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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or rather WIBU...to talk to this boy at the pool?

129 replies

Clary · 26/03/2011 00:02

Was just leaving the pool when I saw a well-grown lad in the women's changing room.

"Oh you're a big boy to be in the women's room," I said, kind of jokily. He said he was 10. Oh, I said, well when you're 8 you're supposed to go in the men's. "My mum said," he says. Oh well, I said, and wandered out.

The mum pursued me - Why were you talking to my son? He's with me - would you let yr 9yo go into the men's ch room [yes], well you might but I'll do what I like, don't talk to my son again etc.

I mildly said that the rule at council pools was 8yos in right-sex ch room. She stomped off to check, pointing out that I don't work there - which of course is true, but I do swim there, which I think gives me a right to tell someone when they are in the wrong place.

But am I wrong? Should I have said nothing - or maybe said something to the mum? As it goes, I am heartily in favour of the rule - I think it's to the highest degree ridiculous to be worried about a 10yo NT boy in a men's ch room, as well as infantilising for him. Surely (SEN aside, and of course I do understand it's not always visible) he can get himself dry and dressed? And whether or not I am OK with a 10yo boy seeing me getting changed, I know most 11-12-13yo girls certainly would not.

But should I not mention it? Am I breaking some unwritten law?

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 26/03/2011 00:04

you were wrong, you didnt work there.
she was odd to persue you though.

DaisySteiner · 26/03/2011 00:06

I don't think you were wrong to talk to him, you were only pointing out the rules. I probably wouldn't have said anything personally, but I don't think YWBU to do so.

BluddyMoFo · 26/03/2011 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 26/03/2011 00:08

I wouldn't have spoken to the boy, but if I did have an issue with it I would have spoken to either the mother or a member of staff.

Having said that, I wouldn't have bothered unless he was doing something inappropriate. I have better things to do with my time.

PoiseAndRationality · 26/03/2011 00:10

YANBU i totally agree, my dd is 8 and gets mortified when she sees older boys in the changing room, is always worried it could be someone from her class etc. When my dh takes her swiming he uses the family room, specifically for this situation. Agree weird of her to pursue you though.

DaisySteiner · 26/03/2011 00:11

'Bang out of order?' Really? Why should the OP be made to feel uncomfortable just because his mum's got peeeedo-hysteria?

BluddyMoFo · 26/03/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Clary · 26/03/2011 00:31

Hmm yeah I do see what you're saying. I did walk away thinking "maybe I'm a righ told busybody" and I suppose I am really Grin

I don't work there, obv, and so clearly telling folk the rules is not my job - but the trouble is, the staff don't do it (to be fair they don't have the numbers to patrol changing rooms which is the only way they could do it) and I feel it's an important rule to be enforced. Like poise, I am thinking of 9yo DD who might be swimming there on her own or with a pal, and would be direfully embarrassed by this.

But yes, certainly a chat with mum would've been better. I guess I didn't see the mum and to be fair didn't even know he was with mum - lots of kids that age go there after school without parents (and why not! not this kid tho I'm guessing).

Well well, you live and learn Grin

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 26/03/2011 00:32

Agreed, Bluddy. Why should the child be made to feel uncomfortable just because his mum's got peeeedo-hysteria?

BitOfFun · 26/03/2011 00:33

It doesn't sound like an aggressive confrontation to me- I don't see that you did anything wrong.

Original poster
Clary · 26/03/2011 00:33

Loopy if I were the boy I'd be uncomfortable in the women's ch room at 10yo!

(I wonder if she makes him come into the ladies' loos with her?)

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 26/03/2011 00:35

Exactly. He might have already felt uncomfortable. Having to deal with an adult woman and explain through that discomfort would have been horrible for him.

Original poster
Clary · 26/03/2011 00:39

Well tbh I rather think they had no idea at all that there was any rule or that it was inappropriate.

So maybe I have done some good, next time perhaps he will make his point and go to the men's.

Feel bad for him now, tho honestly I did think he was on his own until he mentioned his mum - by which time I had alreayd spoken I s'pose.

OP posts:
startail · 26/03/2011 00:45

I probably would not have said anything, but my 10 year old DD2 probably would Smile Y5 and 6 change separately for games at school and some of the Y4 girls would like to too.
Although I know a good friend was a bit uncomfortable when she first sent her 8 year old DS to change on his own partly because she was slightly uncomfortable leaving him alone with strangers, but mainly because she couldn't get him when he dawdled (which he did! - little sister used to be sent to drag him out Grin

slartybartfast · 26/03/2011 00:45

twice in one day op Wink
once by the mad mother..

Original poster
Clary · 26/03/2011 00:49

Lol Slarty Grin

OP posts:
harecare · 26/03/2011 00:54

YANBU and you sound like a thoroughly nice and decent person so don't worry about it. Maybe you shouldn't have spoken to the boy, but then what could you have said to the mother that would have lead to the same outcome - her checking the rules?
No harm done.

MadamDeathstare · 26/03/2011 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GotArt · 26/03/2011 01:11

You shouldn't have spoken to the child; she probably came at you because it was a little passive-aggressive. You should've just went directly to a staff member to voice your concern.

Liv77 · 26/03/2011 01:20

No, YWBU and at least you asked his age in a nice manner. Our pool is the same in that you very rarely see staff in the changing rooms and staff can't easily see which changing rooms people come out from so I think it was good that you mentioned it.

Personally I would have done the same. Admitedly I also one of those people that points out the fact to people that they have parked in a parent/child space when they have no child with them Wink
His mum sounds a bit Biscuit, if she'd chased after and spoken to me like that I wouldn't have been so polite and would probably have complained about her use of the changing room to a member of staff. Grin

victoriascrumptious · 26/03/2011 06:29

Totally unfair for the young girls to have a lad of that age in there Angry

hairfullofsnakes · 26/03/2011 07:10

I don't think you should have spoken to the boy - talk to the staff about those kind of issues.
I don't know what the option is for ten year olds alone in mens changing rooms - I would feel uncomfortable to let mine go on his own if it were me but also understand he is too old to be in women's changing rooms... Have no answers and guess I will worry more about it when my boy gets to that age!

NinkyNonker · 26/03/2011 07:46

YANBU

beesimo · 26/03/2011 07:49

Besides any discomfort felt by others by having a boy this age in the womens changing room I think it is actually very unfair on the lad. It is putting him in a position were his natural interested in semi naked lasses could lead to being labelled a creepy little lad. Imagine how he must feel, they get embarrased enough by being 'caught looking' in the street let alone in a changing room. Unfair and wrong IMO. However I wouldn't of spoken to lad I would of addressed the issue with the Mam.

Goblinchild · 26/03/2011 07:49

I wonder if she tries to take him into the female toilets as well?