Who'd like to nominate their worst heart-sinking dismal crappy plotline in a children's book or TV series?

[BalloonSlayer]

You know the sort where you wonder who, just WHO are they employing to come up with these things, and you seethe because you could do SO much better AND you would be able to call yourself "a writer" at parties and people would be all impressed and that.

My nominees are.

Little Red Tractor video.

The TV breaks down. So two ADULTS decide that what they'll do instead is put on a show.

Yeah. Because when our TV breaks down, DH and I reject all of the following potential courses of action:

• Getting out the one from the other room
• Calling a repair man
• Going to Tescos to get another one
• Reading a book
• Having a conversation
• Having sex*

In favour of singing and dancing for each other, perhaps even juggling.

Please, has anyone ever in the history of history put on a show because their telly won't work?

• Disclaimer. The children might have been wanting to watch telly in this episode so maybe sex is not a suitable option in this case

Nominee Two

Thomas the Tank Engine Book - Jeremy (the Jet Engine)

"The Children" - that amorphous mass who must never be disappointed on the Island of Sodor - are having a picnic. Oh NO - it starts to rain!! The picnic will be RUINED! Does anyone say "Oh it's nowt but a bit of rain, it won't kill you." ? Of course not. It's a disaster.

Thomas steams to the rescue. Good old Thomas! What does he do? Takes them to Jeremy's hangar and they have their picnic in there.

So on what planet is having a picnic in an aircraft hangar a) safe or b) pleasurable? Why can't they eat their sandwiches in the train?

I take my DCs on days out and pay good money for them to eat their lunch in the carriage of a steam train.

Further nominations welcome.

Baroque....., one doesn't need to endure read Chicken Licken more than once to remember it verbatim to grand old age.
It seems, sadly, that vast majority of childrens books/television programmes are utter rubbish.
It would be easier - and more interesting - to list the ones that are fantastic.
I shall nominate Moomin saga and anything by Astrid Lindgren to start.

oh my word, I had forgotten that Mole book!!!! I agree that gets the prize

The Mole is fabulous! It fulfills so much of your average DCs interest in poo!

All the different types of turds..the offended mole's determinaton to uncover the mystery crapper...it's FAB!

calamity kate - was it krtecek? <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=3.bp.blogspot.com/_ieoqawNMnMc/TKn0Z6_ON4I/AAAAAAAACbo/IPI6PqVUDpM/s1600/krtek12.jpg&imgrefurl=praguemylove.blogspot.com/2010/10/krtecek-little-molea-beloved-childrens.html&usg=__akWGYIXwhsnhBuJkVgBhbY6AoVc=&h=450&w=450&sz=61&hl=en&start=0&sig2=dHzOvokdqwEhAa4yYxMLjw&zoom=1&tbnid=Ce7vdByAy9AwyM:&tbnh=162&tbnw=160&ei=cj9_TarWIMiKhQfGnIipBw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dkrtek%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DX%26biw%3D1296%26bih%3D1051%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=rc&dur=344&oei=cj9_TarWIMiKhQfGnIipBw&page=1&ndsp=31&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:0&tx=99&ty=63" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">little mole we love him - got all the DVDs, and DS is obsessed with a book about him and a baby rabbit at the moment - although as it's in czech, it's not my favourite book to read to him, and I make a lot of it up. The cartoon is shown most days on czech tv - they have a lovely children's tv show called Vecernicek (literally means 'little evening boy'), which is normally a 5-10 minute cartoon from the 70s, shown at 6.45pm. It signals bedtime :o

the little mole who knew it was none of his business is great :o I'm going to get an english version one day so I can actually read it, but again, we've only got the czech one.

Grandpa in my Pocket irritates and disturbs me in equal measure. the family all need a good slap, especially the toothy tosspot who seems to be the lead character. Am I alone in thinking that an old man climbing into a young boy's pocket is a little, erm, wrong? And the sister, who must be in her teens, is a prize twit too - there was one recently where grandpa 'climbed into her carousel', and it just didn't sound right.

Octonauts - nothing ever fucking happens. Ever.

the tweenies freak me out (was it Charlie Brooker who described them as multicoloured teratomas?)

and the Zingzillas always prompt me to switch off, so I've no idea quite how badly put together the plot line is.

I love the mole who knew it was none of his business, but the dc's hate it.

My personal hate is 'Hit the Ball Duck'. Basically a load of animals try and have a nice game of rounders but Duck keeps throwing the ball/bat/everything else in the tree. And they still play with him! Why????

Oh slug I love that book! And I don't even have any children

This thread is making me larf. It's the sheer level of hatred I can feel coming from everyone towards non existent beings. Particularly Thomas the WankEngine. Keep it coming.

PMSL at that Mole book. Sounds hilarious, who comes up with this stuff?

