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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you cant withold sex and expect your OH to stay faithful?

146 replies

Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:47

In a situation where one partner decides that they dont want to have sex anymore, but wants to stay in the relationship, can they expect the other partner to stay faithful?

I feel that if one partner removes the other partners sex life with no agreement from them, then surely its a bit U to expect them to go without sex for the rest of their lives? Wouldnt it be better all round for the sexless partner to finish the relationship and allow the other partner to find someone else, instead of putting them under pressure to stay and basically put up with it?

This is not including situations where one partner has a medical or psychological condition where they are unable to have sex. But when one partner just decides that there will be no more sex in that relationship with no discussion or consideration for the other partner.

Can they really complain if the other partner strays?

OP posts:

msshapelybottom · 21/03/2011 10:08

oops. meant to add, YANBU. The person withholding sex is cheating (for want of a better term) on the marriage vows anyway so if the partner strayed it's fair game.

Better just to end things though.

nikki1978 · 21/03/2011 10:12

My best friend has been with her DP for 7 years and after their DD was born 5.5 years ago they have barely had sex at all. This is mainly because he 'can't be bothered'. I feel very sad for my friend to be honest - she doesn't leave because she doesn't want to break up their family (they now have 2 DDs - they had sex a couple of times to try and conceive the second then stopped again). He does masturbate a fair bit though - she has caught him and was very sexual before they got together so god knows what changed.

Every now and then he kind of grabs her - not in a very romantic way by the sound of it and then often gives up within minutes because he can't be arsed.

I do wish she would leave as she deserves to be with someone who fancies her but her children are her life so she stays.

It is not always women refusing sex.

To me I would be devastated if DH stopped wanting sex with me. Not just because of the lack of sex but because desire is such an important part of the relationship to me. I understand that affection can stil continue but the reasons he didn't want sex itself anymore would be the problem (unless it was something medical of course).

I don't think it is ok to cheat if one party stops wanting sex but to withhold it without explanation is unfair yet it seems women doing this is ok to some people - nto sure how they would react if it were the other way around tbh.

BertieBotts · 21/03/2011 10:16

Do marriage vows really state that you must make sex constantly available??

DepartmentOfCountingTheMoon · 21/03/2011 10:18

A good friend of mine is married with children but is no longer interested in sex. She really does seem to look at it as she's had her kids so she doesn't need to bother with all that any more.

Her husband is left with the choice of either never having sex again or leaving her and ending up as an every-other-weekend dad to his children. I don't think he's the kind of guy who would ever have an affair, I really don't.

It's a really tough situation. On the one hand, she absolutely shouldn't have sex just because he wants it and regardless of her feelings. On the other, he's faced with the choice between possibly having sex or seeing his kids every day.

Bassett22 · 21/03/2011 10:22

jessicadrew

Not sure it's that scheming - just sounds like she doesn't give a s7it.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 10:36

DOCTM, sounds like the exact same situation.

It is a horrible thing to do to someone when they have no choice and the witholding partner refuses to address the situation with counselling etc.

Bertie, I believe the line in the CofE service is "I promise.......to worship you with my body", so it is expected to be part of a healthy marriage. We are not talking about conjugal rights or anything.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2011 10:37

"The person withholding sex is cheating (for want of a better term) on the marriage vows anyway so if the partner strayed it's fair game. "

No it's not!

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 21/03/2011 10:38

er, no! pretty liberal interpretation there. Its never fair game.

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2011 10:38

can't believe some of the views on here - is this mumsnet or howtosnagandkeepyourman.com?

Original poster

Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 10:39

I think the point there is that the one partner has already broken the marriage vows so can the really complain if the other partner then does the same?

Not saying that two wrongs make a right, just thinking that you cant have it all ways (as the woman in my OP wants)

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2011 10:41

so based on that, if she cheats is he OK to slap her about a bit?
I don't think refusin sex permanently (and doing nothing to address the problem) is OK, but the answer is for the other person to leave, not cheat

midori1999 · 21/03/2011 10:46

I think no sex over a prolonged period of time without any reason except one partner doesn't want to is a reason to leave a marriage or relationship, but it's not a reason to be unfaithful at all.

My DH's ex wife withheld sex for years, although he said she'd sometimes have sex around payday. She's also left him with a lot of hang ups as she constantly told him he was filthy and a 'pervert' because he wanted sex with her. He would never have been unfaithful to her in a million years, because he loved her and wanted to be with her. He wouldn't have left her either. She did eventually leave him though, once she had made sure she would be financially secure, so in their case the no sex was obviously a symptom of not wanting to be together. I'm not sure if he'd feel differently about it all if the marriage hadn't ended, but it has all done a huge amount of damage to him.

