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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to look after future Grandkids particularly

132 replies

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 19:38

I was sat in the garden with my (exhausting) pre school DS's the other day, Mum was over and we were sat drinking tea. She does a good deal of babysitting (mainly for my sister, I ask about twice a year!). We were talking about threads on MN, the ones where people are complaining about lack of help from their parents. Stuff like, why doesn't my mum/mil help out with the kids more etc (there's a thread like that at the mo)...

I said to mum that the only bonus to being an 'older ' parent was that by the time my 2 have DC's, I'll be so old (unless of course, they procreate at a v. young age) that I won't be trusted to look after their DC's. It was tongue in cheek (slightly) of course, but I really don't want to spend my dotage running around after preschoolers. Of course I'll be thrilled to have GC, and hoping they have them...they will be cuddled to bits and spoilt rotten.

Mum laughed but was a bit

AIBU?

OP posts:

hairylights · 26/03/2011 19:40

Yanbu.

stoppinchingthedummy · 26/03/2011 19:40

Yes i think yabu i dont think its a grandparents duty to look after grandchildren but i do think its essential if your going to be able to form a bond with them and also if you can help your own children in anyway would you not want to? I know that i hope i will be a big help to my children when and if they eventually make me a granny :)

worraliberty · 26/03/2011 19:41

I'll babysit so they can go out once a week and other occasions but I certainly won't become a child minder.

I know far too many GPs who are 'guilted' into taking their GCs to and from school everyday and do all the pre-school childcare too.

It's really unfair imo. They've brought their kids up...they should be able to relax and 'enjoy' their GCs...not parent them.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 19:41

yanbu

stoppinchingthedummy · 26/03/2011 19:42

Oh yes and i agree with worral i dont think a grandparent should parent children ,baby sitting once a week or caring for them once a week while parents work is enough imo

MumInBeds · 26/03/2011 19:43

YANBU It seems very odd the number of people who see it as a grandparent duty to babysit. I'm not saying grandparents shouldn't but that it is a favour not an obligation.

Fernie3 · 26/03/2011 19:44

Well it's up to you - personally I hope to have loads of grandchildren and a busy house :) i am a younger parent (had dd1 at 20) so hopefully I will be around and able to look after them. I do worry though - my mum died long before I had my children so I fear I have an idealised version of a grandmother in my head!

Choufleur · 26/03/2011 19:44

Not all GPs are talked into it. My mum offered to have Ds some of the time while I was at work before DS went to school and has continued to have him 2 afternoons after school.

But for those who don't want to then they shoud just be able to say so. Helping out with babysitting is how you create a bond though. How do people expect to have a relationship with a child if they have basicall yignored it for its formative years.

pommedeterre · 26/03/2011 19:44

I love spending time with my mum and dd and I'd never get in the way of MIL spending time with her (I don't think facilitating it is my responsibility though). I am kind of anti gps as childcare though. it seems unfair and the quickest way to create family arguments imo.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 19:44

i was never looked after by any of my four grandparents as a child. i really honestly am not hurt or affected at all by that fact. i never 'expected' anything from my grandparents so it isn't a disappointment that i haven't got a close relationship with my one remaining grandparent. i like her, i respect her and i visit her now and again with my dcs but i never ever felt that she should have seen me more.

GloriaSmut · 26/03/2011 19:45

YANBU.

Grandparenthood is just fab. But so is retaining a semblance of one's own identity.

Portofino · 26/03/2011 19:45

DD (7) already has a plan where she marries her "amoureux" and that we will live next door and look after her children whilst they go to work as teachers/vets/rockstars/astronauts. Well it all SOUNDS lovely . In reality who bloody knows. I would like to think of myself as a hands on gp, but I would not be ft childcare. I didn't even do that for dd!

Salmotrutta · 26/03/2011 19:49

We are grandparents and we do babysit etc. for our little grandson. To be honest I'd do more if I didn't work 3-4 days a week. Not parenting, no, just enjoying him (and spoiling too as someone mentioned). But I wouldn't like to be guilted into it either.
We also do it because we are still "young" enough to do some running about after a toddler.

Violethill · 26/03/2011 19:50

I hope to take an active interest in any future grandchildren, but that wouldn't involve providing regular childcare - I am totally with worraliberty - I find it astonishing how so many parents are comfortable about using the grandparents in this way. It's a hell of a commitment, providing regular care, and it definitely restricts what you can do.

Ragwort · 26/03/2011 19:50

I couldn't agree with you more - it's enough to be an 'older' mum to my own child without the thought of looking after grandchildren in the future ... my own parents are early 80s and whilst fully active and healthy, have their own busy lives to lead (and live miles from us anyway) and I wouldn't dream of 'expecting' them to look after my child. (ILs dead ). My parents have, occasionally spent a weekend with us to allow us a night out but that is combined with a holiday not as 'expected'. My DS has a great relationship with his grandparents and loves staying with them - but I do not use them as 'childminders'.

worraliberty · 26/03/2011 19:51

Also when you read how many anti MIL threads there are on here, it seems being your GCs unpaid Child minder is likely to be a thankless task.

So much bitching about GPs feeding them the wrong things, buying them the wrong things, doing this wrong, doing that wrong...fuck that. When I get DILs if they're half as moany as some of them on here, they can jog on if they think I'm going to be a skivvy

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 26/03/2011 19:51

YANBU

I had my DC young so unless they have any DGC later in life then chances are I'll still be working myself.

Original poster

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 19:53

No Choufleur, I fully intend to bond with my GC. Why do you have to spend time on your own with them to 'bond' though. Surely I could read to them and spend time with them, just not in a 'childminding' capacity.

I'm not saying I wouldn't babysit (although, as I said, I'd probably be too old to be trusted!) occasionally, I would, just not regularly.

It's just the 'they are the GP's so I am entitled to have them look after my kids whenever I feel like it' argument that annoys me. I hope my 2 don't feel that way otherwise they're going to be disappointed, and upsetting them is the last thing I want to do.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/03/2011 19:55

"It's just the 'they are the GP's so I am entitled to have them look after my kids whenever I feel like it' argument that annoys me."

Yes, that is an annoying argument. Not seen anything like it on Mumsnet, though. Certainly not on the current thread you refer to.

NonnoMum · 26/03/2011 19:58

My mum loves being with her grandkids. It's much more fun than being with her mad husband. They are progressing not declining.

GloriaSmut · 26/03/2011 19:58

It's not just the entirely false assumption of entitlement that'd piss me off, it would be the judgement of "irrelevant" applied to any aspect of my life that'd put the tin lid on it.

(Disclaimer: I have the happiest time as a grandmother but then I don't have assumptive, judgemental children.)

Original poster

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 19:59

Spot on Worraliberty. I know exactly what you mean about anti mil threads. As I only have sons myself those sort of threads are pretty depressing, can't say I'm looking forward to it.

My only saving grace is I'm very good at biting my tongue when needs be. Looks like it's a skill I'll need to have, judging from those threads

OP posts:

darleneconnor · 26/03/2011 19:59

Yabu

Parents fret so much over their dcs education but one of the best things you can do for your dcs career is to provide free childcare.

Being a good parent doesnt end when they are 18, you have a lifelong responsibility to act in your collective best interests.

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 20:00

I have no intention of being a nursemaid to my parents if they should need it as they get older.

Nothing should be expected of anyone regardless of their position within the family.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 26/03/2011 20:00

I think you should probably not think about it for about 20 years. Who the hell knows what will happen, how you'll feel about it, etc.

My mother never lived to see her grandchildren, I very much expect the same fate for me. I can't imagine why you would be talking about such a thing with your mother.

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