step daughter & keys to house

[duckduck]

AIBU..... please help... 12 year old step daughter wants keys to house because DS1 aged 11 has them who lives here all the time. She lives with her mum all the time. I don't work and am at home. She comes over every friday on the bus and I am always in. The rest of the time her dad brings her over etc.

I feel odd giving her keys to the house when I am here anyway, DD1 doesn't like the idea either. SD doesn't communicate much with me and is offish (perfectly reasonable as I am step mum and she is getting teenage).

Its causing big old stinkers of arguments. I feel like someone is taking a twig out of my nest. Am I just being territorial and nuts?

droll?

i have given her a key...

Ormirian - i thought you were being sarcastic - with the give her a key comment after her mahoosive post.... oops :)

and when her mum comes in and takes stuff, I shall simply turn a blind eye :-)

I don't think you are being a cow at all. I think you've done the right thing in giving your DSD keys and as long as you remember to use the dead lock when you are away, I think you don't need to worry too much about the EX. She will not be able to get in.

Where I think you are going wrong, is in letting your DSD have so much influence over decisions such as where to live. You personally have this huge tax bill, not DSD, not DH and I think you need to sell the house, clear the debt and free yourself of some of this huge amount of stress that you are living under.

I think your DH is actually being quite thoughtless towards you here. Why does he get final say and you don't? I think it was wrong for him to volunteer to go away and leave you with everything to do. I think that he is wrong to allow his daughter to dictate where you live.

I think you need to remind your DH that you are his wife and decisions like this are not something that can be decided by him and his child. It makes sense for you to move, so i think that's what you ought to do.

I just wanted to say, duckduck, that I think you have been given a very hard time here by posters who seem to have a bit of a chip on their shoulder.

Your last post comes across as very sincere and caring and I wish you all the best for what seems quite a complicated situation.

Please, please do get a deadbolt to stop the ExW from coming in though, if you really do think she will do that. She has absolutely no right to be there.

Not sarcastic. just brief

I hadn't read the OPs last post but did respond to that afterwards.

I think she has been very fair.

ExW will come in. When this first started and the girls moved here I invited her round to show her their room and that the house is nice and not an S&M den or anything - that I had decorated for them and got them nice stuff and their names on their bedroom door and stuff.... she walked round teh house reminiscing about DH saying "ooooh we bought this in a market in whereever when we were so in love" and all this kind of crap. He hasn't got many pics of them from when they were babies and I bet your bottom dollar she will take them.

ho hum

Thank you for the support that some of you are writing, very cool. I am not meaning to be a foul demon homewrecking superbitch, but this is one hell of a time going on here. and I don;t expect everyone to be nice either - thats why I came on mumsnet for some help instead of asking mates who know the situation - at least I get a broad perspective, even if some of you are horrible!!! x

I'd give her a key.

If the key gets abused then take it away/change the locks.

thank you karmab... I can't tell you how many times I have tried to talk this through with him. but..... he will not budge and I cannot sell up and go with my 4DKs without him, life is tangled enough! I want it to work, but feel totally overpowered by the situation. also, I am not working any more as there is more than enough housework to do, so if we stay here - which he says we have to, then he has to pay the IHT by raising a wonking great mortgage... i can't pay it! If I say we are going regardless then I think he will just get himself a bachelor pad near his girls to be near them and come and see me when he is free and that would feel a bit rubbish too.

Walked into noose! should have kept legs crossed! he he he

I can see you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Have you had some legal advice regarding the tax bill. I thought IHT only had to be paid if the house was worth more than a certain amount. Could be talking total shit, but maybe something can be done. Maybe the value has gone down in recent times.

If your DH can't get a mortgage (and if it is your house legally rather than his, he might not be able to) then you would be forced to sell to pay the tax bill anyway. So it might not be up to DH in the end.

I'd be vary wary of committing yourself to more debt. The mortgage company might want the house to be in joint names before they'll give a mortgage, in which case you will be giving up half your assets for a man who is reluctant to consider your first. As, i say, i may be talking total bollocks, but I think this is worth asking in the legal topic.

How much is your house worth? How much is the IHT bill?

no, you are totally right. my mum bought this house in a london suburb for £30k in 1976..... its worth a whole shed load more than that too but was in her name when she died unexpectedly. so tax is massive.

am spooked by whole thing too, as you can understand. actually it hadn't occured to me that it will have to go in joint names for him to get mortgage to pay off tax. Yes, we can pay in installments, but its around £20k or so a year for 10 years.

anyway, if I call the shots and move then I reckon the marriage won't survive - probably easier just to take my chances, give DSDs keys, not worry about ExW, the tax man or anything else - am too nucking fackered to keep fighting my corner!

