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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

step daughter & keys to house

175 replies

duckduck · 23/03/2011 14:15

AIBU..... please help... 12 year old step daughter wants keys to house because DS1 aged 11 has them who lives here all the time. She lives with her mum all the time. I don't work and am at home. She comes over every friday on the bus and I am always in. The rest of the time her dad brings her over etc.

I feel odd giving her keys to the house when I am here anyway, DD1 doesn't like the idea either. SD doesn't communicate much with me and is offish (perfectly reasonable as I am step mum and she is getting teenage).

Its causing big old stinkers of arguments. I feel like someone is taking a twig out of my nest. Am I just being territorial and nuts?
Sad

OP posts:
amberleaf · 23/03/2011 14:25

"If your DS needs keys with you there all the time then why can't your SD have a key?"

Exactly !

letsgetloud · 23/03/2011 14:27

So her sibling has a key to their Dad's house but she doesn't. That is very unfair.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 23/03/2011 14:27

Your DH is not 'pretending' she lives there full time by calling her Mum's house her Mum's house and your house home. He is doing his best to make the most of not having his DD all of the time. He has the right attitude quite frankly - his home is her home and always will be.

The Father/Daughter bond is very strong one.

ConnorTraceptive · 23/03/2011 14:27

A father feeling precious towards a daughter he only gets to have once a fortnight well honestly what a prick! Hmm

pranma · 23/03/2011 14:29

Why not have keys cut for your dsc and give them to them when they arrive to stay and ask them to leave them behind when they go to their mum's house.I am a sm and wouldnt have felt happy for dh's ex to have access to the house by 'borrowing' the key.

flowery · 23/03/2011 14:29

Yes you are being territorial and nuts imo - it's her home too and if the other children have a key, she should have one. Unlikely to be used very much if at all, but it's symbolic and why deny her something the other children have got for no good reason that I can see- it will only cause resentment.

HampstersDontSwim · 23/03/2011 14:29

fwiw I dont think your SDD is the sly one. Smile

Abcinthia · 23/03/2011 14:30

I think it's quite unfair the other children get a key by SD doesn't.

Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 14:31

OK, thank you. Wondered if I was just being horrid. I had dd4 this time last year on the same week mum mum died, then we got massive inheritance tax bill, all the cr.p hit the fan. we were going to move and all the kids were really excited about moving and then DSD changed her mind and kicked off so didn't want to move - so we aren't moving and are just in loads of debt and I miss my mum.

Winging old bag that I am, I just wanted to feel secure myself for a little bit I suppose, I didn't want her coming in when I wasnt here just yet, wouldn't have minded when she was a bit older. mostly actually because I wanted to be here for her - not because I was being horrid or not welcoming.

The other one has a key because he (DS not DD - I probably got my letters wrong) was threatening to walk out of his dad's home and I wanted him to come here, not wander off.

Oh well, general opinion is to give her keys, I kind of knew it, just felt odd.

Thanks

OP posts:
Abcinthia · 23/03/2011 14:31

*by should be but

I can't type today

MillyR · 23/03/2011 14:31

Is your door locked when people are in it? If she pops out for sweets or to play, does she need to knock on the door to be let back in?

FabbyChic · 23/03/2011 14:32

My son's don't have keys to their Dad's place! Why would they, should we all have to give step children keys to make them feel welcome.

What rubbish.

If she was there everyday maybe, but once a week? Whats the point.

ENormaSnob · 23/03/2011 14:33

Depends on the back story IMO

Why don't you trust her?

Fwiw I wouldn't entrust a key to someone I thought of as sly.

Do you think she would help herself when you were on holidays or give others access?

ENormaSnob · 23/03/2011 14:36

My son doesn't have a key to his dads btw.

He doesn't live there so doesn't need one IMO

lesley33 · 23/03/2011 14:36

Fabbychic Nobody is saying that all Step children automatically need keys to both parents house. But in this situation it SD has asked for a key and it sounds as if she wants a key because other children have a key (parent saying she wanted as a security blanket). In that situation IMO it is right to give her a key.

Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 14:36

and yes, she and her mum would very probably come in when we were out.

OP posts:
Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 14:38

oh and "mum mum" was a typo!! I meant my mum - sorry typing fast!

OP posts:
bemybebe · 23/03/2011 14:40

Hmm, a difficult one. All my step kids have keys to our house, but then I have fantastic relationship with them and think they will never abuse my trust (and neither will I). But please explain why must OP give a key to a young child she has not developed good relationship with? Surely it is trust and understanding first and everything else after, eh? Also, how many of you guys would be happy to give a key when it can easily end up with your dp ex-es?

hellymelly · 23/03/2011 14:40

I find it really sad that such a young girl is being labelled as "sly". She isn't 25,she is 12. Being torn between divorced parents can't be much fun.My folks are still together,but DH's cousins,who are in their 40's now,still have a lot of sadness about things similar to this that happened when they were young girls.In fact I know rather a lot of adults who feel like that. You are the adult now, you should be pushing your feelings aside and looking after her,making her feel loved and cared for and always welcome in her Father's house.

ENormaSnob · 23/03/2011 14:42

I wouldn't give her one then.

Original poster
duckduck · 23/03/2011 14:45

ok, sly was probably a bad choice of words - I mean it doesn't matter how much I try to do the right thing she takes it out on me that her mum and dad split up and it wasn't my fault, i met her dad 2 years after her mum got a new boyfriend and they divorced. I don't know - I can see I am being unreasonable, I just feel a little unsettled by everything.

Will give her keys and get on with it.

Thanks

OP posts:
BigChiefOrganiser · 23/03/2011 14:46

In the case of your last comment OP, she shouldn't have one. You don't want to be worrying about who is in your home when you're not there.

There is NO WAY that DHs xW will ever set foot in my home, especially if I'm not in it!

wonkeydonkies · 23/03/2011 14:47

awww poor kid

give her a key ffs

catsmother · 23/03/2011 14:47

I always feel bemused by threads like this because so many of the responses are predictably anti-stepmum with cries of "unfair" etc. I'm NOT saying that these are borne out of any sort of malice but I do think this illustrates that unless you have been in a very contentious "step" situation it's hard for people to imagine the difficulties giving out house keys can bring ..... it isn't always as simple as being "unfair" when comparing a child who lives there full time vs another who doesn't.

I know full well - because of several past incidents -that there'd be a significant risk of a key being abused. Not necessarily by the step children, but by their mother .... say, for example, if we went away. Due to the high incidence of - shall we say - encouraged spying (private documents being rifled through, reported back, and then used in a tirade just 20 mins after dropping skids home - over and over, photos taken "to order", accusations of our supposed wealth - ha ha - because various inventories have been made and fed back, how dare we have xxx DVDs for example etc etc) I simply wouldn't trust DP's ex not to enter our home and have a good nosey round, and I would also be worried about the risk of stuff mysteriously disappearing or getting broken (based on her record of being spiteful whenever she can).

I appreciate that this kind of thing will be difficult for some of you to imagine and years ago I would have thought it far fetched too. But it can happen, and when you're dealing (and have dealt for years) with a very unreasonable and bitter ex (and kids too sometimes it has to be said) you don't want to make it any easier for someone to cause trouble. I know other women who have experienced exactly these sorts of problems after a key was given to a non resident child. Your home is supposed to be a sanctuary, somewhere to feel relaxed in after all and no-one would ever give a key out if it enabled a stranger to enter your home uninvited.

I can't speak for Duckduck but perhaps she too has these sorts of concerns which, IMO, override the idea of fairness.

BigChiefOrganiser · 23/03/2011 14:48

xpost, but just reiterated by this "she takes it out on me that her mum and dad split up and it wasn't my fault" really. Really, others would want to entrust her with a key?