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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you cant withold sex and expect your OH to stay faithful?

146 replies

Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:47

In a situation where one partner decides that they dont want to have sex anymore, but wants to stay in the relationship, can they expect the other partner to stay faithful?

I feel that if one partner removes the other partners sex life with no agreement from them, then surely its a bit U to expect them to go without sex for the rest of their lives? Wouldnt it be better all round for the sexless partner to finish the relationship and allow the other partner to find someone else, instead of putting them under pressure to stay and basically put up with it?

This is not including situations where one partner has a medical or psychological condition where they are unable to have sex. But when one partner just decides that there will be no more sex in that relationship with no discussion or consideration for the other partner.

Can they really complain if the other partner strays?

OP posts:
SueWhite · 20/03/2011 22:48

Well everyone has the choice to end a relationship rather than cheat, but basically yes. If you refuse to ever have anything sexual to do with your partner, chances are you will get dumped one way or the other

hardhatdonned · 20/03/2011 22:50

Witholding without talking is BU but witholding with mutual consent isn't.

I'm flumoxed as to why someone would just wake up one day, have no consideration for a partner, decide they want no more sex then withold it forever more with no explaination. What a bizarre thing to do. Stranger still if they have enough love for the person to want to stay with them odd. Very very odd.

PenguinArmy · 20/03/2011 22:51

I had written a long post to argue the many points that were wrong with your OP but have a Biscuit instead

LDNmummy · 20/03/2011 22:51

YANBU, had an almost row with a couple other women about this. My point was that I don't think people who cheat are always fully to blame,there are situations where you can sympathise with the cheating party, and the example you have given is one of them.

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/03/2011 22:51

Yanbu. I expect some couples are happy to have the sexual partner stray but come home iyswim.

So, having a sexual relationship elsewhere does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage, if both parties are happy with the status quo.

I am sure there are some people who don't want to divorce but yet don't want to have sex with their partner - and are therefore happy for them to go elsewhere for their sexual relationship.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:52

I'd rather hear your points Penguin :) Although a biscuit would be nice with my cuppa!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 20/03/2011 22:53

What would you define as a "psychological condition"?

What about situations where one partner treats the other with little respect or doesn't pull his/her weight and so the other partner loses sexual desire for them?

Partners should stay faithful if they have promised to do so, for better or worse. If you want to make a private agreement that's fine. Otherwise no, give them the respect of ending the relationship if you want to sleep around.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:53

The situation I am posting this from is where the woman doesnt want sex, doesnt want a divorce, is laying it on with emotional blackmail for the man to stay (money, kids etc) but is expecting him to not sleep with anyone else, ever.

Its not me btw!!

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 20/03/2011 22:54

Witholding sex?

See, I'm reading your disclaimers and I'm wondering just what you include under that.

I think you are oversimplifying an enormously complicated issue.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/03/2011 22:55

Why doesn't she want sex?

worraliberty · 20/03/2011 22:56

I agree OP.

I was talking to one of the Mums at the school a few years ago and it was her wedding anniversary. I said something like "Oooh what have you got planned? Nudge nudge"

Her reply was "Oh he's not getting anything like that..no matter how much he complains"

When I asked her what she meant, I was stunned when she replied "Well we've been together 15 years now, I'm done with all that 'sweaty stuff' I'm getting too old for it"

They were 35 and 36yrs old Confused

I don't think she has any right to condem her husband to a life of selibacy purely because she's 'done with the sweaty stuff' Hmm

BertieBotts · 20/03/2011 22:56

Same question as Madonna.

BitOfFun · 20/03/2011 22:57

I think it's unreasonable to lie and cheat. If the situation you describe arises, then the new 'rules' should be discussed- even if that means you agree that you don't want to hear about any other sex partners and you would like them to be discreet. It all sounds a bit sad though, and I suppose that most people would end up splitting up, or just being a bit unhappy together.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/03/2011 22:57

Short answer: yes.
Slightly less short: what the actual fuck?

Hmm
hardhatdonned · 20/03/2011 22:58

Bloody hell i'd pretty much expect DP to stray if i stopped having sex in a few years time Shock i don't get the psychology behind not missing the intimacy of sex

Original poster
Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:59

The reason she gave me is that she was never that keen and now they have their kids they dont need to. In all honesty, I dont think she fancied him that much to start with but he was a good bet as she was pushing 40 and wanted kids. That is purely specualtion on my part, but she never seemed to be that bothered whether she was with him or not until they were ttc!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 20/03/2011 23:00

That sounds pretty dismal Sad

Original poster
Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 23:01

So Winter, you would expect your partner to be faithful even if you refused sex on a permanent basis?

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 20/03/2011 23:02

How close are you? I mean, you don't sound like you like her very much. What are the chances that she may not be fully exploring the reasons for her lack of libido with you?

hardhatdonned · 20/03/2011 23:02

How heartbreaking for him :(

Why doesn't she do the right thing by him and leave? (if indeed what you say is the case)

BertieBotts · 20/03/2011 23:03

I think it's sad when women say they don't like sex. I have a sneaking suspicion (because TBH it used to be me as well) that in the majority of cases it's because they've only been with idiot men who see sex as some kind of right rather than a nice thing to do together when both parties fancy it, and go around demanding or cajoling or whining about it until she gives in and gives him what he wants even if she's not really up for it. Years of this takes all the romance out of sex and makes it into a chore.

TBH if a wife has been treated like this for 15 years I think it serves her husband right if she's decided she doesn't want sex any more.

NOT generalising to "all men" or "all women" here BTW.

hardhatdonned · 20/03/2011 23:03

Mind you if she's now in her, what, mid40's is she going through the menopause and her libido is now just non existent?

BulletWithAName · 20/03/2011 23:03

YANBU at all!

DaphneHeartsFred · 20/03/2011 23:03

Under those circumstances I wouldn't be surprised if he strayed. And I wouldn't have much sympathy for her.

I, on the other hand, could give you pages and pages of reasons why H and I don't have sex any more.

But then I wouldn't give a shit if he did fuck off stray.

BertieBotts · 20/03/2011 23:04

Okay in the situation you describe I think it might be right that she just didn't fancy him much in the first place. Did he know this before they were TTC?