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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

step daughter & keys to house

175 replies

duckduck · 23/03/2011 14:15

AIBU..... please help... 12 year old step daughter wants keys to house because DS1 aged 11 has them who lives here all the time. She lives with her mum all the time. I don't work and am at home. She comes over every friday on the bus and I am always in. The rest of the time her dad brings her over etc.

I feel odd giving her keys to the house when I am here anyway, DD1 doesn't like the idea either. SD doesn't communicate much with me and is offish (perfectly reasonable as I am step mum and she is getting teenage).

Its causing big old stinkers of arguments. I feel like someone is taking a twig out of my nest. Am I just being territorial and nuts?
Sad

OP posts:
vaginiasmonalogue · 23/03/2011 18:21

Your house, not hers. Don't give her a key if it makes you uncomfortable.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 23/03/2011 18:29

What kind of door do you have? Could you something up like a dead lock and a yale lock, she could have the yale key, to use whenever, or never i suspect. Then when you go away or something you can use the dead lock too, that way she (ex) wont be able to get in, and they will only find out you use the lock if they try to gain entry when they have no business entering!

But I can be a cow Grin

SoupDragon · 23/03/2011 18:35

"Your house, not hers. Don't give her a key if it makes you uncomfortable."

But it isn't her house. It belongs to her DH too and he wants his DD to have a key.

If you can get an extra lock and not give her that key that solves your problem.

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/03/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kosmik · 23/03/2011 18:48

Why does DS have a key to your house at age 11 if you are always there? He is a bit young to be a latch key kid IMO!

nomoreheels · 23/03/2011 18:56

I Tull agree that you should give her the Yale key only, & put on a mortise to stop an snooping when you're away. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Surely your DP can't argue she should have access when you're away, & this way your concerns about ExW are being considered? What has he said about that?

nomoreheels · 23/03/2011 18:59

Bah, stupid iPhone. Fully not Tull (WTF?) and mortice...

SecretNutellaFix · 23/03/2011 19:00

I think that you should spell out to DH exactly what will happen if the trust is abused. Then together, you sit DSD down and tell her the same.

Should ExW set one foot inside your home without you present, the key will be removed and not returned for at least 6 months.
Should DSD bunk off school and use the key to gain entry to your house, the key will be removed until she shows herself trustworthy to go to and remain in school.

I would review the same information with your DS as well and make him subject to equal restrictions.

Xenia · 23/03/2011 19:02

Yes treat them the same. In fact plenty of teenagers choose to move in with the other parent and presumably you and your other half discussed before you got involved with someone who had a child of that age.

LDNmummy · 23/03/2011 19:03

I find this really bizarre, just because she doesn't live with you full time doesn't mean she shouldn't have a key.

Your DD is a child so what has it got to do with her, sounds like you are banding together and making decisions about her step/ half sibling which should be made between you and your DH alone. That gives the impression that your DD has some superior place in your household somehow and is really nasty.

It is her fathers house I am assuming, why should she not have a key?

And as Connor said above, if you do not work and are at home, why does your DD get the privilidge of a key?

How is she sly exactly? Is it really something that at 12 could translate into further issues if you give her a key?

"I feel like someone is taking a twig out of my nest. Am I just being territorial and nuts?"

I would say yes OP, you are. You are with someone who already has children, his children are also part of the family and should feel like it.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 19:07

I don't see why she can't have one-you seem to be under the impression that you have one DC and a visitor, instead of 2 DCs. I expect she is jealous, her father is with another DC all the time and it seems that she is more equal. You are a family of 4.

Greenkit · 23/03/2011 19:08

Give her a key, just not the one to the front door. :)

mmsmum · 23/03/2011 19:09

Give the poor kid a key. How awful must she feel not being given one after asking, that's not fair. I always had a key to my Dads house and felt welcome and at home.

LaWeasel · 23/03/2011 19:17

Give her a key.

You say you're home, but you don't know what might happen.

I spent many a day/evening languishing in the front garden at my own parents house!

PollyDecker · 23/03/2011 19:22

It sounds like the OP has made her decision, and will be allowing her SD to have a key.

Thank goodness. The OP has obviously been through a lot this year - very sorry to hear about your mother. But it sounds like the OP's SD also is going through a big period of change and uncertainty at a very difficult age - quite an extensive step family (OP has just had DC4) and new half sibling too. That's difficult stuff for a 12 year old when she probably just wants reassurance from her father that he still loves her and wants her in his life.

Kids in these situation usually react because they are scared, not out of malice. That particular trait is usually left to the adults.

Kosmik · 23/03/2011 19:22

I never had my own key when I lived with my parents as there was always someone home therefore not necessary. Because I work I had to give my daughters keys to the house at the ages of 12 and 13 and they have lost them several times. Keys are expensive to replace. It is also very stressful not know where they are!
As you are always at home DSD would never need to use a key if she had one so what about giving her a key that doesn't fit your door just to keep the peace? Tell her to look after it as you cannot afford a replacement - at 12 she will have lost it before she ever finds out it doesn't fit!

exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 19:24

The more I think about it the more unfair it seems, you have 2 DCs and yet one has a key and one doesn't. (Even if you don't realise that DH came with his DD-he is in the position of having 2 DDs and only one has the key-I am surprised he thinks it fair)

exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 19:26

A 12 yr old will know!! If they can't be trusted with a key at that age take it off the other. Keep it equal.

nomoreheels · 23/03/2011 19:27

Most (but not all) of the posters advocating giving her a key don't seem to have anything to say about the worry of the exW snooping or letting herself in. Why is that? I think it's a huge & valid concern.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 19:33

It never occured to me-she isn't giving the key to exW.

SecretNutellaFix · 23/03/2011 19:35

What's to stop the ExW from removing the key from the child "just in case you lose it" ?

loftyclodflop · 23/03/2011 19:38

Don't give a key to any of the kids. If you are around then they don't need them. Whilst dsd should be treated the same as your dc, you have every right not to want her letting her mum in (do you really think she would btw?).

nomoreheels · 23/03/2011 19:38

But the OP has already said she thinks the exW will probably let herself in!

Anyhow, this is easily resolved by not giving the key to a second lock for when they're out for any length of time or away.

exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 19:40

It all seems rather paranoid to me-is it not an amicable split. Surely you could have her for trespass if you haven't given her a key and permission?

exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 19:41

If there is all this problem it is much better to take away the key from DD and only give it to her on the days when she needs it and the rest of the time OP keeps it. That way at least it is equal.

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