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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you cant withold sex and expect your OH to stay faithful?

146 replies

Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:47

In a situation where one partner decides that they dont want to have sex anymore, but wants to stay in the relationship, can they expect the other partner to stay faithful?

I feel that if one partner removes the other partners sex life with no agreement from them, then surely its a bit U to expect them to go without sex for the rest of their lives? Wouldnt it be better all round for the sexless partner to finish the relationship and allow the other partner to find someone else, instead of putting them under pressure to stay and basically put up with it?

This is not including situations where one partner has a medical or psychological condition where they are unable to have sex. But when one partner just decides that there will be no more sex in that relationship with no discussion or consideration for the other partner.

Can they really complain if the other partner strays?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 20/03/2011 23:59

It's not just sex though, is it? It's intimacy and feeling attractive to your partner. Suddenly declaring no sex is kinda whipping the rug out from under the other person, really.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/03/2011 00:05

I wonder if it is really a case of "right, that's it, no more". I think it is about intimacy and feeling close and wanted, and I think it works both ways. I'm still thinking of the bloke who decamped to the spare room when his baby was born to get a good night's sleep...

animula · 21/03/2011 00:08

It's hard to think of a better way to make someone feel really, really crap about themselves than to withhold sex.

The irony, I suspect, is that it is surely such an effective way to undermine someone's belief in their attractiveness, it probably reduces the chances of them pitching their tent elsewhere ....

inchoccyheaven · 21/03/2011 00:12

You can still love someone and be affectionate without having sex though.
A couple of years ago dh and I didn't have sex for about 6-9 months. Originated from me being ill and then over time, I just lost the urge. Dh never complained although he must have been desperate and he never strayed and was insulted when I mentioned that he might. His love for me was deeper than us not having sex.
Anyway it was very much a case of having to get back in saddle so to speak and as worra ( it think ) said the more you do it, the more you want it. We don't have sex as much as we probably would like, but we do have great sex when it happens.
Throughout those months where we didn't have sex we still kissed and hugged, and I think that is more important than actual sex in a relationship.So I would say uabu in some cases.

worraliberty · 21/03/2011 00:13

IMO you are unreasonable. I would like to think a relationship is based on more than just sex, and also that my husband wouldnt want me to have sex with him if i didnt want to!

Of course a relationship should be based on more than just sex..but that's not to say that sex isn't a huge part of it is it?

There is no 1 or the other in most good relationships. What happens outside of the bedroom is just as important as what happens inside it...and one normally compliments/affects the other.

But to simply decide you don't fancy sex any more and expect your partner to suck it up (scuse the pun lol!) and never have sex again...is selfish beyond words imo.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/03/2011 00:16

Again, I'm going to say that I think it highly unlikely it's ever as simple as that.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/03/2011 00:18

I'd expect her to sort her intimacy issues out, she definitely has them.

I dont buy 'not fancying', not if she loves him. If she doesn't love him and won't try to love him then she should leave.

HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 07:56

YABU.

They have the option to leave.

I don't know if you have ever read my posts on this but I am in this situation.

13 yrs married, the last 10 of them without sex. He doesn't want to (although he has recently said he's been thinking about it and feels he wants to "make the effort". I told him not to put himself out or anything Hmm )

I tell you this so you know I am not coming from no experience.

If you don't like it - leave.

If sex was so important to me that I would rather have it with someone else than stay with him without it, then I had the choice to pack my bags.

I decided that I would rather be with him with no sex, than to be with someone else who rodgered me daily.

Doesn't mean it's perfect. Doesn't mean I don't wish it hadn't been different all these years, but it is what it is and I made my choice.

Now, if you say to them that you cannot live without sex and although you love them and want to be with them, you want to go elsewhere for sex and they agree to that, then fair enough. But no deceit. That's never right.

I haven't done that btw Grin

HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 07:57

oh, when I say "you" this and that, I don't mean you, it's just the general "you". meaning them. whoever. people. Grin

RunAwayWife · 21/03/2011 08:07
Hmm
HecateTheCrone · 21/03/2011 08:10

Is that face at me? Because I think if it is, I would rather you just say what it is you are Hmm ing about.

