Or rather WIBU...to talk to this boy at the pool?

[Clary]

Was just leaving the pool when I saw a well-grown lad in the women's changing room.

"Oh you're a big boy to be in the women's room," I said, kind of jokily. He said he was 10. Oh, I said, well when you're 8 you're supposed to go in the men's. "My mum said," he says. Oh well, I said, and wandered out.

The mum pursued me - Why were you talking to my son? He's with me - would you let yr 9yo go into the men's ch room [yes], well you might but I'll do what I like, don't talk to my son again etc.

I mildly said that the rule at council pools was 8yos in right-sex ch room. She stomped off to check, pointing out that I don't work there - which of course is true, but I do swim there, which I think gives me a right to tell someone when they are in the wrong place.

But am I wrong? Should I have said nothing - or maybe said something to the mum? As it goes, I am heartily in favour of the rule - I think it's to the highest degree ridiculous to be worried about a 10yo NT boy in a men's ch room, as well as infantilising for him. Surely (SEN aside, and of course I do understand it's not always visible) he can get himself dry and dressed? And whether or not I am OK with a 10yo boy seeing me getting changed, I know most 11-12-13yo girls certainly would not.

But should I not mention it? Am I breaking some unwritten law?

I'm sorry, I must be really thick, but I still don't get what the outrage is all about. Do those of you so up in arms about the boy being in there refuse to go to any pool where there is just a communal changing area, used by everyone? Since people are only naked in the privacy of their own cubicle (I've been to many pools over the years, both at home and on holiday, and have never, ever seen anyone, with possibly the exception of one or two toddlers, walking about naked in the changing room - why would they, there's no need to) I really don't understand what the problem is. I honestly don't get it.

Fishtank, no I don't think there is a point in having separate changing rooms and have never understood why this happens at some pools. Nobody gets changed where anyone else sees them, so why does it matter if there is a male or a female in the cubicle next door? No-one can see you and you can't see them. And in reply to your other question, DS1 is 18 and DS2 is 16 and neither have ever had a problem with mixed-sex changing rooms, why would they? As I said before, it's not as if anyone sees them naked or in any state other than what they can see on the poolside, only in their trunks or fully dressed. I really do not understand the problem at all. I'm not trying to be funny, I genuinely can't understand why everyone finds this so outrageous, that there was a clothed boy in a changing room with clothed women, not acting in any kind of inappropriate manner (e.g. peering under/over cubicle doors).

The pool I usually use has just the one changing room, used by everyone, and nobody has a problem with it, that I'm aware of. It's certainly a popular pool. It makes a lot more sense as families can all change together in the larger cubicles, and use the one locker. When my boys were younger, they'd take for ever dawdling around in the male changing rooms at the pool we used to go to on their own, & all I could do was wait and wait and hope they were OK & that their clothes weren't sat in a puddle on the floor (they often were). Invariably they couldn't operate the knackered old lockers themselves, or couldn't find one that wasn't broken, so they'd come out and meet me on the poolside with all their stuff, which I'd then have to go and put in a locker in the female changing room, which would then mean faffing about fetching them shampoo and their towels so they could go & shower, then meeting them after the shower to give them their clothes before any of us could get dressed. All that fuss and hassle is completely eliminated by having communal changing rooms, so surely these are an improvement?

But Eden, this particular pool didn't have cubicles. Basically just one big room for all women to change in and one big room for all men to change in. No little cubicles. I don't think anyone would complain about your situation. It's that with there no cubicles girls have to strip down in front of everyone and therefore the boy standing there.

Can I also say, where we go swimming, there is often a group of male adults with profound special needs there, with their carers. One carer is male and one is female. The female carer goes into a large cubicle with some of the males to assist them. If there were single sex changing rooms, she would not be able to do this and so these people would be denied access to swimming, which they clearly absolutely love, as it would not be feasible or practical for the one male carer to deal with all 6 or 7 men by himself, in just one cubicle, albeit a family sized one, and possibly not legal (I don't know the legal ratios for care in such situations). Do you all feel that this is wrong as well?

Where does the OP say that there were no cubicles? I have never heard of this idea before. I would certainly not change in front of other people, whether male or female, I don't think gender is even an issue here, just a basic right to privacy. What a strange idea. Yes, I can see that if this was the case, it would not be appropriate, but are you sure there were no cubicles? Obviously I am aware that this is the norm for places like gyms, but nobody has to take their clothes right off there, unlike at swimming.

At my local pool there is a large single sex changing room, no cubicles. You have to strip naked in front of other women / girls, which is fine but I wouldn't want to do it front of men / older boys!

YANBU

Actually you are right, she didn't mention it. Other posters did and she never disputed it so I assumed it was right. I am sorry!
BUt I agree with you that it makes a huge difference. I have been to a lot of pools without them (or only two so never had a chance to go in) and I do think it would be uncomfortable for both the 10 year old boy and the women to change in front of him (seeing me some people naked might scare him for life)

If it had cubicles I think you were out of order OP, otherwise not.

That was to Eden of course :)

My DD (9 in a couple of weeks) would be really embarrassed getting changed in front of a boy of 10y. DD is startig todevelop and has the beginning of breasts, etc and she is, very normally, a little conscious (not negatively, just aware) of her newly changing figure. She wouldn't feel comfortable ith an older boy able to see her changing. I suspect she'd also feel embarrassed seeing a 10y boy undressed too.

