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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think not everyone has someone to look after DCs whilst they give birth????

275 replies

deliakate · 18/03/2011 15:25

For one reason or another, the two close friends we've made in this area since moving here 20 months ago are not going to be in a position to take DS (20 months) for as long as is needed whilst I give birth this May. I feel really embarrassed as have no family nearby that would do it either. So we are a bit stuck. He can go to our elderly neighbours, but not to sleep, and I know labour has a habit of going on all night sometimes!

Could we take DS to the hospital with us? And have him sleep in buggy somewhere? When he was born, I was moved into HDU, and there were about 10 medics in there, so he would have to have been outside the room. Would they even allow this?

What else can we do??? Surely we aren't the only ones in this position. Or is DH going to have to miss this birth?

OP posts:
omnishambles · 21/03/2011 15:18

Am going to avoid the bunfight that is going on but OP I would pay for a doula to be with you for the birth and have dh stay at home - unless he is really really good at supporting you through the birth.

A doula is the best option for birth generally I think.

The doula could go with you whenever you were going in, dh could call the far away relatives and come up when they arrived to see the baby or make it in time to see the birth.

gardeningmum05 · 21/03/2011 15:22

no family or support, had no 4 at home with other 3 asleep at home.great experiance, just great to have a cup at tea at home afterwards.
sod the family that cant be arsed..their loss

mathanxiety · 21/03/2011 15:41

Yellowstone, I think you're coming across as a tad tetchy and dismissive of the feelings of others. You have not been elected the judge of what constitutes the worst case scenario for other people, and it is really silly to tell other people they are over-reacting. The letters I-M-O are useful.

Yellowstone · 21/03/2011 16:02

OP I hope it goes well and you have a good birth.

mathanxiety I said habbibu was over-reacting to my comments about myredcardigan, not to her own situation. Please read the context.

The elected judge thing is just silly and doesn't really make sense. My point was very simple and I'm hardly a novice: great if DH can make it; still fine -provided the baby's fine- if he can't.

plopplopquack · 21/03/2011 16:56

Yellowstone
You said this:

But to be 'carrying around' the fact that your DH wasn't at the birth of your second child is seriously lame. Look at what other women on the thread have had to do and then ask yourself whether you should indulge.

and this:

but breaking your heart because your DH wasn't there! Carrying it around for years? Blimey, toughen up or what'll happen if something serious crops up?
It's all so wet.

Bit harsh love.

Yellowstone · 21/03/2011 17:20

Perhaps. That's your view and no doubt the view of lots of others as well. Mine is different.

But how did previous generations manage? They didn't all slump into depression by virtue of being alone. It's do-able, that was the message to OP. Just wrote it based on my experience of a few births, some deaths and hospital only support.

Given the abrasiveness of some posts I've seen on MN, I thought I was soft pedalling too! Oh well.

valiumredhead · 21/03/2011 17:39

Soft pedalling yellowstone! What are you like full force? Eeek! Grin

I think my most precious memory is when I was handed ds and dh kissed me. I completely understand wanting your partner there for the birth, it's not like just going to the dentist and having a tooth whipped out, is it?

mathanxiety · 21/03/2011 18:11

You still don't get to dismiss the opinions of others based on highly subjective criteria of what constitutes an appropriate response to something you said.

Previous generations relied heavily on Valium (aka 'mother's little helper').

valiumredhead · 21/03/2011 18:41

All swished down with a glass of Gin!

pgpg · 21/03/2011 18:50

My parents looked after ds1 for several weeks during difficult pregancy and birth of dd1. This was in their own home, many, many miles away from where I was. It was the only solution that seemed possible. I missed him terribly and couldn't decide whether it made me a terrible mother even though we couldn't find any other way of dealing with my prolonged hospitalisation. He has very vague memories of it - none of them troublesome as far as I know. My parents (both now dead sadly) regarded it as one of the highlights of their retirement - they found it very tiring but really loved having him. Might this be something the OP could investigate?

kerala · 21/03/2011 18:53

I just think its a sad reflection on our society that so many people seem to have so few childcare options at such a crucial time. Family shouldnt have to be the be all and end all option. Where we live now we seem to have fallen into an informal support network even after having lived here for 6 months or so there were at least 4 families I could have asked for help in extremis. Am sad this is so unusual.

mummytime · 21/03/2011 18:55

I would say get used to asking virtual strangers for help. Not necessarily close friends. I had to ask a second standby for my second, as my first SIL moved, then second's mother was terminally ill. People you meet at Toddlers are often prepared to step in.

