Who'd like to nominate their worst heart-sinking dismal crappy plotline in a children's book or TV series?

[BalloonSlayer]

You know the sort where you wonder who, just WHO are they employing to come up with these things, and you seethe because you could do SO much better AND you would be able to call yourself "a writer" at parties and people would be all impressed and that.

My nominees are.

Little Red Tractor video.

The TV breaks down. So two ADULTS decide that what they'll do instead is put on a show.

Yeah. Because when our TV breaks down, DH and I reject all of the following potential courses of action:

• Getting out the one from the other room
• Calling a repair man
• Going to Tescos to get another one
• Reading a book
• Having a conversation
• Having sex*

In favour of singing and dancing for each other, perhaps even juggling.

Please, has anyone ever in the history of history put on a show because their telly won't work?

• Disclaimer. The children might have been wanting to watch telly in this episode so maybe sex is not a suitable option in this case

Nominee Two

Thomas the Tank Engine Book - Jeremy (the Jet Engine)

"The Children" - that amorphous mass who must never be disappointed on the Island of Sodor - are having a picnic. Oh NO - it starts to rain!! The picnic will be RUINED! Does anyone say "Oh it's nowt but a bit of rain, it won't kill you." ? Of course not. It's a disaster.

Thomas steams to the rescue. Good old Thomas! What does he do? Takes them to Jeremy's hangar and they have their picnic in there.

So on what planet is having a picnic in an aircraft hangar a) safe or b) pleasurable? Why can't they eat their sandwiches in the train?

I take my DCs on days out and pay good money for them to eat their lunch in the carriage of a steam train.

Further nominations welcome.

Any Rainbow Fairy book ever written.

Aliens and their fecking underpants is just abysmal.

Any book/episode of Dora the explorer. Ditto Peppa Pig.

I was looking at some ghastly books in the library the other day for about 8 year olds and they were about a drama school and all the stories involved modelling or being a pop star or some other nonsense. I really don't want my dd reading those. Mind you Enid Blyton books had their moments too.

Totally agree with tryingtoleave re The Black Dog. Both my DSs have brought this home from school. I thought - do the the teachers want to send my children into a spiral of depression?

Luckily they are both totally heartless and were not affected.

And anything by Hans Christian Andersen. Especially that one where the girl has to chop her feet off to get the shoes to stop dancing her everywhere.

Does anyone know The Lion Who Wanted to Love?

1. Lions live on the FUCKING SAVANNAH. Not in the jungle.

1. The mother BANISHES her son because he Doesn't Fit In . The baby lion, Leo, is then left to wander the jungle all alone.

1. Leo refuses to kill animals to eat them. He prefers to cuddle them. Wtf? No mention is made of what Leo eats to stave off starvation.

1. Leo intervenes to stop other carnivores killing animals to eat. Because starving carnivores is fine of course.

1. When Leo gets stuck in the river all the animals he has helped save him. His mother then decides that he can return to the pride.

1. Leo is happy to be back in the pride and will eat dead animals as long as he doesn't have to kill them.

To use a wonderful phrase I saw on Mumsnet yesterday; what the actual fuck?

Also, the Large Family can fuck off.

I nominate the Ugly Monster and the Little Stone Rabbit

Basically this monster is so ugly he makes plants die, animals run away and stone crack. Then there is a charming story of him befriending a stone rabbit who somehow doesn't break. Then he ages and dies. Then all the plants and animals come back.

I was given it for DS as a present and I wish I had had previewed it before reading it to him. Miserable.

That sounds horrible Bella.

I concur with The Large Family. Every single character pisses me off. Ditto Grandpa in my Pocket.
The Mason family are all so fucking wet. The just accept all the shit they get from their vile neighbours, and Grandpa is a tosser.
He has more than one grandchild, why is Jason so fucking special? If I were Jason's sister or cousins and I found out that Grandpa had a magical hat he only saw fit to share with Jason, I would be properly pissed off.

And in the lazy writing category I'd like to nominate 'Owl Babies' - as my DH says, you just know the author was an awful cynical old hack with a vodka in one hand and a fag in the other thinking 'now something for the working mothers market'.

