To not want MIL (or other relative) folding up our smalls?!

[BigGingerCat]

Yes, I realise this is not up there with "AIBU to not want my MIL to put her cigarette out on my baby's arm?" But I'm not sure if I'm peeved for no reason on this one, so turning it over to the Mumsnet jury!

I know she was only trying to help, and was probably trying to find something to do while I was out and she was very kindly watching baby DS. But I came back to find all the dried washing sorted out into piles: mine, DH's and baby's, all folded (even the underwear), and my DH's socks put into pairs and balled together. Lucky boy to have mummy on hand -I never bother to do this for him. Maybe I would have been less funny about it if it was just bedlinen or something but, I dunno, it felt a little intrusive.

This is not a gripe against MILs per se. Mine is generally lovely. I think I'd be funny about my mum or stepmum doing the same, and I certainly wouldn't start sorting laundry in a relative or good friend's house without asking if they wanted help. Is it then a question of boundaries and not automatically treating another woman's household as an extension of your own?

Didn't say anything of course as I know it is a v. minor point, but is anyone else a bit funny about this sort of thing???

[nectarina]

My mil used to go through our luggage getting out our dirty washing until i told her not to. Now when we visit she asks us as soon as we arrive if we have any that needs doing, and the every four hours thereafter. I have a multitude of reasons for not wanting her to do them - i always lose tights and knickers - if they are plainish, she keeps them thinking they're hers, same goes for dp's smalls she just assumes they're fil's. once she threw away dp's jumper cos she didn't like it and offered to buy him another that was more to her taste. She also chases me around the flat with random smalls saying she doesn't know who they belong to, are they mine etc mortifying if they are, disgusting if they're not. I just don't want to discuss laundry with her all the time. I feel for you OP - it feels invasive no matter how well meaning the gesture.

[Melly19MummyToBe]

Oh god nectarina that sounds awful! I can't imagine being chased aorund by MIL with random pairs of pants though, that did make me laugh though :o sorry

[2rebecca]

No-one staying with us has ever raked through my laundary basket and I'd ask them not to do it again if they ever did.
If I'm staying with relatives for more than a few days (esp when kids small and going through washing at huge rate) I'd ask to use machine and if a small load would ask if they had anything to go in as well but would never rake through anyone else's washing pile, even my dads.
That's really rude.
Why not just ask them to stop? Anyone is welcome to do my ironing, but I prefer to fold my own smalls (and wish bloke would sort his out as well)

[omletta]

Ha I can beat you all; my MIL once colour coded my undies drawer!

Like Nectarina's she is obsessed with washing ( people and clothes ), when staying with us she puts her dirty clothes in my washing basket and gets quite distressed if they aren't returned (clean and ironed) within 12 hours! And yep this includes undies, sometimes with skidders!

She is a proper PITA, but she is DHs mum and DCs grandma, so I just get on with it

[nectarina]

I had another anecdote that i hesitated before sharing because i'm ashamed of the garment, but I used to wear (back in the late 90's!) a black cardigan that had fun fur cuffs and collar - this was the sort of fun fur that kind of went in clumps. Well, went in to breakfast to find FIL brushing it out with a hairbrush! found this extremely strange, the cardigan was never the same again.
Melly19, I'm glad you found it funny, I always think that something that happens can never be so bad if you get a good anecdote out of it.

[Melly19MummyToBe]

Well sometimes if you don't laugh about it you'll only cry lol! Depends on what it is of course, I don't think I will ever be able to laugh at PJ bottoms incident.

[exoticfruits]

I think that this is one of the funniest threads I have ever read.

[cornsilk678]

when I came back from work yesterday my mum had some of dh's boxers out in the kitchen. She said that she wanted to throw them out 'cos they had holes in. He'd have no undies left if she did that.

[ledkr]

those who know my mil probs know that mine are extreme but i really liked them at first it them who caused the issues by ignoring what we asked them NOT to do.I am also a mil and adore my dil we do lots together and i would class her as a friend cos i respect her wishes.
Anyway on a lighter note twas she who once gathered up my washing from my bedroom floor,i knew for a fact that my knickers werent clean as i was pg and on very strong iron tabs hence black skidders i was mortified.
I actually think bedrooms are out of bounds to other people full stop.

[2rebecca]

Unless you are a teenager who has only just moved out of the parental home or is back and forth from parents like at university then I think putting your dirty washing in someone else's washing basket is rude. If my MIL did this I'd ask her not too and provide her with a bag to keep it in and ask her to tell me when she wanted her stuff washing. I don't wash more than every 3-4 days normally anyway.
We always take a bag for putting dirty washing in.

[exoticfruits]

I'm not too keen on even the teen at university bringing back washing-although difficult to avoid!

