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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think not everyone has someone to look after DCs whilst they give birth????

275 replies

deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:25

For one reason or another, the two close friends we've made in this area since moving here 20 months ago are not going to be in a position to take DS (20 months) for as long as is needed whilst I give birth this May. I feel really embarrassed as have no family nearby that would do it either. So we are a bit stuck. He can go to our elderly neighbours, but not to sleep, and I know labour has a habit of going on all night sometimes!

Could we take DS to the hospital with us? And have him sleep in buggy somewhere? When he was born, I was moved into HDU, and there were about 10 medics in there, so he would have to have been outside the room. Would they even allow this?

What else can we do??? Surely we aren't the only ones in this position. Or is DH going to have to miss this birth?

OP posts:
plopplopquack · 22/03/2011 08:59

It's not just about the woman though is it. The woman gets to see her child born no matter what, whereas it is just as special to the man yet he may have to miss it if there is no childcare help. My DH nearly missed it because PIL refused to look after my oldest as a way of punishing us for having an argument with them (Yellowstone, that was what I meant earlier when I said they were spiteful) and he would have been absolutely gutted. It is just as important to the man as it is to the woman and I know so many older men who wish they had the chance to be there but is wasn't allowed then. I'm pretty sure that if DH hadn't of made it he would have been upset about it for such a long time. Not least because my labours were incredibly complicated and scary (babies rescucitated etc) but because he felt that he NEEDED to experience all of it.

kerala · 22/03/2011 09:09

All this upset and misery about DHs missing births etc. JUST ASK YOUR FRIENDS!!

expatinscotland · 22/03/2011 09:24

The options have been put forth. If you don't have family who can look after the child, you either ask friends or virtual strangers or hire in help. Or you have a homebirth.

As we had no family, had just moved to the area (which was very isolated) and had no one to ask and no money to hire anyone, I had to go it alone.

Homebirth was not for me (also, it was a really long way to hospital if anything went wrong and late Autumn in a place with bad weather), so I had to go it alone.

The hospital was about a 2-hour drive away, too, and didn't allow young children visitors, so DH didn't get to visit as again, no one to leave the children with.

He didn't see DS till he came to collect us 2 days later (I wound up with an instrumental delivery).

Not ideal, but really in the grand scheme of things you just have to let it go if that's the situation.

DS is very well-bonded to DH, so that hasn't been an issue. I mean, adoptive parents usually aren't at the births of their children and yet can be very bonded to their children.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2011 09:26

But plopp, if there's no way round it someone has to stay with the other children, sometimes it has to be husband and both he and his wife just have to get on with it.

Or have a homebirth.

myredcardigan · 22/03/2011 09:40

Of course you just have to get on with it-and I did. I didn't sulk about it but I did find it very traumatic to give birth on my own especially having so recently lost both my parents. The grief and anger just poured out of me during labour and the whole thing just left me very traumatised. I'm fairly sure had I not been dealing with all that and instead had DH and my parents to greet me afterwards, it would have been different.

I have been mugged before where I was pushed against a wall and my bag ripped from my shoulder. I was terrified at the time but it has not affected me longterm in the way DD2's birth has. If someone posted that they were still upset and traumatised years after a mugging, people would understand. Yet on this thread I was just told to get over it as if it was nothing. Many women give birth with a partner yet the experience is so horrific for them that they could never go through it again and are still carrying around those feelings years later.

I probably do need counselling but that doesn't mean the trauma I feel is any less or that my reaction is 'wet'.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2011 09:53

As it's obviously still affecting you a lot, myred, yes, I think you should get counselling about it.

Yellowstone · 22/03/2011 10:02

twilight3 thanks for asking. He didn't die but he wasn't too good either and needed to be whisked away.

The midwife in charge just told me to do 'what felt natural' and left the room but a lovely trainee who'd just dropped out of vet school came in and spotted the problem and definitely saved the day.

I didn't mean to imply that he died.

myredcardigan · 22/03/2011 10:09

Yes, I should Expat but that doesn't mean my feelings aren't real or are pathetic and wet as they've been described on here.

Just because an event is not traumatic for one person does not mean another won't find it so. I wasn't traumatised by the mugging but I know lots of people are.

pingu2209 · 22/03/2011 13:26

With my first birth I had an emergency admission with pre-eclampsia and my friend took me to hospital with her 2 month old in a bucket car seat. The midwives went nutty and said she and her son had to go because the baby / child would have germs that the new borns could get very ill from.

I was then very worried with my second birth as I too lived miles from family and did not have the circle of friends to call on at 3am to look after ds1 for what could be 24 hours. My midwife was adament that ds1 would not be allowed into the hospital let alone in the birthing suite.

