step daughter & keys to house

[duckduck]

AIBU..... please help... 12 year old step daughter wants keys to house because DS1 aged 11 has them who lives here all the time. She lives with her mum all the time. I don't work and am at home. She comes over every friday on the bus and I am always in. The rest of the time her dad brings her over etc.

I feel odd giving her keys to the house when I am here anyway, DD1 doesn't like the idea either. SD doesn't communicate much with me and is offish (perfectly reasonable as I am step mum and she is getting teenage).

Its causing big old stinkers of arguments. I feel like someone is taking a twig out of my nest. Am I just being territorial and nuts?

I wouldnt give a key to a child who didnt live full time in the house .

Why , give in to a 12 year old's tamtrum ?.

Erm who are the parents here and why are they undermining each other?

the house move, all fell through costing thousands because a 12 year old changed their mind?

She wants a key to a house she doesn't live in permanently just because a SB has one... because he DOES live there and DOES need it?

What kind of entitled mini-adults are you and your DP creating here? You fear the ExW coming into your home while you're not there with a key given to her daughter who doesn't live there? Don't let it happen.

For the love of God, toughen up, put your foot down and say no. If need be hide the spare key in a safe place and remove it from the DS. There is no need to have keys given to people who do not live there permanently.

You sound as if you are bending over backwards to be popular, liked and accepted by teenager Step-DC... they are lapping this up and playing you all like violins.

I agree with LittleMissHissyFit - please do not allow yourself to be blackmailed into giving her a key.
For one thing it could potentially invalidate your house insurance if she does lose it. I am suprised you let your DS have one as well, personally I wouldn't for the exact same reason!
You can make your DSD feel at home without giving her a key there is no need for her to have one! Do you get her involved with family activities like making lunch/dinner, deciding what you are doing at the weekend? Does she have her owb room - can the two of you make her room (or space in a room if there isn't enough room to spare) more personal to her by allowing her to choose decorations etc.

I am as well that a house move that everyone but DSD agreed to was allowed to fall through - were you moving a long way a way (Can understand her reaction if you were). What were her objections?
She sounds like she is very troubled, poor thing. But I don't think giving her a key to placate her is the way to go to building a proper relationship with her.

Give her the key and you will be making a rod for your own back.

Trust me , i know

Disclaimer - I am not a step-mum. But my DD1 is 12 and I have older children.

However, I am a single parent and my DD has keys to both my house and her dad's.

What I would do in your shoes is dig your heels in and give her a key when she is at your house and insist she gives it back when she isn't there.

It's her key, hangs on the rack, known as her key etc etc but it does not go to her mum's.

Explain it to her if needs be - she's not a baby.

I have on occasion had to take DD to her Dad's to collect stuff. I sit in the car. I have no desire to set foot over his door.

She's behaving like a diva and if you don't sort this now you have buckley's of sorting her and disciplining her when she's 16.

You will have difficulty disciplining her when older, if you treat your DDs differently. She may not live with you all the time, but she is DH's DD and you have a DD-I don't see why one gets preferential treatment.
If you marry someone with DCs you get the DC too and you are a family of 4. How horrible to be seen as the visitor with your own father (and treated like one).

I'm a stepmum to a DSD and I'm afraid I would feel the same. I've jumped on here really quickly to look up other stuff and this is my first post ever. I've only looked at a few threads but I can only imagine how confused you must feel about it all by everyone's comments. It's a very touchy subject. Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone xx

"If you marry someone with DCs you get the DC too and you are a family of 4. How horrible to be seen as the visitor with your own father (and treated like one)."

Nice idea in theory... my Dad's OW wouldn't even allow him contact with us, he had to lie to her to get out to see her.

I've not been allowed to go to his house since about 98.

This is not about preferential treatment, this is about house security, safety and some DSD kicking off cos she can. The OP is positively oozing a needy, like me, like me crowd pleasing tone, and the DP clearly is allowing a misplaced feeling of guilt to do that crappy uncle dad thing of saying Yeah, sure to everything and if the Step-mum raises an eyebrow, she's to blame.

Stand firm, set DP straight, remove key from DS and put it in a safe place ONLY he knows, or better yet, is there a trusted neighbour that could have a copy?

