Quick Advice Please! Should be in Brave Babes but I'm in a hurry and really upset

[JaneS]

So, I am an alcoholic and have been 'sober' for just over a month now. Or so I thought.

I was buying de-alcoholized wine, which is 0.5%. I'm aware I was using it as a crutch but thought it was quite sensible.

My problem is with my DH. He can be lovely, but he has a big problem with the way I want to stop drinking. In the past when I've tried to stop, he's been very sure that what I should do is to cut down, stop for a few days and then reward myself with a glass or two - drinking moderately, basically. This does not work for me at all. I know it's my job and nothing to do with him, but we've had words over it.

The problem now is I was feeling really happy and we'd gone to do the weekly shop. There's only one place that does decent quality de-alcoholized wine, so I started stocking up, putting 8 or so bottles in my trolley. DH then said this was bad and I shouldn't start drinking a bottle or two of this a day. I am aware that two bottles (or even one, which is what I'm tending to get through) adds up to an appreciable amount of alcohol. But I don't think it is remotely likely to get me drunk, and that seemed the important thing to me.

I'm really upset - I was quite literally shaking on the way home. I just feel as if no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. I did say quietly to DH that I'd just managed a month and was proud of that, and he just said it was 'not good' to be using this as a substitute. I just feel rotten - I guess technically he is right that it's not a month with absolutely no alcohol, but it seems so contradictory of his previous view that I should drink moderately.

I don't know what to do, or if I should be upset? Please advise me, I don't know what to say to DH and he can see I'm upset.

He's just gone and rummaged through the bottles waiting to go for recycling - I don't know if he's counting them or what but I am really upset about this and I feel as if all my effort is going to waste.

Please advise.

you dont sound old and raddled at all.. just very mature.. my stepkids are older than you and nowhere near as sensible!..

Happy, I do understand the psychological issue. That's why I've said a fair few times that I think the psychological issue is important and something I need to work on - squeaky and I have discussed in further up thread, and it has cropped up elsewhere. I do see it's a long thread and easy to miss things, but honestly, I think I've acknowledged this on almost every page?

squeaky - ah, sensible you think?! How kind.

I think actually MN has this effect - I remember when I realized someone I'd thought was very wise and old was actually in her teens (SirBoobALot - I miss her!).

So it goes ...

Fabby - what a load of BS! On what authority do you speak....honestly, Alcoholics come in all shapes, sizes and methods of drinking. I agree that for some people, medical intevention may be necessary but not for others. BUt that doesn't mean that they are not a true alchoholic. Commments like that just put people off finding help.

LRD - de-alcholised wine is still alcohol as so many have said on this thread. And it usually is a slippery slope and also think about the way you drinking it.
It is possible to stop completely if you really want to, if you're really ready to and have had enough, but difficult to do without some form of outside help, whatever that may be. AA is an effective way but by no means the only way, and I guess it is also one of the most available and accessible ways. Good luck anyhow...

Have read the whole thread! And yes you acknowledge it, but move away from ownership, and keep on with the it's only 0.5% alcohol. You may feel sober on it, but you're not. Good luck with it all.

I'm not sure what 'move away from ownership' means, sorry.

I'm really not trying to play down the psychological issue, which is significant, but I do think it needs to be separated from the physical issue. It's nothing to do with 'feeling' sober: the point is that it's not possible to get drunk on something 0.5% alcohol. I don't mean 'it's not likely' or 'I don't think anyone would', I mean you'd have to ingest more liquid in a shorter time than is physically possible; I checked.

Ok. This stuff wont get you drunk. Agreed. But its still alcohol isnt it??

If you dont crave/need the high alcohol content stuff, why not just stop altogether/switch to alcohol free stuff?

Not being flippant, am genuinely a bit confused....(but it is past my bedtime!)

Is this stuff similar to lambrusco or something of that nature?

My dsis and I used to drink that when we both still lived at home as
a) it was cheap and
b) we didnt really class it as "drinking" IYSWIM?

Wow. No, it's not, Beca. That's what I'm trying to say.

I've never drunk Lambrusco, but a quick google says it can be as much as 7% - ie., stronger than beer. Is this the same stuff you mean? If so, I'd certainly say that's drinking, it's stronger than beer!

This stuff says it is '0.5% maximum'. That means that, if you were to drink a whole 75cl bottle, you'd have drunk just over a third of a unit. As I understand it, your body simply can't take in enough liquid, fast enough, for it to be possible for you to get drunk on this.

Btw, the reason I don't switch to alcohol free is I can't find anything that tastes nice! It's impossible to totally de-alcoholize wine, apparently.

A friend of mine has had an alcohol problem since she was about 22, she is 52 now. She used the booze to "compensate" for things she felt she was lacking. She has had a fairly successful life, degree, good jobs etc. but always put herself under a lot of pressure to be perfect and relied on the booze to prop her up. Just recently she has done a few "silly" things like resigning from a very well-paid job and pressing the self-destruct button. Much to everyone's surprise the one thing she has done has been to stop drinking. When I tell you that she was on up to a bottle of spirits a day, so 40% proof, you will understand. She has been "sober" now for 5 or 6 weeks. The one thing she has said is that none of the anxiety or depression has gone away, but it is easier to cope with when not under the influence of booze. She also says that she has no cravings or irresitible desire to have an alcoholic drink at all, she is sticking to coffee and water, so she suspects that she does not have a chemical dependency. I think the point she would make is, you have to cut it out completely for a while and analyse how you are after getting everything out of your system. Only then can you tell if you were using the booze as a prop or if you are chemically dependent.
I should add that my friend lives alone and has no family to lean on at all, although she thought this might be an advantage at the moment.
Good luck!

