To not want MIL (or other relative) folding up our smalls?!

[BigGingerCat]

Yes, I realise this is not up there with "AIBU to not want my MIL to put her cigarette out on my baby's arm?" But I'm not sure if I'm peeved for no reason on this one, so turning it over to the Mumsnet jury!

I know she was only trying to help, and was probably trying to find something to do while I was out and she was very kindly watching baby DS. But I came back to find all the dried washing sorted out into piles: mine, DH's and baby's, all folded (even the underwear), and my DH's socks put into pairs and balled together. Lucky boy to have mummy on hand -I never bother to do this for him. Maybe I would have been less funny about it if it was just bedlinen or something but, I dunno, it felt a little intrusive.

This is not a gripe against MILs per se. Mine is generally lovely. I think I'd be funny about my mum or stepmum doing the same, and I certainly wouldn't start sorting laundry in a relative or good friend's house without asking if they wanted help. Is it then a question of boundaries and not automatically treating another woman's household as an extension of your own?

Didn't say anything of course as I know it is a v. minor point, but is anyone else a bit funny about this sort of thing???

[exoticfruits]

drawers-not draws

[CheerfulYank]

I find myself once again thanking the Almighty for my dry, reserved MIL who wouldn't dream of doing anything w/o being expressly asked :o

[sundayrose10]

LOL melly's mil wins hands down.

[wendylovesbob]

My MiL would dream of folding her own knickers, never mind someone elses. She is far too glam for housework. And if she ever did catch sight of my smalls she would be horrified at the cotton sensibleness of it all.

She is French. The first time I met her she offered to take me underwear shopping in Paris. I blinked like a rabbit in the headlights politely made excuses, and our relationship never really got further than that.

[gooseberrybushes]

"I have never thought of a laundry basket as private!"

How completely extraordinary.

If I was sitting with my MIL's poorly husband while she did the weekly shop, can I with your impunity root through her knicker basket?

How very extraordinary.

[seeker]

I don;t go out to work, so I quite often wait in in friends houses for deliveries, repair men and so on. I always look round for things to do - and I wouldn't think twice about putting on a wash, or getting the laundry in if it rains. Wouldn't open a drawer, though.

Amazed to find that all my friends must have been seething with outrage all this time!

Oh, and I got my neighbour's washing in last week when it suddenly rained - should I have taken in everything but the pants???

[thumbwitch]

OP, I don't know whether or not it is unreasonable but I share your discomfort with it. MIL has in the past put on washes for me (without asking) and taken in washing for me (without asking) and I find it too invasive, especially when my underwear is involved.
It's obviously very kind of her but since she doesn't do the pre-soak that is required for DS's clothes (so some of them end up stained), and she brings things off the line before they are actually dry (so they have to be re-hung somewhere) it's not actually all that helpful of her and I wish she wouldn't do it.

She looked after DS one morning. I came home to find she had done a nappy wash, because they were on the line. Since they need an overnight soak (drypailed) and then their normal wash cycle is 2 hours long, they had to be re-done.

And I really don't like other people touching my underwear. Come to that, I don't like touching other people's underwear either, including DH's! (although I have no issue with DS's)

[Ormirian]

Gooseberry- I am not sure that folding up washing counts as rooting through a knicker basket. In fact I am not exactly sure what a knicker basket is.....

[seeker]

I agree. I think this talk of "rootig" anf "ferreting" is very odd.

Take washing from laundry basket. Put in washing machine.

Take out of machine. Peg (now clean - so no potential for embarrassing stains) on line.

Take in. Fold.

I genuinely can;t see a single problem with anyone doing that.

Of course, if your MIL was sniffing them to see if they'd do another day......

[gooseberrybushes]

"Take washing from laundry basket. Put in washing machine."

Somebody else's washing, including their dirty underwear, from somebody else's laundry basket into somebody else's machine? When you're just waiting for a meter man?

Really, really weird.

I cannot conceive of doing this in my friends' houses. If I were waiting in for them I'd make a cup of tea and read a magazine and I hope they would do the same.

[gooseberrybushes]

"I am not sure that folding up washing counts as rooting through a knicker basket. In fact I am not exactly sure what a knicker basket is".

I must have said knicker basket instead of ironing or washing basket. Sorry that was so tough to understand. I think getting someone's underwear out of a washing/ironing/laundry basket to do things with it is really weird.

[FancyALittle]

What is it with MIL and washing? Mine is obsessed. Obsessed with washing and with ironing too (she irons socks ). OP I think you are being a little unreasonable but only in comparison to my MIL.

