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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

step daughter & keys to house

175 replies

duckduck · 23/03/2011 14:15

AIBU..... please help... 12 year old step daughter wants keys to house because DS1 aged 11 has them who lives here all the time. She lives with her mum all the time. I don't work and am at home. She comes over every friday on the bus and I am always in. The rest of the time her dad brings her over etc.

I feel odd giving her keys to the house when I am here anyway, DD1 doesn't like the idea either. SD doesn't communicate much with me and is offish (perfectly reasonable as I am step mum and she is getting teenage).

Its causing big old stinkers of arguments. I feel like someone is taking a twig out of my nest. Am I just being territorial and nuts?
Sad

OP posts:
PhillipeFlop · 23/03/2011 14:49

Yes BCO - I would still give her the key.

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 23/03/2011 14:51

solution:

get an alarm fitted, give her a key but not the alarm code, thus making SD feel included but satisfied that you will always know about any unwanted visitors IYSWIM.

ENormaSnob · 23/03/2011 14:52

I definately wouldn't give her the key.

Nor would I give my ds one if I couldn't trust him.

HampstersDontSwim · 23/03/2011 14:53

The op hasnt even said that the XW would want to come and let herself into her house.
Just because somone is an ex does not mean that they are bitter or evil!
I would have no itrest in looking round my EXs home and I doubt he would be fussed about mine.

Op sorry you have had a bad time Sad

The only way to have a nice relationship with your SDD is to aproch it with an open heart. Try not to confuse issues between your SDD and her mother.
These things do take time, but it will be so worth it in the end Smile

stream · 23/03/2011 14:55

Hampster - yes, she did. At 14.36.

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 23/03/2011 14:56

Hampster - check out 14:36 post by OP

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 23/03/2011 14:57

aaah sorry x post

HampstersDontSwim · 23/03/2011 14:58

Ok OK!
Didnt see it. Wondered why people were going on about the EXw Blush

Still think you should let her have a key though Smile

doutzen · 23/03/2011 15:06

I wouldn't be happy giving anyone a key to the house if I didn't feel 'right' with it. That includes my own DC.
There's a lot to be said for gut instinct, and if you think there's a valid reason that she shouldn't have a key, then don't give her one.
Or give her a key to the top lock but not the bottom lock?

catsmother · 23/03/2011 15:10

If the OP believes her DP's ex might enter her home (and why would anyone do that unless it was for some no-good purpose ??) then why on earth would she want to provide her with the potentials means to do so ? People I know who've suffered this kind of outrageous intrusion have had ex's persuade the children to let them in using some kind of silly excuse, or have simply taken the key from them anyway - the child has no say, and it's hard for a child to say no to their mother.

Disclaimer: of course most ex's don't behave like this, but unfortunately some are more than capable of doing so and seem obsessed about finding out every last detail of their ex's new life. Handing over a key if there's any risk is madness.

colditz · 23/03/2011 15:14

You should leave this one up to her father. I'm assuming it's his house too?

Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 15:20

Catsmother thank you for your message, it is exactly as you say.... but still, as DH says, this is his home too and therefore I should give her the keys on trust and to make her feel better.

tbh I am a bit knocked by losing mum on the same week as having dd4. I am probably over sensitive or something stupid. dsd2 is fine and happy and doesn't like her other step siblings(?) at their mum's house having keys and so understands.

maybe like the others say, it will bring dsd and I closer, but I would have thought that would be achieved by her communicating with me about when she was coming and knowing i was going to give her some supper, make sure her bed was lookning nice and not all covered in laundry....

thanks though as you get the picture! x

OP posts:
HampstersDontSwim · 23/03/2011 15:20

Bloody good point colditz

If you do give her a key, you could also point out that you are having cctv put in because of the recent spate of vandelism in the area. You could even rig a camera type thing up.
Should put the EXw off if she really is a problem.

Newbabynewmum · 23/03/2011 15:24

If you were my step mother I'd be pretty pissed off. Give her a key.

Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 15:32

I am going to give her a key, I have already said that now.

OK lets stop - I get the general view and am already pretty broken by this, is it ok if we stop.

I will give her the key when she comes over next.

Thanks

Bye....

OP posts:
catsmother · 23/03/2011 15:36

Think you've had a very hard time, and I hope your decision doesn't backfire on you.

Inertia · 23/03/2011 15:51

I think that if you seriously believe that your dh's ex will use the key to access your house then you shouldn't give dsd a key. What would happen if she accidentally left the house unlocked ? What happens if she goes through your stuff ?

If dsd only comes one weekend a fortnight, perhaps a compromise could be that she has a key but it stays at your house when dsd is not on a weekend visit. Her dad brings it when he collects her, she gets to let herself in, and she has the key while she stays with you.

Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 15:56

Thanks, but she specifically wants one that she keeps with her at all times, I tried to suggest what you have suggested Intertia.

will be easier just to keep the peace and hope ExW doesn't need to "pop in to collect the girls things" when we are away!! which she will....

I just feel uneasy. relatively new to this step parenting thing, and by the tone of most of the people on here i am a complete beeeeetch for not just handing keys out immediately!

OP posts:
colditz · 23/03/2011 15:59

Add an extra dead lock for when you go away. Don't give your SD the key to this - at 12, if you are away she shouldn't be in the house as it isn't safe, and also it means her mother can't get the key off her and go through your things, but for 'normal' use don't use the dead lock and your SD can let herself in.

4FoxAche · 23/03/2011 16:01

I wouldn't be giving out keys to people who don't need them step child or not.

Sorry but house keys are, obviously, the opening to all your personal belongings, paperwork, expensive items and no I would not be giving them to people that didn't need them.

Keys aren't toys to be shared, you can't just demand one because someone else has one.

colditz · 23/03/2011 16:02

the other child doesn't need a key either, then.

Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 16:27

other child was only given them as he said he was going to run away from his dad's house and i didn't want a 10 year old wandering the streets DS or DSD, or any child for that matter. it was an emergency measure. I suppose I shouldn't have done it.

OP posts:
tigitigi · 23/03/2011 18:11

poor kid - of course she wants a key if your DD has one - you are saying you trust your DD but not your DSD (in her mind anyway).

And your house is her home (and her Mum;s house is home as well).

Why does it matter whether your DD wants her to have one or not! If they were full sisters would you take what one thought at that age over the desires of another?

tigitigi · 23/03/2011 18:14

I meant to add (don't know what happened) sorry about your mum (its horrible I know) and congrats on your new baby.

The baby might be playing a part in DSD needing to feel a little more secure in her home and you can always deadlock when you are out.

PrincessScrumpy · 23/03/2011 18:16

Why is dd1 choosing who has keys to your house - I think she should be treated equally and if it makes her feel more a part of the family then give her one. I will just make her feel welcome and less of a guest who has to knock to come in! Really don't get why it's an argument - all she sees is her step family being treated differently. Not her fault her parents aren't together and she has two homes, but that is the point - it is her home!