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 10:49

sort of agree with you polar bear, "to have and to hold" are sort of the sex terms in the wedding vows.
to suddenly declare we won't be doing that again with discussion could be "unreasonable behavior" in divorce language. ready for backlash

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 21/03/2011 10:49

Who says no sex is breaking any marriage vows? thats a matter of opinion, whereas sleeping with someone else i matter of fact cheating.

Bassett22 · 21/03/2011 10:52

stealth

Disagree - if this happened to me I don't think I could leave my children, and explain to them when they were older "oh, it was because I wasn't getting laid".

But it's still (in most relationships) a vital part of the intimacy between those two people.

feeblephoebe · 21/03/2011 10:52

sometimes its not about sex though is it, if you feel unloved and unwanted, its easy to have your head turned by someone who wants to take an interest in you. Life isnt always black and white

male or female

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 21/03/2011 10:57

the thing is the OP says its sex that friend doesnt want. This doesnt stop you holding hand, kissing, touching and hugging does it?
Sex is near the bottom of my list of important things in my marriage, and trust and inatmacty is well up the top.

bronze · 21/03/2011 10:58

How many people just decide they don't want sex though?
Isn't the main reason something else.
Loss of confidence, exhaustion, loss of libido so many reasons. Srely if you want sex and your partner didn't you look to find the root cause and sort that out. It's part of being married
as winter says "Who says no sex is breaking any marriage vows? thats a matter of opinion, whereas sleeping with someone else i matter of fact cheating."

PfftTheMagicDragon · 21/03/2011 10:58

I cannot believe all the YANBUs here!

Withholding sex is not fair, but this doesn't make infidelity fair!

If you want to fuck around, at least have the decency to end your marriage first, or draw up new rules that you are both happy with.

I suspect that no-one on this thread saying the OP is being reasonable has ever actually been cheated on by your spouse.

BOGEY - you talk about breaking vows, but marriage is more than a fucking contract. We aren't talking about a rental contract, we are talking about people. Clearly, if there hasn't been sex for years and one person is unhappy with that, the situation needs dealing with. It's not good. But the answer to that isn't to go out and fuck someone else

Saltatrix · 21/03/2011 10:58

In my opinion it's just as wrong to decide without discussion that there will be no more sex as it is to constantly pressure your partner for more sex than they like without compromise.

Sex is part of a relationship and if one half is thinking only of themselves (either way) it will eventually lead to the breakdown of the relationship or one of them straying.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 11:01

I didnt say I agreed pfft, just asking the question!

for the record, they were never a particularly demonstrative couple even when they were first together. If you didnt know they were together, you wouldnt know they were together iykwim. But obviously thats only their public side, who knows what they are like in private? I only know what ihave been told.

OP posts:

Narketta · 21/03/2011 11:02

Having the DC killed our once very active sex life, We have sex very infrequently because I just don't want to do it.

I feel guilty because DH wants more, I've even spoken to my GP about it because I don't like being this way.

I have said to DH that I fear he will leave me one day because i'm not meeting his needs but he always says that he loves me and he won't leave me, we are very close in other ways, we talk and are always laughing and love a cuddle but it worries me that its not enough:(

I would be gutted if he left me because I love him very much and I seriously hope that our relationship is based on more than sex.

Saltatrix · 21/03/2011 11:25

Narketta your situation is a bit different both of you are aware of the difficulties relating to time/children and both of you are willing to resolve it. It is not the same situation as the OP described where one person decides no more sex simply because they want to without even discussing with their partner first.

annapolly · 21/03/2011 11:28

When I was 21 I worked with a group of ladies in their early fifties.

Everyone of them did not want sex, it held no interest for them, they were more interested in Ercol furniture.

I found it very strange but now at the age of 49 I am in the same position, apart from the furniture.

I don't think when you have a libido you can imagine what it is like not to have.

It has nothing to do with not loving or fancying your partner.

I think marriage is about more than sex, and a person should not be made to have sex.

msshapelybottom · 21/03/2011 11:31

I just want to make clear I am talking specifically about situations where sex is withheld indefinitely and the partner withholding makes no effort to compromise or seek counselling etc, not the normal ebb and flow of libido.

It is hard to explain just how terrible it can be to wake up each day knowing that the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with is rejecting you. Withholding sex is so much more than refusing intimacy and a physical act. It tells the other person that they are no longer desirable, that their needs are not important. To feel like a whore for wanting to be touched by your husband is soul destroying.

I asked my exH if he would be agreeable to me seeking sex outside of the relationship since he wasn't interested. He point blank refused. He also refused to go for counselling or to seek help in any way.

To me, this is as detrimental & damaging to a marriage as infidelity. No, one does not cancel out the other, but I can appreciate the grey areas.

And to answer a question further up, no I have never been cheated on. How many of you who think cheating in this situation would be terrible have actually been there?

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