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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry 16yr old step --slut-- daughter is pg when i cant?

339 replies

monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 09:00

Pretty sure I am being unreasonable, but desperately need to vent. My dp is 15 years my senior and had two children (teens....ack) from a previous marriage. We have 1 ds who has just turned 2 and are trying for our second. Have been trying for about 6 months so far. I feel like my life is on hold. There is nothing I want more than to be pregnant again.
Oops, sidetracked. Sorry. So a few weeks ago, his 16 yr old daughter announces she is due at the end of effing August. To a boy she had been dating for a month prior to conception.
She is still smoking, planning on getting herself a nice little council house and lots of juicy benefits, just like her mother. She is not sad or ashamed about any of this.
But now any children I have will be younger than their niece/nephew. I am furious. I don't want to be a Jeremy Kyle statistic. I would rather she wasn't either. I don't want her in my house anymore. I know so much of this is jealousy, she is and I seem currently unable. She has that which I so desperately want.
What would you all do? Should I just get over myself? What would you lot all do?

OP posts:
MillyR · 22/03/2011 10:49

Is it really that common for grandparents to not give various gifts for their grandchild? We were given a cot by one set of grandparents and the pushchair by the other. We were also got given lots of clothes, the car seat, toys and so on by various other family members.

As grandparents you are presumably going to have buy some baby gifts, so would it not be more sensible to reuse some of them stuff you already have? If she is having the baby in August you are not going to need the newborn clothes, 3 month clothes, moses basket and so on at the same time as you.

Of course people can't expect things in life, but people do generally share baby items around families and friends.

Vallhala · 22/03/2011 10:51

You've almost forgotten she existed until today? That doesn't unduly concern me... but the thought that it's possible that your husband has almost forgotten her existence does.

slightlymad72 · 22/03/2011 10:52

I can see why the step daughter is acting the way she is to the OP, I doubt the feelings that the OP is showing haven't raised there heads prior to the PG announcement. If this child has picked up on the nastiness OP is showing would you expect her to react in any other way.
It is not just the OP that has offensive and derogatory terms but every post the OP has posted since, She doesn't like her step daughter and hasn't for some time, the pregnancy is just another reason to dislike her.

Bucharest · 22/03/2011 10:58

Okaaaaaay.

You retracted the slut comment.

But this is all locking the stable door a bit isn't it?

You met a bloke, he had children who were too old for you to ever be a mother figure to. Therein lies the issue. You are jealous of her, you admit to it. Can't you see how topsy-turvy that is?

Step-families are bloody hard work. You should have thought about the eventualities a long time ago. They are his kids and they will have problems that they will come to him with. If you weren't prepared to accept that, you should never have got involved.

(and I speak as a step-daughter who was always treated far better than she probably deserved to be, but who knows I could never do it myself, not even to an icky-biddy-baby, let alone a stroppy 16 yr old and a 19 yr old with his own issues. I just don't like other people's children enough to even contemplate it. I am full of admiration for the wonderful people who do, but I'm not one of them. And nor, OP are you.)

thumbwitch · 22/03/2011 10:58

OP - you're not helping yourself here.
OK, so you haven't really seen this girl for 2 years, then she rocks up on your doorstep and demands stuff from your for her baby, then tells you to fuck yourself when you say no.
I can see why you'd hope she doesn't do that again but you can't really "try and forget her" again. Nor should you wish to.

However - I really can't get on board with all the posters here who seem to think that you owe this girl anything - you don't. Her father does of course - and she perhaps should have asked him for money/a present/contribution to her baby's welfare (although if she's smoking through her pg she's not that bothered about it, is she?)

any ideas why she preferred to ask you instead of him?

Original poster
monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 11:00

My dss is amazing. "always bugging us" was tongue in cheek. He makes me laugh and is very pleasant to be around.

dsd, does not want a child, she wants a flat. I am nice to her face. I will not agree with nor condone her behaviour and will not pretend I do by offering her things. I do however, have an isa in her name which I will hand over to her when she treats me like a human. She does not want help or advice from us, only possessions and money.

I hold my hands up, I phrased my op crassly and deserved everything I got. But there are people here making up facts. Stop it. I wanted and apologised and moved on and nobody was hurt. All you are doing is jumping on my rotting carcass to hurl your 2 cents at me.

Regards to the 6 months ttc. I was told I was infertile when younger, then ds happened and it feels like a cruel joke. Shouldn't get too upset though. I can always adopt.

OP posts:
GeekCool · 22/03/2011 11:03

How many teenagers actually want help and advice? Realistically?
'I am nice to her face'. Are you sure? I'm not saying the DSD is all innocent and misunderstood, but do you not think you've potentially been projecting your distaste/dislike of her for quite a while?

FreudianSlippery · 22/03/2011 11:04

Hey OP, tricky situation here certainly, and awful for you as you are struggling with TTC.

But y'know what? How about embracing her instead. She must be terrified really, no? How about using your recent experience of motherhood to guide DSD into becoming a confident and happy mum?

