Who'd like to nominate their worst heart-sinking dismal crappy plotline in a children's book or TV series?

[BalloonSlayer]

You know the sort where you wonder who, just WHO are they employing to come up with these things, and you seethe because you could do SO much better AND you would be able to call yourself "a writer" at parties and people would be all impressed and that.

My nominees are.

Little Red Tractor video.

The TV breaks down. So two ADULTS decide that what they'll do instead is put on a show.

Yeah. Because when our TV breaks down, DH and I reject all of the following potential courses of action:

• Getting out the one from the other room
• Calling a repair man
• Going to Tescos to get another one
• Reading a book
• Having a conversation
• Having sex*

In favour of singing and dancing for each other, perhaps even juggling.

Please, has anyone ever in the history of history put on a show because their telly won't work?

• Disclaimer. The children might have been wanting to watch telly in this episode so maybe sex is not a suitable option in this case

Nominee Two

Thomas the Tank Engine Book - Jeremy (the Jet Engine)

"The Children" - that amorphous mass who must never be disappointed on the Island of Sodor - are having a picnic. Oh NO - it starts to rain!! The picnic will be RUINED! Does anyone say "Oh it's nowt but a bit of rain, it won't kill you." ? Of course not. It's a disaster.

Thomas steams to the rescue. Good old Thomas! What does he do? Takes them to Jeremy's hangar and they have their picnic in there.

So on what planet is having a picnic in an aircraft hangar a) safe or b) pleasurable? Why can't they eat their sandwiches in the train?

I take my DCs on days out and pay good money for them to eat their lunch in the carriage of a steam train.

Further nominations welcome.

What about when Susan doesn't get to be there in the end of the Narnia books because she got interested in 'lipstick and invitations'.

Read the Just So stories - brilliant, ahhhh

Ah yes Thomas - idea good in theory but every tale is about not getting above yourself.

So the moral of alot of children's books is - be like everyone else, especially your social peers and don't get ideas above your station or you will be punished.

This applies in particular if you are a girl getting ideas above your station (Katy ... she's a feisty lass - a nice spine injury will sort her out for being so daring)

Disney. Everything by It. [boak]
Horrid Henry. The author should be drawn and etc.
Dennis the Menance. (author should join the one above)
Power Rangers.

Numberjacks really is utterly pointless. And it's always at the beach or a depressing-looking cafe.

Oh god, Hug.

Otherwise known as 'there will be no interspecies hugging - do not attempt to hug outside the established conventions - there is no fulfillment in life without hugging but it must be hugging that we approve of'.

We got it in our bookstart pack, I wonder if we could get the equality commission to object to it being included on anti-diversity grounds?

Everything involving Biff & Baff & Fucko in the Oxford Reading Tree stories. They are utterly incoherent in terms of plot and manage to make things like pirate ships and haunted castles boring.

Little House in the Big Woods/Prairie/Sterile Wasteland because Pa slaughtered, ate or fur traded all the local wildlife then moved on to Ma's perpetual refrain of "Put on your corsets, girls, don't expect anything for Christmas, and never forget the only good Indian is a dead one."

Going on a Bear Hunt, so so irritating beyond belief and sad at the end with that picture of the bear walking off into the sea with his shoulders all hunched , even dd says it "he just wanted to be their friend didn't he mummy?"

Know it's an old one but find the whole goosey loosey, henny penny, ducky lucky one a bit macabre too...

In fact i don't like any Michael Rosen/Oxenbury books, I find the illustrations really creepy..

Oh God yes! Bear hun was crap!

Also those annoying Daisy books by Kes Grey and Nick Sharrat!

They're ok but EVERY thing that the Mother says ends in "Explained Mum"

"I wasn't talking with my mouth full, I was blowing on my food"

Explained Mum.

AAAGH!

Panzee...the Numberjacks cafe IS depressing isn't it!

That's because the producers spent all the budget on the crap animation so there was nothing left for sets or real actors.
All the humans are provided by extra's agencies..note how they neve speak!

at Biff, Baff and Fucko!

