Or rather WIBU...to talk to this boy at the pool?

[Clary]

Was just leaving the pool when I saw a well-grown lad in the women's changing room.

"Oh you're a big boy to be in the women's room," I said, kind of jokily. He said he was 10. Oh, I said, well when you're 8 you're supposed to go in the men's. "My mum said," he says. Oh well, I said, and wandered out.

The mum pursued me - Why were you talking to my son? He's with me - would you let yr 9yo go into the men's ch room [yes], well you might but I'll do what I like, don't talk to my son again etc.

I mildly said that the rule at council pools was 8yos in right-sex ch room. She stomped off to check, pointing out that I don't work there - which of course is true, but I do swim there, which I think gives me a right to tell someone when they are in the wrong place.

But am I wrong? Should I have said nothing - or maybe said something to the mum? As it goes, I am heartily in favour of the rule - I think it's to the highest degree ridiculous to be worried about a 10yo NT boy in a men's ch room, as well as infantilising for him. Surely (SEN aside, and of course I do understand it's not always visible) he can get himself dry and dressed? And whether or not I am OK with a 10yo boy seeing me getting changed, I know most 11-12-13yo girls certainly would not.

But should I not mention it? Am I breaking some unwritten law?

I agree with journey

How did you know the boy was 10? I must read back.

ah you asked him

I would be too happy with a strange woman questioning my 10 year old tbh

I think you should have stripped naked and start doing some inappropriate posing in front of her and her son. Then she would have silently and quickly taken him away and you would have had no problem at all with them, that day or any of the following ones. Ta-dah! Mission accomplished.

It does annoy me that you're not allowed to challenge anyone unless you're paid to do so - nonsense!

If his mother was with him, presumably you would have spoken to her. I don't see what the problem is. If she doesn't want anyone to ever speak to her precious child then she should not leave his side. It sounds like she got defensive because she knew she was in the wrong. YWNBU.

i think you should complain to the staff about the segregated changign rooms.
how difficult, for a father for eg to take his daughters swimming. does that mean if they were young they would need to be in the mens?
family areas with cubicles for privacy is wahts needed

It's a tricky one - you probably should have spoken to the mum not the boy, if you felt you absolutely had to. However, the problem is the organisation at the pool. I stopped going to my local pool for this reason and go to the next town over that has fab changing rooms where all the lockers are in the middle with cubicles anyone can use. They also have bigger family cubicles. I felt my 8 year olds were too young to be alone in the men's changing rooms - if they had a problem with the locker, lost clothes etc, who would have helped them?

yabu to speak to him about it - speak to the mum or go and speak to the attendants. He was there with his mum so obviously she'd told him it was alright to go in there - she might even have insisted and he was already embarrassed about it. either way, it's obv not his decision. It's a different matter to intervene when a child is breaking rules and the parent is not present.

sorry - just occured to me - did you think he was in there by himself? If you thought he was in by himself, then I guess it's more normal to challenge him rather than just ask where his mum is and speak to her.

I think there's a bit of cats-bum-mouth disapproving attitude on this thread, to be honest. There are some really po-faced ideas about not approaching other people's children these days and yes, I know I sound like an old bag just saying that, but quite honestly when I was a child (not all that long ago, honest) , adults would approach me/other kids and say similar innocuous things, and no one would have got all up in arms about it. My parents certainly wouldn't have told another adult not to speak to me.

I think being approached possibly was uncomfortable for the boy and ideally the OP should have spoken to a staff member (and should still speak to one and register her concern and ask them to make the rules clearer/enforce them better), but it was clearly a spur-of-the-moment thing, she asked in a nice way, and I don't think any real harm was done. And I agree with those who said that being in a women's changing room must be uncomfortable for a ten-year-old boy ? surely more uncomfortable than being 'confronted' by a nice and well-meaning woman.

OP - I guess I didn't see the mum and to be fair didn't even know he was with mum - lots of kids that age go there after school without parents (and why not! not this kid tho I'm guessing).

OP couldn't address the mother as he wasn't with her when conversation took place.

I can see both sides - I have a well developed 13yo with SN who I wouldn't want to leave unsupervised; equally I have a DD who would probably feel v uncomfy with a 10 yo boy in changing rooms when she is older.

Try again to quote OP

OP - I guess I didn't see the mum and to be fair didn't even know he was with mum - lots of kids that age go there after school without parents (and why not! not this kid tho I'm guessing).

OP couldn't address the mother as he wasn't with her when conversation took place.

I can see both sides - I have a well developed 13yo with SN who I wouldn't want to leave unsupervised; equally I have a DD who would probably feel v uncomfy with a 10 yo boy in changing rooms when she is older.

Was there individual cubicles? Or was it one big changing room, where everyone gets changed in-front of everyone?
If there was individual cubicles, then YABU, because there is nothing that the boy would have seen, that would have caused you or anyone else any embarrassment. He would have seen you going to the cubicle in your swimming cossie (he would see you like that in the pool anyway!), then he would see you emerge from the cubicle fully clothed.