You really do need to find cover for him and it may cost you.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 14:54

The midwives went nutty and said she and her son had to go because the baby / child would have germs that the new borns could get very ill from

Good Lord, things like this do make you wonder about some MW's! What do they think happens at home births? And as far as I know siblings can visit hospitals where their mum's have just given birth!

bellaella16 · 22/03/2011 15:03

My neighbour was in the same position. She approached me out of the blue to ask if I'd be on standby if it happened at night as her parents wouldn't be able to get there in time. Of course I was willing and now we're good friends. You don't know until you ask - are there any neighbours you could trust?

plopplopquack · 22/03/2011 15:19

expatinscotland Tue 22-Mar-11 09:26:58

But plopp, if there's no way round it someone has to stay with the other children, sometimes it has to be husband and both he and his wife just have to get on with it.

Well yes of course, but the point I was making is that it is extremely important for a lot of dads, as important as it is for the mums but often the dads can't make it. It must be so sad for them! I don't think that their emotions in this should just be dismissed as "tough"! Would we like it if as women our feelings were dismissed like that.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2011 15:34

Oh, yes, of course, dads have feelings, too.

But when they can't make it, they can't. There's lots of situations like that - a dad in The Forces, for example, may not be able to.

It doesn't have to affect bonding, though.

Yellowstone · 22/03/2011 17:30

Not all dads want to be there either, some find it an unattractive prospect for a number of reasons.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 17:34

Not all dads want to be there either, some find it an unattractive prospect for a number of reasons.

Must be great to have a choice! I'm sure a lot of women don't want to be there either but don't have a choice!

Yellowstone · 22/03/2011 22:20

Sure valium. But aren't we supposed to be being all touchy feely about the birth process here and claiming that all dads should be there because they want and need to be there....We aren't saying that they should be there to pander to us - or are we?

Are you sure that 'a lot of women don't want to be there'? Certainly there are moaners/ emotional leeches but mesh together the threads on MN including in particular the sadness on the infertility threads and I think you'll find the overwhelming majority do.

Habbibu · 22/03/2011 22:37

Not sure that's what she meant, Yellow - I read it as not really relishing the idea of labour and birth but having no choice by that point!

valiumredhead · 23/03/2011 07:50

What Habbibu said!

mathanxiety · 23/03/2011 19:50

If you want to take the idea of pandering in the context of childbirth to its reductio ad absurdum, why don't we all just squat behind the bushes to deliver and then get afterwards on with whatever it was that we were doing ...

I don't see any place for the term 'moaners' or 'emotional leeches' when it comes to childbirth.

mathanxiety · 23/03/2011 19:51

hmm 'afterwards get on....'

Yellowstone · 24/03/2011 00:36

hmm reductio ad absurdum may not be one of mathsanxiety's finest weapons....

You don't?

mathanxiety · 24/03/2011 14:05

No, I don't. When you've had more than one or two babies, as I have, and you too apparently, your perspective on childbirth changes and you definitely get less concerned about little details. But it's hard to understand why you feel free to dismiss the worries of others with a term like 'emotional leeches' or to suggest that just because other women have different problems, the OP's is insignificant. Obviously it is not insignificant to her, and maybe back when you were having your second child it wouldn't have been insignificant to you?

Why not just squat in the bushes... Surely it is just pandering to women's touchy-feeliness to have anything more than is strictly necessary from a medical pov available when a woman gives birth, and since women in 'developing' countries can just get on with it, why can't we?

poopnscoop · 24/03/2011 14:16

I have some preggy mums at the moment (am a CM), and have told all of them that I am there for them as and when baby comes, if needed. A couple of them have no family close by or friends that can/are willing to look after their child at a moment's notice.

It might be worth meeting up with a local nanny/CM who could look after your child in an emergency situation.

Yellowstone · 24/03/2011 14:21

Hello mathanxiety I can't see anywhere at all that I suggest that OP's problem is insignificant, I think you should read through the thread. I've been explicit about trying to add my own small measure of support and reassure OP. I don't find your arguments in the least persuasive because by saying that there are moaners and emotional leeches out there (as I well know there are!), I'm not implying that they are representative at all.

As for the latin, if you want to spout it in that erudite way, then please try to accompany it with logic. Yours is a hysterical distortion of the argument but not a logical corollary and the point falls down flat (or possibly squat).

mathanxiety · 24/03/2011 18:04

'...plenty of people face far worse challenges, worth remembering that.'

'Look at what other women on the thread have had to do and then ask yourself whether you should indulge.

You're lucky to have a healthy child, that's the main thing.'

'...what I did say was wet was the idea that choirs of angels should sing in the delivery room when often things can't be perfect and any regrets should be wiped out by relief at having a normal healthy baby.'

These were the comments that had me spouting Latin. You did, in fact, suggest that the OP's problem was insignificant compared to others'. You could make the same remarks to women delivering in all sorts of appalling conditions, as long as their babies survived.

Yes, I've cherrypicked comments, but the attitude and tone that hit me from your posts overshadowed any sensible suggestions you have made. You have relied heavily on your own experiences to form your perspective while dismissing the perspectives of others, many of which have also been born of experience.

You seem to think that caring about anything else besides having a healthy baby is self-indulgent and missing the point of birth. Surely one of the main things to consider wrt childbirth is that is a different experience for each woman involved, despite the biological process being pretty much the same for all?

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