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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after future Grandkids particularly

132 replies

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 19:38

I was sat in the garden with my (exhausting) pre school DS's the other day, Mum was over and we were sat drinking tea. She does a good deal of babysitting (mainly for my sister, I ask about twice a year!). We were talking about threads on MN, the ones where people are complaining about lack of help from their parents. Stuff like, why doesn't my mum/mil help out with the kids more etc (there's a thread like that at the mo)...

I said to mum that the only bonus to being an 'older ' parent was that by the time my 2 have DC's, I'll be so old (unless of course, they procreate at a v. young age) that I won't be trusted to look after their DC's. It was tongue in cheek (slightly) of course, but I really don't want to spend my dotage running around after preschoolers. Of course I'll be thrilled to have GC, and hoping they have them...they will be cuddled to bits and spoilt rotten.

Mum laughed but was a bit Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/03/2011 20:22

I wish I had had children younger, but I was married to a man who turned out to never want children.

noodle69 · 26/03/2011 20:22

My parents take our daughter overnight and my mum will help out with anything I want at any time. Same with my brother. I think its great andmy gps did it for me when I was growing up and I will definitely do it for my GCS. I come from a very close family orientated background though.

cantspel · 26/03/2011 20:24

earlyrise i already care for my 2 aging and disabled parents. I do everything for them from wipe their bums to put a meal in front of them and everything inbetween. When my time comes to need care then i will either top myself or go into a home as i know what caring for me will do to their own lives and families.

Portofino · 26/03/2011 20:25

Mrs DV, I am with you on that!

Satireisbest · 26/03/2011 20:25

My mum's got 8 grand-children and she can't get enough of them.
It's one of the things that got her though cancer, she wanted to see her children and grand-children and wasn't ready to go.

I couldn't thank her enough for everything she's done.

I'd hope to be the same for my GC's it's made having children much easier and more fun.

Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:26

I haven't seen any posts on Mumsnet saying "I expect my parents to be my dc childminder" - have you?

Not with that exact wording, no. But plenty with that sentiment, yes.

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2011 20:28

I think my mum (58) who is more hands on with the GC's (changing nappies, covering childcare for one when another is in hospital, occasional babysitting etc) has a much closer relationship with my DD's then MIL who is older (70) who now sees them more regularly (my mum has moved hundreds of miles closer to other GC)she still has a good relationship but not the same iyswim.

My MIL is lovely but I think 3 under 6 is too much for her alone and FIL is 76 and not into children generally!

I want to care for my GC's in the same way my mum (and my dad) do. They are VERY involved in their lives and friends and I'm Sad for myself and Envy of my dsis's who now have them close by...

(oh and my mum gave up work to be with me overseas when I had dd1, then looked after her when I first went back to work back in the UK, I did not ask but she wanted to, and was fantastic too!)

Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:28

'And in your dotage when you are too old to look after your grandchildren, who will be looking after you'

The state, I'd imagine, should I live that long. Not a happy prospect, but the same prospect for many.

OP posts:
Thornykate · 26/03/2011 20:28

some cultures & families have a great sense of duty to care for all generations of the family. I hope that my kids will continue this & continue to be close to all the older family members who have helped raise them. In my family it isn't about doing favours by babysitting etc it's just helping one another when it's needed.
It works for us but each to their own.

Meglet · 26/03/2011 20:29

yabu. My grandparents helped look after me and my sister all the time (they picked us up from school) when we were younger. Now my mum helps with my children.

I hope (and want) to help with my grandkids (in about 30 years time).

Fair enough if you don't want to do it though.

Meglet · 26/03/2011 20:30

thorny put it better than me.

Rowan49 · 26/03/2011 20:30

Surely a balance is best? I would hope that, if and when the time comes for me, my dad would help out (and I know he would) by say, having the baby one or possible two days a week?

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 20:30

I take each day as it comes,I certainly don't think 'oh I'm not looking after my grandchildren 24/7' when I don't even know if my children will be parents themselves.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 20:32

"Parents fret so much over their dcs education but one of the best things you can do for your dcs career is to provide free childcare"

and what about my career when my dcs are expecting free childcare? what about the career i put on hold to raise children? when do i get to pursue it? i mean if my eldest has his first child at the same age as i had him then i will be a grandparent at 38. i will most certainly not be a retired pensioner, i will still be parenting my youngest and providing for his education, hopefully working to put him through university. how on earth would it be in his best interests for me to give up my work to babysit his nephew or niece?