Bucharest · 22/03/2011 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 11:07

Why can't you lend her your baby stuff and get it back when you need it?

She is due August, even if you fell pregnant tomorrow you wouldn't be due until end of year/early next year. She could get use out of the steriliser, bouncy chair, car seat etc etc in the meantime

And it's not just your DS, it's her brother

Clytaemnestra · 22/03/2011 11:08

"Your husband I imagine would be too old to adopt btw."

Sorry, was that just designed to give the OP a quick kick in the teeth? If she was relying on adoption as an option, to just tell her "haha you can't have that either". Nice.

OP, I'm sympathetic to your situation. Teenagers can be truly unpleasant, and venting here rather than telling her to fuck off to her face is by far the better option.

Proud2bFeminine · 22/03/2011 11:09

Give the poor woman a break...the OP was crass but she's retracted it and moved on...I suggest everyone does the same.

Bucharest · 22/03/2011 11:10

Yes, it probably was.

Takes one to know one.

msshapelybottom · 22/03/2011 11:12

monster, I can't imagine how hard it must be to try and forge a relationship with step children who are already teenagers, and I'm not suggesting for a moment that you owe dsd anything, but can you not find any compassion for her at all?

This could be a chance to mend bridges and start again....but you have to be the bigger person and that involves more than just being nice to her face.

Curiousmama · 22/03/2011 11:12

Has OP said how old her dh is? He could be in his 40s?

MillyR · 22/03/2011 11:15

I really don't get this concept that she is having to go around to the grandparent's house to ask for things. Why have they not offered to buy anything for the baby?

I cannot believe it is that normal for the extended family not to be having discussions with the mother over who is going to buy what as a gift.

Is that not the experience of people on MN? Were you not bought various baby items by your family? I know British people don't go in for baby showers, but surely the family do usually buy a range of gifts.

thumbwitch · 22/03/2011 11:15

Frankly I wouldn't lend a teen (or older) with Attitude like this girl any baby stuff if I was hoping to have another baby myself and use it again! Chances of any of it coming back in usable condition, if at all = next to none.

Bogeyface · 22/03/2011 11:16

Bucharest

That post was just bitchy and nasty and designed to wound. How on earth can you pontificate on the OPs reaction to a difficult situation and then say something like that?! That was far far worse than anything the OP has said, I am absolutely disgusted.

Bogeyface · 22/03/2011 11:17

Milly, I get the impression that they have only just found out, and not from the girl but from another family member. There hasnt been any discussion because the girl hasnt been there. The only contact I can see that there has been was the girl going round after her father had left for the day, demanding the things.

Panda1234 · 22/03/2011 11:21

OP, I know how it feels to be upset about infertility. But it's been SIX MONTHS! That's hardly any time, and doctors are often wrong about fertility problems, as you've already proved.

Look, when the dust settled with your SD, why don't you focus on yourself and go down to the doctor and have a chat with them and see if there's any treatments you can be put on? Often they won't do anything until you've been ttc for a year, but doing something might make you feel better, although it can be scary to ask for help.

Adoption can be great and obviously no-one on this forum knows what the fertility problem you've been diagnosed with is. Sometimes you also have to pay for treatment if you have one child already. But it seems unlikely that if you've had one child then there will be nothing else that can be done medically to help you concieve another. If the six months of ttc is worrying you, why not go and speak to your GP? It might help you to know your options.

ZZZenAgain · 22/03/2011 11:21

they didn't offer her baby things as I understood it because they did not know she was pregnant till she turned up yesterday. And her father apparently is still in the dark

ongakgak · 22/03/2011 11:23

This girl is going to be in your lives for a very long time and you are in a position to help her raise her baby. You should see this as an opportunity.

You need to talk to your DH and keep him fully in the picture.

I think you should lend afew baby items, she needs them, you do not at this stage. You could go with her to NCT sales, help her.

Start building bridges, it is never too late.

ZZZenAgain · 22/03/2011 11:25

just curious where does this girl live atm? Is she with her mother or living with the boyfriend?

beijingaling · 22/03/2011 11:33

I agree with thumb. Actually I wouldn't lend our important baby stuff to anyone but I would help out with purchasing their own basics (cot, nappies, etc).

Good luck OP, you're all going to need it.

Original poster
monstersplatter · 22/03/2011 11:36

She won't tell me where she lives. This has happened this morning. We found out about 2 weeks ago from my mil. We tried to call her and in the end resorted to texting her.

I will not give her anything until she deserves it. I will not condone such awful behaviour. I would be happy to buy her things, I love shopping.

She will get none of the things I have saved especially for dc2 because she will sell them when done. Screw the fact that these things cost money. They were saved for sentimental reasons.

I came here to rant and clear my head. Yes, I wanted to be taken down a peg or 12 but I also wanted some help. Those of you who have given me that, its more than I deserve according to the popular consensus. But thank you. Not to sound cruel or ungrateful, selfish, whatever I'm going to get called next but I'm stepping away from this now.

OP posts:
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