to think you cant withold sex and expect your OH to stay faithful?

[Bogeyface]

In a situation where one partner decides that they dont want to have sex anymore, but wants to stay in the relationship, can they expect the other partner to stay faithful?

I feel that if one partner removes the other partners sex life with no agreement from them, then surely its a bit U to expect them to go without sex for the rest of their lives? Wouldnt it be better all round for the sexless partner to finish the relationship and allow the other partner to find someone else, instead of putting them under pressure to stay and basically put up with it?

This is not including situations where one partner has a medical or psychological condition where they are unable to have sex. But when one partner just decides that there will be no more sex in that relationship with no discussion or consideration for the other partner.

Can they really complain if the other partner strays?

namechanged for now as DH knows my posting name.
Well I could be the OP's friend.

I do not fancy my husband - not sure I ever did. He's gained a bit of weight and I guess it's being too familiar over the years. I wanted the 'safe' 'reliable' man to settle down and have children with as I was getting older.

He still fancies me but we only have sex when I am in the mood (usually when I've had too much to drink or ovulating) he's obviously not too happy with that. I'm not sure what counselling would achieve? I can't alter the fact that I don't fancy him.

I'm not even contemplating divorce - even though I guess I can't love him enough if I can't see past physical attraction. Not prepared to put myself and the children through the trauma and financial loss. So I guess I want it all my way really.

changingnamefornow if you had never fancied your husband how did he come to be your husband? I feel very sorry for people in a relationship with someone who has no interest in them and they have no idea, it just seems very saddening.

Because I loved him. He's not ugly - pleasant enough looking but slimmer then. I do vividly remember being a bit disappointed when he took his clothes off though.

Why don't you tell him to do some exercise (don't have to be blunt or rude), rather than quietly being disappointed he has gained weight and no longer sexually appealing and your husband also being disappointed because he would like more sex other than when your ovulating or drinking but doesn't know his weight is putting you off.

This seems a problem that can be fixed if you communicate with each other, at least it would be worth a try better than 2 people quietly having troubles.

Apparently he 'doesn't have time' to exercise but he does know the weight is an issue for me.

Okay so he knows well then he should realise that in order to have a better sex life he will also need to make changes rather than only expect you to have sex more.

changingnamefornow Sorry to hear that :(

at no point in my marriage vows was there a promise to honour with my body or anything to that effect.

i agree that the reason for witholding sex needs to be explained/explored.

i'm currently in the position where i don't want to have sex or any kind of intimacy with DH for many reasons, i'm tired from doing more than my share of childcare/housework, working fulltime and am now in first trimester of pregnancy so suffering from morning sickness exhaustion at the moment, i try to "force myself" to do it when i think DH is getting to the end of his tether.

my head is firmly in the sand however because i regularly dream fantasize about other men so obviously not lost all desire.
i haven't yet explored this with DH as everything else is going well at the moment.

However much one respects the others decision that sex no longer plays a part in a marriage, I found having the intimacy removed deeply difficult to bear.
We had other issues, but I needed and ached painfully and the rejection was crushing. It comes across sometimes that the person who still needs/wants that intimacy should just somehow 'switch' those feelings off for the benefit of the relationship. But you can't. Anymore than you can switch 'broodyness' off.

I didn't go elsewhere. Although developed very complicated feelings for someone else.

We say that sex isn't the most important part of a relationship and yet sexual infidelity is often a deal breaker.

It doesn't justify infidelity but I could and did cry from physical loneliness, feeling unwanted, hurt, rejected. Of course sex should be mutually consensual but would we be happy in a relationship where the one had refused to eat in the company of the other? Or hold conversations?

It is sad and complicated and where once I would have had a black and white view point, now also see the grey areas.

It's difficult isn't it Edwardor? I regularly have sexual dreams about various random people and still find other men attractive. I can't imagine not being able to have sex with anyone else I find attractive ever again! but I also know that the grass isn't always greener elsewhere. My husband is great - does his share and more around the house, always puts family first and is a brilliant hands-on dad.

Thanks for the sympathy BettyCash - was expecting to hear I was a selfish cow!

changingnamefornow
me too, i was initially attracted to DH because he was attentive made me feel special, wined and dined flowers etc.
for the past few years most thoughtful thing he said to me is what shall i put out for dinner?!
so with me i think its probably lack of respect, gratitude, and effort on his part that has put me off him.
he also constantly farts and stuff in the house without even trying to be discreet in front of me which also puts me off.

sorry xpost yes it is difficult. i'm silently hoping that as DCs(the one i'm carrying will be the last) gat older then maybe we can get back on track but i sometimes suspect that we won't last another 5yrs.

it makes me feel bad/guilty because i know that leaving him would devastate him, and he still loves me very much, and obviously craves intimacy, but doesn't seem to understand that all the other things need to be fixed before i'll feel inclined.

Wow, I am actually really surprised (I have only skimmed the thread, btw) by all the replies saying that yanbu.
Yes it is unreasonable for the person to withold sex without talking about it, but the more general point in your OP is, imo, very U.

Marriage is about so much more than sex. People are together, and manage perfectly well, with mis matched sex drives. How is this any different? There are other things that can relieve the person who wants more sex without infidelity.