Would have been much more interesting if the fox had got the mummy owl and the baby ones had had to do something instead of sitting around limply expressing their neurotic feelings.

anything where the main character agrees to do two things at the same rime, and instead of being honest tries to be in two places at the same time. cue lots of unbearably predictable comic changing clothes and confusion etc.

"That utterly strange episode of Thomas where Henry refuses to go out in the rain because it might spoil his paint. He hides in a tunnel and refuses to come out. The Fat Controller is summoned and Stern Words are had.

...and then!!! - they brick up the tunnel with him in it"

I remember having nightmares about this episode at about 5!

Can I add Numberjacks? I get the idea, but the plots are dreadful. Why is the spoon spooky? What makes it spooky!?!

DD loved ALL of my old Ladybird books...the ones with Peter and Jane and I had to constantly edit as I read the sexist plot lines (thin at the best of times anyway)

"Look at Peter! See Peter help Daddy build the racing car!"

"See Jane help Mummy change the bed sheets"

I had to be very creative to explain things!

Look dear, Jane and Mummy are tired so they fancy a sleep...Jane built the last racing car so it's Daddy and Peter's turn"

Not sure it washed tbh

Yes, Jane helps Mummy with in the kitchen. Peter helps Daddy with the car.

God Bumper I have seen books like that too. Re Enid Blyton....she does make me chortle...all that stuff about "The rude children from the village" etc who were naughty and rough.

I had a sad awakening aged about 7 when I relaised I WAS in fact one of those rough village kids and not a well born upper class child with a nanny!

God Lucy that Spooky Spoon is TOTALLY spooky! It's a floating spoon that speaks and reckons itself above everyone else! It has a nasty temper and cackles too!

Hmm....I seem to be blaspheming a lot in my posts!

Oh good, no one has said mine.

Fireman Fecking Sam!!! (The new ones). There is an episode where there are (shock horror) some crates on the beach. Cue Jupiter, the helicopter and the life boat all sent out to rid the world of this awful disaster.

In fact, the whole sodding lot of Fireman Sam, Sam himself is ok, as is Penny but Elvis!!! No way in hell would a dumbass like him be able to find the firestation, let alone become a fireman, station officer Steel once didn't even know that his entire crew (of 3) were out on an 'emergency' (term used loosely for the village of Pontypandy) and was trying to page them in the station. Norman Fucking Price, drown him please! The twins and their annoying voices. The fact that everyone calls Fireman Sam for the slightest 'mishap' (keys fallen down the drain?).

Rainbow fairies. Dd got a set for fifth birthday. I have said she can read them when age can read them herself!! It's tempting to spend time disagreeing with the ones I actually love, but I know that's not the point of the thread!!

She not age.

My nomination for a book is Not Now Bernard. The poor kid is totally ignored by his whole family, when he tries to tell them there is a monster in the house. The monster eats him, and then goes to the parents, and they dont even notice that the monster has eaten their son!
Oh bugger IMy DCs love the owl babies.
In terms of TV, anything shown on Cbeebies! fucking Bodger and Badger and The Chuckle Brothers and all the rest of the stupid, slapstick, moronic crap, does my fucking head in!!!!!

Fireman Sam is appalling. I love postman pat in contrast to Sam as it does have a degree of variation in the plot lines. Elvis is irritating and useless. Penny (whom ds adores) never sees any action apart from the time she overdoes it when poorly and has to be rescued by Sam. And dilys price is unfairly stereotyped as a crap mother who is permanently simpering at all the blokes.

And they're always massively wasting resources and getting the helicopter out.

Saw the title of this thread and thought, ALL the bloody Thomas plots, but I see that's been done.

Went to find the old version of the Henry story; it finishes,

"Now Henry can't get out, and he watches the trains rushing through the new tunnel. He is very sad because no-one will ever see his lovely green paint with red stripes again.

But I think he deserved it, don't you?"

Heart-warming.

I was only thinking yesterday what a really crap postman Postman Pat is!!

He stuffs up, losing the mail and then spends the rest of the episode finding some frankly ridiculous method of 'saving the fucking day'.

The sticking plasters on the ripped up bouncy castle was a new low to keep it inflated was frankly a new low!