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AIBU?

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Original poster

Emailing and children

388 replies

scatterbee · 18/03/2011 08:48

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/03/2011 22:02

Scatterbee... Did I read right that you take your new DP to visits with your DD? When you said "We buy her a snack from the vendor afterwards", it made me wonder. If so, do you think that your DD appreciates having your DP there? I wouldn't. Hmm

As far as what your DP can do for his boys, I would have thought the answer was obvious... ask his ex. However little time she has for her ex, she sounds like a good and conscientious mother to her DSs and she would rather the contact be easier if only for their sake. She will certainly know what their latest interests are.

Your DH needs to ask though - not you. It's nothing to do with you and you will get her back up. If your DH is really serious about maintaining contact then he will do whatever it takes and not dismiss options out of hand.

I can appreciate that you're in a difficult position but quite frankly - if I were in your DP's position, there is nothing that would keep me from my boys, nothing.

TandB · 19/03/2011 22:02

[does double take over almost mirror x-post with itsnotgoingwelltoday!]

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:03

x-post with kungfupanda Grin

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:04

kungfu It was totally unreasonable - no arguement there. However his ex is extremely well off, so there is no hardship. Not trying to justify it though

OP posts:
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:05

You are lucky the ex is still prepared to facilitate any sort of contact tbh.

I don't know that I'd be so magnanimous in her shoes.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:05

I don't give a toss how well off his ex is - he has a moral obligation as well as a legal one to support his kids.

End of.

And since he's not doing that, he's a deadbeat dad in my opinion.

TandB · 19/03/2011 22:06

OK, good start. Something you are not justifying. There is an awful lot more that you need to stop making excuses for. He has failed, and is failing, these children badly. The best thing you can do for all of them is to keep telling him that until he gets his backside in gear and sorts himself out.

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:08

lying - Yes my DP comes too .. not all the time though. My DD knows him though. Its probably going to help reinforce the impression of what terrible people we are, but my DP was friends with my ex. She used to call him Uncle xxxxx

OP posts:
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:09

Scatterbee it's all a bit of a mess really isn't it?

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:11

its he was fulfilling his legal obligation - it was a nil assessment. As i said he did provide stuff when the DC were with us. Now they dont come, but he will reprovide when they start again. Hes now started trying to work from home doing computers... repairing them, levelling up characters on online games for people etc. When he starts to make money he will pay some to the ex.

OP posts:
kitbit · 19/03/2011 22:12

How old are you both, op?

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:12

its that must be the understatement of the year Smile

I know he sounds rubbish, but he isnt. He could do more i know that. But sometimes people need help.

OP posts:
Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:13

Hes 30 and i am 24

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 19/03/2011 22:13

"His eldest is very like the ex which i think he also struggles with (both in looks and personality) The youngest tends to follow the lead of the elder so the tension there isnt helping" Shock

OP - you arent dealing with 2 childrne here but 3. Are you sure he's 30 - have you checked his birth certificate?

I have every sympathy with the shock of finding that one of his childrn is not biologically his but just about every he has done since points in teh direction of extremely poor parenting.

He needs to go back to calling them frequently for 5 mins and having a quick chat about anything interesting they have done. If they are busy, suck it up, if they are distracted, suck it up, if they get bored quickly then suck that up too because thats what you do with young children whose lives have been turned upside down.

I initally thought their mother sounded a bit unreasonable over the whole non-bio thing but frankly after the story of the way he has behaved recent;y came out I htink she is a bloody saint for allowing him contact - because she is thinking of THEM and he isn't.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:14

Scatterbee as I said, he has a moral obligation, you don't need a court order to pay maintenance

But people need help, but there comes a point where no amount of help offered is going to work.

You can lead a horse to water and all that.

TandB · 19/03/2011 22:14

Seriously. Do you not get it? He has a moral obligation towards at least one of thise children. If he feels he should be providing then he should do so irrespective of whether they come and see him or not. He can't be a fairweather dad.

SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 19/03/2011 22:15

Oh God, it gets worse. I'll say it again. STAY OUT OF THE CONTACT ARRANGEMENTS. And tell DP to stay out of yours. I can't believe how fucking immature this whole situation is!

Please, for the love of God, listen to what people are telling you. You both need to work on the relationships with your own children, before you get involved in the lives of each other's children.

Please try to put these children first.

TandB · 19/03/2011 22:15

[wonders if she has developed a split-personality and is actually posting as itsnotgoingwell as well as herself]

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/03/2011 22:16

Scatterbee... Don't you see that everything has changed? You've turned your DD's world upside down and she's not sure of you or anything anymoe. :(

I have to admire your 'gung ho', 'made our bed and lie in it' attitude but inwardly I cringe at the decisions that you seem to have made so recklessly and thoughtlessly... why do you think your DD would ever want to see 'Uncle xxxx' that she loved and trusted when he's part of the reason she doesn't have her Mum at hom anymore? You say that your DD barely acknowledges you... do you really struggle to understand why?

I think you're going to badly regret your lack of focus and attention later on... and it will be far too late.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:16

Kungfupannda - Grin

Again!

Original poster
scatterbee · 19/03/2011 22:17

kewcumber I will suggest that to him. Ive said that even if they wont talk,just ringing tosay he isthinking about them is important. He can see the benefit of me doing it with my DD but he cant seem to out that into practice with his DD

scatter I know. He should be paying. Its just ..blah i dont even no anymore Sad

OP posts:
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 19/03/2011 22:18

The two of you are doing a fabulous job of screwing with the heads of and generally fucking up three children.

You honestly need to become a lot more mature and quickly.

SugarPasteFrog · 19/03/2011 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TandB · 19/03/2011 22:21

OK - here's a suggestion.

Instead of you asking for advice and making suggestions to him, why doesn't your DP sign up on MN and ask for advice himself. Best case scenario - he actually gets some helpful advice and puts it into practice. Worse-case scenario - he gets the spectacular verbal kicking that he deserves, ignores it, and you will know you are wasting your time.