The simple answer is take the key off the other one and just give it to her on days and times that she needs it. It is unfair to say that one is trusted and one isn't when they are step sisters.

catsmother, you said what I was thinking. I said this I think yesterday in another thread, if a woman posts about her XP or DSC/ his XP she is automatically in the wrong, neither woman could possibly be right. The only time you can be in the right is complaining about a grandmother!

Either both children need a key (and the snooping issue is easily resolved with a mortice lock) or neither do. You can't treat one child of the relationship differently, it's discrimination. How would you feel if your Dh was to take the key off your son and give it to his daughter? She's older for a start... how hurtful to not be trusted as much as a younger sibling, for no fault of your own....

colditz

Either all children of a suitable age have keys, or none of them do.

I think she should have keys she is your DH's daughter so part of the family and her brother has a key

I am glad that other people see the unfairness. It gets like all the fairy stories otherwise-Cinderella etc where the wife's DCs get the special treatment and the husbands put up with the crumbs!! If you have 2 DCs in the family they have to be treated equally. I can see that you may have qualms about the key for DSD-in which case you take it away from own DC.

If it doesn't matter if she has a key or not, because you are always there and she always comes with her dad anyway then just give her a key. It seems from your first post that she won't use it under the circumstances.

Its not very nice to leave her out. I can understand that it is your home, but it should really be treated as hers as well if it's her Fathers too. She isn't a total stranger :)

I also agree that, if you are always at home, then none of the children really need a key? From what you say about your DD agreeing with you, its almost as if she want's 'one up' on your SD - a bit of rivalry perhaps?

Hope you get it all sorted soon, anyway :)

Tbh I don't really see this about your dsd having a set of keys but rather your feelings and attitude towards her. It amazes me how anyone doesnt think through the implications of getting together with a partner who already have dcs. Your home becomes their home, it is so important that all children involved become equal, at the end if the day this is their childhood, what right does any adult have to ruin that? The key is symbolic, it will allow your dsd to feel that her dh's house is also her home, that they are equally as important as the other children who live there. Using her mother in this as an excuse (she may break into your home for a nosey?) is not her problem, just put the main lock on when you are away.

I wouldnt have a 12 year old carrying keys to my house around all the time unnecessarily , they notoriously lose things at this age and they dont need them . Id say the same whether it was my step daughter or own child , its just not worth the hassle , ive had to change my locks every time mine have lost a key , they dont know where theyve lost it or if theyve left it in a freinds house or what , and new locks arent cheap.

Would you give your own 12 year old a key to carry round every day , despite the fact she didnt actually need it ? If not , i wouldnt do it , especially if you cant trust her mum not to abuse it. Its ridiculous.

Keys arent some sort of cool accesory or something to give a child just because they want one imo. The fact is she doesnt need one and i wouldnt be giving her one , or any other youngf child who doesnt need one.

If my kid started whinging about wanting a key for her dads ( shes always picked up and dropped off ) she,d be told not to be ridiculous . She simply doesnt need one .

Id put your foot down op , or you,ll have problems in the future if you pamper to this.

Thanks, just like to clear up a few points. DSD who wants keys now has them, we gave them to her last night when DH brought her and her sister over. My DS from previous marriage was given keys by me as emergency measure as he said he was going to run away from his dad's house when he was there and having some trouble, the keys were not for general day to day use.

I have always made sure that I provide a loving home for 2 DSDs, my own DS aged 11 (previous marriage), DD aged 5(previous marriage), DS aged 2, and DD aged 1 (both this marriage).

When DS2 was 8 weeks DH volunteered to go to Afghanistan for 6 months. During that time I had his two girls here every weekend that would have been "his" and during the holidays inc Christmas eve. He was away for our first married xmas, his birthday, valentines, two kids' birthdays and whilst a load of building work was going on. I have always provided comfort and love for his girls.

His exW is still asking for mediation re their divorce. She had an affair and ended the marriage but still has issues with it. I do believe she will come in, but as so many of you say, I can sort that out by using a deadlock.

We all live in the house where I have lived since I was 6. It is a three bed house owned in title by my mum who died last year. The tax man wants 40% IHT out of it so we thought we might move - DH had said since the day we met that he wanted to move out of the area and get into the countryside. We had been both looking for houses and all the kids had been keen.