I do think a 10y boy is old enough to go in the men's changing rooms on his own tbh.

At the very least could he have not gone in a private cubicle to change himself?

I wouldn't have spoken to the boy or the mum myself as I am very unconfrontational (i.e a coward) but would have let a member of staff know. More changing rules say 8y and over. I don't mind a bit of leeway but 10y is pushing it.

At our local baths, we have got a "changing village" with cubicles, which is not segregated by age or gender, which cuts out these kind of problems.

Obviously sn issues make matters different, but in this case it would seem that wasn't the case.

I honestly don't see why you shouldn't speak directly to the child - he's 10 fgs - it is no issue to speak in the way it sounds like you did

there are a lot of posts on here sayiung you shouldn't speak to the child and I think they are so wrong and pathetic in their attitudes - a sample of how crap our society has become

you can talk to a child - you cannot shout or humiliate a child - but you can talk to one

in fact BRAVO TO YOU FOR DOING SO!!!!!!!!!!!! (mad exclamation points to empahsise a point)

In most single sex changing rooms, ime there is one large open communcal changing area for people to get changed in and maybe 3 or 4 individual cubicles max.

In mixed sex changing rooms it is normally many cubicles with people getting changed within them. So not an issue.

"An unknown adult addressing a child in this manner is, in my opinion, wrong and heaven help the person who did this to my young child!"
This comment made me feel ill.

many of the comments on this thread make me feel ill - I'm with unfitmother

ya DEFo bvvvu.

My nephew was grabbed by a perv in a public changing room and sexually abused in a cubical.

NO WAY am i putting my child in any danger of that happening. NO WAY.

And dont say it isnt likely, it did happen and could well happen again whether it be changing rooms or public toilets.

Even if a single sex room did have some cubicles (ime there is often a few cubicles in addition to the 'big room') women/girls should be safe to assume that if they do want to nip to the shower or their locker in the nuddy then there won't be a man/older boy there when they exit the cubicle. Obviously in a changing village scenario you know that there may be men/boys around so you can act accordingly but when you are in a single sex room it should be single sex. I'm amazed she managed to force a 10yo into a women's room, my 7yo would be mortified.

cherrychoc I don't see how letting boys have unfettered access to the girls changing room is going to reduce sexual assaults. If you don't want your child going in the appropriate gender changing room then the solution is to use a family room or only go where there is communal changing. The solution is not to put older boys in with the girls who are under the impression that they are in a female only environment.

Cherry are you going to keep him in with you until he is 16? As that is breaking the rules of the majority of gyms and health clubs, but as long as it settles your own fears that is ok?

As long as there are private changing rooms what does it matter that a 10 year old boy was in there with his mum? Ok, it is it a family changing room then it is a bit different but if not, think you were out of order. You should have spoken to the mum rather than the boy.

Family rooms....good, but i want my child with me so i can protect him.

It really really shook the whole family at the time, it was awful, i just cant describe how awful it was.

I still think that children are so little and vulnerable at 10, with a voice not loud enough to fend off a determined adult.

cookcleaner I think that the problem was that it was one large female changing area without private changing cubicles.
cherrychoo how awful for your DN

Thanks for all the messages and discussion everyone!

I think that most people seem to agree that a 10yo should not be in the women's room, which is a relief.

The reason I spoke to the boy was because I do notice from time to time people flouting the age rule at our pools and it concerns me - not so much for myself (tho I like to change out of a cubicle and am not keen on a 10yo boy goggling ) but more for my 9yo DD and her peers and older.

The problem is as others say, staff are not really able to patrol the changing rooms, so I sometimes think a word to the wise is in order. If a child is with their mum then I will say (and have said) sthg to the mum. I am honestly not being passive-aggressive, if by that we mean pretending to be nice but really being nasty; I am not saying something because I want to make anyone feel bad, or to score a point; I would just rather they weren't there!

WRT changing rooms etc, we have what we have. This particular pool has one female section, one male; the female section includes a baby area (basically a big room) and then a series of grimmish cubicles with a bench and a not very effective curtain. It's hardly the privacy from the eyes of a 10yo boy that a 12yo girl might prefer as she strips off her cossie. It is also as such a female area, so whether or not there is anything on show, a girl might prefer to feel that she could strip off if she wanted (as wineclub says in fact). I hate tiny cubicles myself and always prefer to change in the big open area. I went to a David Lloyd near us one time and the changing was all open-plan but female (and male obv). Fannies everywhere

No doubt in some pools there are communal facilities or big lockable rooms or I don't know what, but this is what we have here (and incidentally in most civic pools I have swum in). Btw what happens with these communal rooms wrt showers? Lots of women at the pool I usually use strip off in the shower.

There are disabled ch rooms btw for situations mentioned by some such as achild with ASD etc.

I am also relieved btw that some people at least think it's OK for a random adult to say something to a child! If my DS1, for example, were at the cinema without me and was throwing popcorn at the person in front, I would be totally fine with them having a word.

Oh, also, not sure why a few people say I obviously don't have sons; actually I have 2, one is 11 and one 7, both change in the men's (7yo is 8 in 2 weeks anyway). I also have a daughter. Wonder what about my posts made me sound son-less

Sorry for loooong post!

Well OP I'd say YANBU

Wrt to you mentioning that there are changing rooms for the disabled then there is no need for boys aged 8 upwards in the female changing rooms.