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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have you ever taken a child to a child-free wedding?

454 replies

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 13:01

This isn't a rant about attitudes to children at weddings. Due to finances, I am having a v.small wedding (20 people for the ceremony & reception) so having to exclude lots of adults that we would rather have there. I am just worried that one of the couples we are inviting will ignore the no-children stipulation and bring theirs anyway. If they do, there will be no-where for them to sit as the room we have hired for the reception is a table for 20 only. Have you ever ignored the no-child comment on an invite?

OP posts:

caughtinanet · 12/03/2011 14:43

northernlurker - of course its not a child free world but its illogical to extend that to say that therefore children should be present on all occasions.

You say "I think it's pretty shabby to start off your life together by excluding children who very often the bride and groom know really well." - its the bride and groom who've decided they don't want children - its totally their prerogative to invite or exclude anyone they wish.

I genuinely don't understand why anyone thinks they get a say in who's invited to someone else's wedding.

Becaroooo · 12/03/2011 14:47

Yes, it happened to me at my wedding.

It was the evening reception and it was a workmate of my dh...turned up with his 2 dc in tow and didnt even make an excuse like "couldnt get a babysitter" or "the babysitter was ill"....just brought them.

I had to spend the rest of the evening being glared at by the other guests who were told "no children" and abided by our wishes (well, lack of finances really!)

sigh.

Not something I would ever dream of doing. We have been invited to an evening reception in May and if there is a last minute problem then only one of us will go and other other will stay with the dc.

moodymama · 12/03/2011 14:50

Did you not consider number when booking the venue?

No, I wouldn't consider bringing kids no matter what the emergency, I just wouldn't go if need be. Got to be pretty brazen and selfish to think your presence is so important that you can make up your own rules!

DebiTheScot · 12/03/2011 14:50

human's first post made me think she was a bit a rude but I don't now. If I'd flown to another country just to go to a wedding and ended up in the same situation I think I'd maybe do the same. BUT it depends on who the bride and groom are. It'd come down to whether I thought they would rather I took the kids or didn't turn up at all.

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 14:51

human. I am worrying about it as it just a thought that popped into my head and I can't seem to shake it off! I am a bit bonkers like that! The children are 10 & 7 so couldn't be easily accomodated at a table for 20. It would utterly ruin the day for me.
Becarooooo, that is awful. well done for not saying anything. I don't think I would be so dignified.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 14:53

Moodymama, I only want a small wedding. Thats why I chose this private room for 20 people. I don't mind having to exclude certain friends but I certainly don't want to use up valuable places on children.

OP posts:

Janefeelsold · 12/03/2011 14:53

But If Human and her DH had flown there with their kids, who was going to look after the kids whilst they were at the wedding?

I think in an emergency, even I would relent (space allowing) but would expect sincere apology and parent to take child out at first sign of noise.

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 14:55

I won't back down if people bring uninvited guests. I will ask them to leave. Not ruining a day for idiots that can't understand simple instructions.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 12/03/2011 14:56

Janefeelsold, humanoctopus has already explained that they were going to "tag-team" with the DC back at the hotel but it obviously became impossible when her DH had an asthma attack.

Janefeelsold · 12/03/2011 15:03

Yes, as I said, I don't think you could ever dictate if an emergency situation arose.

DH and I were once due to go out to eat at a very exclusive wait for months for a table resturant. About 15mins before we were due to go, we heard a scream from next door. Turns out, our elderly widowed naighbour had fallen down the stairs. We went round and called an ambulance but she was 'just' bruised and shaken and didn't want to go so we ended up staying with her until her daughter arrived about an hour later. Missing our night out in the process.

These things happen, what can you do! This doesn't mean Hammy should not ask people to respect her wishes under normal circumstances.

Cyclebump · 12/03/2011 15:04

I think humanoctopus's situation was a bit of a one off...

I'm nearly 37 weeks pg with DC1 and my sister got engaged in November. Her wedding in July is child-free, and that includes mine. I'll admit I was a bit but she doesn't want the baby to scream during the vows. TBH, neither do I, so DP will take baby for a walk during the ceremony. He may come to the reception afterwards depending on bfing requirements etc.

The problem is that we have a relative with two DCs and they CANNOT behave. If she thinks my baby is coming, she'll assume her kids are also welcome and, to be frank, they're not.

Stress the space issue as well as the money angle. My sister's reception venue is also unsuitable for children, is yours? It's in a smart restaurant and there are stairs and an open balcony.

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 15:07

There isn't a single circumstance that I would relent on this over.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 12/03/2011 15:12

I admit I find it slightly strange that people can't differentiate between babes in arms and mobile children.