She actively forages for dirty washing. So much so that she even found my dirty underwear that I'd hidden in a zip compartment of the suitcase because I didn't want her to wash it. When we stayed with her, she would COME IN at any moment and forage for washing, without asking. She only learnt her lesson when she came in to forage and found us, erm, enjoying each other's company under the duvet. Surprised she didn't try and wrench the dirty bedsheets from us come to think of it.

[exoticfruits]

I can see that washing is a whole minefield-I hadn't realised!
I just assumed that if washing was on a line and it started to rain I would be doing a favour by getting it in and that the person would like me to fold it to cut down on ironing-I had no idea that I mustn't touch knickers!
This leaves a quandry-do I bring in other things or just leave it all to get soaked, in that I must be looking at knickers if I decide to bring in sheets etc?
I must be odd-if mother or MIL come around and see a washing basket, they tend to get out the ironing board and iron it-I have just been pleased! (if I didn't want them to do it I would hide it away before they came).

[gooseberrybushes]

I would get washing in off a line if it was raining. But why would you go and look in someone else's laundry basket. I mean, why? Why?

[gooseberrybushes]

Strange arguments.

I would get washing in off a line, therefore I am allowed in someone else's laundry basket.

My mil has seen period pants therefore I should show her mine.

I must hide my laundry bin and washing/ironing basket when people come to the house as the very sight of it is an invitation to go in them and get my underwear out.

Who was it said different universe. Too right

[exoticfruits]

I think that you are missing the point!
They were not looking in the laundry basket to be nosy-they were being helpful in saving a job!
Maybe people should be clear on jobs at the start e.g. you can wash up, but you can't wash the kitchen floor OR you can't do any housework-or in my case you can do any housework you want

[gooseberrybushes]

that's funny

But anyway, I do think people ought to have the sense of boundary that prevents them going in a laundry basket. The reason doesn't matter: wanting to be helpful isn't an excuse for everything. You just don't go into someone's pants. It's doesn't matter if your intention was to be nosy. You just don't! I mean, some people do, obviously, but people who object haven't got "issues", they're just normal.

[exoticfruits]

Set up boundries-if you haven't done it you can't complain. I have made it clear that I don't want people putting my washing in the machine for me, but they can do the ironing if they wish (they are free not to ). Then you don't have any misunderstanding.
Since my knickers are hanging on the washing line for all to see (should they wish to (but I doubt whether they notice), I can't see why folding them from the washing basket is any different.

[gooseberrybushes]

You mean, people can do anything they want to unless you tell them not to?

Another odd argument exotic.

[gooseberrybushes]

Perhaps we just have different social norms. I know no one who would consider it acceptable to go in someone else's laundry basket, except my MIL.

Just a natural respect for privacy and boundaries without having to be told every little thing. Using your brain and your sensitivity.

[exoticfruits]

It isn't odd-the people who are likely to help me with housework know me pretty well (in one case since birth)so it is fairly easy to get some boundries from the start and then you don't get misunderstandings. Instead of seething, all OP has to do is say, politely, 'it was very kind of you to be helpful, but I don't like people sorting my laundry'.

[bronze]

My knickers are the one thing I hate mil helping with. Like yours op shes generally lovely but I don't want her going through my smalls.
Partly because they're 1.99 a pack cotton things.
Just realised how sad it is I'm embarrassed that my knickers are cheap because they are not a priority

[Rabat]

YANBU - I would feel the same.

I do think that is very sweeet of her though!

MY MIL, generally, doesn't step in and help at all but on occasion she has. I often have a big pile of dry clean washing waiting to be sorted on one of the sofas - I do now make it a priority that when anyone is left in the house without me there (or DH) I will either hide the whole lot or remove all the underwear and my clothes from the pile (I don't want anyone checking to see the size!).

I would proabably do any obvious tasks for my DS/DIL if I was at their house looking after children and they were napping etc. I think an ironing pile is a pretty obvious job. I would NEVER take it upon myself to wash someone elses washing though/go into the master bedroom - that is taking it too far.

I do think it is fair to assume that most people want to help and 2 min removing things that you don't want them to see/help with is probably time well-spent!

I can now see that I am lucky (!) as MIL is very good at not being intrusive and would know that doing certain jobs would make us both feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it has taken me years to 'get' that as communication isn't her best skill - or mine, I guess! I am cloaking up a whole list of things to do/not do as a MIL though. My #1 is to try and achieve and honest and open relationship right from the start.

[TheBolter]

YABU - and precious!

It's not like she was playing around with your dirty knickers. She very helpfully folded your CLEAN washing. Jeez.

[gooseberrybushes]

No one should need to ask anyone not to touch their underwear. Most normal people understand you don't do that.

I don't understand Seeker at all, saying that when she's in her friends' houses she goes into their dirty laundry.

That's just .................unusual.