My Grumpy!! DS got it in a party bag, I read it that night and it has 'disappeared' now as Mr Grumpy was annoyed at Mr Happy so he just kicked him out of the way!

He is violent to other Mr Men too. Shocking story, particularly to an impressionable 2/3 year old. DS still asks for it now.

Loathe the Mr Men show too. Mr Rude shoved everyone over on the escalator because he wanted to get past them. Great messages to our children there.

Oh and any episode of Tommy Fucking Zoom!! Dire programme.

Bananas In Pj's - why bother???

Bloomin Fairy books - same story, differently named fairy.

I offered to bundle them up now DD is 9 and way past them but no,m she wants to keep them for when she's a mummy to give to her daughter You can see how siciety has changed in the last 20 yrs; I gave her Heidi and Black Beauty that were mine from when I was a little girl and she passes on Fairy Books - some heirloom

Oh and that programme with Crabby what's-his'name??

Ph Captain something??? The one with scantily clad girls in waitress outfits and Captain whatever he's called acting like a prize-knobbler

And Dave and Carries Pop thing - load of crap rubbish.

Angelina Ballerina - two main plot lines.

Dad is always sat porkily in front of the fire, reading his newpaper and smoking his pipe, doing naf all to help out with the hundreds of prancing mouslings knocking over Mum's baking in the kitchen. Mum gets stressed and asks for Dads advice, which always solves everything.

Angelina goes ice skating/plays in the park/goes fishing/in the school playground/trying to practice for a ballet competition. 2 or 3 nasty boy mouslings come along and spoil everything. Angelina puts on a show and the boys join in and see that actually girls are ok after all!

Almost as bad as The Famous Five for gender stereotyping.

Has anybody mentioned the boring and sexist Mr Benn. he has quite rightly not been on the screens for a while

And why is Angelina naked but to dance ballet she puts on a tutu?

Another whoopee for the poo-fetishist Little Mole here. It's great to read aloud if you are immature as me tolerant of lavatorial humour and like blowing rasperies.

Has anyone else had to endure the MiniBugs books by Jessica Spanyol? (Bob and his Number 1 Van, Keith and his Super Stunt Rally Racer). How they ever made it to publication is beyond me! Unf*ing bearable!

I'm now in love with The Story of the Little Mole who Knew it Was None Of His Business

That's the MOTHER in the bear hunt?!!! I thought it was a dad and his four children. No way

It's the dad and children surely?

Have had long discussions with kids about how the bear in Bear Hunt just wanted to be friends and looked lonely (and one 6 year old whose comment was "well they went hunting for a bear and when they found one they ran away which was a bit silly wasn't it?").

I could also cheerfully beat Lola (of Charlie and...) to death with a blunt piece of broccoli to be honest.

Animal Ark books - mainly for the fact that they are written to a formula. Thought they were written by "Lucy Daniels"? Nope, that's just a name to make the books look like they are from the same person, they are churned out by trained chimps a writing team.

I love how this thread has evolved from heart-sinking plotlines to just general hating on crap kids' media. Especially as it gives me the perfect place to vent my enormous spleen over Waybufuckingloo. The breathy voices! The babytalk! ('thinkapow' makes me want to KILLLLLLLLLLLLL) The fucking awful stage school kids with their two loops of prerecorded voiceovers and endless, listless leaping. And the inherent sexism of the piplings themselves: boys build stuff and play upbeat music, girls garden and paint pictures, and the girls CAN'T FUCKING ROAR, they just go 'ruhhhhhhh' like a pair of fucking wimps.

One day I will force the animators to make my fantasy episode, one in which all the piplings are found by the jolly Cheebies and promptly sprout fangs and claws before eating the children and wearing their skins.

aStarWithHerOwnWays I agree. I started a very therapeutic thread about it a while ago - Waybuloo, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

And apparently the kids are dubbed as they are Scottish. I kid you not.

Minx I am wondering if your DC go to the same nursery as mine as DS1 always says at the end of us reading Bear Hunt 'the bear just wanted to be their friend didn't he?' which I think the staff at nursery had used to explain why the bear looked so despondant and to make the bear less scary And yes, it is the dad and 4 children isn't it?? No mum's in that story???

Totally agree about Mr Grumpy too - I cringe when I read it to DS1 as he kicks, rips pages out of books etc - so it is always read with a caveat of 'DS1, you do know that it is wrong to rip pages out of books/kick people don't you?'

Am loving the sound of the Mole book - I think I need to buy that just for sheer entertainment value

DD3 had a Waybuloo talking Lau-Lau for Christmas - I think it's supposed to be saying "Lau Lau loves sparlky" but DH heard it as "Lau Lau loves Barclays" which now irritates the hell out of me (I worked there for 16 years!)