step daughter & keys to house

[duckduck]

AIBU..... please help... 12 year old step daughter wants keys to house because DS1 aged 11 has them who lives here all the time. She lives with her mum all the time. I don't work and am at home. She comes over every friday on the bus and I am always in. The rest of the time her dad brings her over etc.

I feel odd giving her keys to the house when I am here anyway, DD1 doesn't like the idea either. SD doesn't communicate much with me and is offish (perfectly reasonable as I am step mum and she is getting teenage).

Its causing big old stinkers of arguments. I feel like someone is taking a twig out of my nest. Am I just being territorial and nuts?

If he wont budge and you went anyway what would he do ? Where would he live ?

Im not surprised your sd daughter feels its ok to have tantrums and dictate , your H is sending out quite a message here and it sounds like shes copying.

Get some serious inheritance advice now, it's simply NOT right that your mother's house is divided up among StepDC. Anymore than his previous marital/family assets are to be shared among your DC.

I had a feeling keys were not the issue here. You, dear duckduck, are being bamboozled.

Ask yourself, is this bloke and his kids worth you handing over a cool £1 Million? cos that is what is happening here.

It may not be a popular decision, but it would be a right one. To put your mothers assets totally and utterly beyond reach of everyone, in trust for your DC and that is that.

Please look into this, no bloke walks into your life and takes your mother's legacy, your DC inheritance.

I hate seeing good people being bullied somehow and this is what they are doing..... and it's costing you THOUSANDS!

Oh my god you poor woman. You are being totally walked over here by your dh and your stepchildren. I am aghast at the splitting 6 ways and the move halted by a huffy 12 yo! You are being bullied.

You have been pounced on and given really awful advice on this thread with reg. To the key situation. You are just a very naive, kind person. I really think you need to wise up and protect yourself.

My goodness I live in a very nice part of the Home Counties and you could get something suitable here for £600,000. Not the poshest area, but the right side of town, big enough, and get kids into good schools.

Do go and talk to the CAB.

You really do need professional legal advice to ensure that your children are provided for.

You can make a will without asking your husband's permission, and without him knowing. Just make sure someone knows so it's found in the event of your untimely demise and keep the original at your solicitor's office!

So you owe £320,000 whcihi s mostly IHT on the house - you mother could have avoided that years ago had she wanted. Make sure you avoid it. IHT is a voluntary tax on the stupid really. No one needs to pay it if they plan ahead.

To pay the tax bill your husband suggests the house be put in joint names as you cannot get a mortgage to pay it off? It's not his liability. Have you called the HMRC - they have a debt department and they may well allow repayments over a longer period or couldn't you just get a job which allows you to raise a mortgage to pay the IHT bill?

Also as people say make a will and don't put the house in joint names. However if you do divorce the house is a marital asset and your husband is likely to get his share. If you weren't married that wouldn't be so if you kept it out of joint names. It doesn't matter whose names it is in now it is an asset of one of you and goes in the pot in deciding who gets what unless there is enough money to go around without needing to divided that up which is unlikely as there is nothing else. So on divorce it is unlikely to be ring fenced ni my view so it may not actaully matter whether it's in your name or joint names for tax purposes.

you can vary a will after death if all those inheriting agree and you as a family might want to do that - Princess Diana did that, lots of people do, to make things as you choose - you could put the house into the name of your children only for example and give up your share, all kinds of possibilities although that's not wise as they may just sell it and spend it once they are 18.

I think you need 2 hours with a good lawyer (not CAB) as there is a lot at that is important here.

Nothing though easily gets you over the problem of having to pay the £320k when you don't have a penny except the house.

From the HMRC website, you don't need to find all the IHT at once if you don't sell the house. Just 10% a year. Also was the house your fathers then your mothers? Because that might reduce the amount.

Get proper financial and legal advice, it could save you thousands.

I wouldn't have given the little madam the keys.

If she wanted equal treatment to your son I would just have taken his keys back. So no keys for anyone.

They're KIDS. They don't get to dictate where you live and have free access to your house.

I frankly believe the step-daughters mother is behind all this. She just wants to get into the house for some reason.

Just to add to what the others have said. I hope you make it a priority to get some legal advice - I think there's a forum here on MN, also of course try the free advice centres e.g. CAB.

After going through your recent bereavement, please sort out a will that benefits your own children.

