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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emailing and children

388 replies

scatterbee · 18/03/2011 08:48

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

OP posts:
SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 21:41

I don't think to be honest you should be suggesting anything.

I think it has to be him.

But if you are going to suggest something, then I'd suggest posting, moving heaven and earth to turn up to contact as ordered by the court and not putting timescales on anything.

TandB · 19/03/2011 21:43

x-posted with several new posts.

No, no, no, no, no. He does not have the luxury of "caring too much" and finishing up doing nothing.

If he cares, he takes action. Anything else is just pretty words.

fivegomadinthelambingshed · 19/03/2011 21:44

But the ex isn't a saint which us why all the problems and I would back off as you have a totally confused 5 year old who has now been told that Daddy is not Daddy.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 21:45

Please look at this link www.communicationandconflict.com/Rescuer.html

This man is not your responsiblity.

cestlavielife · 19/03/2011 21:45

someone with panic attacks, stress, depression, overly "i want this from you" can be very scary for the children. i know - my exP is like this. Dc older and are able to express why they dont want to see him/talk to him etc.

he has to sort out his issues.

he had chance for fortnightly contact and this was changed to monthly for his own reasons.

it is nothing to do with gaps between contact - if there is good relationship then they will be happy to see him whatever the gap. if they have issues seeing him there are a host of reasons for this.

and stop blaming the ex

TandB · 19/03/2011 21:46

"But the ex isn't a saint which us why all the problems"

No. All the problems are down to someone making a catalogue of spectacular cock-ups and failing to live up to his responsibilities or to move heaven and earth to see his kids.

SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angrywoman · 19/03/2011 21:47

Sigh. You want to help him put it right? Forget it. He needs to be left to sort it himself. Having been in a similar situation to the ex in this story, I would guess she wonders what the hell you're doing with him and feels sorry for you/ both of you even. BUT this has all happened BECAUSE HE IS A S* DAD!!! The ex will have had to accept this and probably wishes he would miraculously change. She knows him well enough to guess he won't and is just relieved to have him at a safer distance from the kids and her.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 21:47

I will say it again.

My DP and I have been a couple about 6 months. He has no kids.

He told my DD he would pick her up from school on Wednesday. She goes to school about 200 yards from where he works. He was there far too early and had to sit in the car park for ages.

But he was THERE because he cares about her and he made her a promise.

That's what it's all about.

Kewcumber · 19/03/2011 21:48

your DP sounds like my father.

My DS is 5. He will not speak on teh phone for more than a minute of two and certinaly would have the patience or writing skills for email (possibly, just possibly with the assistance of a 7 year old). He couldn;t be less interested in what I have done with my day unless it involved something he is very interested in. Your DP sounds clueless about how to communicate with children. My fatehr sees my DS as someone who will listen and admire him and doesn;t have any understanding of the attention span and motication of a 5 yr old.

Added to which the driving drunk with his kids in the car being hours late bringing them back with her frantically trying to contact you having already made the decision to move away form his DC's effecticely making contact with his children VERY low down on his list of priorities in life, and not paying maintenance (not sure why? Does his Ex wife have the choice of not supporting them?) bodes badly for any co-operation from her if I'm honest.

I have told my Dad that if he persistantly makes contact with me, turns up when he says he will and makes the focus what DS would like rather than what my father would like then I will consider letting him meet DS.

If your DP is to stand any chance of having more successful contact with his child/children then he needs to put in a LOT of legwork. Interesting that his panic attacks are interfering with contact arrangements as this happened with a friends ex too... very irritating when you are managing to cope 99% of the time but your ex apparntly falls about in his 1%. I'm not suggesting its deliberate on his part but I can assure you having seen it first hand, it is very irritating.

SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiegeAndLief · 19/03/2011 21:49

scatterbee I think that's a very good idea - in my experience anyway ds is not much good at conversation but likes to show things, or sometimes my mum shows him things she thinks he will like. Maybe he could show them some new football cards he has and then post them or something, and they could show him when they have stuck them in the book..etc.

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 21:49

five do you mean not try and see the non bio son?

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 19/03/2011 21:51

why are you ignoring all the posts?

TandB · 19/03/2011 21:53

Either he considers himself the non-bio's child's father or he doesn't. If he considers himself as the father then he should be treating them exactly the same and making the same efforts for both of them. If he doesn't then he needs to concentrate on his child.

Although, to be honest, he is treating them both the same - pays for neither, rarely sees either.

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 21:55

winter im not ignoring all the posts. Im trying to answer to them all. Sometimes some of them are saying the same thing, so ive answered them generically.

OP posts:
Escallonia · 19/03/2011 21:56

re the phone no mix-up / dead phone issue ... if I were your DP's ex, and your number came up on my phone calling me, I would be mightily hacked off. I would not think to call you to sort out arrangements about my children, I would be going through him. I would be as mad as hell if you ever called me about anything to do with the children.

Don't you see? You are making things worse because you're in there prodding and fussing, you have to drive him to the contact centre, you're asking her to change the contact weeks for your convenience because of your job. This is not your role, this is down to your DP to sort out. The more you ask and call and get involved the more likely she is to back off from it all.

your DP has got to man up and you've got to stop pretending to yourself that he is great and would do this that and the other if only if only if only. If he can't do it himself that says it all really. Concentrate on building things back up with your DD - sounds like you have the right idea there at least.

SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 21:57

he sees himself as their dad. He was heartbroken at the non dad result. As i think ive said before it snowballed. He confronted the ex about it, then it all went nuts. She denied it at first, then he showed her the results, then she involved the bio dad, then he got removed from the birth certifcate. The CSA were notified that he wasnt the dad, he stopped paying, he asked for the money he had paid back, ex went nuts, it all went madness. I told him not to open that box, but he did!!

He was a student until recently so it was a nil assessment

OP posts:
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 21:58

Scatterbee - how old are the two of you?

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:00

Kewcumber He does deal better with older DC i think. His eldest is very like the ex which i think he also struggles with (both in looks and personality) The youngest tends to follow the lead of the elder so the tension there isnt helping

OP posts:
TandB · 19/03/2011 22:00

He asked for the money back that he had paid towards a child he had raised as his own? When his own biological child was still living in the same household and would be affected by any hardship?

Unbelievable.

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:01

He is 30 and i am 24

OP posts:
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:01

I cannot believe he asked for money back that he'd paid to a child he considers his own?

Unbelievable.