Quick Advice Please! Should be in Brave Babes but I'm in a hurry and really upset

[JaneS]

So, I am an alcoholic and have been 'sober' for just over a month now. Or so I thought.

I was buying de-alcoholized wine, which is 0.5%. I'm aware I was using it as a crutch but thought it was quite sensible.

My problem is with my DH. He can be lovely, but he has a big problem with the way I want to stop drinking. In the past when I've tried to stop, he's been very sure that what I should do is to cut down, stop for a few days and then reward myself with a glass or two - drinking moderately, basically. This does not work for me at all. I know it's my job and nothing to do with him, but we've had words over it.

The problem now is I was feeling really happy and we'd gone to do the weekly shop. There's only one place that does decent quality de-alcoholized wine, so I started stocking up, putting 8 or so bottles in my trolley. DH then said this was bad and I shouldn't start drinking a bottle or two of this a day. I am aware that two bottles (or even one, which is what I'm tending to get through) adds up to an appreciable amount of alcohol. But I don't think it is remotely likely to get me drunk, and that seemed the important thing to me.

I'm really upset - I was quite literally shaking on the way home. I just feel as if no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. I did say quietly to DH that I'd just managed a month and was proud of that, and he just said it was 'not good' to be using this as a substitute. I just feel rotten - I guess technically he is right that it's not a month with absolutely no alcohol, but it seems so contradictory of his previous view that I should drink moderately.

I don't know what to do, or if I should be upset? Please advise me, I don't know what to say to DH and he can see I'm upset.

He's just gone and rummaged through the bottles waiting to go for recycling - I don't know if he's counting them or what but I am really upset about this and I feel as if all my effort is going to waste.

Please advise.

Congratulations on 18 months! That's inspiring.

toga - think you missed a crucial line in my OP:

I know it's my job and nothing to do with him

But thanks for the good luck.

Alcohol is alcohol LRD

I can see why you are pleased with yourself at cutting down on the units you consume.

I can also see why your dh is annoyed that you are so pleased...you are still drinking. You have not changed your behaviour.

I am a bit confused as to why, if you are serious about stopping drinking, you wont try AA??

You need professional help to quit. I dont think going cold turkey, on your own, is even possible.

Good luck.

Beca

Re. 'alcohol is alcohol' - would you also think I shouldn't use vinegar? Other people have focussed on the behaviour, and I think that's valid, but the alcohol content isn't I think the point. The more I've looked into it since writing this thread, the clearer that is. o.5% is tiny.

As to AA, I know lots of people swear by it, but I'm not keen on the idea. I may end up trying it, though - never say never. But I'm not sure why you think it's the only way?

Going cold turkey on my own is certainly possible - why would it be? Are you thinking of the risk of a very heavy drinker stopping? If so I'm grateful for your concern, but that's not a problem for me, fortunately.

On quitting. I think that if there are underlying reasons why someone drinks heavily - and the person is drinking to blot them out - then the underlying issues need to be addressed. OTOH if someone is drinking heavily because they just adore drinking then making a decision to stop and stopping can be done. I know because I've done it.

There is no "one size fits all" with this stuff IMO.

Are you upset because he is now questioning your decision even though he wanted you to do something else?

Sardine - yes, that makes sense. I don't think I've got the kind of issues some people drink to blot out, or drink so they don't have to confront. I'm lucky.

Four - I think the thread's moved on.

I'm another one who lives with an alcoholic.

You haven't had a month of not drinking, you have had a month of drinking less alcohol.

Yes, in my opinion no alcohol means no vinegar, no wine in cooking, no christmas cake with brandy in etc etc.

Both of you need to get some professional help as neither of you are getting this.

You seem to have an answer for every concern about your reasons for still needing some form of alcohol, this is such a typical response, I have seen it so many times over the years.

Your partner has no clue how to help you, he has issues within his own family on top of the worry/confusion he has for you.

You don't sound as if you are fully aware yet of how big this is.

And I also think that there are a fair few on this thread who mean well but have no understanding of the implication of your continuing to need alchohol even if it is a tiny amount.

LRD AA is certainly not the only way and I didnt mean to suggest it was, but its probably the most tried and tested programme IYSWIM?

I am from an irish catholic background and have witnessed many family members battle with alcholism (not my immediate family, thank god) and I have seen a "moderate" problem become "acute" very quickly

I am so glad that you are not drinking to blot out physical or emotional trauma but that then leaves the obvious questions....

Why you drinking to excess?????

Why do you want to stop????

What do you want to gain by stopping??????

What will happen if you dont stop?????

Please dont think I am being flippant....I think these are questions you need to think about and formulate answers to...then you may be able to understand why you drink and work out how to stop.

LRD I think you're doing great

Good luck with everything.

And good luck with the thread!

I'm off to bed now. Feel free to pm me if you like.

