Have you ever taken a child to a child-free wedding?

[Hammy02]

This isn't a rant about attitudes to children at weddings. Due to finances, I am having a v.small wedding (20 people for the ceremony & reception) so having to exclude lots of adults that we would rather have there. I am just worried that one of the couples we are inviting will ignore the no-children stipulation and bring theirs anyway. If they do, there will be no-where for them to sit as the room we have hired for the reception is a table for 20 only. Have you ever ignored the no-child comment on an invite?

I know. But I still wouldn't want children there for so, so many reasons.

I am a lapsed Catholic, as is DP. My Mother who died when I was young was v Catholic and so I sort of run with it for her - the rights or wrongs of that are for another thread - DP is also a lapsed Catholic with two ultra catholic parents. His brother is getting married in April and I think DCs are allowed, not sure, but I cannot imagine his parents minding us making it adults only which (if he ever proposes) we definitely will. DCs are lovely creatures, I would happily babysit for friends and I want my own, but not at my wedding!

happiestblonde People are free to have whatever wedding they wish, but I honestly do not see the point of having a Catholic wedding that does not involve children as they are a big part of Catholic life.

True catholics are family and community -minded, and I think that your wedding -no dc's , closed off- is very secular. Nothing wrong with your wedding, but it does seem to be at odds with Catholicism.

Not that I care as such as I do not believe in sky fairies and dislike organised religion.

Dunno, Wamster - my family are all catholic, and not so different from most people these days. you'd be hard pushed to find ones who understood Latin!

I can't believe anyone would feel it's OK to ignore a no kids rule. End of. I had a big wedding and lots of kids and we were fortunate to be able to lay on separate entertainment and food and childcare but that was our choice. I have been to weddings with and without kids and enjoyed them equally - it's about what makes the B & G happy - it's their day, their choice, their money!

Worse than this, a colleague I felt obliged to invite (but never particularly liked) brought with her to our evening reception the married man she had been sleeping with for a few weeks. I only spotted him when we did the big circle to say goodbye to everyone at the end and it royally pi**ed me off! Needless to say, never spoke again. Didn't she get the rudeness and irony???

Only invited persons should attend events.

Latin A level rather than a result of religion :)

I fully understand what you're saying and you are right but I guess the fact my religious feelings are as shallow as a carpark puddle are reflected in my desire to have a wedding as a one-off day celebration of love rather than an expression of my beliefs regarding family, religion and community.

My kids have been to plenty of weddings. Always quiet during the vows (when little often asleep). Never got mess on the bride, only had cuddles when Bride wanted to. Actually could easily have saved meals when v.little as often slept through.
Only been when invited!

Worst they ever did was DS vomit on father of Bride at the rehearsal dinner in the US, but FOB was fine and loves kids. (He did volunteer to take small jet lagged baby for a walk.)

how much are you spending on the reception OP?

It's just that another thread where a bride was worried that her guests might want to bring their loved ones to her small, intimate wedding, and it turned out the reason it was small was becasue she was spending £500 a head. She couldn't see that she could spend £450 a head and have happier guests at her party.

Or is it that you don't actually WANT children.

It's horses for courses isn't it.

I don't particularly like children, but I wouldn't exclude them from my wedding or party - mainly because I don't know many people with very young children so it's not an issue. Also, I'm pathetic and I don't like to risk upsetting people or having confrontation.

In my experience whatever you do ends up upsetting someone and leads to confrontation anyway, so you might as well do what you like.

I had the opposite problem really - got married abroad so no issue with the ceremony, and invited kids to the meal/reception back home. When it came to it their parents turned up and said "oh Tarquin has gone to a gig instead, and Emilia has gone to a friend's house"... oh no problem then! It's only cost me £50 for them not to come! I thought that was damn rude.

I'd have no problem with someone saying their party was 'child-free', and I'd go without my child if it was possible, or otherwise not go at all but they've no right to be offended by that.

I totally get why the OP, the BBQ-throwing lady, HumanOctopus's friend, and anyone else for that matter, choose to have a No Kids rule. It's their party/wedding/house/garden, they have a right to say who turns up. You wouldn't turn up at NOBU without a booking and have the same sense of entitlement.

happiestblonde -catholic church weddings are open to the public - anyone can come in and witness it AFAIK. We had one and someone brought a baby in (not a guest and dropped the baby during the vows or service anyway. It wasn't a big deal or ruined anything and luckily the baby was ok. I had a big traditional, quite cheap and cheerful cobbled together - sort of cild free wedding. I did make exceptions for my nieces and nephews and a few children whose parents had to stay overnight etc (so not completely child free.)

I understand the bit about a one-off celebration of love, happiestblonde, but surely if a person wants this they don't have a Catholic wedding?
They have a secular one in a country hotel with a registrar.

It's like a macrobiotic vegan holding a dinner at McDonalds-it makes no sense.
I personally could not do it. Catholicism is not an easy going religion and I couldn't agree to bring my children up in the Catholic faith (a requirement for the couple) just to say a few words in Latin.

if you really want your church wedding have it, so what if you are lapsed. As I said earlier though be prepared that anyone can walk in off the street for the church service..

Well there it is: anybody can walk in off the street for a Catholic wedding.
Best off hiring a hotel in the country.

fastedwina, gee I am no upstanding whiter-than-white person at all, but even I would feel a total * fraud saying vows in front of a Catholic god that I had absolutely no faith in.
Fair enough if a person believes in it.

