Who'd like to nominate their worst heart-sinking dismal crappy plotline in a children's book or TV series?

[BalloonSlayer]

You know the sort where you wonder who, just WHO are they employing to come up with these things, and you seethe because you could do SO much better AND you would be able to call yourself "a writer" at parties and people would be all impressed and that.

My nominees are.

Little Red Tractor video.

The TV breaks down. So two ADULTS decide that what they'll do instead is put on a show.

Yeah. Because when our TV breaks down, DH and I reject all of the following potential courses of action:

• Getting out the one from the other room
• Calling a repair man
• Going to Tescos to get another one
• Reading a book
• Having a conversation
• Having sex*

In favour of singing and dancing for each other, perhaps even juggling.

Please, has anyone ever in the history of history put on a show because their telly won't work?

• Disclaimer. The children might have been wanting to watch telly in this episode so maybe sex is not a suitable option in this case

Nominee Two

Thomas the Tank Engine Book - Jeremy (the Jet Engine)

"The Children" - that amorphous mass who must never be disappointed on the Island of Sodor - are having a picnic. Oh NO - it starts to rain!! The picnic will be RUINED! Does anyone say "Oh it's nowt but a bit of rain, it won't kill you." ? Of course not. It's a disaster.

Thomas steams to the rescue. Good old Thomas! What does he do? Takes them to Jeremy's hangar and they have their picnic in there.

So on what planet is having a picnic in an aircraft hangar a) safe or b) pleasurable? Why can't they eat their sandwiches in the train?

I take my DCs on days out and pay good money for them to eat their lunch in the carriage of a steam train.

Further nominations welcome.

Crazy Robots is a classic though :)

Zingzillas. Irritating.

Oh and ditto numberjacks.

I read Famous Five and a few St Clare's book as a child. Pretty horrific now looking back. I remember in one St Clare's book a girl is homesick and she's called 'Misery Girl' for an entire term by the other pupils. Oh but then there is a midnight feast so of course this makes it all better .

This is a very funny thread - thank God DS was never into Thomas the Tank engine. hate, hate, HATE Peppa Pig. Would love to barbecue the lot of them!
On a positive note, if you have DCs aged about 7-12ish you have GOT to read the Mr Gum books by Andy Stanton! first one is "Your a bad man, Mr Gum". Very cleverly written, very , very funny. Even my dd's - now late teens - love them and roar with laughter at them. DS adores them and adores Andy Stanton even more after he (AS) took the trouble to very kindly write to DS (long story) and send him a a hand-written letter and a signed copy of the one of the books.
I think there are about 8 or 9 of them in the series, peopled by bizarre characters who live in the town of Lamonic Bibber....

Also, has anyone noticed a little racism in Thomas the Tank Engine? They are always refering to those 'horrible diesels', like they are a seperate group of beings to be looked down upon for being different.

And Ben and Holly's little Kingdom is quite blatently racist, against elves. What did the elves ever do wrong?

I give you Felicity Wishes

The biggest pile of glittery horseshit I've ever set eyes on. It was that bad I binned it behind DD's back (and I don't make that decision lightly).

I always hated The Selfish Giant, and James and the Giant Peach: just hated the fact that James' parents were killed

But my pet hate was a book my grandpa had called Shock-headed Peter (although he had a German copy as well - check the illustration: www.banterist.com/images/Struwwelpeter.jpg) - 150 year old German stories including Little Tom Suck-a-thumb (whose thumbs are chopped off by an evil man with enormous scissors - not a book to show to a thumb-sucker). Horrible, horrible book!

As for plotless uselessness, I think Octonauts wins the prize for me on CBeebies at the moment. And every episode of Scooby Doo ever written. It's banned in our house.

It was either in Mallory Towers or St Clares where one of the heroines declared that it was OK to despise the fat girl for being greedy and lazy because she didn't laugh at herself when they mercilessly bullied did a bit of gentle ribbing about her weight. Even at the age of 9 I was pretty

DS1 bought Hansel and Gretel back from his school library the other day - haven't read it for years and years and I was about the storyline.

