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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have you ever taken a child to a child-free wedding?

454 replies

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 13:01

This isn't a rant about attitudes to children at weddings. Due to finances, I am having a v.small wedding (20 people for the ceremony & reception) so having to exclude lots of adults that we would rather have there. I am just worried that one of the couples we are inviting will ignore the no-children stipulation and bring theirs anyway. If they do, there will be no-where for them to sit as the room we have hired for the reception is a table for 20 only. Have you ever ignored the no-child comment on an invite?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 14:11

I hope human isn't the MN name of the mother I am worrying about! If it is, hopefully this thread will stop her doing it again in future.

OP posts:

caughtinanet · 12/03/2011 14:12

That's not the point though is it humanoctopus.

The bride had decided for her reasons that there were to be no children. It seems arrogant and selfish to think that you have a right to ignore her wishes.

You were obviously in a difficult sitaution but she was having a once in a lifetime day - height of rudeness in my book.

humanoctopus · 12/03/2011 14:12

Is it just child gatecrashers people object to or adults too?

I have been to a good few weddings (being all ancient in years) and there have been some with adults who weren't invited (unexpected houseguests, switch in boyfriends, etc).

frgr · 12/03/2011 14:15

i'm apalled anyone would even consider bringing children to a wedding which has been stated as being childfree - how odd!

so no i wouldn't. i would expect information on it being childfree though, which i assume has been done, and i would just not go (and send a present/well wishing in my space) if i couldn't afford a babysitter if DH was invited too

really shocked that anyone would turn up with uninvited children at all - esp to a very small tiny wedding where it's so obvious

lenak · 12/03/2011 14:16

I wouldn't, but if I had a very young child, I probably wouldn't attend full stop.

Hammy If this bloke in the couple is your DP's best mate, how will your DP feel if they say they can't come at all because they can't get a sitter or don't want to leave the kids?

Not saying you should change the no kids stipulation, but you can't get huffy about it if they decide not to come.

I can't believe people are still having a go at Human - what was she supposed to do - schlep round a foreign city for a whole day with two kids in tow?

If any of you would make one of your best mates do that in the circumstances outlined, I'm glad I don't know any of you in real life.

caughtinanet · 12/03/2011 14:17

At a wedding any uninvited guest shouldn't be there - who has an unexpected houseguest and says "Oh we're going to a wedding, why don't you just come along with us" ?

For a church wedding I think its OK to go to the ceremony (church services are open to all I think) or go and watch outside but the reception should be a total no-go

pigletmania · 12/03/2011 14:18

I would never do that, If we couldent find childcare we would not go.

mycatoscar · 12/03/2011 14:19

well as long as you got what you wanted then humanoctopus eh!

Janefeelsold · 12/03/2011 14:19

Personally, I wouldn't have been huffy about anyone not coming inc close friends and family. If they can come to what we want then great, otherwise I completely understand. They aren't entitled to be there just becaus ethey're our siblings or cousins.

Janefeelsold · 12/03/2011 14:22

Who says a wedding needs to be about family? Why can't the bride be precious? It is one day in her life and she should be allowed to have what she wants even if that puts other people out.

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 14:22

lenak, if the couple couldn't get a babysitter and had to bring their children, we would have to review our wedding list to find which 2 guests to drop from the list to accomdate the 2 children. We have 12 immediate family members and 8 friends. Personally, I would rather the children didn't come. It would be up to DP though.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 12/03/2011 14:24

I don't get why people object to childfree weddings. If you don't want to go/ can't go becasue of bf'ing or no chilcare/ or whatever, don't go. Simples.

Personally, I love going out to dinner with just dh, going to a party, with just dh, and although I have never been invited to a child free wedding, if I was, I would definitley go.

Janefeelsold · 12/03/2011 14:28

Oh don't review your list and don't offer to squeeze them in. I would have asked the person who turned up with the child to leave.

But then I also had a confrontation with a school mum who brought her other childe to the party and asked the play centre just to add one more to the bill. The woman called me over and I said, no, if you want her in, you'll have to pay. She then cheekily asked if she could have the spare party bag for her other child as one child hadn't turned up. When I said no (intended to drop it off) she had a go at me saying it wasn't fair to give to one and leave a 3yr old out when she was too young to understand. It's the same sense of entitlement IMO.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 12/03/2011 14:34

Humanoctopus - you say you can't see the problem with your dc gatecrashing the wedding - but it wasn't your decision to make. Frankly it is irrelevant whether or not you thought it was OK - it was up to the bride.

For all you know, other guests might have had a go at her later, or bitched about her behind her back, because they had left their children at home as requested, and then you turned up with yours. And she might have been upset that you ignored her directly stated wishes - and that might have put a blight on her wedding day.

And yes, I think gatecrashing is rude whether it is done by a child or an adult.

Have you spoken to your friend since the wedding and explained why your children were there, and apologised for the fact that you 'had' to bring them? If not, I suggest you do, pronto.

Northernlurker · 12/03/2011 14:35

I haven't taken children to a chid free wedding but neiter would I rule it out in extreme circumstances.
Child free weddings are a load of bollocks imo anyway. Do you live in a child free world? Do you intend to exist in an adults only bubble? Is a wedding in fact about the start of your life together in the world? It's not about dead silence during vows or your amazing dress or how much you've spent on a pretentious dinner. It's about love and relationships and I think it's pretty shabby to start off your life together by excluding children who very often the bride and groom know really well.

valiumredhead · 12/03/2011 14:37

Oh ffs!!

I know lots of people really well - doesn't mean I wanted them all at my wedding!

Rabat · 12/03/2011 14:37

There is no way I would take a child to a wedding if they were not invited.

I have had two weddings now - one medium sized and children were invited (all the children of friends/family members I had invited). My second was tiny, like yours, just room for 23 people including us (champagne reception followed by a 5 course meal in a private dining room in a 5* hotel). It was also an evening wedding. My very close friend's son was invited (14 at the time) but my three pre-schooler/toddler neices and nephews were not. I felt that was entirely reasonable and, to be knowledge, no offence was taken.

I do think that children 'add' to a medium to large size wedding in a positive way but when numbers are severely restricted etc like my #2 and your wedding it makes complete sense not to have them there. If anyone does turn up to your wedding with children in tow then I would see that as a deliberate act of malice and extremely selfishnes and have no hesitation in requesting that they leave with their children and almost certainly lose the 'friendship'.

Original poster

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 14:38

Janefeelsold, I can't believe they asked you to add one more to the bill! That is outrageous.
There is simply not enough room to squeeeze 2 kids on to the table. Anyway, it's a wedding not just a cheap afternoon meal so I don't want people feeling squashed. If the kids turn up, I will ask the family to leave. Better that than me quietly seething for the whole day.

OP posts:

humanoctopus · 12/03/2011 14:39

StayingDavidTennantsGirl She made me godmother to her recently born daughter, and did understand why I went with the ds's in tow.

Janefeelsold · 12/03/2011 14:39

But Northern, some couple have no intention of having kids themselves and had no interest in children. They don't go to parties with kids or holidays were kids may be. Why should a day that is so important to them be full of kids?

It is their day. A wedding is not a community event unless you want it to be. It is a celebration and party just like any other.

IME of weddings with kids, they do make noise and run around and all the parents just say 'well that's what kids do' rather than give any thought to the wishes of the couple whose day it is.

valiumredhead · 12/03/2011 14:41

human are you sure you didn't just turn up at the christening service and demand to be Godmother?

Janefeelsold · 12/03/2011 14:41

Hammy, I agree. And tbh, you will be cross about it all day which will ruin your day somewhat and still be cross for ages afterwards when you think about it. Not worth it in IMO.

valiumredhead · 12/03/2011 14:41

It is their day. A wedding is not a community event unless you want it to be. It is a celebration and party just like any other.

I agree!

thumbwitch · 12/03/2011 14:42

I had a child-free wedding but I did allow bf babies (2) to come. I also had my 3 nieces there for the photos and for the evening, but not for either the ceremony (no space) or the meal. But then they lived very locally so it was fairly simple for my BIL to drop them off to his mother while the meal happened. If someone had brought their child along without checking beforehand that it was ok I would have been pretty angry - but nearly all the guests were my friends and family as DH is from overseas and I couldn't see me turning them away if they had turned up with their children. However - they wouldn't have had a table place, they wouldn't have had anything to eat so it would have been a bit tricky.

Humanoctopus - I actually think that what you did wasn't so bad because you were really stuck. I presume you had flown out to this place specifically to attend the wedding? So it would have been awful not to then be able to go to the event you had paid out all that money for. I hope the bride didn't mind too much - at least there were other children there.
But I can see from the other posters that I am in a minority here.

Hammy - you need to make it blatant that there is no room for these people's children. Not that it is preciously child free, just that there is no room. It might be worth not even saying that it is child-free (as some people might take that to mean that they couldn't possibly mean their little Tarquin and Amabel) but just saying very plainly on the invitation that due to limitation on numbers, regretfully the children are NOT included in the invitation.

Janefeelsold - !

humanoctopus · 12/03/2011 14:42

Hammy02 What makes you think that they will just turn up with children?
I hate to think of you fretting this much before the day and possibly having a confrontation on the actual day itself?
If you feel that strongly, maybe you should grab the bull by the horns now and have it out with them.

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