(makes mental note to lock door of church during wedding)

I do believe it but I'm not dominated by it, I believe in God and would never have an abortion but also believe in gay rights, same sex partnerships, the right to choice etc... just for the record... (bad, bad Catholic)

The venue is not cheap but no-where near £500 a head. It took us ages to find a venue with a private room, in the location we wanted. The room only seats 20. I have been with DP for ages so getting married is really just a formality so I don't feel the need to have a hundred people there. Bottom line is, I would rather have 20 adults than 12 with 8 kids. That's not so terrible is it?

well i did. I didn't get the wedding I wanted so ended up doing the church thing so that we could do it locally and have friends and family there (mostly catholic). I didn't like the idea of the registry and it wouldn't have accommodated everyone so we had a church wedding where everyone could come. Actually, I was nervous about it and not that looking forward to that part as we don't practice, but it was the loveliest part of the day. I meant what I said in my vows to my husband and the whole service was beautiful and personal. I never asked to be catholic, they happily put us through their teaching and ceremonies when i was a child and had no say, so no - I don't feel guilty about getting something back and it meant a lot to our families to - those who do practice.

That was to Wamster

Hammy not bad at all!! do it your way and don't bow down to other people's ridiculous ideas about how "your" wedding should be.

i'm not going to say any more about children at weddings because it makes my blood boil that some people think weddings are all about family and that children MUST be there, just because thats how they feel, and what could you possibly be thinking - frankly its all a load of balls . I absolutely believe in child free events, including weddings - anyone who takes offense needs to grow up.

make sure your DH (to be) has the chat about no kids though - just so that they are clear!!

not terrible at all

Highly entertained by the idea that if a couple don't want children at a wedding they shouldn't have had children out of wedlock! Not sure I see the logic there.

Also, has it occurred to the Who Cares If You Can't Hear The Vows brigade that the bride and groom might actually want to hear their vows themselves, peacefully and uninterupted by screams of "myyyyyy toy" from the back row? I think some people are so sniffy about it not being all about what the bride and groom want, that there is a growing sense that the bride and groom's wishes should be absolutely the last item on the agenda.

Bizarre.

kungfupannda agreed, there's some VERY entertaining posts here though

I particularly enjoyed the one about a wedding should be about love and commitment and having children, not about a party and an expensive dress.

So what if it IS about a party and an expensive dress?? Who is anyone else to judge! I understand that the perfect wedding might have been planned since the bride was 8 years old, she can do what she likes and it doesn't affect anyone else, not even those who are being invited without their kids - they can just (gasp) NOT GO!! Why can't other people empathise more with what the bride and groom want? It's their day.

And I speak as a former bride who's wedding became about everyone OTHER than me, even though I did it abroad! Disgusting. There are some people I will NEVER forgive.

Hmmmmmm, Katiewatie encapsulates the problem with setting such store by a very managed day. Her wedding has become a source of malcontent (people she will never forgive) for the rest of her life because it wasn't as she had built it up to be beforehand. That is sad, mostly for her.

Yes, my wedding day went wrong - cooker broke, hairdresser was rubbish (I had to rush off and rewash and dry it), my bridesmaid never let me get to the mirror to do my make up because she was so bothered about her own. But do you know what? I couldn't care less...my family and friends were there to celebrate a happy event. We all liked each other, danced, ate, drank wine and had a great time. My bridesmaid is STILL one of my oldest and best friends, and I love her dearly for all her foibles.

OP, this comment:

"Better to offend them than ruin my big day."

Are you sure you have your values straight?

You are hypothetically writing off 2 of your closest friends (only 20 guests and that includes family). You have predetermined to write off their friendship in order to have your "Big Day" exactly how you want it (??would that really include having a row and losing 2 of your friends?) And they haven't even done anything wrong yet!

You don't want DC at your wedding (fine, it's your party). You think that these 2 may bring their DC anyway and if they do you are planning to have a stand up row at your own wedding??? If you like them and want to be friends and know that they want to bring their DC so much that they would ignore the invitation, then ASK THE DC TOO. If you don't care and don't like them, then don't ask them to the wedding at all, as they are not your friends. You don't SEEM to like them as you are already assuming that they might be rude enough to turn up with uninvited guests.

Yes, it is YOUR big day but it is your life that you should consider more, and how you treat your friends will have a large effect on how happy that life is.

What is this nonsense about the bride doing what she likes about? Does she not realise that in order to have a 'big day' she must involve and appease her audience er, sorry, guests?

PROPER weddings ARE about family. I was not married in a 'proper' manner as I have no great truck with wedding vows- if you love someone, you love them, what difference do a few words make?- but understood I had to do so for legal reasons, something which I had absolutely no problem with (register office, two witnesses and a pub lunch) but at least I appreciate that family-young and old- is what a wedding is supposed to be about.

Frankly, the people who often need to grow up are the bride and groom who cannot appreciate how hard it is to attend their by wedding.
Just because they're making their relationship official, why the hell should everybody bow down to their (often ridiculous) desires? Jeez, they're getting wed not finding a solution to world peace. Who gives a ?

If you wouldn't come without your child
and you think that hearing the vows is not important
and you think most people are there for the free drink and food

then I don't want you at my wedding anyway.

Most people ARE there for the free drink and food.
Most people do NOT give a fig if they hear the vows.

FACT.