Who'd like to nominate their worst heart-sinking dismal crappy plotline in a children's book or TV series?

[BalloonSlayer]

You know the sort where you wonder who, just WHO are they employing to come up with these things, and you seethe because you could do SO much better AND you would be able to call yourself "a writer" at parties and people would be all impressed and that.

My nominees are.

Little Red Tractor video.

The TV breaks down. So two ADULTS decide that what they'll do instead is put on a show.

Yeah. Because when our TV breaks down, DH and I reject all of the following potential courses of action:

• Getting out the one from the other room
• Calling a repair man
• Going to Tescos to get another one
• Reading a book
• Having a conversation
• Having sex*

In favour of singing and dancing for each other, perhaps even juggling.

Please, has anyone ever in the history of history put on a show because their telly won't work?

• Disclaimer. The children might have been wanting to watch telly in this episode so maybe sex is not a suitable option in this case

Nominee Two

Thomas the Tank Engine Book - Jeremy (the Jet Engine)

"The Children" - that amorphous mass who must never be disappointed on the Island of Sodor - are having a picnic. Oh NO - it starts to rain!! The picnic will be RUINED! Does anyone say "Oh it's nowt but a bit of rain, it won't kill you." ? Of course not. It's a disaster.

Thomas steams to the rescue. Good old Thomas! What does he do? Takes them to Jeremy's hangar and they have their picnic in there.

So on what planet is having a picnic in an aircraft hangar a) safe or b) pleasurable? Why can't they eat their sandwiches in the train?

I take my DCs on days out and pay good money for them to eat their lunch in the carriage of a steam train.

Further nominations welcome.

Oh madamdeathstare, I just reread seven little Australians, but had to stop just before the tree. I just can't deal with that much angst anymore.

Not for preschoolers, but the Lemony Snickett(sp)? novels. Just when you think it cannot possibly get more bleak, it does.

They are about orphan siblings whose parents have been murdered and they are then constantly stalked by the man who is after their inheritance. This results in death after death of all the key people that these poor children come to love and depend upon.

Why would anyone think that is a good idea for children's stories?

these are making me chuckle - always thought jemima puddle duck was odd.. but suppose children kind of need to realise that eggs are baby chicks...

agree the bricking up of Henry was odd too - but isnt the bigger question, of all the Thomas stories/tv shows - why do the drivers allow the engines to be silly/go too fast/ go the wrong way/ collect the wrong loads/ annoy cranes/ those drivers just stand on the track, puzzled when the train falls over/ uncouples incorrectly/ fire goes out after splashing puddles...

"Has anyone read Beatrix Potters 'The Tale of Mr Todd'?

It's like an episode of Criminal Minds."

Oh yes poor Henry! What a scary and cruel story that is.

A lot of the Thomas stories are nicked from other people as well.

"Thomas comes to Breakfast" I think is nicked from the film "The Titfield Thunderbolt." And the one where the bedridden lady waves her dressing gown out of the window is straight from the Railway Children. How he got away with it I can't understand.

My Dad met Rev Adwry and said he was not a nice man at all (paraphrased). I expect that this may have had something to do with the fact that my Dad was that certain type of railway enthusiast whose opening conversational gambit was probably "a 1946 2-4-4 loco from Crewe works would never have had that number of rivets on its boiler, you should do your research better, mate." I can imagine the late Reverend harbouring deeply unChristian feelings after a few meetings with the likes of my Dad.

I am thoroughly glad that the Thomas years are over. They did drag.
I once bought a collection of the original books for a fiver. I was very pleased before I realised that they were cruel and unreadable. They were very 'Know Your Level and Don't Get Above It' weren't they?

God I LOVED Seven Little Australians. A real blub fest. Poor Judy.

Not really a crappy plotline, but I absolutely hate the bit in Can't you Sleep Little Bear where it says

'Big Bear is the Big Bear and Little Bear is the Little Bear.'

I mean no shit, Sherlock.

The DSs always looked at me like when I read that line.

It's not cute. It's stoopid.

I arrived too late to nominate Charlie and fuckingannoyingmakesmetwitchLola. Another nominee from me would have to be Barney the bastard dinosaur and his two friends BJ and babybop and a revolving cast of thousands of stage school children. It was the worst thing I ever did buying DD a Barney video. She fell in love with a boy called Derek (his real name was something else) and we ended up with around 30 DVDs in our efforts to track down more Derek. We ended up with four IIRC.

