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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have sent 4 yo dd to bed with no story for this..

290 replies

camperli · 25/03/2011 19:48

Having dinner in a hotel and had (pre) ordered a fancy dessert for dd.
She was off having a play in the kids' playroom when dessert came and when she came back I offered her mine (same as we had ordered for her) as they had not brought hers and I was too full to eat all of mine.

DD refused to eat mine and insisted at length on having her own. Eventually I thought, well, we have ordered and paid for it so we may as well get it, so I asked for hers to be brought. They brought a child sized version of mine, not so pretty or so much. She tasted one bite and then pushed it away and said she didn 't like it and wouldn't try any more.

I'm afraid I saw red, marched her to our room immediately and sent her to bed with no story. When asked by very tearful dd why she was being sent to bed, I answered that her behaviour had been selfish and greedy, but I'm not sure that that is an explanation a 4 year old can understand. She has fallen straight asleep.

I am still really angry, but don't know how to explain this come tomorrow morning. Also not sure if my reaction is appropriate.

OP posts:
colditz · 25/03/2011 21:24

I think you've been absolutely horrible. I have a four year old and i would actually be crying with shame if I had been so controlling and cruel - and I am one shouty bad tempered mother!

She did exactly what you did. You are bigger than her, so she got the punishment, despite you being the one who should know better.

colditz · 25/03/2011 21:25

RockinHippy - How do expect them not to be demanding and wasteful if you cannot refrain from being demanding and wasteful yourself?

SmethwickBelle · 25/03/2011 21:29

Raahh - :D hope you haven't been scared away! x

Rafi · 25/03/2011 21:29

Go easy on the op now? For those who haven't read the thread, she did accept a couple of pages back that she was BU.

rockinhippy · 25/03/2011 21:30

& how do you expect them to respect adults, (teachers included) if you don't start them off on the right track by teaching that THEY are Children & YOU are the adult & therefore they don't demand, but ask nicely ??? - or they don't get

CatIsSleepy · 25/03/2011 21:31

oof
don't worry about it. Life with 4-year olds is full of ups and downs. We all muck up at times. She'll have forgotten about it by morning...

Raahh · 25/03/2011 21:32

smethwickbelleNoo, not scared away, lurking quietly, realising i am obviously a horrible person!Grin
(and DD1 loves me)

AitchTwoOh · 25/03/2011 21:33

yabvu

SmethwickBelle · 25/03/2011 21:37

raahh I am sure you are lovely and not remotely horrible x

squeakytoy · 25/03/2011 21:38

I can still remember a few occasions that I felt very unfairly treated when I was 4, so I would make sure you do apologise to her tomorrow. :)

ballstoit · 25/03/2011 21:38

I think YABU. Please dont revisit this in the morning, in fact dont ever revisit stuff with a 4 year old 12 hours later. And perhaps also have a chat with a close friend or your DH/DP or a family member about whether they think you have a problem with food. The words 'greedy' and 'selfish' when used around food make me concerned about the messages you are giving your DD on a more reegular basis.

Georgimama · 25/03/2011 21:41

The child was promised a nice pudding all of her own. No doubt some fuss was made about how this was a treat.

Due to cock up by hotel child's pudding not brought. Child understandably does not want the pudding mummy has rejected for herself. She wants her nice pudding.

Pudding is brought. Child tries it. Child does not like it.

I'm struggling to see what you think child has done wrong, rockinhippy. Children are allowed not to like foods they haven't chosen and haven't tried before. Forcing children to eat every scrap of food put in front of them is not good.

annielouisa · 25/03/2011 21:42

I think you are probably tired and stressed but also YABU. Even as a child I wasn't keen on eating food other people had started and perhaps the pudding was too rich. Was the service very slow as your DD was off in the play area during the meal. I tried to encourage my Dc to leave the play areas until after the meal as playing always trumps eating.

saffy85 · 25/03/2011 21:46

You know by now YABU. You should apologise because it was an overrreaction on your part and it sounds like your DD was confused by this.

