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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after future Grandkids particularly

132 replies

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 19:38

I was sat in the garden with my (exhausting) pre school DS's the other day, Mum was over and we were sat drinking tea. She does a good deal of babysitting (mainly for my sister, I ask about twice a year!). We were talking about threads on MN, the ones where people are complaining about lack of help from their parents. Stuff like, why doesn't my mum/mil help out with the kids more etc (there's a thread like that at the mo)...

I said to mum that the only bonus to being an 'older ' parent was that by the time my 2 have DC's, I'll be so old (unless of course, they procreate at a v. young age) that I won't be trusted to look after their DC's. It was tongue in cheek (slightly) of course, but I really don't want to spend my dotage running around after preschoolers. Of course I'll be thrilled to have GC, and hoping they have them...they will be cuddled to bits and spoilt rotten.

Mum laughed but was a bit Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:01

No, I'm not referring to the current thread bibbity. There was one a couple of months ago, I recall...not sure if I can find it. She got flamed anyway.

OP posts:
activate · 26/03/2011 20:02

I also have no intention of looking after grandchildren, if I'm lucky enough to be around then

I shall be wearing purple and behaving outrageously instead

seb1 · 26/03/2011 20:02

If I am fit enough I probably would watch them. But my point of view is kind of wanting to give my children something I never had, parents young enough and fit enough to easily help out with childcare.

Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:04

I'm very close to mum, I'm lucky in that respect, we can discuss anything without being judged which is nice.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/03/2011 20:04

Since my exDIL has taken to badmouthing me round town, you can be damn certain I won't babysit for her. (She has a large extended family locally, still had the brass neck to demand I look after dgs earlier this weeks as she was "tired" and "stressed".) I will for my son, though. Grin

GloriaSmut · 26/03/2011 20:04

Er, hello?

At what expense should we be providing free childcare, darlene? Some of us grandparents are very, very far from being retired and as retirement age will continue to rise, the situation will not change.

So could you explain how giving up our own jobs would assist the collective best interest?

GeneHuntLovesHoops · 26/03/2011 20:04

How depressing. I'm glad to say I will look after my gc as much as I can, and my parents too. Ffs, isn't that what families do?! YABU

Sassybeast · 26/03/2011 20:05

Am torn on this one. I had a fantastic relationship with my grand parents and spent a lot of time with them as a child, particularly at weekends. My own kids don't have that sort of relationship with any of their GPs for various reasons.
I also know a number of people who really do take advantage of their parents with regards expecting unpaid childcare while they work. Fair enough if GPs are really willing, but I know for a fact that some of the GPs on the school/nursery room are not happy about the demands placed on them.
I envisage a scenario where I will have any grandkids for maybe one weekend a month. I definately wouldn't commit to providing childcare full or part time unless one of mine ended up as a single parent or had some other difficult circumstances

expatinscotland · 26/03/2011 20:06

What worraliberty said. Definitely willing, if I'm able, to look after them in an informal way as and when I can. But the other reality is also that I will likely have to work FT till I am no longer physically able, so that will have an impact.

cherrychoo · 26/03/2011 20:07

I hope to be a hands on grandparent.

It makes me very evry sad that ds's grandparents are not interested in him, and have not been around to offer any support to us through out his little life.

I wouldnt want to miss out on anything that they are missing out on with ds.

mamatomany · 26/03/2011 20:09

That's why I had my children young, I had 4 so that I can have each ones children in rotation and if there's a 5 week month i'll have a break.
I cannot imagine not having my grandchildren and children in my house when they are adults and will be gutted but strong and skype a lot if they live thousands of miles away.

Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:10

Can I just reiterate that I DO want to play a part in my GC's lives, very much so.

I just don't want to be endlessly looking after them.

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bibbitybobbityhat · 26/03/2011 20:11

I was 38 when I had my first child, 40 when I had my second.

My parents and inlaws live a couple of hours drive away.

I have never been able to rely on them for childcare or for "support" or any of those things.

But I know that they love the gc to bits, are interested in them, want to spend time with them when they do see them, speak to them on the phone, remember their birthdays and send them gifts and ring them up.

If my own parents, or dh's parents, were not interested to this extent then I think I would be heartbroken, tbh.

cantspel · 26/03/2011 20:14

i intend to be the type of grandparent who comes for sunday tea with a bag full of sugar laden sweets and a noisy new toy. i will not be child minding or doing school runs. i will offer to babysit for special occasions or the odd meal out and as they get older i will slip them an extra £20 pocket money and buy them the brand name hoodie that their mum thinks is too expensive.

mamatomany · 26/03/2011 20:14

Do you mean relied upon for childcare, committing to hours per week whilst the child/ren work ? If so I agree with you, I am not unless there's a temporary crisis going to be instead of a nursery/CM I think that's a recipe for disaster, you want to enjoy the DGC not bring them up 8 hours a day.

Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:15

You seem a little upset by my posts bibbity but this...

'But I know that they love the gc to bits, are interested in them, want to spend time with them when they do see them, speak to them on the phone, remember their birthdays and send them gifts and ring them up.'

Is exactly what I want with my GC's...I just don't to be expected to be a childminder, that's all.

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TattyDevine · 26/03/2011 20:16

I would like to be involved as a Grandparent but I'm not sure I'd want to do 10 hours a day childcare of preschoolers so they could return to work, unpaid, yet having to do it the way they say. No thanks.

I wouldn't say no to perhaps doing one day a week to reduce their childcare bill slightly - perhaps in their home so I dont have to completely sacrifice the cream sofa I plan on getting when my kids leave home Grin etc - but full time stuff, no way. I would have built up a fairly busy existence anyway if I wasn't working myself, or might well be working myself. I wouldn't want to give that up if I had worked up to it.

But this doesn't mean I can't be involved. If I live close to my daughter (and daughter in law if applicable) then I can imagine going over there to "help" as an extra pair of hands if they need it. And of course the occasional Saturday night so they can go out - could even do an overnight probably - that kind of thing.

But I'm finding the preschool years at home a bit of a slog with my own kids, so I'm not sure I'd be wanting to go through that all again in my dotage!

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 20:16

and how knows what the future holds.

Heaven help if any of your children get sick or bereaved and need your help with their children...

Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:16

Yes mamatomany...that's what I mean.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 26/03/2011 20:16

who

borderslass · 26/03/2011 20:17

If I'm lucky enough to be a grandparent I hope my DD's will want me to be involved in their lives I've already told DH if I ever behave like his mother he has permission to shoot meSmile.
My own parents where never allowed to have my children as my dad thought DS only needed a good hiding to cure his ADHD/ASD.
Plus their PFB is a paedophile who abused me and my older sisters as children but they still thought i'd trust them to protect my girls from him mum still sees him and thinks the sun shines out of his arse despite saying that she believes usAngry.

bibbitybobbityhat · 26/03/2011 20:18

Well ... who does?

I haven't seen any posts on Mumsnet saying "I expect my parents to be my dc childminder" - have you?

Am not upset by your posts - just mildly irritated by them.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 26/03/2011 20:18

I got called selfish once because I have had children in my 40s. The person calling me selfish said she thinks people should only have children young so they can be there for their greatgrandchildren. Yes - GREAT grandchildren. Hmm

I will be the grandparent I need to be. I dont take anything for granted these days so I will wait and see what happens.

I will of course teach my DGC rude songs and buy them noisy toys.

earlyriser · 26/03/2011 20:20

And in your dotage when you are too old to look after your grandchildren, who will be looking after you?

Original poster
MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 20:22

Thingumy. Really, it goes without saying that if my children got sick or bereaved and needed help, I would. What a thing to say Hmm

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