Seven little Australians sounds horrendous!

DCs have got nits at the moment and I was remembering one of those narrated European series from when I was little (along the lines of Belle and Sebastian or the Singing Ringing Tree, where the male narrator would tell you what people were saying: "Brigit said she hated Sacha. Sacha said she didn't care."). The main character had lovely long hair and she took her glamorous new hat to school. All the other children tried it on, including a child with nits. The next scene - the heroine has nits now and has to have all her lovely long hair cut off. It was so sad.

(Disclaimer - may have been fantasising about this as I combed conditioner through DD's lovely hair for the gazillionth time)

The most pointless, stupid and ultimatly annoying book has to be bear hunt surely. i get murderous feelings from page 1....and nothing happens...

My dd used to LOVE those Lemony Snickett books when she was 6 and 7. They are having quite an adventure those kids!

But then i also hate children's books entitled things like

"Mr Bumbleweezles day out"
"Zorko and the noodle bloogles"
"Nerdy Greb Galupher's new shoes"

That sort of thing - i am a grumpy cow but they sound soooo patronising and it's just lazy writing imo.

I remember that BalloonSlayer and often think of it when de-lousing dd who has similar hair.

Alot of childrens stories are all rip offs of each other.

I hate Peppa fucking Pig and i REALLY hate Horrid Henry. Annoying and pointless.

I hate Ben and fucking Holly, especially stupid nanny plum and her annoying whiny voice!

I absolutely hate the rainbow fish book. its supposed to help children learn about sharing, seems to me it sends the message that you have to buy your friends or nobody will like you.

Every single episode of Numberjacks ever written. Seriously. Those numbers need to chill the fuck out and maybe see a doctor about their anxiety ishoos.

Also as much as I love Charlie and Lola why is Charlie so bloody nice to his little sister ALL. THE. TIME? Even when she blatantly cheats or breaks his stuff. Why does he never yell at her?

Haha anything that could potentially turn your child into an annoying little bastard.

Like Iggle Piggle the little shit refusing to go to bed. I've witnessed the damage that little number can cause

Charlie is lovely to his sister all the time, because he's based on Lauren Child's wish to have had a big brother just like him, instead of her bitchy lovely sisters! And there's purposely no adults I the show, but are imagined to be there as they are all supposed to be from a child's point of view. I know all this crap interesting information as just had to do project with DD! And I love C&L!:o

Has anyone read Heidi?

She makes friends with Clara, a girl in a wheelchair, apparently permanently so. She comes to visit Heidi in the Alps, Peter throws her wheelchair off a cliff, and lo and behold, Clara learns to walk again!!!

The implication is she was putting it on because her father didn't pay her enough attention.

BalloonSlayer! I can't believe anyone else in the world remembers nit ridden Natasha getting all her hair cut off. I can still clearly picture that hat. All of those European shows were so strange and wonderful.

I loved Seven Little Australians! I even begged my Dad to buy me the paperback that went with the series. I missed one episode because my "boyfriend" Kenneth invited me for tea. Rather than say, "Forget it Kenneth, Thursday is SLA day, how about Wednesday?" What a bloody pushover, even at that age. It took about 30 years of repeating the same mistake till I finally figured it out.

That walled up train sounds a bit Edgar Allen Poe or something. I'm glad neither of my boys saw the appeal of Thomas.

In this universe I write childrens books. In a parallel universe they are printed. My current plot is about a snot flicking ogre so I'm screwed by the sounds of this thread

Writing a picture book is quite hard, it can't be descriptive, can't give a message, can't do this and can't do that. It's hard to think of a new idea because there's so many out there.

Worse one I've ever read...the tweenies. God help us all. I hate character books that are a TV spin off, the writing's crap and they obviously just want to make money.

Bob the fucking Builder is my nomination. I always end up ranting at the telly, 'these anthropomorphic vehicles are about as useful as a cock in a nunnery! Just kill them, and hire some fucking competent human staff, you daft twat! At least a worker knows they wouldn't get paid if they stole material to make a treehouse, or some shit.'

Also, Pat and his growing incompetence as he started working in Pencaster for the special delivery service. Every episode is: Pat gets package, Pat loses package because ge does something fucking stupid, customer waits worrying about package until Pat heroically saves the day and delivers the package. No mention of the fact that he caused the problems in the first place.

Can I also nominate Willow the Wisp?? I've always felt so sorry for fat fairy. Button moon and Rainbow are shite rubbish.