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/03/2011 20:32

Please link them then, MrBloom.

I think you are exaggerating wildly to make your point.

mamatomany · 26/03/2011 20:33

This is the trouble I guess we're living too long to be useful, what is the point of being sat in the corner dribbling being a burden on the DC's, I hope to be pushing up the daisy's long before the kids start arguing over who's turn it is to have me cluttering up their house.

Portofino · 26/03/2011 20:35

Mind you, my GPS had their children young, in their early 20s. They were 40/41 when I was born. Sadly my mother died aged 21 when i was 4 and my sister was 2. They got another family to bring up. They weren't always happy about this, and in fact reached retirement age just as dsis went to Uni. They sacrificed an awful lot really. I will be eternally grateful.

They are in their 80s now. They dote on dd, though don't see her very often as we are abroad. I don't know what I will do when their time is up. I phone every week. I can't imagine the world with them not in it.

pointydog · 26/03/2011 20:37

I don't want to look after the grandchildren either.

However, babysitting once every month or two would be no problem at all as long as I'm reasonably healthy.

I am very clear about my own priorities in life. Others have different priorities obviously.

risingstar · 26/03/2011 20:38

yanbu or unrealistic.

my dh was born when his parents were 40. he always felt that he had really old parents when he was growing up. he was utterly spoilt (in a nice way) with attention both from them and his much older sister and brother.

fast forward 44 years, we have kids who are 16, 13 and 3. my dear fil is still with us and adores the youngest( as did mil). but even with the eldest 2 the relationship was always me taking them to visit, a bit of playing and fun and then home for tea. they were too old/infirm etc to really be able to look after them.

i can see that if all our dcs have kids we will be like that with our youngest's children, if she waits until her 30s to have kids, we will be well into our 70s. but thats all just part of life innit? lets hope we are still around.

cantspel · 26/03/2011 20:41

You dont have to provide childcare to have a close relationship with your grandkids. My grandparents were the type who came to tea and i never once spent a night in their house but i adored them.

CatIsSleepy · 26/03/2011 20:44

pretty soon we'll all have to work til we're 80 or something so we won't be able to look after the grandkids anyway...

dunno, i think the joy of being a grandparent should be having the fun of being with the kids without the responsibility of being the parent? of course if gps want to do childcare etc that's great-shouldn't necessarily be expected of them though

my lot all live miles away anyway- you don't necessarily end up living on your parents' doorstep do you? my dc's closest grandparent is my mum who is a good 3 hour drive away. And she is 79 so I wouldn't inflict caring for my 2 on her anyway, it would be bloody hard work.

OP posts:
hmc · 26/03/2011 20:51

YANBU

I am sure I will love having my grandchildren over, and I will definitely want to do my bit in supporting my adult children when they need a break etc ...I wouldn't however relish providing a fixed couple of days of childcare per week or in any sense feel obligated to do so

lemmein · 26/03/2011 20:52

YANBU - a friend of mine, who has a disability which limits the use of her right arm and leg spends a huge amount of time looking after her GC. She sometimes has up to 5 kids sleeping over, the eldest is 6. She really struggles but the childrens parents don't seem bothered (none work). One of her daughters in particular has NEVER had her own children for a weekend since the eldest was born (6 YEARS!!!) her mum always has them (3DC 6,4 & 1) Friday to Sunday. Wouldn't be so bad if she enjoyed it but she dreads it coming round, and like I said, she is registered disabled.

When I watch her struggle I always tell my own kids I will never, ever be put upon like that. I will help out, and occasionally babysit but won't allow either of them to take the piss out of me.

I look after my brothers kids occasionally because him and his wife work FT and when we visit the park it is full of DGPs with their DGC. Some of these GPs look in their late 70s - god knows where they get the energy to run around after toddlers!

lechatnoir · 26/03/2011 21:05

I hope I'm as good a grandparents as my parents and my in-laws. My parents are happy to babysit or help out during the day if they aren't busy (or on one of their many holidays) but it's my MIL who is definitely the most family orientated but as they live 250+miles away don't have much day-to-day involvement. When they come & stay they'll usually want to take the boys out for the day, do bedtimes etc and encourage us to go out to the pub/cinema/for a meal etc. If they lived nearer I know my MIL would happily look after them regularly if I asked her (she gets quite upset that she can't help more often) and used to genuinely adore looking after my nephew 3 days a week when his parents were working.

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