Or rather WIBU...to talk to this boy at the pool?

[Clary]

Was just leaving the pool when I saw a well-grown lad in the women's changing room.

"Oh you're a big boy to be in the women's room," I said, kind of jokily. He said he was 10. Oh, I said, well when you're 8 you're supposed to go in the men's. "My mum said," he says. Oh well, I said, and wandered out.

The mum pursued me - Why were you talking to my son? He's with me - would you let yr 9yo go into the men's ch room [yes], well you might but I'll do what I like, don't talk to my son again etc.

I mildly said that the rule at council pools was 8yos in right-sex ch room. She stomped off to check, pointing out that I don't work there - which of course is true, but I do swim there, which I think gives me a right to tell someone when they are in the wrong place.

But am I wrong? Should I have said nothing - or maybe said something to the mum? As it goes, I am heartily in favour of the rule - I think it's to the highest degree ridiculous to be worried about a 10yo NT boy in a men's ch room, as well as infantilising for him. Surely (SEN aside, and of course I do understand it's not always visible) he can get himself dry and dressed? And whether or not I am OK with a 10yo boy seeing me getting changed, I know most 11-12-13yo girls certainly would not.

But should I not mention it? Am I breaking some unwritten law?

My DD (aged 11) and her similarly aged friends went swimming yesterday. They would have been extremely upset to find a boy from their year (or the one below) in the female changing room. I am sure that the boy would hate to be in that position as well.

OP was not apparently aware that the boy's mother was in the changing room. She was entirely right to talk to him and then point out the rules to the mother. The rules are in place for the comfort of the customers including OP.

How ridiculous to say that grownups cant talk to children! The boy may simply have got lost and found himself in the wrong changing rooms.

In my experience of pool changing rooms (I was a lifeguard and also a club swimmer so lots of experience!) the cubicles are not designed for changing in so many normal sized adults have to change in the open areas.

I would have spoken to a member of staff personally. However saying that, the pool attendants at our local pool aren't the most forthcoming.

Not having been there, I don't know what tone you used when speaking to the boy in question, however, I believe by the words you have said that you used, you were being confrontational. An unknown adult addressing a child in this manner is, in my opinion, wrong and heaven help the person who did this to my young child!

It's not about children not speaking to adults, it's about someone, who has a degree of authority by virtue of being an adult, abusing that by behaving in a passive agressive / confrontational manner.

Were you being unreasonable? Depends. Are you concerned that you shouldn't have spoken to the child? I don't think you should have. Should you not have raised it with staff? Most certainly this is the only common sense solution if you feel strongly enough that there is an issue to be addressed, then the issue can be dealt with by someone with the authority to do something, either enforce the rules or set the wheels in motion to improve the facilities. Should the boy have been in the female changing rooms? I don't know, I have no knowledge of the childs circumstances or needs, but be aware that local governments have equal opportunity policies in place to ensure equal access to services, which doesn't necessarily mean one 10 year olds needs are met in the same way as another 10 year old.

No. You were not BU.

Why on earth cant a 10 year old change in the mens room? Do the mothers of boys dress them every morning too? How on earth do these boys manage to change for swimming or PE at school without dearest mummy to help?

I am shocked that people are not allowed to talk to children these days. The world has gone fucking mad!

Bordemove

All I can say is it is lucky you don't live in the dales we are always checking each others bairns. We all look after/over the youngsters in the same way we do the disabled and very old. I would of probably said 'what you doing in here lad this is the lasses changing room get yourself over the way'.

I can't believe we inhabit the same universe

I don't think you were wrong. I think 10 is a little old to be in the women's change room. I might have asked him if he was with his mum or if he was lost and in the wrong room TBH. I personally think his mum was over-the-top and super rude - you were just talking to him.

its very difficult

i wasnt comfortable with my 9 yr old going in a male changing room alone (this was years ago way before paedo stuff became well known). I really didnt know what to do for the best

Family rooms are ideal for this now

I will say it would be nice if more pools had family change rooms.

beesimo

It's not about looking out for the vulnerable in the community. I don't think that the OP was looking out for any particular individual, in the same way I don't think your response addressed the issues originally raised.

As for inhabiting the same universe, it's a shame that you feel you can't live beside someone who has a different opinion to you. I'm trying to look at this objectively, perhaps you just want to be rude.

As I said, I don't know the tone that was used, nor do you. By their own admission, OP states that she said "kind of jokily". What exactly does that mean? Let's be real, if someone is asking if their behaviour was ok, it is rare that they will give a true representation of events rather than painting themselves in a positive way.