Consider what's in your / your children's best interests. Your husband does not seem to have much respect for you, from what I've picked up (sorry).

Also even if you add your husband to the title deeds, I believe you can set a split based on what he contributes (e.g. 80/20 split or whatever.) TBH if he didn't agree with this I'd be wary of his intentions. I know you are married etc but please try to protect yourself and your children.

Although the keys have been given out now, check the situation regarding house insurance - they usually want to know if anyone who doesn't permanently live there has keys.

Also ensure your step children know that they must inform you/their dad ASAP if they lose the keys, and that there must be no identification on the keys "dad's house and here's the address".

Also I agree that capitulating to a 12yo is setting a dangerous precedent. Not least to your own children, who may feel it's the way they should behave if they want something.

Good luck.

I think she knows she can pay the IHT over 10 yaers but that's still £32k a year and she doesn't work so the only options are husband takes out a mortgage on the house but he will only agree in joint names.

"Also even if you add your husband to the title deeds, I believe you can set a split based on what he contributes (e.g. 80/20 split or whatever.) " Whilst you can specify when property is held in joint names the % ownership on divorce the courts do not care whose names things are in - they pool all assets and all liabilities and it matters not a jot in which spouse the property is. The willc ould be varied now though to place 100% or half the property value in the name of the child to avoid IHT when the poster here dies and that could keep it out of the divorce if a divorce ever happens if the death was in the last year and the others of those who inherit agree so do take advice if that would work.

Gosh, Sorry OP, but as it's all coming out this is quite a shocking situation!

As others have said, you are being badly bullied and you must protect your children, because they will be the ultimate losers here. Take this seriously.

I have heard of cases where a DW dies unexpectedly, DH remarries and then dies, and the first wife's children are thrown out of the house by the second wife and left with nothing.

It's really not up to your DH (and certainly not up to his DD) to force you to get into serious debt. You don't have to do what he says and he clearly does not have your or your DC's best interests at heart.

I would sell the house, pay off the tax and buy something lovely elsewhere that is owned in trust for your children. You must NOT split the house (or any subsequent house) 6 ways.

I think you've done the right thing in giving her a key. You've already implied she has insecurities and is a bit messed up - there may be other things going on in her life and at home that means she needs to feel like she has some sort of refuge even if she never uses it.

Early teens are a delicate age for girls and if i'd had this at her age there are many things that wouldn't have happened or I wouldn't have done.

Keep it up - she probably appreciates what you do even if she doesn't show it at the moment because of various reasons including what her mother might be saying to her. She may not even tell her about the key and for now I would give her a chance and trust her.

I am one that gave you a hard time-but having heard the full story it puts a different slant on it entirely. I think that you need some professional, legal advice.

I know that people have said that in the event of a divorce, the house would count as a marital asset, but i think there is something which ring fences an inheritance, because I think that is something he maybe can't claim in a divorce, because it would have been left to you no matter what. He hasn't contributed to enabling you to inherit, it was always going to be yours whether he was there or not.

I'm not certain, so please book the solicitor for some proper advice.

Please duck duck make a will-your dh sounds rather overbearing to me.He will not move because of one child's whim.........He insists on a 6 way split.....er No!Your dc inherit what your Mum left and his dc inherit what is his with your joint dc inheriting your joint assets.My dh paid my dc for what would have been their share of the house I had with dh1.My inheritance from my mum was passed to my 2dc.We now have only joint assets and no joint dc so we have a will with an equal 5 way split between my 2 and his 3.That house is NOT a joint asset unless he buys into it.Be careful-the key is the least of this.I am worried for you.

Thank you. I am in pieces really. Actually the Grant of Probate hasn't been finalised yet and I think there may be a way I can vary the will to leave this house to my four children in trust - though I don't know what the position is then regarding paying the tax etc.

Have just emailed my solicitor to get an appointment.

I have been trying to kind of just skim along the surface and keep head above water, house tidy, kids fed and clean - you know the stuff. I have tried to just deal with the grief. I have tried to be optimistic that my DH wants the best for us as a couple but time after time after time he will put his DC first - which I do understand so please don't witch-hunt me again - I understand, but what I don't understand is when it is on really important stuff for us as a couple that I feel ignored.

I feel railroaded and I am really scared.

