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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL (or other relative) folding up our smalls?!

244 replies

BigGingerCat · 11/03/2011 14:15

Yes, I realise this is not up there with "AIBU to not want my MIL to put her cigarette out on my baby's arm?" But I'm not sure if I'm peeved for no reason on this one, so turning it over to the Mumsnet jury!

I know she was only trying to help, and was probably trying to find something to do while I was out and she was very kindly watching baby DS. But I came back to find all the dried washing sorted out into piles: mine, DH's and baby's, all folded (even the underwear), and my DH's socks put into pairs and balled together. Lucky boy to have mummy on hand -I never bother to do this for him. Grin Maybe I would have been less funny about it if it was just bedlinen or something but, I dunno, it felt a little intrusive. Confused

This is not a gripe against MILs per se. Mine is generally lovely. I think I'd be funny about my mum or stepmum doing the same, and I certainly wouldn't start sorting laundry in a relative or good friend's house without asking if they wanted help. Is it then a question of boundaries and not automatically treating another woman's household as an extension of your own?

Didn't say anything of course as I know it is a v. minor point, but is anyone else a bit funny about this sort of thing???

OP posts:
VajazzHands · 12/03/2011 12:53

Actually back to the controlling thing how is

When someone marries my DS they get me too!

not controlling?

When someone marries my son I have the right to poke myself uninvited in to their lives and in to their pants. Pants which could have period stains spunk stains the odd skid mark.

Seriously just put the pants down and step away from the washing basket.

Carrotsandcelery · 12/03/2011 12:53

My mum did all my ironing once when we were away for the weekend. It was very kindly meant but I was really upset. She has arthritis so I knew it would have been painful for her which made me feel guilty. I was made to feel her pain though - she told me how long it took her and how sore she was afterwards etc. I love my mum but this really annoyed me. I had only asked her to move the post. She took it upon herself to rummage for my ironing.
YANBU.

mummyosaurus · 12/03/2011 12:55

YANBU

I was livid when DH let my FIL hang my (not so) smalls out on the line when I was in hospital with DC2.

Horrible.

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 12:57

"Seriously just put the pants down and step away from the washing basket."

Lovely Grin

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 12:58

I also feel sorry for the friends who ask if someone can help with a deliver only to find their filthy underwear's been breached.

Seeker, are you winding me up on that? Do you really, really, go unasked into people's dirty washing and underwear?

megapixels · 12/03/2011 13:00

YANBU at all. That is really invasive. I don't like my own mother doing it either. I think it's quite reasonable to not want other people handling your underwear, washed or not.

I know someone who fancies herself as a bit of a domestic goddess and does this at friend's houses to "help out". Bleurgh. Who the heck wants to handle their friends' dhs' underwear? [vom]

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 13:01

Seeker does?

VajazzHands · 12/03/2011 13:04

hee hee

cantspel · 12/03/2011 13:05

Toffeefudgecake Sat 12-Mar-11 11:56:05
I married DH, not my MIL. I am dutiful to my MIL. I try to be a good DIL. I certainly don't cut my DH off from any of his family. But his family are most definitely not my family and I don't consider them as such.

I would rather my dil had nothing to do with me rather than doing her duty or put up with me under sufferance. I would hope that dil would feel i was part of her family as think it is pretty awful if someone cant include their inlaws as part of their family. They are the people who bought your husband into the world and shaped him as the man you fell in love with and as such should be part of your ectended family.

fifi25 · 12/03/2011 13:05

ffs the op said her mother folded her clean washing. No one has said anything about hand washing peoples stained underwear. Whats so shocking about folding a pair of clean knickers. Unless they are crotchless ann summers ones. I think shes more hacked off with her MIL putting the socks in a ball tbh. Get a grip. Dont leave piles of washing lying about then she wont fold them.

cantspel · 12/03/2011 13:05

extended even

megapixels · 12/03/2011 13:07

What?

