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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you ever taken a child to a child-free wedding?

454 replies

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 13:01

This isn't a rant about attitudes to children at weddings. Due to finances, I am having a v.small wedding (20 people for the ceremony & reception) so having to exclude lots of adults that we would rather have there. I am just worried that one of the couples we are inviting will ignore the no-children stipulation and bring theirs anyway. If they do, there will be no-where for them to sit as the room we have hired for the reception is a table for 20 only. Have you ever ignored the no-child comment on an invite?

OP posts:
Wamster · 16/03/2011 10:41

I don't think it's about taking anybody's future wedding apart at all. I think people are done a service here because there are people who know what is actually allowed during wedding services.
If I didn't want children present at a wedding service, I'd want to know if my wishes were possible or not.
It's no good standing there in the church thinking, 'Well at least no kids are going to spoil the vows' when a passer-by off the street can walk in with a pram and the baby starts crying.
Better going off to a secluded, country hotel where there is much less chance of this happening.

TandB · 16/03/2011 10:47

This "anyone can walk in" business always comes up on these threads and I really can't imagine it happens very often. Small village weddings maybe - the local old ladies turning up to coo over the bride. But really, has anyone been to a wedding where some random stranger wandered in with a crying baby just to have a bit of a nose around? I know I haven't!

Just because this could, in theory, happen, doesn't mean that the bride and groom cannot ask their guests to respect their wishes re: children at the wedding and they have a complete and total right to enforce those wishes when it comes to the reception which is, after all, just a party that they are paying for.

People say that they don't think much of a bride and groom who impose their wishes on their guests. I wouldn't think that a bride and groom would think much of a guest who insisted on dragging their children along to the church service just because it is their legal right to do so, when they are going to have to make arrangements for later in the day when they attend a party that the children aren't invited to.

I am trying very hard to imagine what would go through a guest's mind to turn up at a service with their child and say "well you can't stop my child coming in - anyone can come in". If someone is willing to be that weird and abrasive at a wedding then what on earth are they doin turning up at all?

fastedwina · 16/03/2011 10:58

the church I got married in is our local one where our parents, relatives got married have their funerals, me and husband were christened, had first communion there etc. It's very much a part of the community where people walk in to sit or pray all the time. Of course, members of that church or that community walk in to sit and watch what is going on whether they know the person or not - same with funerals - it's not all about being invited, they are open community events where often that community is interlinked.

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 11:10

ooo, another "non-argument". How is an elderly person comparable to a small child who needs to be watched constantly? Unless they have advanced dementia with interesting behavioural traits, in which case I would think that there would be a question over whether or not a wedding would be appropriate for them.

Seriously! small children are not independent. They need to be taken care of. When they are, it can limit their parents' relaxation time; when they're not it limits many other guests' relaxation time.

Habbibu · 16/03/2011 12:08

Oh, that's risky, thumb, and unfair - other adults aren't always independent, and should be allowed to be invited to things. Besides, I think that was a joke about the elderly, wasn't it?

My point about the more risky guests is much more pertinent. It's a minefield, I tells ya.

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 12:17

I think the original point about the elderly was a joke, Habbs, yes - but then someone decided to take it seriously.

I remember a thread where someone was talking about their father who had severe dementia - can't remember what the discussion point was - but they chose not to have him to the wedding because it would be too confusing for him. It is so dependent on individual circumstance though!

To be fair, I have seen people discussing whether or not they should invite their alcoholic relative to their wedding as well, given that the chances of them making a show of themselves and potentially wrecking everyone else's enjoyment was pretty high - again, it's a tough choice.

But unless the adults in question have severe SN, or dementia, or similar - they will have some knowledge of how to behave in a group situation - which small children don't intrinsically have and won't have unless their parents teach them. If their parents don't teach them then they're going to have troubles when they grow up as well, I guess.

Habbibu · 16/03/2011 12:18

Yes, but what about the person with aspirations to pop stardom, or the ex-with-a-torch, or the person with honking sneezes? Elopage, it's the only way.

fastedwina · 16/03/2011 12:46

who wants a perfect stepford wife wedding? My drunk uncle started eating his meal with his hands before getting up and sang some bad opera then sat on Dh bosses wife's (they had only treavelled 400 miles for the do) knee and serenading her - he then staggered off to the bar for the rest of the wedding. Ah, we had fun and all that was even before the speeches and then it was Dh's families turn.

happiestblonde · 16/03/2011 13:05

Ha it's fine.