I think that some people will have problems-I agree with ledkr about bedrooms, but judging by a recent thread on teenagers bedrooms a lot of people feel the need to control and force them to keep it to their own standards.
I don't see any problem-you simply close the door-if you are used to doing this you are hardly going to start going into bedrooms when they are married! However a lot of posters were 'my house, my rules' missing the point that it is 'our house' -if you start keeping out of things early it is just a habit. (not that I had realised that clean washing that had dried on a line was out of bounds!)

[littlebillie]

I have a lovely MIL, howvever she is guilty of the above and more.

She runs up stairs when she pops in to a few "jobs"
regulary tidies our bedroom
does the washing even smalls....
tells us occasionally how to run our lives.

I have to say, I have learnt to live with it. But there are times when it drives me crazy, especially when she goes into our bedroom.

I have only once really vented to DH once and he couldn't understand. My feeling now if this gives her pleasure then let her get on with it. She does mean well. Also there is one major plus, if we ever lose anything, I blame her. DH can't argue with me as he can't say she didn't as she will be poking her head in most cupboards.

I think this is her way of showing she cares......

[2rebecca]

It still sounds controlling to me. I wouldn't want any relative poking around my bedroom. The bedroom toys are private.
I don't want relatives doing jobs in my house unless asked to do so. They can go home if they are desperate to do extra housework. I can't imagine ever finding this endearing or acceptable behaviour.

[Chooshoes]

LOL at this thread! I was once on holiday at my PIL (they live abroad) and 15 wk pregnant with DD (so quite emotional!!!) it was into the second week and I had been putting our "used" smalls into a laundry bag in our empty case, with other worn items to make sorting laundry easier when we got home. Imagine my despair when DH and I were walking home from a dinner out and the first thing that greeted us was a huge line of washing (my smalls mainly) blowing in the wind . I was mortified, flounced to the line, unpegged all of them and flounced into the house ready for confrontation - only to be met by dozens of DH's relatives who had been invited to celebrate our baby news unbeknown to us - knickers!!! I can just about laugh about it now twelve years on!!!!!!!

[exoticfruits]

I bet your MIL ,littlebillie, was one of those who couldn't just close the door on a messy teenage bedroom-that is where it starts-once a control freak, always a control freak!

[2rebecca]

Some of you have such nosy relatives. Rummaging in someone else's suitcase! Bizarre. Do these people have no boundaries or respect for other people's privacy.

[sillybillymummy]

YANBU at all
I think he hearts in the right place though, so it's hard to say anything and seem ungrateful.

[thumbwitch]

I actually managed to stop my MIL from doing it accidentally. That nappy incident - I walked down the back path and saw them hanging on the line and went "oh no, she hasn't, not the nappies!" not realising that the back door was open (the fly door was shut but the actual door was open inside it) and she heard me. She hasn't done any washing since - although I have found my washing off the line and folded (still damp).
Airing cupboards are a rarity here as well, so it's not like you can put it in the airing cupboard and all will be well, oh no. You have to make sure things are dry before putting them away.

[littlebillie]

Exoticfruits, MIL mother to two boys. Girls would have set her straight very early on. Boys can be a push over, anything for a quiet life. I have DD so she is already asserting herself.

[exoticfruits]

I think that boys are a push over-which is why DIL/MIL relationship is often difficult.Boys should assert themselves more and insist that if they want a messy room it is nothing to do with mother-who can close the door on it! (probably she was buying his underpants until quite late on and so folding them is no big deal to her!)

(having said that I think that clean, dry washing that has been on the line isn't really private-and if it is remove it before visitors want to be helpful)

[2rebecca]

Agree re removing washing from line. I see that as just being helpful, but if the house owner was around I'd ask them first and only bring stuff in if about to rain/ about to dry to a crisp and they weren't around.

[luvviemum]

I used to find it a bit intrusive when my sister in law did things like this. However, I've now totally changed my mind and take the view that if she wants to help out and make my life easier, I'm delighted to let her.
It does involve a degree of relaxing your privacy boundaries but now I couldn't care less and am happy to accept any free help on offer. Anyone who makes my life run more smoothly is ok in my book!

[dexifehatz]

Yabvu I wouldn't mind if someone sorted and folded up all our clothes!

[MrsBonkers]

I don't want anyone (MIL, parents, friends,) doing ANY housework for me. This includes laundry and washing up.
When you come to my home you are a guest and do not have to 'earn' your keep by doing jobs.
I think my view on this springs from A)wanting to be a good host and B) feeling insecure that people helping think my home isn't good enough or I can't cope.

[thumbwitch]

MrsBonkers - I think I agree with your last point - someone else doing my housework/laundry for me always feels like a veiled or implied criticism, regardless of the actual motivation behind it.