DSD changed her mind about liking the countryside - she liked the idea when 10 and 11 but she is growing up and likes having the ability to get here under her own steam. We weren't talking about moving miles away, but it would have been a train not a bus that got her here and she didn't like the idea.

DH said that because of this we should not move, that it would upset her further. For my part I was really looking forward to starting up with all the kids in our own home, not one I have always lived in and my last husband shared with us. I have a personal tax liability that would make your eyes water and instead of putting DH and us all under financial strain we had decided that to move, pay off the tax in one hit and start a new home and life together with our kids and the kids from our previous marriages would have been good for us all.

I understand that she doesn't now want to move, and he has said we have to stay. I did fight my corner, but am fully aware that if I had said that we had to go anyway that DSD could have held it against me forever. I am not pandering to her - DH and I are trying to get it right. Yes, it is causing massive problems not moving - mostly financial.

The 4 bigger kids are in 4 different schools. We have a 3.5 bed house, which is fine, but they all want their own space. We also have all the stuff that was here already. We all needed some time and space to adjust to bringing two families together.

I was not being a devisive cow by not giving her keys - I was trying to create the home that she needs and give her the security she needs by being here for her and giving her some food and stuff. She is already quite a lost soul in some ways and although giving her keys would give her the security blanket she needs - actually she needs to come home and find someone here who loves and cares for her, not an empty house. She could have keys in a while, but right now she needs even more security than that.

DS was incredibly close to his granny and in ITU with her when she died. His dad and stepmum have just had a baby and we have had one hell of a time finding a secondary school for him in the area now we are not moving.

DSD 1 and 2 are very happy and settled with their mum, although having said that her boyfriend has just moved in and they too have "visiting" step-siblings and funnily enough DSDs don't like those kids having keys to their house...

I know it is a really emotive issue and there is loads of background to our stuff - I possibly have learned one hell of a lesson by posting on mumsnet and thank you to those of you who have sent me private messages.

I am not a wicked step mother - I love our home and taking care of all the kids in it. It is not about fairness or one-up-man ship. Each child has its own psychological needs. DS1 needed keys to use if he ran away. DSD needs to know that I am here for her and she is not a latchkey kid expected to keep fending for herself.

Anyway, I felt kind of battered yesterday. DH wants her to have keys - and so she has got them and do you know what - I don't think it is going to feel like a security blanket for her - I think it is going to make her even more self reliant and slightly alienated because she will do her own thing more. I am not saying I want to wrap her in cotton wool and treat her like a baby - she is 12 - I would give her keys when I felt she was feeling more at home here, but I don't suppose many of you who aren't step mums will get that and you will continue to think I am nothing but a fecking cow.

O and O

and before you all give me a load more vitriol for me trying to make out I am oh so nice - of course I am not, of course I have been p'd off about not moving and all the sulks and tantrums she has had - but only with her dad - not in front of me. When they go off in the car it all comes tumbling out and she has a fit and bawls and everything. I have tried really hard with her.....

I was a teenogre from hell so I know what it feels like to be a 12 year old living with a step parent.

I have read first and last pages only so hope I haven't missed anything vital. I have an idea. Why not buy one of those mini key safes that go on an outside wall and have a set of keys in them? You can change the code whenever you want. It is great if you lock yourself out and means that children can get in without any risk of them losing keys by carrying them around - all they need is to know the code (if you always set it to the same number) or to text you and agree a code for that day.

If your DH's first wife really is the type to use a key to enter your house surreptitiously then you have bigger problems than a key. I bet she wouldn't dream of doing that.

I can quite see why your DSD feels hurt by you not giving her the same rights as her siblings. That would feel very hostile at her kind of age.

With a key safe, you will still feel in control as you can simply take the key out and/or change the code if it is abused.

glad you got that off your chest duckduck :)

You don't need to justify yourself to anyone on here. Some people read what they want, some people read between the lines and make up their own story and some people comment based on what mood they are in at that particular time of the day.

It's all water off a 'duckducks' back IMO

I don't envy the situation at home at all and can only wish you luck in sorting everything out in future.

Give her a key.

how very drohl Ormirian

OK. Good