I say this as someone who overreacts herself at times- it's normal, most people do some of the time especially when shattered and/or stressed out. Important thing imo is to admit when you're wrong and say sorry.

tigerdriverII · 25/03/2011 21:48

Oh goodness - give OP a break. She didn't handle this well but small children are v v v infuriating at times and sometimes you just snap a bit. As someone above says, it's not crime of the century and there have been some very unkind posts and uncalled for opinions about OP's attitude to food.

OP - just move on, don't drag it up tomorrow, your DD will have forgotten all about it.

MunchkinsMumof2 · 25/03/2011 21:50

you sound like an over reacting loon really. You are that embabrrassing parent and the only person who deserves an apology is your poor little girl (do you remember she's only little?)

Pancakeflipper · 25/03/2011 22:01

OP - ok it was OTT. But nothing an apology and an extra big hug cannot resolve. And sadly I am sure you daughter will meet other injustices in her lifetime, ones not so easily resolved.

We all fuck up. It's how you sort it that matters now.

Olivetti · 25/03/2011 22:05

I think the majority of people are being very mean to you. You did over-react a bit, but so does everyone from time to time. It just makes you human! I would just be extra nice to her tomorrow, and forget about it. And assume everyone who has posted has never lost their cool or got infuriated with small children. Hmmm.

FantasticDay · 25/03/2011 22:11

Just a small point. I can't see what your dd did wrong, but if she's naughty in future, I'd go for immediate time out, asking dd to tell you what she did wrong and apologise. Then cuddle. Then normal bedtime routine. Going to bed on an argument is very sad.

rockinhippy · 25/03/2011 22:19

of course its not good forcing kids to eat whatever georgi but at no point did I say that it was, or anything else read between the lines that I haven't actually writtenHmm-

but theres nothing wrong with teaching kids manners & respect & that they are not the ones in charge & that they can't have everything they want - & 4 is by no means to early to do that

the DD could of tried Mums pudding, she'd didn't want to, so DD obviously wasn't that desperate for a pudding - IMHO the only the only thing I can see that the OP did wrong - was by giving in to her DDs strop & letting her have the pudding she demanded in the first place - but I'm we've all been there

reacting in anger to the DDs refusal to eat her own pudding wasn't the best but I doubt any real harm has been done & I really don't think the OP deserves the flaming she is getting on here - she may not of handled it in the best way, but treating her DD as a CHILD, rather than mini equal ADULT is no bad thing - if more parents took that stance the world might actually be a better place Hmm

HoegaardenHappiness · 25/03/2011 22:19

Sounds like you could do with this book:

'when your kids push your buttons, and what to do about it' by Bonnie Harris

It changed my life; no really!

There is probably a whole lot more than an uneaten pudding going on in this situation.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/03/2011 22:26

YABU

If you are out for a meal then the rules are different to at home, IMO. It is a treat, a special occasion.

If you told her that you had ordered her a pudding then of course she wanted it. It wouldn't have occurred to me to try and get her to eat mine which I didn't want, if you'd already ordered it.
Would be very different if she had initially said she didn't want pudding, then changed her mind but refused yours, and then rejected her own as well.

rockin - the OP caused the strop though, by trying to get her DD to eat her 'cast off' pudding rather than asking her specific one to be brought.

Tbh the whole thing is a mountain out of a molehill, but I do think that the OP should apologise to her DD in the morning.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 25/03/2011 22:31

yup you were vvvu and i guess you know it by now!!

i also think its important to apologise to her in the morning. don't agree with those who say "she'll have forgotten all about it", well my ds who is 4.10 remembers EVERYTHING like a little sponge and if this had happened between us he would definitely still be thinking about it for days after.

Only you know your daughter and if she is a sensitive soul or a drop it and carry on like a trooper soul, but either way i do think an acknowledgement that mummy was wrong is important for her to understand why she was marched off to bed. Its a good example to set to her, that you are only human and make mistakes, but that you also take responsibility for your mistakes and try to repair situations (with a sorry and a cuddle).

goodasgold · 25/03/2011 22:32

Rockinhippy I would not eat a dessert that somebody else had tried and then tried to palm off on me. I don't think that children are second class citizens, so I would not expect a child to accept this either.

Shoesytwoesy · 25/03/2011 22:33

yabu
but hey ho, who hasn't over reacted when out, just give her big hug in the morning and move on.