It is important because you never know what might happen. Once I had to quickly find someon to look after my 2 kids while my DH was taken into hospital with meningitis.

Ormirian · 21/03/2011 18:57

"What else can we do???"

Well as you said 'we' I think the answer is obvious isn't it? Your partner stays at home and looks after DS.

BalloonSlayer · 21/03/2011 19:00

Reesie you sound like a fab Midwife Smile

Ormirian · 21/03/2011 19:04

Agree reesie, that sounds ideal but it might not be possible where the OP is.

kerala · 21/03/2011 19:06

I would ask acquaintances. Surely your DS has a few little friends at playgroup or there are local parents you chat to at the park or something? Often people are keen to help out - its very exciting having a role when someones having a baby. One of my best childhood memories is when two sisters stayed the night with us (how exciting!) while their mother had a baby and we all got to find out whether it was a boy or girl the next morning.

Yellowstone · 21/03/2011 22:10

maths and valium our mothers and grandmothers weren't all druggies and alchies.

Of course it's great to have a loving partner there, that's obv. the ideal. But when it's not possible, what to do then is the point of the thread. The thread isn't about should a partner be there or not, it's about the practicalities of what to do for the best if there's no-one else to care for the kids.

You were obv. lucky valium and can treasure the memory, not everyone is in that position.

I agree Reesie also sounds great. Midwives for all my eight have been great, fantastic support, except possibly the one who failed to notice the cord was wound around my little boys head (tbf my husband would have done no better). The last midwife I had took my mind off all pain by talking me through how she'd left her husband the night before and was in bits. Actually, she said she felt much better by the time my little girl was born, so I can't be all bad.

microserf · 21/03/2011 22:51

bit late to this thread op, but i really feel for you. we ended up paying lots of money for my mum to come over from the antipodes. very stressful, but worth it.

otherwise, doula is my next best option.

i hope you find a solution that works. i was heartbroken when dh had to leave 2 hours after DS's birth to check on DD, and the on-call midwife came in to give me a hard time about dh not being there. cow.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 07:34

maths and valium our mothers and grandmothers weren't all druggies and alchies.

No, but there was a high useage of 'mother's little helpers' as it was bloody hard just to man up and get on with it as you suggest.

Do you realise how harsh you are coming across in your posts Yellowstone?

Bonsoir · 22/03/2011 07:46

Either you employ somebody or your DH stays at home with your DS. It depends on how much spare cash you have.

Ragwort · 22/03/2011 07:47

I totally agree with kerala and mummytime - surely you have neighbours/aquantiances that you can build relationships with and I am sure most people will be happy to help out. So many people tend to lead such isolated lives these days and don't get involved with the community - I have moved three times very recently and have just had to make friends and get to know people. I am always delighted to help out if someone asks me - I have no family nearby and have to rely on friends/neighbours for help in emergency situations - its all part of living in a community.

Yellowstone · 22/03/2011 08:31

Valium I'm trying to leave the thread but honestly: you seriously believe our mothers and grandmothers guzzled valium and knocked back gin just because their DH's weren't present at the births of their DC? Bollocks.

Thing is, current expectations are now sky high and make some women sound self-absorbed if they can't have it all. The care of current children should come first, that's an acceptance of reality for some people, not harsh.

Nevertheless, I'm the same as Ragwort, always offer to step in if I can.

Bonsoir · 22/03/2011 08:35

"Thing is, current expectations are now sky high and make some women sound self-absorbed if they can't have it all. The care of current children should come first, that's an acceptance of reality for some people, not harsh."

Bonsoir · 22/03/2011 08:35

I agree with Yellowstone.

twilight3 · 22/03/2011 08:37

Yellowstone what happened to your little boy? Sad

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