Or rather WIBU...to talk to this boy at the pool?

[Clary]

Was just leaving the pool when I saw a well-grown lad in the women's changing room.

"Oh you're a big boy to be in the women's room," I said, kind of jokily. He said he was 10. Oh, I said, well when you're 8 you're supposed to go in the men's. "My mum said," he says. Oh well, I said, and wandered out.

The mum pursued me - Why were you talking to my son? He's with me - would you let yr 9yo go into the men's ch room [yes], well you might but I'll do what I like, don't talk to my son again etc.

I mildly said that the rule at council pools was 8yos in right-sex ch room. She stomped off to check, pointing out that I don't work there - which of course is true, but I do swim there, which I think gives me a right to tell someone when they are in the wrong place.

But am I wrong? Should I have said nothing - or maybe said something to the mum? As it goes, I am heartily in favour of the rule - I think it's to the highest degree ridiculous to be worried about a 10yo NT boy in a men's ch room, as well as infantilising for him. Surely (SEN aside, and of course I do understand it's not always visible) he can get himself dry and dressed? And whether or not I am OK with a 10yo boy seeing me getting changed, I know most 11-12-13yo girls certainly would not.

But should I not mention it? Am I breaking some unwritten law?

I also would feel uncomfortable about letting a child 8yr + go in on his own to the mens changing room,
Ds2 is 9 & a half, and I know he wouldnt be comfortable going in to the mens changing rooms on his own,
However my 12 yr old at that age, wouldnt have a problem with it at all.

Dont know what the answer is really apart from using the family changing rooms, and wait for the time they're not comfortable in getting undressed in front of mum anymore.

I think the mum was probably annoyed because you dealt with it passive aggressively via the child. If you had a problem you should have spoken to the mum.

I would have found an assistant and had them sort it....at ten he shouldn't be in the womens room.

The lad isn't being given a chance to grow up....his Mum sounds barmy.

Why should she have mentioned it to a staff member? That is escalating it and then people would accuse her of overreacting. She saw the boy, he was in the wrong place, she said something on the spur of the moment.
Seeking out the mother would have caused just as much aggro by the sounds of it.

YANBU

I think ywbu as you approached somebody elses child and told them they were in the wrong for doing as their parent had told them, which was not your place. If it concerned you then you should have pointed it out to the staff. TBH, I still see a 10 year old as a child so I wouldn't be uncomfortable at all. Where ds1 does his swimming lessons there are no single sex changing rooms, just individual family sized changing rooms.

Do you have sons? Clearly he should have been in a cubicle/family changing. With my sons I have found there is a difficult watershed period when you are not comfortable to let them do something alone but other peoples feelings need to be considered. Eg toilets/changing rooms. Having 4 children and working with children I have found a massive difference in children within age groups, some are very mature others need to be monitored constantly.

I don't think as the adult you should have addressed the child. Infact I can think of few situations when it is appropriate to approach a child if the adult is present as you hold all the power in the situation and therefore it is unfair. If you were offended by it you should have spoken to the staff.

I do remember trying to take my DS into the ladies toilets at Victoria station when he was 8, and being sent out by the attendant. He has AS and was very naive, and I wasn't comfy about him alone.
But he went to the men's toilets, and I stood outside and bellowed 'Are you OK DS?' at regular intervals, and he yelled back. We also sang a duet, so that I knew he was OK. Strange looking men in raincoats gave me a wide berth.
I could have argued for the disabled toilets, but he'd have had an accident by then.

Do I use the only pool in the land that has individual changing rooms? Why are you all putting yourselves through the hell of communal changing?!!

i think ywbu to approach the boy himself.
he wasn't really old enough to just do as you said and go off was he? if his mum had told him to change in there? although where was she at the time?

i would have spoken to a member of staff and asked them to approach them about it

Our new revamped pool just has lots of cubicles all down the side of the pool so it's no longer a problem, but up until 2 yrs ago they were male/female and often you would see great galumphin young whippersnappers in the female ones with their Mums.

I suppose we have to look at it both ways. I wouldn't be that happy with dd being taken into the men's by her dad in all honesty. Not because I'm paedonoid, (far from it, as any of my posts on the matter will testify) I just always imagine male changing rooms to be a bit mingy. (if my bathroom after dp has been in it is anything to go by) But rules is rules.

