Emailing and children

[scatterbee]

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

I think you should go on Jeremy Kyle to sort it out.

I am concerned about contact with my DD! I go to her dance lessons weekly. I ring her without fail each week at the time my ex tells me to. If she wont speak to me i just tell her i love her. I send her little things (hairbobbles, cards etc) I turn up to collect her when i am supposed to regardless of whether she will come or not. I am trying to put aside my issues with my ex. He has also recently, started trying (i think its his newwoman tbh) and we are going for family therapy rather than having a guardian. I still have a long way to go, but i will get there.

Scatterbee - really you need to step away from your partner's access to his child.

It is nothing to do with you. You were the OW (sorry I know you've all moved on but you were)

If I was the ex-wife I would not tolerate you being involved like you are.

if his phone had died, whos phone had the ex's old number on it?

You are both paying the price for having an affair and then moving in with each other, the children are young, hurt and confused, all of them inculding your DD.

Scatterbee I don't mean to seem like I'm having a go at you, I honestly think this man has suckered you in with his poor me the whole world is against me stories.

You sound like you are trying to do your best, but honestly it's not your business. He needs to do it, him, off his own bat, not you.

If he can't do it, or won't, then that's his loss. Sad but his loss.

is he still drinking?

Scatterbee the things you say you do for your dd he can easily for fir these dc himself.

Has it occured to you that (like your own ex) a lot of his reason for trying are because of you and to please you and you telling him it's what he should be doing and not because it's what he actually would do if you weren't there encouraging it.

He has to do this himself because he wants too. As others have said should step right back now. He has to be the one buying any stickers, football cards etc and sending them, not you. And he should be doing it because he thinks about it and wants too, not because you nag remind him and pop it in the letterbox yourself if he forgets...

Gilly - Thank you - theres some good ideas there. I like the idea of the football cards. Dont know if the ex already does them, but he can always do it as well.

Superheros the like - urm x-men, batman, superman and spiderman.

I have suggested to him that he write to her apologising for his mistakes, and asking if they can meet up and try and move past it all. I appreciate she will need some reassurances, and he (and I i suppose) need to give them to her

Ok, am too horrified by the drink driving and no child maintenance and bringing the kids back hours and hours late to comment..

But

My mum lives abroad and skypes the dcs regularly. Dd is 19 months and likes to see grandma doing silly things on the computer, but gets bored and wanders off when we are talking. Ds is 4 and not really into it - he occasionally comes by and says hello or shows her a toy, but basically doesn't want to talk to her. Funnily enough this is not because he doesn't love her or because I have told him she is horrible, but because he is 4.

And guess what, she understands it is because he is 4, and just keeps calling. Just like your partner should.

Scatterbee he should not be trying to meet up with the ex.

Fine words butter no parsnips.

Actions speak louder.

It's his actions that need to change, not words. Talk is cheap.

But if i dont push for it he wont do it. Not because he doesnt care, but because he cares too much iyswim?

He just procrastianates through it all, worrying about what to say and what to do and what might happen and he ends up doing nothing instead

Oh and for the millionth time - you do not need to give her any assurances.

Can you please try and take the advice you are being given to step back ?

Scatterbee - then hun he is making a choice. He is chosing not to do it. And he's a big boy and it's his choice.

Says it all really. But you won't/can't see it. for you.

choosing

So he:
cheated on his wife/girlfriend and moved in with OW (you), a woman who has a child who lives elsewhere?

dna tested one kid and took his name off the birth cert?

pays no maintenance?

moved away from the children?

got banned for drink-driving?

didn't turn up for agreed contact?

won't do anything unless his girlfriend makes him?

and you think he's a great guy and she should stop being hostile and let him have secret emails and webcams with children who quite understandably don't want to talk to him?

Liege Thats why DP originally suggested just leaving the webcam on when the DC were in. Not to spy on the ex,but because they could wander over and wave or he could make a comment on what they were doing. They lose interest very quickly so he thought that it being more in the background could work. They have their own playroom, so its not like he would see the exs house and all that stuff, just the DCs playroom. However i accept that seems to be a step too far, so ive suggested to him that he maybe asks for a 10 min time slot. If they will speak to him great if not, he can just talk gibberish to them or maybe having thought about what someone said further up the thread, he could do a game of something with them over the webcam? Maybe even the football cards gilly suggested he could buy!! Oh i like that idea. That would give him the interaction hes desperate for!

Scatterbee I think posting stuff to the kids is a good idea.

The webcam/emails idea I hope you have discounted.

But your partner needs to do it, with no prompting or pushing from you - it's not about whether YOU like the idea of football cards - it's about him not you.

Don't you see that?

itisnotgoingwell As i said i generally stay away from stuff direct with his ex, but i figured as i was instrumental about the stuff which was the final straw i should offer my apologies, but Ok i wont. I shall butt out! I just wanted to help

You honestly need to step back and let him do the interacting - and if he gets into a funk and doesn't do it, then he needs to face the consequences of his actions.

I get the feeling that this man has excuses and isn't very good at facing the consequences of what he does. But it isn't your fault or responsibility.

You aren't his rescuer.

You weren't instrumental about the stuff that was the final straw - he was by not being sensible about drinking and his phone.

I know what you mean, i really do, but he was there for me when i was in pieces about my DD, and i was never as bad as he is! I just dont want him to do nothing because hes so down. His DSs will think he doesnt care and he does.

I am going to suggest that he leaves the webcam / emails for now. That he speands the next 6 weeks just posting stuff, see how that goes and then maybe ask about the SKYPE slot

Does that sound reasonable?

OP, your DP is in absolutely no position to be making any sort of demands upon his ex. I am not even going to comment on the private email and webcam suggestion as others have already been pretty succint on those suggestions.

Your DP is simply not trying hard enough. I did family law when I was training and I dealt with a lot of men like him - lots of whining about their rights and all sorts of wants and demands, but not much willingness to put themselves out at all. I also know someone like this personally and have the greatest difficult in not banging his head against the wall whenever he starts moaning about not seeing his kids after not bothering with them for weeks.

I am extremely dubious about your explanation as to why contact is in a contact centre - unless things have changed a lot since I did family law, contact centres are a last resort. But in any event, if contact is through a centre then the court/centre can be involved in discussions about a change of days and times to allow the fortnightly contact to continue. Telling the ex that it is "tough" is unbelievable. Why she hasn't turned round and said 'well you're not seeing them at all - tough' I don't know - perhaps she actually prioritises her children over her feelings about her ex.

Why is your ex not paying maintenance? Even if it is a minimal amount? Has the ex been to the CSA? I have never believed that contact should be dependant upon maintenance, but it does rather remove the moral high ground when your DP is not paying a penny towards these children.

Your DP needs to sort himself out - and you need to stop playing down his behaviour as "mistakes". The situation is entirely of his own making. He left his partner for another woman, removed himself from the birth certificate of one child, does not pay maintenance, got drunk in charge of the children, got stopped over the limit with them in the car, attacked his ex's partner, got banned from driving which contributed to the supervised contact he had slipping to monthly at which point he told his ex "tough".

The ex must be a saint to even entertain anything not directly ordered by a court. He needs to sort himself out sharpish otherwise his children will grow up with no relationship with him and no interest in him. I speak as someone who is only just establishing a very basic relationship with her father after 5 years of decreasing contact followed by another 17 of no contact.

A good starting point would be to train yourselves to stop blaming the ex for everything.