Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to think you cant withold sex and expect your OH to stay faithful?

146 replies

Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:47

In a situation where one partner decides that they dont want to have sex anymore, but wants to stay in the relationship, can they expect the other partner to stay faithful?

I feel that if one partner removes the other partners sex life with no agreement from them, then surely its a bit U to expect them to go without sex for the rest of their lives? Wouldnt it be better all round for the sexless partner to finish the relationship and allow the other partner to find someone else, instead of putting them under pressure to stay and basically put up with it?

This is not including situations where one partner has a medical or psychological condition where they are unable to have sex. But when one partner just decides that there will be no more sex in that relationship with no discussion or consideration for the other partner.

Can they really complain if the other partner strays?

OP posts:

Bassett22 · 21/03/2011 12:51

KnittedBreast - thank you for proving my point (Mon 21-Mar-11 12:37:55)

Cat98 · 21/03/2011 12:52

"But the "non-sexual" partner must surely understand they were partly responsible?"

No, I don't agree with this. If everyone is open and honest, I could not agree with this.

Cat98 · 21/03/2011 12:52

Will be back to this later I think!

LDNmummy · 21/03/2011 12:53

People are talking as if leaving a relationship is as simple as saying it. It is the complexitites of leaving a relationship, especially where kids are involved that keep some people in them even though they are unhappy. Sometimes they are manipulated or emotionally blackmailed into staying. Some people also use sex as a weapon, and that can be very emotionally and psychologically abusive. Sometimes people's self esteem is so worn down that they feel thay can't leave for instance.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 21/03/2011 12:54

Whoever said it was simple, or easy? But then neither is cheating. Neither is marriage. Its all complex, its all hard.

LDNmummy · 21/03/2011 12:58

Winter quite a few people have said that if the person is unhappy with the lack of sex, then they should leave instead of cheating, I am highlighting that is is not as simple as that.

Of course wherever possible a person should leave before cheating, but it is not always possible.

KnittedBreast · 21/03/2011 12:59

sex and intimacy are experienced differently by different people. you can still have intimacy and closeness without sex. something i strongly believe.

How else do so many ASexual people manage to have happy fufilled relationships with a non asexual partner? and the partner be happy too?

Bassett22 · 21/03/2011 13:02

Cat - really? You can't ever see this? Not just in a theoretical version of your life, but in anyone's?

Not doing something which (let's be honest, in a large percentage of cases) is what you spent an awful lot of time doing in your early years, which provided a bond and emotional attachment (and yes, fun!) - just cutting it out entirely, irrespective of your partner's feelings?

At the very least, does it even count as cheating if one party doesn't do it anymore (ever)? If that's something the one party has zero interest in, has decided to close themselves entirely off from, then (irrespective of whether they are married or not) they are no longer sexual partners, surely?

msshapelybottom · 21/03/2011 13:09

I think I'm unable to look at this objectively because of my own experience but I will say this:

There were other issues in my relationship, but the control of my sex life was the thing which hurt the most, has had the most lasting damage. I still feel wanting, as if I have a deep flaw which made me undesirable to the man I loved.

To go back to the original OP, why should the partner being refused sex be the one to leave? Would it not be kinder for the sexless person to leave the relationship? Mind you, they are the ones holding all the cards really aren't they?

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 13:11

Are you the OW by any chance, OP?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 21/03/2011 13:12

I was one of the, I didn't say it was easy to up and leave, but it really is as simple as that. Cheating is not acceptable, IMO.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 13:14

:o Absolutely not! Although I can see why you might think that, but no, just disagreeing with the wife in this situation and interested to see what the consensus is.

I find it interesting that people who say that there is no excuse for cheating etc, dont say that they have ever experienced this kind of situation. It may well be one of those things that you dont get until you have been there.

OP posts:

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 21/03/2011 13:16

Glad to hear it

I am inclined to agree, in that if one partner does not want sex for an extended period of time, then I can understand the other partner wanting to stray. I know I would and sex is not even that important to me.

msshapelybottom · 21/03/2011 13:16

oh bugger, I edited out a complete sentence

To go back to the OP, I think withholding sex without question is as bad for a marriage as cheating, I really do.

changingnamefornow · 21/03/2011 13:19

Well yes Alibaba I did - although I kind of parked that to one side in the beginning as can happen sometimes when you think everything else is going really well.

changingnamefornow · 21/03/2011 13:24

How it is for me now feels quite compartmentalised. It's as if my DH was what I needed in those days but that was a different phase of my life. My desires in a partner now are a lot less about 'providing' and 'stability' and what turns me on is more like fun, spontineity and a fit body. Harsh as it sounds.

pjmama · 21/03/2011 13:42

Bogey - I am there and I don't think cheating is right either.

carmenelectra · 21/03/2011 13:58

Haven't read all of the thread yet, but I Would considerthis very odd behaviour.

It is absolutely not reasonable to use tool as a weapon and withold it and expect the other person to be ok!

If A partner did this to me I would absolutely do my upmost to resolve it and find out what the hell was going on asto why they didnt want to be intimate with me anymore. Then I think I would have to take stock and think well if someone cares so little for me then why stay around.

Depending on how strongly I felt and what my partner had decided then it would be a case of telling him that I would absolutely not be leading a life of celibacy, so I would be getting it elewhere, or more likley, I would be buggering off.

This would have to be an extreme set of circumstances that to be honest I really find hard to comprehend.

carmenelectra · 21/03/2011 14:00

Sorry not to use tool as a weapon, but sex. LOL

carmenelectra · 21/03/2011 15:30

oH and its very different to those for who no sex is a temporary thing.

Wouldn't expect someone to cheat under those circumstances, or cheat/leave myself. So long as you are both talking and you know it isn't forever.

There is something so incredibly spiteful about saying that do not want sex ever again, will npt compromise, but expect the other party to remain faithful. I dont think I could say I loved someone who would deliberately do that to me.

Bassett22 · 21/03/2011 15:41

Agree carmen - temporary blip is completely different, as is the situation where both are communicating. Without those things, what can the OH do?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread