Quick Advice Please! Should be in Brave Babes but I'm in a hurry and really upset

[JaneS]

So, I am an alcoholic and have been 'sober' for just over a month now. Or so I thought.

I was buying de-alcoholized wine, which is 0.5%. I'm aware I was using it as a crutch but thought it was quite sensible.

My problem is with my DH. He can be lovely, but he has a big problem with the way I want to stop drinking. In the past when I've tried to stop, he's been very sure that what I should do is to cut down, stop for a few days and then reward myself with a glass or two - drinking moderately, basically. This does not work for me at all. I know it's my job and nothing to do with him, but we've had words over it.

The problem now is I was feeling really happy and we'd gone to do the weekly shop. There's only one place that does decent quality de-alcoholized wine, so I started stocking up, putting 8 or so bottles in my trolley. DH then said this was bad and I shouldn't start drinking a bottle or two of this a day. I am aware that two bottles (or even one, which is what I'm tending to get through) adds up to an appreciable amount of alcohol. But I don't think it is remotely likely to get me drunk, and that seemed the important thing to me.

I'm really upset - I was quite literally shaking on the way home. I just feel as if no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. I did say quietly to DH that I'd just managed a month and was proud of that, and he just said it was 'not good' to be using this as a substitute. I just feel rotten - I guess technically he is right that it's not a month with absolutely no alcohol, but it seems so contradictory of his previous view that I should drink moderately.

I don't know what to do, or if I should be upset? Please advise me, I don't know what to say to DH and he can see I'm upset.

He's just gone and rummaged through the bottles waiting to go for recycling - I don't know if he's counting them or what but I am really upset about this and I feel as if all my effort is going to waste.

Please advise.

I think that the fact you are so upset about this is proof that you've been using this stuff (never heard of it myself) as a crutch. Or worse, a replacement addiction. A bottle a night seems excessive. Whilst it may not be doing you the physical damage that full strength wine does, it's doing fuck all for helping you get past the psychological aspect of your alcoholism. Perhaps this is the point your DH is making?

Yes, I can see that it is doing nothing at all for the psychological addiction, but I am confused by DH's response as he would prefer me to drink full-strength wine anyway - which would result in me drinking far more units.

I just feel crushed because he had exactly the same disappointed tone when he told me not to buy this stuff, that he'd have used in the past if I wanted to buy a second bottle of full-strength wine after drinking the first one. It is as if he really sees no difference between the two situations. It's been a real battle for me to get to this point and it's been improving my work and my health ... I thought he'd recognize that and it seems as if he's saying it's still no good.

Having gone through all this with FIL last year, who admittedly was drinking a fair amount of vodka, the answer is stop completely with no alcohol, but we did it with support of a psychiatrist and the appropriate medication support, with daily visits to AA. Has been a long journey,with some slips, but first step is admitting the problem, so well done you. Try starting with GP who can help with medication, and point you in right direction with counselling. Good luck.

Happy, I should say I'm not coming to this fresh, as it were - I've been on the Brave Babes thread for a while and have been thinking about the options.

I suppose I am so crushed because I wasn't thinking of this as an appreciable amount of alcohol at all - which I guess was wrong of me. I'd thought of it in the same way you'd think of ginger beer or vinegar or whatever - not enough alcohol left to matter.

Maybe that is wrong, but I'm really upset that his response seems to be there's no distinction between this and full-strength wine.

I think you both have to go to some sort of group, AA, or similar as soon as you can.

Your DH doesnt sound like he is too sure how to really help you. And it really sounds like you want to stop but are not too sure yourself of the best way to go about it.

For the moment, dont have ANY alcohol in the house, and that means both of you. Drink tea, coffee, coke, or even sparkling elderflower in a wine glass, but NO ALCOHOL. not even low alcohol.

squeaky - AA is for alcoholics. Al-Anon is for the partners/family of alcoholics. I doubt DH would go to Al-Anon. I've not, personally, gone to an AA meeting yet and am unsure about it for various reasons.

I do agree DH isn't sure how to help me. He won't remove all alcohol from the house, we've discussed this.

I may have made a mistake here by not putting enough information in my OP, but I should clarify I'm not really looking for advice on how it's best for me to quit. I'm really looking for advice on DH's response and how I should think about it - is it silly for me to be so crushed? Is he being inconsistent or am I being unfair? That's what I'm not sure about. I'm not sure what it's like for him, really, or where his response comes from.

Tbh, when you're an alcoholic there IS no difference with low alcohol and full-it's still alcohol. We have none in the house, and now have dry christmas' etc to support FIL, as not fair to drink when he can't, plus removes temptation. Please go to AA, and see your GP.

I'm not sure I agree with you Happy.

I'm also still confused by my DH's reaction. It confuses me that he has wanted me to drink moderately, not to give up - but responds like this to me drinking the 0.5% stuff. I don't really understand why, tba, does anyone else?

You've done a whole month without getting drunk?! Well done you! Yeah, OK, you haven't done the whole AA never-touch-a-drop-one-day-at-a-time thing, but not everyone goes for that.

Have you used the word 'alcoholic' to your DH? Because if someone told me they were a sober alcoholic, I wouldn't dream of saying to them, 'oh, well, just have a couple of glasses of wine then'. Seems a bit odd.

What is his own relationship with alcohol like?

AA can be attended by a close family member at open meetings. I dont think you can do this alone, and I do think your husband needs some trained advice, as he really isnt helping, even though I am sure he thinks he is and is doing it with the best intentions.

Perhaps he doesnt think you have a very serious alcohol problem. His attitude seems to be that you have been drinking too much and need to cut down, and I dont think he understands the reality of an addiction.

I don't know if this is right - I used a calculator online and maybe someone can help - but I think two bottles would be .75 of a unit of alcohol, is that right? And one would be .375?

I agree that your DH doesn't understand, OP, he's not an alcoholic. To him, it's normal to be able to drink a moderate amount of wine and stop. You can't do that anymore or ever again. Your DH needs to go to an Al-Anon meeting to understand that, maybe.

I think the purchasing of the low-alcohol wine is not helping you. It's exactly like smoking - you can't cut down, you have to stop completely in order to be free of it. I can understand that you're feeling crushed.

I used to smoke and know that I can never smoke again (and I don't want to)... you're in the same position but with alcohol.

You need to be able to cope with DH drinking wine and whatever other alcohol without doing so yourself. DH needs to understand that you can't and never can again.

I think you should explain to DH that this is how you have decided to approach your addiction right now, that you are not sure if it will work out or not but at least you are doing something

Well done on the last month and good luck for the next month

I think this is where your DH is coming from:

I am aware that two bottles (or even one, which is what I'm tending to get through) adds up to an appreciable amount of alcohol. But I don't think it is remotely likely to get me drunk, and that seemed the important thing to me

The point here is, your system is never going to be clear of alcohol if this is what you are doing. You HAVE to get the alcohol out of your body. All you are doing at the moment is sustaining enough of a level so that you arent drunk, but you probably arent sober either.

He is saying that if you go cold turkey and have zero alcohol for a few days, then reward yourself wtih a drink because you have "proved" you can do it.. again, not the right way to go about it either, but I do think I can see what he is trying to do.

Heathen - that's very kind of you to say well done. Not sure if deserve it, I obviously need to do some thinking.

I have used the term 'alcoholic' to DH. Not sure he accepts it. He has a very easy relationship with alcohol - he likes a little, but can stop whenever he wants. His religion means he can't drink during Lent, Advent, and on Fridays, and he never minds this. However, his dad is a functioning alcoholic in a culture that doesn't much admit to alcoholism. I'm not sure where that takes us.

squeaky - thanks, I guess he could come with me. I think you're right he thinks I should just cut down.

He is now, incidentally, furious because I've asked him to give me time to work out what I'm thinking and I said I don't know how to talk to him about why I'm upset yet. He's come in and got cross I'm not talking.

I know it sounds bad, but I am so FURIOUS that everyhthig has to be on his terms - he wants to tell me when and what to drink and he won't give me half an hour to work out why I'm upset.

Have you both talked properly about your drinking? It sounds like he's concerned about your inability to drink anything in moderation.

You could try asking on one of the boards Here

squeaky, if I have .375 of a unit in my blood, that is sober, surely? That's the point.

If my maths is wrong, I'd like to know because I am confused.

Sorry you don't agree with me-am just going with what the consultant psychiatrist who specialised in alcohol addiction said, and kind of think he probably knows best. I know it's so hard at the start, and can remember FIL saying the same things as you, that it was all crap, and how dare anyone think and say such things, but that is your addiction talking. I'm sorry but no alcohol IS the only way.

Dragon, you have to have ZERO in your system, honestly sweetheart, you have to stop drinking anything with ANY alcohol in it.

It is really hard to do, I know it is. And you are doing well but I think you both need some professional help here.

in no way an expert on this, but if you are an alcoholic, surely enaging in this sort of behaviour.. 1 to 2 bottles of 'wine' or wine substitute a night is excessive and keeping you in an alcoholic pattern of beahvour?

being an alcoholic is surely not just about being drunk? but not being able to live without drinking everyday?

I would see your GP get some proper structured help, to get off the booze and out of this unhealthy behaviour

When I read Alan Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol (which I'd recommend, by the way), he talks about having a little demon inside, that once it gets a drink, just wants MORE MORE MORE. If your DH doesn't get The Thirst after a couple of glasses of wine, it's going to be hard to explain to him I guess.

How does your DH view/use alcohol?

I have stopped drinking because alcohol is my migraine trigger, and I can't face the thought of 3 days hell for the sake of a glass of wine. My DH is really resentful at times because he feels 'sad' (in the teenage sense) if he drinks alone. Neither of us has ever had problems with drinking, but even so, the pressure to just have one or to keep him company is incredible. My mum and best-friend are the same. And when I went out for lunch with my sister she asked me if I was trying to make it look like she had a problem, because I wouldn't have a drink.

Not helpful really. Sorry. Just trying to say that your DH's view of your drinking is going to be coloured by his personal take on alcohol. You need to talk to him and make it clear that you are doing what you can to get over your addiction.

Wishing you strength to continue. x

Sorry happy, I didn't put that well - I'm all in a hurry trying to work out my thoughts - what I mean is, I am not sure there's no difference between alcohol at say 14% and alcohol at .5 %. The point is, I don't think it's physically possible to get over the limit on dealcoholized wine - you'd have to drink abotu 4/5 bottles in half an hour, by my reckoning.

It just seems very different to me. I would agree if your consultant talked about low-alchol wine (by which is usually meant 5-10%, because you could feel the effects of that - it's like drinking beer-strength wine, at the weakest).

Does that make sense?

I suspect that your DH wants you to be able to choose to drink nothing at all for a period of time, then to choose to drink a little and then stop again i.e. to be in complete control of your drinking choices.
So presumably he sees your need to always have some alcohol around as a sign that you are not in control?

It does sound like you both need some external advice and support about how to move this forward.

I am really, really grateful for all of this but I must go talk to my DH now, so don't think I'm ignoring replies.

Can I plead for advice on the DH-response issue? It's that that is hardest for me to understand, especiially since he is now furious I've not immediatley told him why I'm upset and right now I feel he's being bloody selfish.