I know the keys are an insignificant part of this in a way, but to me, when things had been so unstable and he had already changed his mind into not moving and therefore clearing tax etc it was just massively important to me. I feel I have tried to make this work and be fair. I know he has tried too but he is a very very hard man and is convinced he is always right.

Actually I think what a lot of you seem to have flagged up is that it is all quite a dangerous situation financially, and I cannot ignore the security of my kids so it has spurred me on to see the solicitor - thank you, I have known that it is all a bit dodgy but haven't had the strength to face it. Reading some of your stuff has put a bit of fire in my belly.

thank you x

Good luck-I am sorry I was so hard on you-I wouldn't have been had I had the whole picture.

duckduck

Good for you - I hope you feel better once you've spoken to your solicitor and find out more about your situation and the options.

You've had a difficult time so don't be hard on yourself for just dealing with the day to day issues. It's good though that you now can now deal with the fundamental issue. I suspect that you'll feel much better for knowing you are making progress there, rather than it being a constant background niggle.

Can I suggest that you go to your solicitor with a list of questions and thoughts. A lot of us have raised concerns here, with the best of intentions, but please don't be sidetracked by a few items raised here. Get the full picture from your solicitor on all options, and if you've any priorities make sure to raise them.

Also, is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Either an existing friend or family member, or perhaps some sort of counsellor or your GP? I suspect you would benefit from having someone in person to talk to, to remind you that you're doing the sensible thing here.

Good on you for getting legal advice op , it can be easier to ignore these things sometimes than face up to them. It certainly sounds as though youve been very accomadating to his needs and not having your own respected .

You shouldnt ever feel rail roaded by a partner , i hope you manage to sort things out.

oh don't worry about that - I didn't put the whole picture up initially because it is all so flipping complex, i am not moaning (well, I know I sound like I am! but I just want help, I did want a really broad opinion because when we are all just going along a day to day basis I sometimes find it hard to see clearly and not be unfair.

I do think its ok her having keys now although I don't really think it will help her - she needs someone here and a nice warm sunny house to come into - not a bus ride from the other side of London and then finding some grub in the fridge for herself. I will still make it all nice for her, but its not the point.

Anyway, I think the bigger picture needs sorting out, so will do that. Thanks

yep - have some lovely friends, but you know - friends sometimes say what you want to hear and I think I have got more differing spokes in the wheel or whatever the expression is off here than from my girlfriends. Anyway, things are so tense at home sometimes that actually when I see my mates I just want to open a bottle of wine or two and have a giggle!

I tried counselling, but DH kind of made me feel as if I was bonkers and there was a general implication that because I was having counselling it was me that had all the problems.... and it all felt a bit odd - I don't really think I need it. I do think I need a good solicitor!

thank you

I know about a bit about Inheritance Tax - I still remember the casual request by HMRC for a "small payment on account" of £35,000 before they'd sign off the Probate forms. They were quite uninterested in rehearsing the "but the bulk of the money is tied up in the property and the property can't be sold until Probate has been granted" argument either.

However, I also know that it never makes sense to find yourself in a bind over inheritance or inheritance tax and certainly, all the while you have this milestone hanging over you, it'll be impossible to make good decisions about everything else.

I'm sure that your late mother would have been horrified that her legacy had brought such unhappiness and attempts to control you so sell the house, pay the tax bill and invest the money somewhere only you can get hold of it while you take independent legal advice and perhaps consider some counselling just to get your head in a quieter and more decisive place.

There's absolutely no reason whatsoever to be dividing your own estate by six and nobody should be expecting this of you. I inherited absolutely nothing from my former MIL and why should I? My dp's estate will go to his children too. Not mine. They will inherit from me if I haven't had the good sense to spend it all first!!!

Duckduck - glad to hear that you feel inspired to seek proper legal advice, bottom line is that you a) cannot afford to risk bankrupting your family on dsd's whims; and b) you have to ensure that your children are taken care of , it doesn't sound as though your DH will.

Fwiw, I've never had a key to my dad and stepmum's house even though we visited weekly. I won't inherit VIA my stepmother's family, just as my half siblings won't inherit from my mother. The problem you have is that your mum's house is now the family home and that needs expert untangling.

Forgive me, but your H sounds pretty inconsiderate and quite controlling.

You sound like a nice caring stepmother who is trying to bend to everyone else's demands.

Glad to hear you have booked an appointment with the solicitor. Hope it all goes well for you and that they can offer some solutions for you x