Wow, mini, I have immense respect for you and your partner if you've managed to be that strict with yourselves. I only asked about the vinegar because ime most people don't consider such trace amounts to be important.

I think it's a good way to see it that I'm not stopping but cutting down, though. Someone over on Brave Babes pointed out that it'd be maybe 3 units a week. For me - because one of the things I'm thinking of is the implications of pregnancy - that's a reassuring way to look at it. I do see that it is a concern I'm not getting past the psychological need for something, though - please don't think I'm dismissing that.

Beca - I do see what you mean about AA.

The questions are ones I started asking, and formulating answers to, quite a long time ago. I think the problem is, the answers started off being quite poor, and they get better and more honest the further down this route I go. I'm hopeful eventually I won't need to ask the questions any more.

I hope so LRD

Good luck x

Thanks.

And thanks for sharing your experience with your relatives - it must be hard.

Actually, I think most people do think that even trace amounts are important.

That's the point, as a recovering alcoholic no alcohol is acceptable. It's far too easy to justify and before you know it youre back to square one.

It took a long time for me to see that my partners alcoholism had affected my relationship with alcohol as well.

I was enabling him, I encouraged him to "just stop drinking during the week", or "just one glass is ok with dinner".

It wasn't until we both got help that it got better.

Yes. It is.

My cousin has MS. She no longer eats solid food and is bedridden. She just drinks vodka. Lots and lots of vodka

If he wanted to help he wouldn't have alcohol in the house and wouldn't be suggesting you not drink for a few days then 'reward yourself with a glass or two'

If you want to stop, stop. You've cut it down to such a small % that it's got to be a psychological crutch now as the physical effect must be negligible. Don't expect him to help or support you, as someone suggesting you carry on drinking from time to time at best doesn't get it.

Not so far as I have seen mini, but it's not unlikely we have different experiences and know different people.

I do see what you are saying about co-dependence and excuses though. I think for me at the moment, it feels important that I'm not drinking something that can make me drunk, and that is different from drinking small quantities of something that could - in larger ones - make me drunk. I accept it would of course be better if I were able to drink nothing at all ... though I don't honestly see us ever trying to stop using vinegar!

Oh beca. I cross posted and only just saw that. I don't know what to say - I'm so sorry to have brought this up for you.

I'm not saying that that makes it easy - the psychological bit is more difficult than the physical addiction. Just that you've worked so hard and come a long way and you're so close.

Please dont feel bad.

Thats her situation.

Yours is different.

BUT, what I have witnessed and the suffering it has caused is why I am now teetotal.

I do understand. Thanks very much for taking the time to talk it through with me Beca.

Narky - yes, see what you're saying. Btw, DH and I have talked quite a lot since I wrote the OP, and worked things out a bit.

Good, I'm glad.

I do hope my posts last night didnt come across as judgemental in any way?

I really am not judging you but if you are contemplating pregnancy (as you seem to be?) you need to be aware of the damage caused by alcohol during pregnancy, particularly the early stages. Exessive alcohol comsumption can also really affect fertility (zoe ball wrote a very moving article on that recently..she and her dh have both had alcohol problems and fertiltiy issues and as soon as they both stopped drinking she concieved her dd)

In my beaver pack we have a young lad with foetal alcohol syndrome - amongst other things - and it is truly heartbreaking to see him struggle, because his problems were completely preventable.

If you are trying to cut down/stop because you want to become pregnant then it shows that you
a) know the risks and
b) are trying to do the best for any child you may have

As mothers, we seem to find strength from somewhere to put our children first, however difficult that it....I am sure you will too.

Alcoholics don't get drunk they are so immune to it it would take a shit load of alcohol to get drunk.

If you are a true alcoholic then you need medical help to give up, and medication to help you through, it cannot be done cold.

I think that your definition of "true alcoholism" is unhelpful fabbychic.

Anyone who feels that their relationship with alcohol / drinking patterns are out of their control deserves help and support. If someone says "I am alcoholic and I want to stop" then telling them that actually they aren't isn't going to be very helpful.

Many people are emotionally or habitually or psychologically dependent on alcohol, without being entirely physically dependent.

Someone who waits all day for 6 oclock to come so that they can sink 2 or 3 bottles of wine, and then wakes up in the morning and thinks never again, and by 10 am is eagerly anticipating their evening drinking again, is perfectly entitled to describe themselves as alcoholic.

I suspect that many people like to think of alcoholics as the most extreme - spirits from first thing in the morning to last thing at night, hiding booze, plastered from dawn til dusk - as that is easier for them. In fact alcoholism is a path - you start off at one end, you go though the middle like teh person drinking 2 bottles of wine a night - and you end up a derelict. Many people manage to get off the path before they get to the end. Many manage to travel down it incredibly slowly. But it's all the same path.

Classifying some people as real alcoholics and others as - what - pretend ones? People who are being silly? Normal heavy drinkers? Is just not helpful IMO.