to have sent 4 yo dd to bed with no story for this..

[camperli]

Having dinner in a hotel and had (pre) ordered a fancy dessert for dd.
She was off having a play in the kids' playroom when dessert came and when she came back I offered her mine (same as we had ordered for her) as they had not brought hers and I was too full to eat all of mine.

DD refused to eat mine and insisted at length on having her own. Eventually I thought, well, we have ordered and paid for it so we may as well get it, so I asked for hers to be brought. They brought a child sized version of mine, not so pretty or so much. She tasted one bite and then pushed it away and said she didn 't like it and wouldn't try any more.

I'm afraid I saw red, marched her to our room immediately and sent her to bed with no story. When asked by very tearful dd why she was being sent to bed, I answered that her behaviour had been selfish and greedy, but I'm not sure that that is an explanation a 4 year old can understand. She has fallen straight asleep.

I am still really angry, but don't know how to explain this come tomorrow morning. Also not sure if my reaction is appropriate.

i would acknowledge having been grumpy and unfair the night before and apologise for that, but i wouldn't go over the food thing again.

Yes, but the Mums pudding was the SAME as pre ordered for DD, so DD should of tried that first - then maybe if she'd asked nicely

agree mountain out of mole hill though & also thats theres more going on with the relationship dynamics than DD just wanting a whole pudding - but I really don't see need for an apology Kids being Kids, it will probably all be forgotten in the morning anyway

its her MOTHERS pudding gag not some random stranger that walked in off the street......talk about splitting hairs to make a point

How is that splitting hairs?

Haven't read whole thread so might be repeating.
Her behaviour wasn't greedy or selfish. If she was being greedy she'd have eaten all of yours and wanted hers too. I think you were being selfish by not taking her feelings into account tbh - you didn't care that she didn't like it or that she didn't want it.
I think you need to be careful about your attitude towards food - it's ok to leave something if you genuinely don't like it, or are full surely (as demonstrated by you!). It's also double standards and so therefore unfair. You need to apologise IMO, and be a bit less uptight about food generally or you could be storing up problems for the future.

OP - I think you probably knew your reaction was OTT which is why you asked the question.

BUT - I think many of the responses here are quite nasty and unhelpful. Why on earth shouldn't a child eat from the same plate as their parent?

imo it is a bit naughty of a child to demand things at the table (or wherever) just because they are feeling a bit stroppy, and they should be made aware that that isn't the way to behave. Which I'm guessing is why the OP was annoyed, and the 'greedy' thing wasn't about eating, more about demanding things that they thought they might be being denied (which is what 4 year olds do, of course).

Actually, I am going to stick my neck out and say YANBU

If 4.5 yo ds1 had done that he would have got a huge telling off. He knows that it is wrong to waste food and why. He also knows that if he is not sure whether he likes something dh or I are eating he should ask to try it before asking for his own, as once he is served something he is expected to eat it. He also knows that he should ask for only a small amount initially, as he may not be able to eat it all otherwise.

But then again, he never, ever gets pudding (mean mother emoticon).

I would not, however use language like being selfish and greedy. I use complicated preachy arguments about how the fact that us in the first world wasting so much food contributes to raising food prices in the third world and poor people being unable to buy food for their family as a consequence and their children dying of starvation. Works just as well and gets to the point of why it riles me so much without being so judgy of him individually.

Eco - you post makes no sense.

The child didn't ask for the pudding. It was pre-ordered by the OP. It was very late when it was finally served, and her DD was knackered. You've got a similarly aged child. You therefore must know how appetite and behaviour decline as energy levels also dissipate.

If all food that is served but not eaten is "wasted" we are teaching our children that their stomach's are basically dustbins. You shove it in no matter what because otherwise it is "waste".

I'm genuinely interested in the reasons you tell your DS WHY it is wrong to waste food. Because I really hope it's not one of those bollox reasons that try to convince them that by shoving down unwanted food they will somehow be helping lessen the surplus food mountains, or put food in the mouth of a starving child in the third world....These kinds of ideas lay the foundations for seriously fucked up eating habits in so many adults.

Oh, look, that IS your reasoning.

Eat your ice-cream DS, because it somehow will impact a starving third world child positively to see you cram more sugar laden, saturated fat into your body so you can become like all the other millions of obese children living in the West.

Hugs, restaurants + small children = stress
restaurants + small children + my DH (who gets nervous in public with small children) = STRESS
restaurants plus my now 10 year old, who is incredibly liable, to behave like OP's 4 year old = STRESS!!!!

However, DD2 is getting very slowly less fussy about food and DD1 (13) is no trouble at all - so in 9 years you should have a relaxing meal

eco you make perfect sense to me & thank god for Parents like you - perhaps there is hope for society after all :)

MistyValley do you think it was being naughty or just being a normal 4yo?

Ramona, as I said we don't have pudding, so hardly forcing ds to consume fat and sugar.

However yes she did ask for the food, she refused to try her mother's and 'insisted at length on having her own'.

I do have a master's degree in economics so I'm perfectly capable of explaining supply and demand to my ds. Our being careless with our food leads to excess demand for food products which raises world food prices. They are at an all time high, as it happens, so now is a particularly bad time to do so.