Was the list of children, exes and potential wedding singers a joke? Because I'm also banning them too. Along with alcoholics but not the elderly.

happiestblonde · 16/03/2011 13:08

Perfect stepford wife wedding would suit me rather nicely actually. In Surrey. Life is certainly not going to be that way so a beautiful child-free day of elegance and white flowers? Ideal.

And of course I was joking about locking people in a church. Jesus!

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 13:11

Gawd Fastedwina - there is a huge spectrum of weddings from "stepford wife perfection" down to "complete fucking shambles" - it's not one or t'other!

DebiTheScot · 16/03/2011 13:16

some of you are getting a tad carried away now Grin

fastedwina · 16/03/2011 16:38

thumb - 'Gawd Fastedwina - there is a huge spectrum of weddings from "stepford wife perfection" down to "complete fucking shambles" - it's not one or t'other!'

coarse there is, but are you saying that mine was a "complete fucking shambles" - how very dare you!!!

thumbwitch · 16/03/2011 21:44

no, I didn't say that at all - you're assuming it from my spectrum range!
I'm hoping you're being tongue in cheek there so shall add a Grin just in case.
Have you never watched Weddings from Hell, woman? There are some atrocious things that happen on there!

daisydoofer · 16/03/2011 23:03

I wish I had ever recieved an invitation stating "no kids". Then I would have had a great excuse not to attend(no childcare). I hate weddings! Grouchy old mare..... I know. I know....Grin

sunnydelight · 16/03/2011 23:59

I think if you excluded alcoholic relatives from most Irish weddings thumb you would see the tumbleweed blowing down the church Grin (I'm Irish so I'm allowed to say that btw even before I start on the guinness as it's Paddy's Day!).

thumbwitch · 17/03/2011 01:17

ah but sunnyd - if everyone's on the sauce, it doesn't matter so much, does it now! Grin
Happy Paddy's Day to you - tried to persuade DH to wear his Guinness hat out today (he's half IRish too) but he was too scared sensible!

happiestblonde · 17/03/2011 15:36

This discussion has been rather useful for me. I think that specifying no kids for my wedding would be a FANTASTIC way of working out which of my friends from my early 20s have turned into the 'kids must go everywhere' wildly boring brigade so I can know for future reference

stubbornhubby · 17/03/2011 15:56

your wedding sounds like it's going to be just peachy fun.

happiestblonde · 17/03/2011 16:19

Does anyone really find other people's children cute? No. Do they want to have to pay for children's meals? Do they want to have to listen to them screaming through some of the most important words they will ever say?

NO

My party wedding, my rules. :)

gdmts1981 · 17/03/2011 16:53

It is things like taking your kids no a no kids event that give parents a bad name

Wamster · 17/03/2011 17:19

happiestblonde I don't understand how a person who is agnostic can view Catholic vows as important. It's farcical.

For the millionth time, it is not possible to bar children- or indeed anybody- from a wedding service.

The party? The reception? Yes, yes, yes, but Not the vow bit.

Wamster · 17/03/2011 17:19

I will add that Catholic vows are not farcical if person Catholic.

happiestblonde · 17/03/2011 21:29

Hmmm fine but as someone said earlier it is unlikely someone who happens to walk by with a crying child will pop in for kicks. And I can strongly request that no kids are brought to the service OR reception and hope that most people do not know churches are a free for all, as I didn't. I'd also like to hope that my guests would respect my wishes or not come.

I'm not agnostic I'm just.... confused and my mind is disrupted with other things, like life.

fastedwina · 17/03/2011 21:59

fair enough to hope that kids don't attend the service but you need to chill out and not stress as there is a good chance that it being a catholic church, the members will know that they can pop along to these things especially if the bride or groom comes from that community. At mine loads of uninvited folk came to the service as they like a gander or know the family - it's lovely, seriously - don't stress the small stuff.