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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after future Grandkids particularly

132 replies

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 19:38

I was sat in the garden with my (exhausting) pre school DS's the other day, Mum was over and we were sat drinking tea. She does a good deal of babysitting (mainly for my sister, I ask about twice a year!). We were talking about threads on MN, the ones where people are complaining about lack of help from their parents. Stuff like, why doesn't my mum/mil help out with the kids more etc (there's a thread like that at the mo)...

I said to mum that the only bonus to being an 'older ' parent was that by the time my 2 have DC's, I'll be so old (unless of course, they procreate at a v. young age) that I won't be trusted to look after their DC's. It was tongue in cheek (slightly) of course, but I really don't want to spend my dotage running around after preschoolers. Of course I'll be thrilled to have GC, and hoping they have them...they will be cuddled to bits and spoilt rotten.

Mum laughed but was a bit Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 26/03/2011 21:09

MAMATOMANY - This is the trouble I guess we're living too long to be useful, what is the point of being sat in the corner dribbling being a burden on the DC's, I hope to be pushing up the daisy's long before the kids start arguing over who's turn it is to have me cluttering up their house.

Never a truer word spoken.

I watched my mom look after my nan, we all said then no f-ing way do i want my children doing that for me. My mom did it for her mom as she felt strongly it was the right thing to do, she feels even stronger that she wouldnt want us doing it for her.

I will help out my kids if its convenient to, and i cant see why it wont be, i truely hope to have a family hub of a home, everyone coming and going. But i wont lose myself to care for anyone else, it destroyed my mother to the point she left the country after my nan finally died, living it up in Spain after 15 years of suppression by servitude! so i dont have a mom much either really. Fucked our family good and proper Sad

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 26/03/2011 21:11

I'd be willing to do occasional babysitting or help out in an emergency, if it were possible. As I said earlier I'll probably still be working when any DGC arrive. However, I would not commit to a regular weekly thing.

pigletmania · 26/03/2011 21:11

I agree with worrability I would love to look after my GC so that my dc and their dh/dp can go out and on occasions, mabey once a week but not daily on a regular basis. It is unfair to expect GP to be free childminders when they should be enjoying their retirement.

pigletmania · 26/03/2011 21:12

and of course in an emergency

thebird · 26/03/2011 21:36

GPs play a central role in the family and they can be an important part of GCs lives. The window for GPs to be part of their GCs lives is short so they should make the most of it if they can. However the time is spent it should be out of love not guilt or pressure. I have agreement with my MIL that she will be honest and say no to babysitting when she cant/ doesn't want to and there will be no hard feelings on my part. If you can talk and be honest with eachother it helps.

earlyriser · 26/03/2011 21:46

I posted this on the other thread too

I just find this all very sad. I expect to look after my parents when they need it (they would hate to be a 'burden' but i totally feel it is my duty after everything they have done for me and i WANT to).

When/if i have grandchildren i would hope to be a big part of their life. NOT bringing them up per se but just being there for them and having a relationship with them.

Otherwise (and flame away but i truly believe this)why even have children? Isn't this what families should be about?

worraliberty · 26/03/2011 21:48

Parents fret so much over their dcs education but one of the best things you can do for your dcs career is to provide free childcare

I'm sorry but I totally disagree with that.

As a Mother I have/will be spending my children's entire educational life helping them..that will help them get their careers.

Once they've grown up and chosen said career..then chosen a partner and chosen to have a family with them, it's down to them to sort out a child minder for their own families.

I intend to enjoy my retirement with their Dad..I do not intend to suddenly start working as a CM when I have whatever is left of my life to enjoy.

That will include enjoying my GCs and occasionally babysitting them, but that's where it ends.

Onetoomanycornettos · 26/03/2011 21:49

My girls are lucky enough to have several sets of grandparents (due to divorces) who are willing to help out. Only my mum does so every week, the others do when they are in the country and see them a few times a year, but the GP's are desperate to take the children out by themselves or even have them on holiday. I don't think it needs to be formal regular childcare or nothing, it's things like making a meal for the family when they are staying, or taking the children to the park for a couple of hours. But I do think that builds really special bonds, I used to say with my grandparents for a week each year and it was such a wonderful time for us, plus seeing them every Sunday.

I think anticipating being put upon before your children have actually had children is a bit strange.

cantspel · 26/03/2011 21:51

you haven't done any caring yet so lets see what you say after 7 years of caring with still a possible 20 left to go.

i care for my parents as i want to and not because of any sense of duty but i wouldn't ever put my child into the same position of having to make that choice.

cantspel · 26/03/2011 21:52

sorry that was to earlyriser

BabyDubsEverywhere · 26/03/2011 21:54

I imagine i will always want to spend time with my children, as adults especially, I am looking forward to the people they will grow into, i look forward to their offspring and seeing little them recreated, but i dont see why i should have to parent their children, that is their job, for all the good and the bad, the stress and the joy, its character building if nothing else. Grin

Ill have done the hard slog with my kids (and wouldnt change it for the world) i want the fun bits when grandchildren come. of course i will be there to help my kids out, but i dont want to miss out on my kids as adults as the only interaction would be dropping off and picking up from babysitting, i know lots of people like this. i hope we can all spend time together, i will not become an unpaid skivvy!