The stepmother wants rid of the children permanently so she persuades their dad to send them off into the forest and 'lose' them and he agrees to it and goes along with the plan etc etc

I actually felt bad reading it to DS1 (who is still only 4).....not exactly light bedtime reading is it?

Sounds a bit like my step-mother.....

The Anneena Academy (Oxford Reading Tree). Anneena and Wilf go through a vortex and find themselves in a school where all of the pupils and teachers are clones of Anneena.

The real Anneena gets separated from Wilf and then has to try to convince him that she is the real Anneena, because one of the clones is also claiming to be 'the real Anneena'. Does the real Anneena prove herself by talking to Wilf about things that only the real Anneena would know about? No. First she tries waggling her ears. Surprise surprise, the clone can do that too. Then she tries jumping. For some reason her clone can't jump as well as she can, and that proves that she is the real Anneena.

hockeyforjockeys It was Alma 'Pudden' wasn't it? And it turned out she had some sort of gland disorder. I loved those books, but Alma always made me feel very

Spy Dog should just curl up and die. Horribly.

"I remember when you got your bits out under the table and miss told you off" would've been a much more amusing solution!

And further to the Charlie and Lola discussion above, IMO the 'no adults shown' concept totally falls down in the book where Lola has her first day at school. No adult comes to collect her at the end of the school day, of course. Charlie can't find her either, but it turns out it's all right because Lola is walking home with her new friend.

Zaza's baby brother, given to ds1 when ds2 born. A very kind thought, but book all about older child being completely ignored in favour of new arrival. May as well be called 'new brother? Your life's going to be shite, then.'

I cant bear the Charlie and Lola books anymore - purely because of Lola's appalling grammar and insistance of making normal, everyday things into a big fucking deal - she would have spent a year on the naughty step in my house, followed by a smacked bum for refusing to eat her food, go to bed properly, got to the library and not freak out over a book, ad infinitum.

Hug - hard to say Hug 10 times each with stronger pleading way.

Show me Show me - so stupid - DD loves it

dementedma - see my post earlier (and i realise this is my own problem). Excellent as it may be - anyone called Mr Gum who lives Lamonic Bibber would instantly have me reaching for the AK47.

I read a story a la Malory Towers (may have been in the Girl annual) called Ten Ton Tess. Basically the girls pick on her for being fat, then she saves them from a fire and they like her - then she is burned in the fire and goes off to hospital for months.

Awaiting her return the girls decide it's ok that she's fat and they await her arrival home. Of course, she arrives as thin as a rake much to their ooh and aaahs.

How on earth have the Mr. Men escaped being on this thread. They take forever to read and are dull and repetitive. DH and I Hate them and hide them whenever I find them around the house!

Famous five - now, i loved the Ff but the gypsy girl in love with dick that smells of shit has a pooey unwashed smell got my goat at the age of 7....

In love with Dick that should have said - as in the character

noooooo Rusty Rainbow - there are sensible names like Polly and Old Granny as well.
Honestly, give them a try - very very funny!
Anway, somone called "Rusty Rainbow" is in no position to be sniffy about made up names

Agreed about the Rainbow Fish being terrible. All I can see is it telling children they all have to be the same as each other if they want to make friends.

Fair enough dementedma - i will give them a go - DSs are 10 & 8 - is that a good age for them?

Mr Men are irritating - particularly as they look small little books, but take fucking aaaaaages to read.

number fucking jacks utter tripe

the new noddy books why do they exist, they are terrible, so boring, so .....nothing.

There's a Thomas one about a bus getting ideas above his station - I can't remember how exactly, but I seem to remember it wasn't at all malicious. The bus is punished by getting damaged in an accident and turned into a chicken coop. I hated that story.

The Rainbow Fairies totally need dousing with fly spray as well. Every single book is exactly the same - Rachel and Kirstie have to find a fairy's magic toy/pet/dildo and save the human world equivalent. Boring.