Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after future Grandkids particularly

132 replies

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 26/03/2011 19:38

I was sat in the garden with my (exhausting) pre school DS's the other day, Mum was over and we were sat drinking tea. She does a good deal of babysitting (mainly for my sister, I ask about twice a year!). We were talking about threads on MN, the ones where people are complaining about lack of help from their parents. Stuff like, why doesn't my mum/mil help out with the kids more etc (there's a thread like that at the mo)...

I said to mum that the only bonus to being an 'older ' parent was that by the time my 2 have DC's, I'll be so old (unless of course, they procreate at a v. young age) that I won't be trusted to look after their DC's. It was tongue in cheek (slightly) of course, but I really don't want to spend my dotage running around after preschoolers. Of course I'll be thrilled to have GC, and hoping they have them...they will be cuddled to bits and spoilt rotten.

Mum laughed but was a bit Hmm

AIBU?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 26/03/2011 23:04

glassortwo I have no intention of missing out on something fantastic. I just won't be a child minder.

Also, if you become a CM for one of your kids..what about other kids?

That's another gripe that comes up on MN time and again..."My Mum looks after my sibling's children but won't look after mine"

Where does it end? Confused

Violethill · 26/03/2011 23:05

pudding - I am not disagreeing with your point about professionals, I am simply pointing out the ridiculousness of the poster who tried to claim that grandparents almost 'owed' it to their children to provide free childcare, in order to help advance their career prospects. That's utter nonsense.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2011 23:05

'Start saving or do a double shift in your 30's because it's not going to get easier that's for sure.'

What planet are you on? How can you do double-shifts and/or save when you have childcare issues yourself and are low-income, a lone parent, have a disabled child, etc.

That's right up there with 'I had my kids young so I could look after their children.'

Grand. Glad you had that chance.

Not everyone does anymore than they have the capability to work double shifts and save.

Violethill · 26/03/2011 23:07

I entirely agree with that worraliberty.

I don't think you need to be a childminder to experience something fantastic. I had the most amazing relationship with my own grandparents - it was an absolute joy spending time with them, even though they lived 100 miles away and I couldn't see them that often. In fact, if I'd seen them every day because they were picking me up from school, it would no doubt have seemed far less 'special'

I think the essence of a special relationship isn't something that's measured in hours of time spent with someone - it runs much deeper than that

worraliberty · 26/03/2011 23:11

That's true violet I know lots of people who absolutely adore their GPs and have many fond memories of the time they spent with them..yet they lived far away. It's about quality time, not quantity.

glassortwo · 26/03/2011 23:14

worraliberty - its your choice, dont do anything you dont want to do

I agree I would be hard pushed to help ds out with childcare, but his dp is a sahm. So luckily I dont have to deal with that.

FlyingFig · 26/03/2011 23:25

I couldn't have gone back to work when DS was a baby, if it hadn't been for my mum. She's 63 this year.

She thrives on having the children, two days a week. A few years ago (when my eleven year-old was a baby) she had two nervous breakdowns in the space of as year, that required hospital stays. I missed her so much during those times, it was as if she'd vanished from my life, yet appreciated how hard she was finding existing, and did my best to care for her as much as I possibly could.

Mum is a hands-on grandparent. Always has been. My sister's children are grown up now but are stilll very close to mum, having spent lots of time with her, both now and when they were young.

Mum says the DCs have given her a reason to get out of bed in the morning -she enjoys preparing breakfast for them, walking them to school and helping with costumes for school plays etc. The DCs adore her, as do I.

I don't take advantage or 'expect' her to do what she does - I could quite easily ask for later starts and arrange after-school club care but the arrangement we have suits us equally.

I never, ever ask her to have them overnight - whilst I know she would, I feel like I'd be putting on her, I'm already extremely grateful for all she does.

MIL only sees the DCs a few times a year, yet the DCs love her for being who she is.

Total random waffle there, sorry Smile

mamatomany · 26/03/2011 23:29

What planet, well I could ask the same if you expat, who do you think is going to employ you in your dotage ? Given a choice between a fit youngster and a 50 year old ? You might not feel like if but this is as good as its going to get for most of us, if you aren't saving now frankly you're up the creek but then you probably know that if we are honest.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2011 23:35

'well I could ask the same if you expat, who do you think is going to employ you in your dotage ? Given a choice between a fit youngster and a 50 year old ? '

I'm self-employed, mama. And increasingly target the grey pound for clientele. Yes, they'd rather employ a 50-year-old than a youngster because they see a 50-year-old as more reliable.

I'm not having a 'dotage'. I will continue to evolve my business and my skill set to work with the ageing population as this will be a reliable source of clientele.

When I can no longer work because I am no longer capable I will top myself.

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 23:35

My father is 64 and working 60+ hours a week within the haulage industry.

He should retire next year but can't afford to,he is expecting to working part time if not full time next year if he can stay on with his firm.