However, if it was one big changing room, with no cubicles, then his mother is BU, she should go somewhere with individual cubicles or unisex changing areas, if she doesn't want him going into men's on his own.

My DS is nearly eleven, but he is very young for his age, still takes a teddy to bed e.t.c, even though I do try to encourage him to be more 'grown up'.
He will go into men's toilets himself (with me standing outside, shouting in "Are you OK" when someone opens the door), however, he doesn't go into men's changing areas himself. I use a pool that has one big unisex changing room, with individual cubicles.

My prepubescent 10 year old refuses point blank to change in a female changing room where there are, often, prepubescent boys present, because their mother won't allow them to go into the male changing room. And who can blame her? It is perfectly normal for girls to feel uncomfortable, and embarrassed, about boys (and sometimes boys from her class!) looking at their developing bodies.

I would have thought it would also be uncomfortable for the boy changing in front of girls.

If my dd goes swimming with her dad he goes in the male changing rooms and she goes in the female changing rooms. She is perfectly capable of dressing herself, as are most children over the age of 8. SN children excepted, of course.

YWNBU to comment OP. I wonder where this notion that adults are not allowed to speak to other peoples children comes from?

why do people think it ws wrong to talk to child - op sounds like she spoke politely to him, doesn't sound to me like she did anything wrong... people are allowed to talk to children, aren't they?

You only have to look at a daily sample of MN threads to see where this sense of entitlement is coming from. Teachers can't tell children off, no matter what divilspawn behaviour they use...old ladies, god forbid, can't even look in the direction of a newborn without being pistolwhipped in the streets.....and if a grandparent should very dare to do something as abominable as buy clothes for her/his grandchild without specifically being granted permission from She Who Must Be Obeyed....why...the heavens fall and the earth is rent asunder. (worrever that means, sounds good though, no?)

What about the family changing rooms? Group changing rooms?
What if the boy had seen something really embarrassing/scary/unsuitable in the women's changing room? Can't think of anything too scary offhand but someone might have an accident, started their period or shown too much flesh or whatever. He needs protecting as much as everyone else.
OP I think you were quite reasonable

I'm not wishing to be rude, just rather confused here...If this was a changing room in a different situation (a shop maybe) it might be questionable, but I'm not really sure what the fuss is about at a pool. After all, just outside the changing room, at the poolside, everyone is walking about in full view of everyone else in just their cossies anyway. It's not like the changing room is one big room with everyone starkers in it, people are only naked in the privacy of their own cubicles, so there would be nothing different for the boy to 'see' in there that he hadn't/couldn't have already seen anyway IYSWIM. I've been to pools where there is only one 'changing village' where everyone changes, male or female. In cubicles.

"It is putting him in a position were his natural interested in semi naked lasses could lead to being labelled a creepy little lad."

So the fact he goes to a swimming pool where semi naked lasses are wearing swimsuits could make him labelled as creepy just because they are there? How? What's the answer? Segregated swimming pools? I can't see the difference between being on the poolside/in the pool and being in the changing room. He is still being 'exposed' to girls and women in swimsuits in both cases. Why is it inappropriate to be around them in the changing room but not on the poolside?

eden....in a women's changing room, my DD and my 9 year old neice KNOW they can make a dash for the shower or whatnot and feel omfotable in just their towel. They wouldn't feel happy with a ten year old boy there.

People aren't just in cossies inn the changing rooms. They are in various states of undress.

eden 263

Because a womens changing area is 'private' and the actual pool is public. Poolside is not a place that is 'forbidden' I just think its so difficult for boys to make the transition into manhood because lets face it a lot of kids are being brought up to be frightened of men. I was always ultra aware how uncomfortable my boys could get around their sisters friends when they were developing.

You wouldn't put a 10 year old girl in with the men lets consider the lads feelings too.

the changing rooms at my local pool are one big communal room - I don't know about the mens, but there are only 2 cubicles in the ladies.

eden

If that is the case why do people bother with swimming costumes? No point in having seperate male and female changing rooms either is there? Just think how much we would all save if we didn't have to bother buying clothes!

I don't know about your children but my dd (10) is not impressed with the growing number of boys in the female changing room. And my sons would have been mortified if I had insisted they change in a room full of girls!

The kids must all be fairly local to the pool and each other imagine two lasses shouting at the lad at a bus stop for instance 'oh look its that pervy gammer from the pool he was lurking round the lasses changing room the freak' not very nice for the lad. Not what I'd want for one of mine.

Yanbu I can't believe a 10 yo can't handle dressing on their own - do they really need mummy to monitor every little task?

Really out of order for young girls to have to put up with boys of that age in the changing rooms. I would have complained to the front desk and not bothered with the child or mum. You were obviously going to get a mouthful from a mum that is so overprotective.