OP, YwerenotBU at all though, especially if you thought the boy was alone.

I think you were totally in order.
All this, speak to a member of staff and get them to deal with it - why can't we deal with issues ourselves instead of involving tiers of people.
There was a problem, you addressed it with the relevant person - the boy (in the absence at that point of his mother), you then spoke to his mother when asked.
I totally don't see a problem with this.

I think you were fine, if this was all said in a calm voice etc.

I would expect a ten year old to handle a conversation like that, i know my 4yr old could....how difficult is it to say, "I'm with my Mum, she told me to"

I dont think it was fair for him to be there either, toilets with cubicles doesnt bother me, so I wouldnt have had any issues with Goblins son going in the ladies but an actual changing room is just not on

I wouldn't have said anything to the boy - it's not his fault, he was just doing what his mum told him, and probably didn't choose to be in the awkward position between disobeying her and annoying other people.

This of course is a good reason for having family changing rooms (though personally I think a 10 year old should usually be able to go into the men's on his own), most pools IME seem to have them now.

You need to give young lads confidence in themselves, by the time they are 6/7 they should be taught that yes there is some queer horrible people about and if you are ANYWHERE and someone tries to be bold or rude with you its ok for you to yell LEAVE ME ALONE YOUR NOT MY DADDY or if necessary clatter them, we practice it at home.

Neither of my boys would be seen dead in a 'lasses/women area' so if they were going into a mens area on their own I would say sit by a man with his on lads or sit as near to the entrance/exit as possible. Don't go into dark corners.

I know it is hard but you have to let them grow up, gradually letting go of the reins. Try rearing them to be confident men not wet nellies.

I don't think you did anything wrong, OP.
But would be less grief for you in future to talk to only staff about it :).

I don't think YWBU. You had no way of knowing if he was alone or with an adult. There is no reason to assume a 10yo would be accompanied and generally, 10yos are capable of being able to participate in a conversation. He shouldn't have been there and it was his mother, not you who put him in that position.

YANBU

You were not being unreasonable.

It's all this 'you should have told a staff member ' and 'you don't work there' that is the reason a lot of children think they can do what the hell they like and damn the rest of society, 'cos nobody is allowed to challenge them on anything.

The mum clearly has ishoos with letting her child grow up. I have a family member like this, drives me mad. (only when it affects me and mine, obv.)

I did'nt realise they had gender specific changing areas at swimming pool , are they open plan?

Ours is just a big area with rows of cubicles to get changed in and a big open area with showers along the wall for everyone to use.

Sometimes it can be a bit uncomfortable but that's because I am a lard arse paranoid person WRT to my body but that would be the case whether it is men or women.

Are these changing rooms communal? I've never been to a pool that didn't have cubicles, I can't believe they still exist!

You should of spoken to the Mum not the boy. You sound rather smug mentioning the 8 year old rule on changing rooms to the 10 year old boy. My guess is you don't have a DS.

Saying "Oh you're a big boy to be in the women's room" was rather patronising. You could of at least said "you look a little old to be in the women's changing room". You talked to him like a baby but the subject content was more for an older child/adult to deal with. A tad contrary and a bit bullying.

Agree with journey.

I think if you were addressing the boy directly, you should have spoken to him as you'd normally speak to a 10 yr old

However, personally I would have complained to staff instead. I know it's difficult if staff are thin on the ground, but its unacceptable to have boy of this age there

My 10yo DS wouldn't be seen dead in a womens changing room.

Maybe different if the DS has SN, but then surely you would take them in a changing room with you.

I wouldn't have said anything to the boy/mum, but I might have mentioned it to reception on the way out.

YANBU. I agree with SouthgoingZax and society is no better for it. So many people have an over developed sense of entitlement and think that rules only apply to others.

Yabu. You should have spoken to the mother, not the 9 year old child.

He is nine, did you expect him to say yes miss sorry miss and immediately vacate the vicinity?

His mother is responsible for his whereabouts, any issues with him being in the wrong place need to be directed to her.