Violethill · 26/03/2011 21:58

"Parents fret so much over their dcs education but one of the best things you can do for your dcs career is to provide free childcare."

Could not disagree more. The best thing you can do for your dc's career is probably:

a) to have a career yourself (children learn by example, not by being told!)
b) to encourage them to achieve well educationally
c) to give them a rich variety of experiences in the broader sense
d) to maintain a loving relationship with them right through adulthood.
e) to encourage them to be independent and to take control over their lives

To suggest that providing free childminding on tap is the 'right' thing to do is way off the mark. For a start, the children might be better off interacting with children their own age at a childminder or nursery. Let parents take responsibility and make their own choices about their children.

pigletmania · 26/03/2011 21:59

darlene "Parents fret so much over their dcs education but one of the best things you can do for your dcs career is to provide free childcare.

Being a good parent doesnt end when they are 18, you have a lifelong responsibility to act in your collective best interests."

Erm no you are totally wrong. Why should dcs expect free childcare, the kids are their own they take on that responsibility like we did when they CHOSE to have children, so therefore they should pay for childcare. My dd is still only young, but when she gets older I want to resume MY career that I put on hold to raise her, and to do the things that I couldent do. That is not to say that I will not look after them on occasion or help when I can and am able to and be involved in their lives. I will always be my dd mother until the day I die, but my dd will grow up to be an adult with responsibilities of her own, including I hope children.

It is fine if the childcare provied by GP is by multual agreement and both parties are happy, not if they are forced or railroaded into it.

Onetoomanycornettos · 26/03/2011 22:04

Violethill, I disagree. I had a particular career goal to achieve, and without my lovely mum and husband helping out every weekend for a few months, it wouldn't have been possible. Now I have achieved it, I can afford childcare (although my mum still helps out out of choice) again. I realise I am incredibly lucky and most GP's wouldn't have done that.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2011 22:04

What if you're still working full-time and looking after ageing parents? Makes it kinda hard to provide free childcare so your kids can work.

DuelingFanjo · 26/03/2011 22:06

yanbu

in the future, with the retirement age so much increased, people will be very lucky to have grandparents who can do their childcare. I think it's completely wrong to expect your parents to want to look after their grandchildren. Grandparents have done it once, why expect them to do it again.

I have had my first at 40 and my mum was very very young when she had me. I am grateful that she has offered to have my son for one day a week but I definitely don't expect it. She is enjoying retirement too much to give itt up to be my childminder.

Violethill · 26/03/2011 22:11

And actually, if we're talking about what's best for the children's careers, I'm going to point out here (and no doubt some people will flame me, but this is the truth) in my experience, professional couples, and those with other good careers, tend to be the ones who don't use the grandparents as free minders, they pay for childcare. It's often couples with lower status jobs who use their parents for free care.

(Slightly at a tangent, but proves once again that its nonsense to suggest that providing free childcare is somehow enhancing your children's prospects)

DuelingFanjo · 26/03/2011 22:15

oh... and... if my mum or mil insisted on having my son it would really piss me off.

megapixels · 26/03/2011 22:15

Of course I would babysit, but I wouldn't provide childcare on a regular basis for whole days, like if both parents wanted to work and so needed childcare. That's not my job, I've done plenty of parenting doing it full-time with my own children.

However there is one situation where I would do it - if they are really struggling and both had to work for financial reasons to provide for their family.

mamatomany · 26/03/2011 22:33

They can move retirement age all they like doesn't mean people will be capable of working, I've had two handy men around sorting my house out in the last fortnight, both in their 60's neither could complete a days work.
But they both felt they had to carry on due to financial circumstances, a real wake up call for me, these men were healthy enough and had the required skills but physically unable to work for 6 hours with an hours lunch break.
Start saving or do a double shift in your 30's because it's not going to get easier that's for sure.

pointydog · 26/03/2011 22:36

Agree. It's all very well to tell people to carry on working till 68 but depending on both health and the job people are expected to carry out, it just won't be possible.

glassortwo · 26/03/2011 22:48

I have my gc 5 and 3 full time while my dd works ( I also live with them at the moment) and I feel I would have missed so much to only have seen them on weekend visits.

Yes I am worn out some days but it is so worth it, and would not swop a minute of my time with them, I feel honoured to have had this time.

So please dont miss out on something fantastic.

pudding25 · 26/03/2011 22:48

Violethill-surely that is because those in professional jobs can actually afford childcare and still come home with some money in their pay packet. If you are in a low paid job, especially living somewhere like London, unless you are lucky enough to get help with childcare, you are going to come home with very little money each month.

I am lucky enough to have inlaws who want nothing more than to spend time with DD and who look after her one day a week while I work. I am in a professional job but this has save me a ton of money.

FattyArbuckel · 26/03/2011 22:54

People should make their own choices but sadly there is much judgementalism in both directions according to how much of a committment or not grandparents make to their grandchildren.

My parents have helped me with childcare loads, PIL almost never.
When they are in need of help themselves later on I will be happy to help my parents loads and my PIL almost never.

Hopefully PIL are not going to find this much of a surprise.

hmc · 26/03/2011 22:54

It's good to hear another perspective glassortwo

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