As long as they are still emotionally intimate the physical side can be taken care of! It would be difficult, but we all should compromise for the person we love and have chosen to marry, surely? If they cannot face having sex, for whatever reason, then it is their decision and not a reflection on them as a person.

Edwardor - your situation is different to changingname though. You used to fancy your DH and married him in good faith.

changingname - did you really marry someone that you didn't fancy? I find that totally bizarre - and yes selfish because as you say you want it all your own way. Imagine a man describing the situation in reverse, he would be called an abuser and all sorts on here.

FWIW, DH and I have had some dry patches, largely to do with me having been either pregnant or BFing for the last 3.5 years. But we have never lost our love and closeness as a couple and we are physically affectionate all the time.
Once we are out of this small baby patch, then things will get back to how they were before.

Cat98, we are not talking about mismatched sex drives - we are talking about one partner being forced to live life in a celibate state against their wishes.

Yes, of course a relationship should be about more than sex, (to suggest that someone who needs sex doesn't "get" this is downright insulting BTW) but when one partner puts their own needs first at the expense of the other, without discussion then the other good parts of the relationship can be eroded.

Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are intertwined - for some people, one cannot exist without the other.

To suggest that person wanting more sex can be "relieved" in other ways is missing the point that it's about lack of respect and an unwillingness to comprimise...I was told to buy a vibrator, which I did (and still enjoy!) but that does not erase the attitude of "fuck your needs, mine come first and always will".

Haven't read the whole thread, so I'm probably repeating/out of date, but YABU.

If a person decides they do not want sex, their partner is entitled to decide whether to put up with that for the sake of everything else about the relationship, or leave to find someone who does want sex.

What they are not entitled to do is cheat.

If I decided I didn't want sex any more, I'd understand if my DH wanted to leave and find a new relationship (just as I'd understand him leaving if, say, I decided I didn't want children, moved to live abroad, or became a religious fundamentalist, or anything else that radically changed our relationship).

But if he decided to stay, then that means he would have accepted the lack of sex. It doesn't mean he could stay with me and get sex from someone else.

msshapelybottom

Very true - one of the more disparaging (regular) comments I see on MN is "oh, just tell him(/her) to go and have a w4nk".

Sex can just be about sex, sometimes, but often it has a far deeper symoblism - particularly in a committed relationship.

Having said that, consenting to sex and then just staring at the pattern on the ceiling isn't really a better solution (emotionally) - yet how many marriages muddle along on that basis?

Msshapelybottom - the word "forced" isn't correct though is it? They are free to leave the relationship.

Also the "without discussion" element is key. I agree this is totally U of a partner. However this would be U if they were refusing to discuss any issue in the relationship, not just because of the subject matter. What I'm trying to say is that this sort of behaviour isn't very nice regardless of what it is about. Someone who doesn't want sex and won't discuss it at all with their partner isn't being fair, but if they do discuss and offer alternatives (that don't involve cheating) then I don't see that this would be reason for infidelity. If the other partner really can't cope without it, they would have to leave the relationship, though I would struggle to believe that they really loved the person then. But I do think that in a lot cases it would be a symptom of other issues in the relationship anyway.

"
What they are not entitled to do is cheat.

If I decided I didn't want sex any more, I'd understand if my DH wanted to leave and find a new relationship (just as I'd understand him leaving if, say, I decided I didn't want children, moved to live abroad, or became a religious fundamentalist, or anything else that radically changed our relationship).

But if he decided to stay, then that means he would have accepted the lack of sex. It doesn't mean he could stay with me and get sex from someone else."

Agree with the above from minipie.

I'm assuming minipie doesn't have kids - in that situation the decision to just up and leave must be a damn sight harder!

But that's the case with all relationship problems, Bassett - it doesn't mean that this one is any different.

wow, yes i would expect him to stay faithful. he can always wank!!

so all of you are saying that you would cheat if your partners refused you sex?

Hmm, I can see what you are trying to say but you are simplifying an issue which is very complex.

I loved my exH deeply, I stayed because I loved him and because we had 3 small kids. I stayed and battled for the relationship but it was completely one sided.

By the time I left, I no longer loved him, that much is true, but I loved the bones of him up till then.

It's all very sad whichever way you look at it.

Well, exactly Cat - you'd both do as much as is humanly possible to do the right thing for everyone, kids included.

Can you not envisage a situation where the "sexual" partner has occasional dalliances, but in all other ways acts exactly as everyone would like them to act (in terms of the family/partner relationship)?

I can certainly see how going elsewhere might just be the catalyst for a full breakdown. But the "non-sexual" partner must surely understand they were partly responsible?

It depends. There's a difference between someone losing a desire for sex and only agreeing to it less often, and someone who says 'right, that's it! No more sex for me!'

No-one died from lack of sex.

But there has to be communication and compromise with this as with all other areas of a relationship.

It is very sad. I am sorry to hear you went through this.

I don't think I am simplifying though - I think I'm saying that it usually is much more complex than just this issue. Which it sounds as though it obviously was for you from your posts.
If it is just that one partner, for whatever reason, doesn't want to have sex, but they are committed and loving in otehr ways, I think that most people should be able to work through this, though difficult, if they really love that person.

Sorry if this offends anyone - I jsut cannot imagine cheating on or indeed leaving a loving, committed H and father for this issue alone.