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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a 'title'

437 replies

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 14/03/2011 12:51

I'm married but hate it on forms or anything really (especially professionally) where I have to state a title. I don't like the way I'm judged and perceived when I say Mrs (misogynistic industry and I'm quite young) but I'm not a Miss and again feel judged and decide upon when I put Ms.

Does anyone else get like this? Why can't the title field be optional?

Sorry this isn't a more interesting thread than the title suggests - I ought to be contemplating a damehood really!

OP posts:
ThisIsANiceCage · 16/03/2011 13:01

And how does your employer feel about your prejudicial approach, Jordan?

majordanjarvis · 16/03/2011 13:01

ThisIsANiceCage - what employer? I run and own my own business.

Now who's making assumptions??! Grin

Prunnhilda · 16/03/2011 13:02

Nice wind-up going on here Grin

faxittome · 16/03/2011 13:04

Major, how would you feel about a man if he refused to tell you his marital status when asked. Would he still be in the running for the job?

Patsy99 · 16/03/2011 13:04

At least Major's made crystal clear why legal requiremeents shouldn't be lifted for small businesses.

NotFromConcentrate · 16/03/2011 13:05

Major: "A woman wilfully seeking to create confusion over her marital status"

Is that sexist speak for a woman who dares make her own choices? Seriously, wilfully seeking to create confusion? You must be very easily confused. I also wonder precisely what a womans marital status has to do with your, your company or her ability to do her job.

Prunnhilda · 16/03/2011 13:06

YOU ARE BEING WOUND UP
Stop biting!

majordanjarvis · 16/03/2011 13:07

faxittome - I wouldn't be in the least bit interested in his marital status - just as I'm not interested in a woman's marital status. What does concern me is the level of angst she suffers - to such an extent that she feels the need to 'rebel' against convention and adopt the term, "Ms". This need in her tells me a lot about her, about her happiness in life, her ability to get on with people, her demand to be accorded a level of respect that may be well above that which her talents and skills warrant.

ViolaTricolor · 16/03/2011 13:09

You're quite right, P, I typed too soon. La la la la la.

ullainga · 16/03/2011 13:11

Jordan I have never been to a wedding where bride's father is asked if he is giving her to be wed. People still actually do that?

and about A woman wilfully seeking to create confusion over her marital status - that is exactly the point, why should she even tell her potential employer anything whatsoever about her marital status? None of your business. Or you think it should be?

I don't even dare to ask what happens if a woman identifies her as Professor or Doctor..

ullainga · 16/03/2011 13:15

Prun, but I really want to know now how this hypothetical employer would react to a CV by Dr Jane Doe. Is that confusing about her marital status as well or can we safely assume that a female Dr is not married anyway? Or should women not be allowed to use such titles that give no info about the most inmportatn thing in a woman's life - is she married or not?

prettybird · 16/03/2011 13:22

It has corssed my mind that MDJ might be a wind-up. If he's not though, I sure had heall wouldn't want to work for him. His antiquated attitudes would be more trouble than it was worth.

FWIW, in resposne to his points, I am not (a) undecided as to where I belong in life - I have always ben very clear; I am not (b) unwilling to commit - I have been married for 12 years, and with dh for 17 years (not that it is any business of yours) and (c) I don't think my employers would ever have thought I was "a bit more trouble than she is worth" (because my use of "Ms" was not something that ever impinged on work life). They were more appreciative of the £12 million deals that I won for them which not only brought in good up-front revenue but also "paid" for the infrastructure that allowed other high-margin deals to be won. My ability to work with and scross multi-functional teams in order to set-up and (even more importantly) deliver those deals was also highly valued.

However, he would probably have had to expose his prejudice as he wouldn't have "rejected" my application and would have assumed I was male until he met me.

ThisIsANiceCage · 16/03/2011 13:47

Oh he's on a wind-up - but I also think he really does think like this.

And as Patsy says, it's really important to remind ourselves that people like this exist and the legislation is still necessary.

prettybird · 16/03/2011 13:59

Good point. :)

I must just be fortunate to only ever have encountered reasonable people (of every political and business persuasion). Maybe I just know instinctively how to spot and avoid the bullshitters. But not everyone is so fortunate.

ThisIsANiceCage · 16/03/2011 14:06

Actually, Ma Jordan, do you find your beliefs about this are normal in the field you work in?

Very interested to hear what that field would be - I wonder if building trade, accountancy and travel agency would all have the same attitudes.

Mshappy · 16/03/2011 14:11

Jordan, your attitude is one of the reasons that women do not wish to reveal marital status on CVs & application forms. Furthermore nobody is legally obliged to reveal their marital or family status when applying for jobs in th UK.

Original poster
GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 16/03/2011 14:13

I'm really sad I didn't stand up to the embryonic idea I had in the whirlwind 6months before wedding not to keep my surname as a 'middle' name so Ms MaidenName DHName and to carry on the tradition with my DS. I blame being young and easily influenced when I got married.

Think I was convinced because I read if I wanted to do anything other than JUST keep my middle name or JUST change to DH's surname I'd have to do it by deedpoll and pay to do it rather than it being done for free on marriage certificate. I think I remember reading as well that if DH wanted to change his name to mine and me to keep mine as it was, he'd also have to pay via deedpoll to get it changed. I might be wrong though...

OP posts:
CrystalStair · 16/03/2011 14:25

I don't care what anyone uses. I use my name and surname without a title. If pushed I use something like 'Wing Commander' or 'Reverend Mother'. But not bothered about Miss/Mrs/Ms. I find Ms irritating because either you are married or you aren't. The fact that men are just Mr doesn't matter to me. How dull for them to have so little choice, poor fellows.

prettybird · 16/03/2011 14:34

Men's options for chanign names officially

The UK Deed Poll Service seems less hidebound than Majordanjarvis Wink

Intrestingly, it would appear that it is not the Passport Office or other government agencies that would need a formal deed poll, as they would accpet the marriage certificate as "evidence" for a man chaging to his wife's name - but non govenrment organisations that might be awkward buggers have difficulties.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 16/03/2011 14:46

you can call yourself whatever you like at any time, so just add it back in if you like. No problem.

Original poster
GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 16/03/2011 14:49

but once you've got it changed on your marriage certificate, wouldn't you have to go through deedpoll to change again? So, you WOULDN'T need deedpoll to change your passport? what about the bank? I remember having to send in marriage certificate originals etc

OP posts:
prettybird · 16/03/2011 14:56

Depends for what purpose you are changing it. Have a look at that link: it also includes what women can or need to do.

Original poster
GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 16/03/2011 15:26

cheers for that (hope this hasn't killed the thread but was getitng a bored by the windups)

OP posts:
beautyspot · 16/03/2011 15:37

It's a fallacy about deed polling. I changed my first name eons ago (yes my first name). It was very simple to do - can't remember the details but seem to remember just producing certain documents in my new known name.

Maybe it's not quite so easy now; times change.

valiumredhead · 16/03/2011 15:46

I would say it is a term used predominantly by trendy lefties girls

Trendy? Errrrrr nope!

Leftie? Errrrrr nope!

What ARE you on about Worcester? Confused