It's been very interesting reading this as I wait for my baby to properly wake up, and there are lots of things I wanted to write (will probably forget half of them now)...
Firstly, I have practically no experience with alcoholics other than friends who drink A LOT socially and we all very smugly say "Oooh, did you see X last night, she was wasted, that's the 3rd time this week, and she's ttc", which is both gossipy rude and unhelpful, so I wanted to try and be a bit kinder and more helpful to you.
I agree that whilst your 0.5% crutch isn't helping you overcome an addiction from a psychological point of view, it is a very sensible stepping stone on the way to improved health, and I can see that that's a primary concern for you - as it should be if you're thinking of having a baby in the future, so well done on that!
Having recently had a baby (and still breastfeeding), I haven't been able to have a good, sociable drink with my DH for over a year - not that I resent it, but it makes me appreciate where your DH is coming from in that mine gets a bit miffed because I won't join him for 1 glass of wine, even though it's 'ok' to have 1 a couple of nights a week when you're pregnant/breastfeeding, but my response is that it's not actually enjoyable for me to have just 1, I can't drink enough to appreciate the taste, so I might as well not bother.
In a way I think that's possibly where your DH is coming from - he's not an alcoholic himself so can't see that drinking a glass or 2 here and there just isn't a sensible compromise for you, in the same way that my DH wasn't pregnant so doesn't appreciate that just 1 glass is both pointless and potentially harmful.
At the risk of turning this in to an essay, I think that's also where he was coming from in the supermarket - 8 bottles of 0.5% make it look 'bad' whereas if you only put in 2 12% bottles you can just drink them slowly like 'normal' drinkers...?? Sorry, might be going off on an amateur psychologist tangent there!
At any rate, you are actively trying (and succeeding) to reduce your alcohol intake, and you're not getting drunk, that's a massive achievement in itself and you should be very proud of yourself. What you choose to do to remove the crutch is the next step but I think that this method is what's right for right now and you should be congratulated on making a big difference to your health already.
Baby now awake so will end the essay there.

ah...I see.

The lambrusco I used to drink was from the co-op and was very weak....I am sure it was 0.5% but I could be wrong. It was like fizzy grape water really.

I can symapthise re; the not being able to find anything nice that alcohol free....perhaps switch to a flavoured fizzy water????

Sorry, I am not being very helpful am I?

Ah ... that makes more sense beca - I googled it and though 'what!'.

You are being very helpful, you must know that! I'm feeling so much more as if I really can do this, and can think about how to work through it all, since I started this thread.

SGJ - your post made me grin. How old is the baby now?

Btw, I don't think what it looked like in the trolley would be an issue - we were doing a big shop in a place we don't usually go, so among other things I had 10 bags of coffee in the trolley - it was pretty obvious we were doing a major stock-up, so I doubt the bottle would have raised an eyebrow in context. I'll ask DH about that though - I've never been sure if the way it 'looks' has bothered him or not. I mean, all the local corner shops must know I'm an alcoholic, and I don't know if that's been something that upsets him.

LRD; many apologies, I did not read your posts properly. I am a bit hard of thinking sometimes....Sorry and good luck!

Oh, don't apologize, it's really easy to do.

It used to come on massive 2 litre screw top bottles LRD I am a very classy lady, obviously!!!

Re: your dh - I would be surprised if it didnt bother him tbh....

I knew a boy at school and his mum had a big drink problem...turned up at the bus stop at 8am smelling of sherry He hated going into any local shops because he knew his mum would have been in at some point to get her alcohol (we lived in a small village which, of course, makes things worse as everyone knows - or thinks they know - your business)

It makes me so sad to think of all the people I know/have known who are/have been affected by alcohol abuse....

I am only 38 (so not that ancient!) and yet I have known people my age who have died from drinking. My brothers best friend killed himself 3 years ago after a "bender". My brother will simply never get over it I have watched people I have worked with slip further and further into the depths of this awful addiction. I have seen the damage it causes, not only to the person doing the drinking, but to their families and loved ones.

However, I also know people who have beaten their addiction and have been able to make permanent changes to their lives. I do so hope you are one of the latter LRD x

Hi...just came across this thread. Hope u still sober ;-) I'm an alcoholic and had the same question. It depends on the drink, but often they legally have to say "less than x" in case there are traces left - it does not actually mean it does contain alcohol. Anyway, as has been pointed out the issue is if you have not really accepted and changed your behaviour. I know for a while I was drinking NA wine etc. and I hadn't, so it was only a matter of time before I restarted on the real thing. Now I have come to live with drinking soft drinks with meals...still gets me that I can't drink wine, but so much better than the alternative! Stick with it....