Anyway, she has keys, he got his way over house move, DS got into an ok school, baby better, and house now chaos because haven't done the washing cos I spent two days venting spleen on mumsnet!

Thx x

well the whole caboodle that I owe on mum's stuff - this house and some of her bits is £320k. So that is more like £32k a year but I am selling her stuff to pay as much as I can. There is no liquid money other than what i get for selling her things. I would liked to have move to have not lived in debt with the kids.

she bought this house in this area when it was really scummy, now it is all posh and lots of posh people have bought here and it has skyrocketed since the 70's when i grew up here.

so yes, I am sure I will get loads of shit for being a spoilt brat or something and getting an inheritance, but actually, i have just got a massive debt and what i really want is my mum and the kids gran to be around and not to be in this sodding mess with stuff like the keys issue just when I have got so much other crap on my plate...

oh well, Must get off this and do the washing or everyone will be trouserless tomorrow.

thx xxxxx

duckduck I know you are not upto fighting about this at the moment, but please don't be hasty and give away your assets just for a quiet life. If you are thinking that the marriage won't survive unless you give in all the time, then that is not good. You need to hold onto what is yours, for your children.

If you have to put the house in joint names, then that means that one day your step children will inherit your assets as well as your children. In some circumstances I'd say that is fair enough, but this is your mums house, and nothing to do with your DH. He will only be paying the tax on it, because his DD doesn't want to move. She doesn't even live there full time.

Again this would be less of a problem if you and your DH sounded rock solid. But you don't.

I really, truly believe that you need independent legal advice, so you are sure of all the implications before you do anything.

I agree with Karma , i dont think any child should be able to dictate where the family lives , it sounds like shes had too much influence over adult decisions.

I know and I have had this out with him time after time, its got me down really. And yes, he has already said that this will have to be split 6 ways....

will get legal advice but will have to start with CAB as am personally pretty skint and I can't imagine DH would agree to me running up some legal bill getting advice to protect myself and nippers if we do eventually split.

bum isn't it.

Thanks x

and yes, Dignified, I agree - and have fought my corner over it and been as blunt as can be and tried every different tactic to get him to understand, but he will not move on it - he doesn't want to cause her more upset and she had a big old tantrum when it last came up.

dunno.

x

Split 6 ways ? !!!

Hes got a bit of a nerve hasnt he , he doesnt get to say whats going to happen to your mums house or anything else . Sounds like hes on a good deal to me , especially the bit about him going away for 6 months. I really would get some legal advise to protect yourself financially , it sounds like you often dont get a say about stuff and thats not on.

Look I know I'm being a nosey sod but I can't help it (and I did stick up for you and say none of the kids should have a key)

Did your mum own two houses and let you live in one? If you're paying £320k in IHT then her estate would have been worth about £1million (or is my maths completely out as usual?). Were you your mum's sole beneficiary? If so then could you sell the house and buy somewhere cheaper?

So basically, he insists on staying and for the privilege of him paying the tax bill (which you could clear yourself by selling) , he also gets to share out your house with his kids.

Honestly duckduck, the more you say, the worse it sounds. He sounds like a leech and you have no power in your own home or relationship. You are being held to ransom by a 12 year old child, but she is the least of your problems. Your husband is walking all over you.

I think you need to do what is best for you and your children and if he leaves you because you haven't given him all his own way, then he would have left you sooner or later anyway and he is not worth trying to hang on to.

I know it is easy for me to say this, because it is not my life, but i can honestly not see this ending well for you if he continues to get everything he demands (at your expense). A man who can behave like this does not have your best interests close to his heart. I'm sorry, i really am

random italics. sorry

OP - please make a will to protect your children's interests.

no, your maths is right, and yes we could, but we cannot afford to pay the tax and buy something in the same area - hence wanting to move out of london but not so far that DSDs couldn't get to us. Everything round here is stupid money now compared to what it was and 600k barely buys a three bed flat - let alone somewhere big enough for 2 grown ups and 6 kids...

and yes, it sounds like I am on the pigs back, and it would have been in a way if we had been able to sell up, pay the tax and buy something else, but DH won't budge now because of DSD's reaction.... which isn't, before someone says it, why I was being a "cow" over the keys!

The will is a good point. If you died now, your DH would inherit the lot, and your children from the first marriage would get nothing.