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 12/03/2011 13:14

Whenever my mother comes to visit I move any baskets of unfolded clean washing from my bedroom back down to the kitchen as I know she won't be able to stop herself folding it.
As far as I am aware DH hasn't got a problem with his MIL folding his boxer shorts, however if he has my answer will be then do it yourself. I wouldn't mind my MIL doing it either. I really don't see the problem.
YABU

VajazzHands · 12/03/2011 13:17

I would rather my dil had nothing to do with me rather than doing her duty or put up with me under sufferance. I would hope that dil would feel i was part of her family as think it is pretty awful if someone cant include their inlaws as part of their family. They are the people who bought your husband into the world and shaped him as the man you fell in love with and as such should be part of your ectended family.

Not really though.

exoticfruits · 12/03/2011 13:42

I don't think that I will have the least problem with a DIL, I get on very well with the various girlfriends. Luckily they seem to be very much like me-quite laid back and very family orientated. Since I am not likely to touch anyone else's laundry-I have enough of my own-I can't see it being a problem.
I was just commenting that I can't stand the statement ' I married my DH -not his family'-unless he is a foundling he comes with a whole host of people-he doesn't come alone!

exoticfruits · 12/03/2011 13:47

I think that people who don't get stressed out about getting in the washing and folding it are more likely to have good relationships.
I shall never be able to look at someone's washing line with the same eyes again after this thread!

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 13:48

Oh exotic, do be careful. Mil thinks she gets on very well with me. That's because I'm forbearing, and kind, and love my husband very much, and respect what women of her age went through to bring up a decent family.

But she's been horribly interfering, poisonously so, and if I didn't have to see her, I never would.

ashamedandconfused · 12/03/2011 13:49

I am in the hands off my knickers camp and I agree its about boundaries and not crossing them unless invited

When i dry the washing indoors,smalls except the kids' ones are hidden discretely at the rear of the airer next to the radiator, out of the sight of visitors

I have to go away next week, MIL will be helping Dh out while I am gone, i am considering checking the laundry basket and taking any dirty smalls away with me to stop her seeing them after reading this thread

and i dont care if people dont like that,i do not want anyone at all judging my knicks - would apply to my mum, sis and best friends too

and as for going in peoples drawers, well that is NOT ON

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 13:52

I think that people who don't get stressed out at looking at a laundry basket and rummaging therein will improve their relationships with the laundry baskets owners considerably.

ashamedandconfused · 12/03/2011 13:53

Oh and as for MALE relatives hanging out, bringing in my undies i would DIE of embarrassment

how can it be right for FILs to be seeing/handling their DILs sexy bits n pieces??

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 13:53

or should I say, looking at a laundry basket and not being able to rummage therein

cantspel · 12/03/2011 13:57

I wouldn't go looking for dirty washing but if stuff was dry on the line or airer then i would just fold it without even thinking about it.
I often will hang out washing/fold washing is i am at friends and they will lend a hand here. No one seems to want to hide their pants away.

ashamedandconfused · 12/03/2011 13:59

perhaps we need to get padlocks on our laundry baskets - mind you some would need them on the bedroom door and their drawers too (thats drawers in the furniture sense on the word)- I cannot believe that some MILs seem to think they have carte blanche to do as they wish in their DILs home

I nearly died when i came home from hospital with DD2 and FIL was hoovering the bedroom - ours was an absolute TIP, and I know he only wanted to help, but i felt bad, not pleased, not grateful, just judged and embarrassed and that our privacy as a married couple had been invaded

so all you well meaning MILs, just think how things might be seen from DIL POV

and melly wins the "competition" how did you ever look her in the eye again and was anything ever sadi about the incident of the pooey PJs??

Melly19MummyToBe · 12/03/2011 14:02

I think it's also embarrassing. You don't want your MIL to be handling your DPs favourite set of sexy undies that you wear especially for sexy time really do you? It was bad enough that my MIL hand washed my messy PJ bottoms and pants Blush I nearly died with mortification! What makes it even worse is that DPs 2 teenage brothers and dad were there and knew all about it! And his dad kept asking me if I "felt better yet" I don't think I will ever forget that till the day I die

Melly19MummyToBe · 12/03/2011 14:07

No, nothing was ever said again. Although when we got home I took a picture of her dog and had mr grandmas friend paint a portrait of him to say thank you for washing said PJs and pants taking me on holiday. Took a while to be able to look any of his close family in the eye! We ended up living with them for 10 months though so she did end up washing my smalls (and not-so-smalls) which I hated. She always got to my washing before I did.