Do you, or any of us on this forum, know why the mother feels the need for this child to accompany her into the female changing rooms? No. In that case who are we to question if he should have been there or not, each of us can only speak for our own experiences and circumstances. I don't know if he should have been in there or in the male rooms, but I know that if I felt strongly enough about it I would have handled it differently, namely I would have mentioned it to the staff for the reasons in my previous post.

"An unknown adult addressing a child in this manner is, in my opinion, wrong and heaven help the person who did this to my young child!" Unreal...

OP only spoke to him, she didn't rant and rave. How are your children going to deal with being asked a question by an adult and speak confidently and stand their ground -if necessary- if you shield them from adult simply asking them a question?

You would think a 9/10 yo boy on the brink of puberty would be asking his Mother why exactly he had to accompany her to a female changing room. Perhaps he felt uncomfortable and was forced to go in.

Border

The same universe remark was not meant to be rude it just amazes me how differently we Ms think. I am still fairly new to MMsnet I realise I might be coming across as a bit rude, while I would probably describe you as very pompous and up your own backside.

You have also misunderstood what 'checking' means in our dialect it means a very mild form of reprimand a better way of saying it is to say 'the bairn was out of line and I corrected him'

Am I digging myself a big hole again?

Don't over react ladies she didn't berate the boy it sounds like she was asking a friendly question really. The Mother over reacted imo. I think the OP was right to say something, it sounds like the rest of you would have said nothing but come on here for a moan. I would have mentioned it to the staff in there. The way I see it, young girls using the room would feel embarrassed and I bet the poor lad does too. Maybe the Mum will have a think about it now.

TBH I'd never ever speak to the mum or boy BUT I would IMMEDIATELY go and get a member of staff, tell them you are v v uncomfortable and can they sort it out.

At my sister's gym its from age 3, and basically means that before her DS was about 6/7 she had to get dressed wet and all have showers at home.

YANBU

A 10 - 11- 12- 13 even 14 year old girl certainly wouldn't have the confidence to point this out to either the boy or the mum or the pool. I think I probably would have pointed this out to the pool too.

Yes it must be hard for mums of lone boys when visiting the pool, but surely keeping said boy with to ensure he was not roaming around would have been a more reasonable action for the mum .

YABU. What fucked up rules. Where is your local swimming pool? Saudi Arabia?
Our local pool has moved into the 21st century and has mixed sex changing rooms and mixed sex swimming.
They are just human bodies - get over it.

actual mixed sex changing rooms or a mixed area with many cubicles?

Mixed area with many cubicles. Opened in 2010. A breath of fresh air. I'm sick of the way we bring our kids up to be paranoid, ashamed and embarrassed about seeing a bit more skin and being seen by the opposite sex.

i think you are missing the point then tbh, if there were cubicles it wouldnt be a problem...th problem is where it is men/womens changing rooms and no cubicles

Sorry - I didn't realise there was such a thing as communal changing areas at swimming pools. I've never seen one in my life!

YABU agree with GotArt it was passive agressive. And btw same thing happened to my DS at 8 as he looked older. He was very distressed. As single parent, just what was I expected to do?
As for pedo fever, boys are just as vulnerable too.

I don't know why the mother wanted her son in the changing room with her, my point is that I don't think anyone on this forum does. Maybe he has mental health issues, SN or she has her own insecurities.

Scarlett I am not referring to the fact that this woman spoke to the child. As I said I objected to the manner in which it was done. I do not shield my child from being asked questions by adults but I understood the situation, a room full of semi naked women and girls, to not be the norm and, while stating the obvious (that he was in the wrong changing room) to be confrontational. What is the point if he is only doing what he's been told to do. My point, and perhaps I misunderstood, was that she didn't just speak to him.

beesimo Perhaps I did misunderstand your use of "checking" but you did get across that as a community you look after the vulnerable, which, I believe is how it should be. And of you stop digging, I'll remove my head from my backside

The changing rooms at our local pool are communal (one female, one male). Last year DD (then 10 and v developed) came out looking very uncomfortable saying that there was a man in there helping his daughter get changed. It seemed so unlikely that I initially didn't believe her ("Perhaps it is a woman who just looks like a man?") She then insisted that this had been happening for several weeks!
Turns out it really was a man who had decided that since his 5 year old DD didn't like going in to the men's changing rooms to get changed with him, he would go with her into the ladies.
I went and complained to staff straightaway who promptly intervened.

But really. How could he ever have thought that that would be acceptable?

OMG Grendel - wtf was that man thinking? Surprised no-one else had complained

If the boy in question did have SN, which was the reason for him being in the female changing rooms, then presumably he would have been next to his Mum, however when the OP addressed the child she couldn't see a parent with him.