Emailing and children

[scatterbee]

Again after advice for my partner.

He is the NRP. He wants to set up an email address for his DC (5 & 7) so that they can email each other. He wants this private from his ex if possible. Also wants them to be able to instant message each other / web cam / skype if him and the DC are on at the same time.

She thinks hes unreasonable. That expecting them to email is daft. And that she has no objection to trying to webcam but it needs to be a set time, and its likely to be a brief moment before they race off, and she is not willing to have a webcam left on so he can see what they are playing / generally doing as thats an invasion of her house.

So Is he unreasonable?

But silverfrog the mum had the DP's number - so that's why I suggested swapping sim cards over?

Exactly what is a typical boy? My ds is a typical boy. He likes toy cars and wildlife, riding his scooter, climbing trees, making obstacle courses and dends in the garden, horrid henry books, and give him anything that is green and he'll be thrilled (crocks, t-shirt, drinking straw, lettered stickers to make his name with).
However he lothes football, fighting (pretend, guns, war games). He is not into batman/superman/pirates. Some would say he's not a typical boy, some would say he is.

Saying these dc are typical boys does not tell anyone what they are into or like. It gives you no lead in to finding stickers, postcards, comics etc that they may like.
So ask your OH what are his dc into?
What do they like to watch on tv - ben10, scoobydoo, numberjacks, disney films, power rangers, horrid henry, sponge bob...?
What toys do they like best - cars, action figures, craft type stuff, pretend guns and swords, computer games...
Do they like wildlife or running round waving swords sticks and yelling loundly?

Does he know these children at all? Or does he just assume that a 12rated film X-men is what they're into because he likes it so they must they're 'boys'

My new DP has no kids of his own.

He and I have been together about 6 months, although we've known each other longer (he was and is the family vet).

He would love to have a child of his own, and would move mountains for mine.

He counts it a privilege and honour that I have children and let him be a part of their lives.

He would go miles and miles for my kids without being asked.

They're not his kids, he doesn't pay maintenance for them as they aren't his, but he keeps his promises, he is there for them when he says he will be and he cares about them and demonstrates he cares.

Your partner does none of this even for his biological child.

yes, a good suggestion.

I am not sure I would have thought of it in the heat of the moment, and sims/phones may well have been locked.

I just don't like the jumping on every little detail in glee, to prove what a waste of space the man must be,

for all we know, it is the first itme his battery has run down, and could have been down to any one of a numbe rof things (I hae had my phone battery depleted unexpectedly overnight due to: leaving bluetooth connected, leaving the camera bit on, leaving the torch app on, oh a few other ways too)

if the mum had not let them know she had changed her mobile number, she is as much to blame that she was not contacted on that occasion. they tried - usingOP's phone. thye thought they had sent a message. it didn't arrive, as the number was obsolete - and they were suppose dot guess htis?

Dandy that's a good point - if my phone was dead I'd have hardly anyone's number because they are all in my phone

IMO 5 and 7 is fine to have an email account and to start emailing their father. Having SKyPe sessions with him is fine too.

However, this can't be private emails from their mum. Their mum needs to have access to their email accounts at such a young age and should be present when they are online. Similarly the SkyPe sessions should be supervised too. And definitely not jsut left on whilst they are not interacting with their faher.

I think no matter what the OP and her partner get criticized for there will be a reason/justification.

We didnt think we needed to swap the phones. We had sent a message saying sorry would be late back, and thought that was OK. Obviously as it was the wrong number she didnt get the message, she couldnt reach us and paniced.

Well last time i saw them, they liked superheros, football, climbing and digging for worms. They are more active than sitting still, and dont really do quiet!

OP, run away. Fast. And start giving your own DD more Big Love. He is sucking the life and laughter from you. both.

as I said, I am not defending the man, or the situation at all.

I just didn' want it to turn into a "leap on every little thing, turn it inside out and prove how useless he is" thread. it's not necessary - there are enough mistakes that have been made, and admitted to.

FWIW, I think scatterbee is getting an unecessarily hard time on this thread.

maybe they are being clueless about it all, maybe the ex is interfering with the contact (my own dh has been there doen that, sadly, as I mentioned earlier. it does happen)

but hse is here, being quite open about what has happened, and asking for ideas.

some posters have given ideas, and scatterbee has said she will suggest them to her dp.

he (and she) are trying.
maybe not hard enough, but it is a start.

You didn't not think

You were DRUNK AND HE WAS DRUNK

To be honest I am astounded that the pair of you still have contact of any sort.

I don't think you appreciate how far away from normal parenting you are.

Why are you getting involved with other people's children when you have a relationship to build with your own child? Your priorities are seriously weird!

However, i can accept that we are being unreasonable i guess, that is why i came on here in the first place.

DP has made some bad choices, i have never said he hasnt. I want to help him put it right.

Contact is now monthly. Maybe we could have handled it better / thought through more before it was changed, but its been changed now, so, i need to help him keep contact in the meantime.

So emails weekly - ex viewing. If no reply he just keeps sending anyway. Butmaybe postcards or stickers or magazine would be better. More exciting?

Webcam / Skype - Time to suit DPs ex, for however long kids speak again weekly, or ask for SKYPE to be on at set times each day, if no answer fine, he tries again some other time.

Do you think it would be OK to ask for maybe if he could come see one of their activities? Their kung fu for example? This is something i am trying with my DD, which isnt great atm but she does acknowledge me, and we tend to buy her a snack from the vendor after.

I would guess the contact has been upgraded to supervised because he has drink and violence/temper issues.

The best thing you can do scatterbee is stop making excuses for this man and stop enabling his behaviour.

I've said it before I'll say it again, my advice would be step away from his contact with his child and worry about your own.

Thank you silverfrog.

scatterbee you are in a situation where this man's contact with his children has to be supervised in a contact centre.

You have to accept that there are good reasons for this and that your partner will have to prove he has changed for this to move forward and change.

Judges don't make supervised contact without a good reason.

Going to the kung-fu I honestly think would be a bad idea. Contact was made supervised for a reason - howzabout you actually try doing what the court ordered for a while and then move forward when you have that court ordered contact working a bit better?

yes we were given the mobile number. It was in DPs phone. I thought i had updated it in mine, but I hadnt. The fault for that lies squarely with me NOT DP

Oh - does your partner have to stay away from his ex?

I can't remember the name but is there an order in place prohibiting him from going to her house/being within so many feet of her?

scatterbee this man did have the right number, it's not your responsibility or fault.

It is his fault for letting his phone go dead on an access weekend when he was supposed to be in charge of his kids.

Well ok ideas he can send them now we know somethign about them...
He can get them a football card collectors book. Then every week send them a pack of cards to go in the book.
My ds collects gogo crazy bones. Again easy enough to get them a collectors sticker book and send them a 99p packet of gogos every so often.
If they like bugs/worms he could get them thinkgs like this
www.online-sweets.co.uk/milk-chocolate-slugs-p-2115.html
www.yellowmoon.org.uk/product-Insect-Temporary-Tattoos-K327.htm
www.bakerross.co.uk/product-Design-Your-Own-Bug-Habitat-NK599.htm
Any any number of sticker books, fun facts, pictures etc on the subject

Superheros again what kind - once you narrow this down a it more your OH will find lots of things they may like if he thinks about it