Dh bought dd1(3) a book from the library called grandma's gloves. By the second page I realised the grandma was going to die but it was too late to stop. I know these books are useful for dealing with death but really they should come with a warning!

I am freaked out by the Henry in a tunnel story, that sounds horrific.

I bloody hate Little Charlie Bear, I want to punch him.

stillfrazzled, we also have Zaza's baby brother. My dds are now 7 and 5 but they still have a soft spot for that book and refuse to let me give it away. The little details in the illustrations are good though - did you notice that granny zebra has grey stripes instead of black ones?

YYY to Mr Men. Always take ages to read and with the odd exception in some of the early ones: Tickle, Topsy-Turvey, they are all the same. Mr Funy/Nonsense/Silly/Daft/Stupid ad infinitem.

Most tedious being Mr Lazy who is forced to get off his arse and do some work and exercise by two Biig Brother type agents, but luckily it's all a dream.

Also Angelina Ballerina who is a spoilt little madam and seems to go into Mousey-Meltdown when ever she doesn't get the lead in a show and also How to Catch a Star. He doesn't catch a star, it's a starfish. Not even similar and I don't like the stupid illustrations that everyone raves about nor the fact that the authors picture is of him as a small boy. Twee and over rated.

My heart sinks when DS wants me to read it. Plummets.

I was forewarned about the Thomas the Tank engine books.My sister was a nanny and warned me never to let them in the house.Somehow one got in and it was the bricked up tunnel one.I was and disposed of it.

I vote for Barbie 'princess' type books.They retell classic fairytales in a sickly sugary way,I used to dread reading them.

Susan doesn't end up in the "real Narnia" at the end of The Last Battle because she wasn't on the train when it crashed and killed her brothers and sister.

Also she is not interested in Narnia any more - she is described as "no longer a friend of Narnia". It is not just her disinterest in Narnia that means she is not part of the group meeting at the Professor's house, but that she is interested in "nothing except nylons, lipsticks and invitations". Ie - "nothing except" - ie no interest or belief in Narnia, and furthermore still alive in the England that is continuing. It doesn't mean she won't come to Narnia one day. She is not "excluded from heaven" - she is still alive and considers Narnia to be a silly pretend game. That may change or may not, and no-one knows what happens when she dies because Lewis ended his story with the characters who were focused on Narnia, not those who weren't. This discussion The Problem of Susan by children's author RJ Anderson and this very good essay here Lipstick on My Scholar by Andrew Rilstone are explorations of the misunderstanding of the end of The Last Battle.

I always hated the Chicken Licken story - tedious beyond words, and The Elephant & the Bad Baby, and Don't Forget the Bacon: that last one you only need to read the title and you know how agonising it's going to be.

I sent my Mr Men books to another Mumsnetter.

I hate reading books about ducks.Why write about ducks? They are pretty dull creatures who spend half their time with their arses in the air.Why would they make a good story?

God yes, Mr Men books - bizarre! Not fussed on Eric Carle either. Lovely illustrations but badly written.

I hate reading a Dora or Deigo book as it is almost impossible to do without affecting a whiney voice

"who do we have to ask when we don't know which way to go?' Ahhhh feck off. Also Swiper is a right git.

Enormous Turnip (and several similar copycat books with other large root vegetables). Even as a child, I couldn't see how one person holding another, another, another etc would actually add any advantage to the pulling effort.

What Katy Did - simperingly kind Cousin Helen who is permanently wheelchair bound teaches Katy how to be a right little Pollyanna (there's another one) then lo and behold as soon as Katy is nice again her spinal injuries heal and she's up and about but oh so much nicer. Moral - if you're a cow you won't get better, and if you are a wheelchair user you have to be nice all the time and never allowed to be a grumpy mare.

I remember a little cartoon years ago called "The Mole". I think it was Polish or something. Anyway the titular Mole had a lolly, and bees came along and stuck to it, and ended up flying off with it and the Mole cried. I sobbed my eyes out at that for MONTHS.

Percy The Park Keeper - gorgeous illustrations but makes a painful, painful reading.