ENormaSnob · 21/03/2011 08:19

Yanbu

I wouldn't stay with dh if he decided he no longer wanted sex.

I verymuch doubt he would stay with me if I did the same.

Crawling · 21/03/2011 08:21

What about Schizoid personality disorder? you dont know the full story and shouldnt judge IMO.

SudashesaliveItakeyoutoher · 21/03/2011 08:27

Thats really Sad Daphne

Original poster
Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 08:29

I do remember you posting about your DH wanting to re-introduce "relations" now you mention it Hec.

It interesting to read your POV and I wonder if there is a bit of sexism in my opinion in that I wouldnt expect a man to live in a sexless marriage. I am not I would be so certain about a woman doing it though now I think about it. Perhaps because it seems that sex is always far more important to men than women, or atleast, the ones I have known!

Thanks for sharing that, you prove that it isnt impossible that he will stay with her under those conditions. I just dont think its fair that he has no say at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 21/03/2011 08:35

Who's judging Crawling?

I was asking if it is U to expect the DH to stay faithful in a sexless marriage that isnt of his choosing. And she doesnt have a personality disorder, just doesnt fancy her husband!

OP posts:
nurseblade · 21/03/2011 08:50

Don't the marriage vows say something about honouring each other with their bodies? Is that bit seen as less important than the forsaking all others part? And if so, why?

Crawling · 21/03/2011 08:51

I wasnt referring to you in particular op just my opinion in general, but you cant know for certain she doesnt have a personality disorder (not that I think she has one), unless she has seen someone about her lack of desire to have sex it must be hard for a woman to go without sex too and she must have some reason, she may not have discussed with you as she is embarrased or any number of reasons. You dont really know for certain that she doesnt fancy her husband you are just guessing.

However I dont think her DP will remain faithful but that is not the right thing to do IMO she doesnt want him to leave so if I was in her partners position and no sex was something I was unhappy with I would say I am not staying unless she tries to get therapy so we can see why she feels this way and then I can make a decision on my future once I know why sex is or is not off the cards.

beijingaling · 21/03/2011 09:04

YANBU and yabu. DH & I haven't had sex for since I was 8 months preg. This is partly cos DH doesnt want to hurt me & partly because the changes my body has gone through have really bothered me. I never expected saggy boobs and stretch marked baby belly at 25.

It's not forever, DH is supportive and were intimate in other ways. I would not accept him making other arrangement.

However, with no discussion just deciding you weren't having sex again and your OH must just carry on regardless is very distructive.

DaisyDaresYOU · 21/03/2011 09:30

I do believe people can not like sex,people that who have been raped,sexually abused as a child etc.I remember when I was a few weeks preg with my 1st ,dp said if he didn't get any he would go elsewhere Shock I was being sick loads and very tired(he denys he ever said that)

pjmama · 21/03/2011 09:30

I'm in a similar position to Hecate. It's the most painful, humiliating and heartbreaking thing to be totally rejected by the person you've chosen to spend your life with, but I agree that you have to decide for yourself whether or not to live with it. I don't believe that anything would be solved if I went to get it elsewhere, in fact the complete reverse would probably be true. If I got close enough to someone else to have sex with them, then my marriage would be over anyway. Also for me it's not just about getting laid - I want to have intimacy with my husband, not someone else.

Only the person in question can decide whether they can accept the situation. I think if you choose to stay, you should be faithful.

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 09:36

I think the OP's friend is asking for trouble, or maybe she has the babies and now want rid of the man!!! If she knows sex is something he may not want to do without, then denying is only bringing on the end!!Sad

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2011 09:40

AGree with WinterOfOurDiscountTents - cheating is cheating - he should leave not cheat

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 09:54

maybe she wants him to cheat, so she can throw the book at him and make him leave!!!!!

msshapelybottom · 21/03/2011 10:03

I was in a similar situation with my exH. It was utterly humiliating, soul destroying and painful to be rejected by the one person who claimed to love me.

I ended the relationship but am still struggling with low self esteem. I still wonder why he didn't want me, deep down I wonder if there is something awful about me that someone else will find out too.

It's a reflection of the health (or lack of) within a relationship when one person behaves with complete selfishness IMO.

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