Bollocks to your 'dotage'.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2011 23:38

My former landlord who is 63 is fitter than a lot of lager-bellied 'youngsters' around here.

thebird · 26/03/2011 23:38

You cant imagine now that you will suddenly stop wanting to help your DCs once they reach adulthood. How can you just stop wanting the best for them? My mum worked so she is happy to help my sister as she understands how difficult it can be. My MIL helps me out when she can because she feels it is important that I work as she gave up when DP was born and really regrets it. No one is makes GPs babysit they do have a choice.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/03/2011 23:38

"Dotage" at 50? Shock

Thingumy · 26/03/2011 23:41

My dh doesnt work 60 hr a week.

Power to my father.

mummylin2495 · 26/03/2011 23:44

I have three GC and have always enjoyed looking after them immensely.Now they are all in their teens i am reaping the reward in that we are very close.I did not ever want paying as i loved them all so much.before any of them were born i had not given much thought to being a GP,but from the moment my grandson was born i was elated. But i chose to do this and dont believe that GP,s should be expected to do the child minding.I had been working prior to first GC being born , but I left work to look after him , it was not only because of that.I had not long lost my sister and my GS was an absolute life saver for me at that time.I would say,dont feel obligated to look after GC, but if you can, do.

goodasgold · 26/03/2011 23:46

I plan for when I have gc! I like the idea of having them all one day a week whether their parents work or not. All together so the cousins will grow up as friends.

I also remember being very jealous of one of my friends when dd1 was a baby 11.5 years ago who could go round to her mum and dad's and leave the baby with them and go upstairs to her old room for a nap. I plan on offering this service to my dds and ddil.

I don't plan being a full time carer.

I don't think it harms the relationship not to do this, I saw my own gps infrequently, the bond comes from more than time or sole care. I was in love with both of them and devastated when they died.

mamatomany · 26/03/2011 23:52

Well good luck to you, I'd rather do the hard yards now and reap the benefits later but as you say Switzerland is my preferred option if faced with my life savings being spent proping me up in the corner of a nursing home too.

earlyriser · 27/03/2011 09:27

cantspel my parents would hate to have me caring for them to that extent, they have already stated they woul like to be put in a home if they need that much care. But my folks have done so much for me over the years that why would i NOT want to help them out? I'm under no ilusions as to how hard it may be (my parents are in their 70s and df is already ill).

Not quite sure what your point to me is?

BooyHoo · 27/03/2011 13:49

i am a bit confused here.

if you are in your dotage and unable to work at 50 Hmm(well before retirement age) then are you going to be fit to care for grandchildren? and if you are and leave work to care for your GCs unpaid, how are you living? where are you getting your money to live? retirement is likely to be around 20 years away at that point so how are you feeding and housing yourself for the next 20 years if you leave work at 50 to care for your GCs for no wage?

bigTillyMint · 27/03/2011 14:07

I was 34 when I had my first, but I am hoping that I will be able to look after any GC my DC have, not on a daily basis, but as much as I can/am wanted.

lesley33 · 27/03/2011 14:07

YANBU
I don't have GC yet but I totally understand where you are coming from.

My GP didn't parent me and very rarely babysat. But unlike a lot of commentators here predict, I had a very close relationship with my one GP who didn't die when I was very young. I saw here at least once a week, although always with at least one of my parents. So IME you don't need to babysit or care for your GC to have a close relationship.

I think as parents you owe it to your children to do the best you reasonably can for them. But I think by the time you are an adult you shouldn't expect your parent to put you first anymore.

So when I have GC of course I will help out if my children really need it. But I won't be providing free childcare so they can earn more for example.

lesley33 · 27/03/2011 14:13

Just to say as well that although many people are fit and healthy when they are in their 50's and 60's many people are not. And of course chronic illness that makes it hard to keep up with young GC isn't always visible.

My mother is in her early 60's. She has diabetes and arthritis and although on the surface looks fine, says there is no way she could look after young children now.

FattyArbuckel · 27/03/2011 14:47

I don't think the discussion is really about grandparents in poor health though. I think it is about the choices made by gps who are fit and healthy and not working but also financially comfortable.

Some will genuinely want to support their children and grandchildren by providing regular and often unpaid childcare. A few of these gps may feel unfairly put upon but the majority are very happy to have this level of involvement and closeness.

Some gps feel they have done their bit with their own children and want to enjoy some freedom; they may offer no childcare at all or more infrequent one-off childcare.

Nobody is wrong here but the judgementalism is a massive waste of everyone's time and energy and just creates divisiveness and tensions.

My PIL view my parents as poor fools and outrageously used and "put upon". My parents view my PIL as selfish and unsupportive but primarily as poor fools for losing out on one of the chief pleasures life can offer - spending lots of time with dc. Both sets of parents have chosen the path they prefer. My dd is inevitably much closer to my parents and it is also the case that I give my parents a lot of help that I would not extend to the PIL. We should respect the choices of others and stop fighting amongst ourselves.

BooyHoo · 27/03/2011 14:50

sorry fattyarbuckle, i should have been clea. i was responding to mamtomany's post about 'dotage' etc.

lesley33 · 27/03/2011 14:52

Some GP's may want to provide lots of free childcare. However my mum regularly tells me about some of her friends who care for GC but don't really want to. They love their GC though and feel they can't say no although they want to.

I agree if GP's want to or don't want to provide regular childcare is up to them. But I do think GP's have the right not to put their adults children's needs before their own.