If we all think carefully before we decide what food to put on our plates excess food does not need to be prepared or wasted, it is a good habit. Less conducive to obesity than loading your plate high and then not eating it, by the way. Portion control is a good habit to get into early. Both dh and I do this and have BMIs around 20, so he doesn't exactly have a bad example there.

thanks rockinhippy. Nice to know I am not just a lone voice in the woods. :)

so there were 2 plates of virtually untouched
food left, which is what made me cross

......the larger of which was yours. YABU.

Sounds like everyone was tired. Never mind, your DD won't even remember it in the morning.

Have a peaceful night and enjoy tomorrow together.

I think YABU in the way you handled it, but really you should not have given in to demands for her own pudding in the first place. If she didn't want to eat yours, she probably wasn't hungry enough for her own.

Hey Eco, I bet you are great fun at a dinner party.

sounds like you were both tired and you overreacted to some stroppy behaviour. We've all done it. Just so long as you realise you overreacted. I can see why you got cross, you thought she was being ungrateful.

But I think you feel bad because you somewhat spoiled the end of a nice evening over her eating a pudding which is a tad controlling but probably due to you being a bit tired

and her attitude and demanding her own pud is typical of a four year old girl because it's nice to have your own stuff at that age.

Don't beat yourself up about it but relax in the future and realise what kind of mood you're in before you start to 'see red'.

You were being unreasonable, and rather mad. But yes, children can be annoying. I would say a brief sorry in the morning and be nice to her all day, if I were you.

Sounds like the poor kid was copying her mommy to me, i think you were way out of line.

Also cant imagine fobbing my children off with my cast offs, no not eco friendly, but would find it quite disrespectful if DH wouldnt buy me a desert as i didnt want his left overs so i certainly wouldnt entertain doing it to my children. Hardly a social nicety learning that we just pick at someone elses to save a fiver!

I do feel slightly sorry for Eco's son having to listen to those speeches about food prices around the world when he isn't even 5 years old yet, and he doesn't even get any dessert at the end of it, poor chap.

ps I've got a no-whinging policy for my four year old. whatever it is she wants as soon as she starts whinging about it she immediately gets told she certainly won't get it now, no discussions. It's a zero tolerance policy and it's actually starting to work.

Meh, you overreacted, it happens and it is OK to let your daughter know that in the morning as well.

I apologize to my kids sometimes, I fuck up, and react without thinking.

I think YABVU for the reasons already mentioned.
For those saying, give the op a break, we all lose our rag with our kids - yes that is true, but I think what's spurring such strong opinions is that the op hasn't written a post saying "I over re-acted and feel really bad". There's not much regret in the op. And at the time of writing, she was still angry.

Anyway, camperli, hope you don't feel too overwhelmed by the responses, try to take it positively, learn from it and move on. But personally I would try and lower my expectations and pick my battles. You are entitled to your opinions though, but perhaps what would have been less stressful for you, and less traumatic for your dd is if you'd just explained to her you don't like food waste.

FWIW, I came from a generation of "finish your dinner, there are people starving out there" and I'm now trying very hard to unlearn these messages that have caused me to over eat and not be able to leave food on my plate even when I'm full. I hate food waste too, but I now feel very liberated when I scrape my left overs into the bin (thank you Paul Mckenna!) knowing that I would have just forced it down my gob instead. Guilt around food, or any other negative feeling, should not be encouraged - it can spur a lifetime of unwanted eating habits.

FWIW, if I've really over stepped the mark, and I do, I personally do feel ds deserves an apology, an explanation and a hug. I think it goes a long way for ds and also helps me resolve it in my head and move on. I never spend too long on it or make it into a big issue. I try to stay in control as the authoritive parent, and say something like "I'm sorry for shouting at you ds, I shouldn't have lost my temper, I should have just explained it nicely. Now I will explain it nicely. I love you" end of. I don't really like the "they've probably forgotten by the morning" attitude. What if they haven't?

For those in favour of op, I don't personally agree with your opinions, but even if they are valid - this child is FOUR YEARS OLD. Give them a break. They've got so much to learn and take in. I don't think they need the shortage of food in other countries problem resting on their shoulders. And I'm all for discipline and teaching your child to show respect...but I would not expect that much of it from a 4 year old!!!

Ecobatty, please don't give economics graduates a bad name. OK, so my BA doesn't match your MA and I too hate waste, but honestly...

OP ordered too much.
OP didn't anticipate DD wanting her own pudding that she knew had been ordered.
OP didn't present own pudding as DDs - the trick that can easily be spotted in hindsight (and with foresight when you know what children are like) .
DD wasn't really hungry and was tired.
OP knows she was unreasonable or she wouldn't have posted.

I hope the OP saved the puddings for breakfast as unlike leftover cold potato etc untouched pudding would make an absolute treat breakfast and avoid the waste. By morning it is unlikely that DD will remember anything about the pudding.

ecobatty,

I presume your 4 year old doesnt shop for the food? Just gets offered an amount that you believe he is likely to eat? In which case the person who would be responsible for the wasted food (if there is any) is you.

It has taken me many years to persuade myself that food that will sit as fat on my hips and tummy is just as much of a waste as the food that goes in the bin. There are lots of ways to let children know that they are lucky compared to others, and that they have a responsibility to consider this when making choices. Encouraging them to eat food when they feel full is not on of them in my opinion.