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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you cant withold sex and expect your OH to stay faithful?

146 replies

Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 22:47

In a situation where one partner decides that they dont want to have sex anymore, but wants to stay in the relationship, can they expect the other partner to stay faithful?

I feel that if one partner removes the other partners sex life with no agreement from them, then surely its a bit U to expect them to go without sex for the rest of their lives? Wouldnt it be better all round for the sexless partner to finish the relationship and allow the other partner to find someone else, instead of putting them under pressure to stay and basically put up with it?

This is not including situations where one partner has a medical or psychological condition where they are unable to have sex. But when one partner just decides that there will be no more sex in that relationship with no discussion or consideration for the other partner.

Can they really complain if the other partner strays?

OP posts:
nurseblade · 20/03/2011 23:04

YANBU

hardhatdonned · 20/03/2011 23:05

All women like sex, i refuse to believe anyone doesn't like sex. They just don't like sex with THAT partner.

I have a very very dear friend who's now ex husband was a complete pig and, apparently, a '2 grunts and im done' in bed with nothing in it for her. She despised sex.

Now with her new partner she's having a wail of a time! Has me in stitches whenever she tells me how she's discovered ann summers and the like lol

Original poster
Bogeyface · 20/03/2011 23:06

She is a close relative, and I love her very much. She told me in a very off hand way, we talk about intimate things without embarrassment. I have suggested that counselling might help to get it back on track if she really wants to stay married, but she wont consider it. She sees it as her right to refuse sex, which it is, but also that he should just live with it. i disagreed and wondered what the thoughts were on here.

I just think that he will eventually leave her, but she is determined that he wont and will do anything she can to make sure he stays, apart from sleep with him! He is a lovely chap and adores her.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 20/03/2011 23:07

YANBU.

BitOfFun · 20/03/2011 23:07

It doesn't sound very fair or kind to marry somebody to effectively use them as a sperm donor and financial provider. Of course, he might stay on her terms, as it seems like he is more in love with her than she is with him, but it doesn't sound like a long happy future together. I doubt it could last.

BertieBotts · 20/03/2011 23:08

Some people don't like sex, hardhat. 1% of the population identify as asexual.

I think you're right that a lot of the time people who say this (especially women) have just never experienced sex in a respectful, loving partnership. How fucked up is that? Confused And I think most people would despise sex with selfish arses, TBH.

hardhatdonned · 20/03/2011 23:09

Oh i agree Bertie, i'm just generalising on the point. It is extremely sad when you think about it though how many people (men included) are in loveless relationships with a complete lack of intimacy :(

weedle · 20/03/2011 23:10

Poor guy! Bit harsh to be using the kids etc to blackmail him. Thinking about it from his pov I don't know what'd be worse

  1. Living without sex and the intimacy that brings

  2. Having sex but meaningless sex with someone else

or

  1. Knowing that the person I adored didn't love me enough to explore the issue with counselling etc and was in effect saying that my needs didn't matter

Either way it's shitty

Adversecamber · 20/03/2011 23:11

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cat64 · 20/03/2011 23:11

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cat64 · 20/03/2011 23:12

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TheSecondComing · 20/03/2011 23:17

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A1980 · 20/03/2011 23:18

I guess it varies depending on the situation. This is reminding me of a letter I read in a realtionship advice column YEARS ago. I never forgot it because I was a bit taken aback by it.

The situation involved a man is his mid 30's who was married with one 4 year old child. He had had a normal happy marriage. When his son was born they decided that he would sleep in another bedroom as he worked long hours and that as his wife was breastfeeding, he could not help that much with night feeds and so he might as well sleep properly.

I couldn't see where it was going until he said now that their DS is 4, he is still sleeping in the spare bedroom and the DS will only sleep with his mother. They never discussed it. He was upset and said that it had occurred to him that his wife didn't want him back in bed with her as she had made absolutely no effort to make their son go and sleep in his own bed.

He said it wasn't the sex he missed but the tenderness and closeness he used to have with his wife which was non-existant now. He said they felt like a divorced couple living under the same roof.

I sympathise as bascially this man has been used a sperm donor. He's served his purpose, he's not even allowed to sleep in the marital bed and he was working long hours to support his stay at home wife and his son. Personally I wouldn't have put up with that for so many years.

I think it's very unfair to expect your partner never to be close to you again just because one person doesn't want it.

lookingfoxy · 20/03/2011 23:19

I don't think its fair, I am in this situation as is the other person I am sleeping with.

In my experience, there was no discussion, just a loss of desire (for me?) and it has stopped, im mid 30's and have a high sex drive (according to dp), but cannot envisage myself only having sex every so often, to me its an important part of relationship.

Its fucking dismal to stoop to the lows of seeing someone else, but if I want any sort of sex life I don't have much choice.

OM isn't dismal btw, just the situation.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/03/2011 23:25

A1980 - If they had never discussed it, in four years, and he was waiting for her to sort out the sleeping arrangments, then how was he being any more proactive? Perhaps she missed the closeness all those long nights of breastfeeding (and after?) and felt sidelined because of his desire for a good night's sleep.

worraliberty · 20/03/2011 23:27

But there are also the staunch "why should she have sex if she doesn't want to?" type of people.

My answer is, if your partner is unhappy at the lack of sex in your relationship...lie back and think of England for the first 5 minutes and you'll probably get into it Grin

I think sometimes the less people do it, the less they want to and it's easy to let weeks/months go by.

A1980 · 20/03/2011 23:29

Fallen there was mmore to it than that. It was a long letter. But he tried to cosy up to her during the day, etc, cuddle on sofa, she just wasn't having it. So he said he was scared to ask about the night time as he was almost certain what the answer would be. She didn't want him full stop and rejected him when he tried to be close.

He was considering divorce.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/03/2011 23:33

Considering divorce without explicitly discussing the reason?

Look, I'm not saying the not having sex is a good thing, and I'm not saying people should just put up with it. But I do think the reasons why people don't want ever to have sex with the person they share their life with, and by the sounds of it anybody at all, are almost always far more complex than just never really having fancied them that much or not wanting the "sweaty stuff".

Bassett22 · 20/03/2011 23:34

Good point by weedle - what can he do?

None of those options can possibly be "right" and none can possibly work in the long term. Either it gets sorted out (one way or another), or one person in that relationship spends the rest of it feeling rejected.

Surely the key point here (aside from the lack of sex itself) is the non-communication? If she told her husband she never wants sex again, then they could deal with it in whichever way worked for them. But to string him along and allow him to keep "complaining" (as she puts it) is completely unreasonable. This is essentially emotional infidelity.

(In summary - YANBU!)

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 20/03/2011 23:37

Well I'd expect him to leave me, but if he didn't I would expect him to be faithful, yes.

She says no sex, he can leave. Cheating is still cheating no matter why though.

LDNmummy · 20/03/2011 23:39

"Why doesn't she want sex?"

Did I miss something somewhere or is this an assumption that it would be the woman not wanting sex? Grin

LDNmummy · 20/03/2011 23:40

Ah, just saw the post lol!

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 20/03/2011 23:48

IMO you are unreasonable. I would like to think a relationship is based on more than just sex, and also that my husband wouldnt want me to have sex with him if i didnt want to!

lookingfoxy · 20/03/2011 23:57

Lisa, but what about depriving your husband of something he really wants, wouldn't you compromise?

LDNmummy · 20/03/2011 23:58

I just imagine it the other way round. If my DP didn't want to have sex with me anymore I would become very unhappy. Sex is not just about the physical, it is also about shared intimacy and appreciation of your loved one's body.

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