My brother came alone to my wedding because it was child free - he doesn't get on with any of us that well or he could have brought his two children and they could have done what my sis's children did. But he wouldn't have thought of doing that because it would have involved asking me.

But the day after he was whinging to my mum in hospital that I had had children at my wedding after all - referring to the 2 bf babies. I know they are children technically but they're babies - their parents would have taken them out if they had so much as whimpered during the ceremony and they were no trouble at the meal because they didn't eat any food and didn't need a seat. Children are a different kettle of fish entirely and my bro's children are abysmally behaved.

Cyclebump · 12/03/2011 15:13

Sorry, should have clarified, I have sister's permission to bring baby to reception if I need to...

Was just trying to think of other reasons you can give to stress that no children are able to come as I agree with OP, it's your wedding. If you say no kids, it's no kids.

thumbwitch · 12/03/2011 15:14

Hammy - I don't think you should relent and I don't think anyone is saying that you should. I think any discussion of relenting is really in relation to what humanoctopus wrote, in her very peculiar situation.

But I do think you should make it crystal clear on the invitation that the children of this couple are not invited. Specifically - "your children are not invited". That way they can't claim to misunderstand.

FluffyDonkey · 12/03/2011 15:16

Hammy

I understand your worry. We had a very small wedding too (30 people including us).

I think you have two options :

You (or DH) make sure they understand before the wedding that space is limited and children cannot physically attend

AND/OR

Delegate the task of speaking to the couple on the day IF they turn up with children in tow. You will have enough to do and if you know that someone else has taken the responsability you will breathe easier and be able to concentrate on enjoying yourself!

I delegated all timing stuff to my witnesses - they made sure everyone knew where they had to be and when which was great because often I was busy sorting out something else, or leaving before everyone or being in photos etc. etc.

Oh and by the way, congratulations!!! I loved our small wedding and I particularly love the group photo which we took of everyone

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 15:22

Thank you FluffyDonkey. I did wonder what I would actually do if they brought their kids so a delegated person to sort it is a great idea. I am a natural worrier and am concerned that I will walk into the ceremony and they'll be there and what should be a wonderful moment will be spoiled as my mind will be going ten to the dozen fretting about what to do!

OP posts:

shemademedoit · 12/03/2011 15:30

DH and I were invited to a wedding where 3 of my 4 kids were invited. We expressly were asked not to bring the youngest because he was only 6 weeks old and the bride was worried about noise AND wanted me to have time off as well! It was our old nanny getting married, and there was loads for kids to do (Infact she even had a cake for my 2 year old, and a mention in the speeches because it was his birthday). At first I was put out that my tiny wasn't invited, but she had her reasons, and it was her wedding. I think you've GOT to obey the wishes of the bride and groom. If it doesn't suit, then you can decline the invitation. Simple.

shemademedoit · 12/03/2011 15:31

Forgot to add that having someone ready to tackle them is a fabulous idea.

LaWeasel · 12/03/2011 15:53

TBH, I think you should make it very clear to people in advance (and this couple) that their kids are definately not invited, and will not be allowed to intend if that's the way you want it.

But no - I would never ever dream of taking a child to a child-free wedding, we asked if we could once, when our babysiteer fell through a week before. But the couple insisted on no and we worked something out eventually. If we hadn't been able to DH would have gone on his own.

DuelingFanjo · 12/03/2011 15:59

"if the couple couldn't get a babysitter and had to bring their children, we would have to review our wedding list to find which 2 guests to drop from the list to accomdate the 2 children"

But if they do what you suspect they will and bring the kids on the day anyway without discussion then it will be too late for you to change anything or drop 2 guests, so the couple would have to sort out putting their kids somewhere (in the bar?) themselves.

humanoctopus · 12/03/2011 16:17

Janefeelsold We always go to child free events in a relay style manouvre. It works very well.

I think that when it comes to child free events, the inviter has to consider that some people may not be able to attend due to childcare issues.
If they are ok with that possibility, then fine, but hopefully wouldn't get huffy for non-attendance.

Sometimes its down to how much you want someone there.

RunAwayWife · 12/03/2011 16:31

I would not take my children to a child free wedding and I think it would be incredibly rude to just turn up with your children when it was made clear that they were not invited, I mean you would not take along your MIL or other person so why feel you have the right to drag your children along when they are not invited

lazylula · 12/03/2011 16:39

I would never turn up with my children if they were not on the invite but unless I could get my mum or mil to babysit then we wouldn't got (to the day part), at night we could use one of the babysitters we use generally. If I couldn't get a sitter then I would not go, but would expect the bride and groom to respect that, as the op has said they would.

GiddyPickle · 12/03/2011 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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