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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL (or other relative) folding up our smalls?!

244 replies

BigGingerCat · 11/03/2011 14:15

Yes, I realise this is not up there with "AIBU to not want my MIL to put her cigarette out on my baby's arm?" But I'm not sure if I'm peeved for no reason on this one, so turning it over to the Mumsnet jury!

I know she was only trying to help, and was probably trying to find something to do while I was out and she was very kindly watching baby DS. But I came back to find all the dried washing sorted out into piles: mine, DH's and baby's, all folded (even the underwear), and my DH's socks put into pairs and balled together. Lucky boy to have mummy on hand -I never bother to do this for him. Maybe I would have been less funny about it if it was just bedlinen or something but, I dunno, it felt a little intrusive.

This is not a gripe against MILs per se. Mine is generally lovely. I think I'd be funny about my mum or stepmum doing the same, and I certainly wouldn't start sorting laundry in a relative or good friend's house without asking if they wanted help. Is it then a question of boundaries and not automatically treating another woman's household as an extension of your own?

Didn't say anything of course as I know it is a v. minor point, but is anyone else a bit funny about this sort of thing???

OP posts:

Melly19MummyToBe · 12/03/2011 10:31

I agree with you there Thumbwitch, I would never buy bras and knickers from a charity shop! People also buy clothes off ebay, if bras and pants are just normal pieces of clothing like jeans and t-shirts, would you buy someones' old knickers off ebay??

And exoticfruits, would you REALLY and HONESTLY want your MIL to go through your dirty laundry where your skimpy crotchless thong is hiding which DH previously removed with his teeth the night before?? Would you really be ok with that? That was an example by the way, you may not even own a skimpy crotchless thong. But if you did, would you want your MIL washing it?

exoticfruits · 12/03/2011 10:32

I think I will leave you all to it!
For the last time -she was not 'rummaging' around people's pants!!! She saw that some laundry needed sorting and she was trying to be helpful.
I would find it abnormal to 'rummage'through someone's knickers, but completely normal to fold their clean washing to save them a job and save some ironing-especially if I was a member of the extended family.
Obviously if I am a MIL I can be like the Queen-sit down -be waited on and not lift a finger! (However DIL can then start on AIBU about lazy MILs!)

exoticfruits · 12/03/2011 10:35

At what point was OP talking about dirty laundry?!
If I had an item like that Melly I wouldn't have had it on the line for all the neighbours to see in the first place-or on a radiator. (not with teenage DCs about-it would give them a laugh, if it didn't make them shudder with horror )

ledkr · 12/03/2011 10:39

my mil put our underwear away when i was in hospital-you can guess what i keep in my knicker drawer

VajazzHands · 12/03/2011 10:43

Sorry it is nor either MIl does fuck all and waits around for tea and biscuits like lady muck and expects dinners on request.. or gets in to your pants..

There is a happy middle ground where normal people live.

exoticfruits · 12/03/2011 10:59

I think the moral of the story is ask. One persons normal is abnormal to another. I expect some people would get cross at peeling potatoes.

bronze · 12/03/2011 11:01

Theres an easy option. Mil asks if you want her to d your washing for you.
My mil sometimes asks me when things have been tough so I give her the bedding and towels. Easy

seeker · 12/03/2011 11:01

6h, I can't bear people touching my vegetables!

seeker · 12/03/2011 11:05

I wasn just beginning to think I was wierd, when I realized that the thread is about a MIL folding clean washing!

Now I just cannot begin to understand not wanting a female member of your family touching your clean underwear!!!!!!!!!

Toffeefudgecake · 12/03/2011 11:07

gooseberrybushes Fri 11-Mar-11 16:55:16

Tis my experience that MILs feel they have a close enough relationship as soon as the knot is tied to do or say anything at all that pleases them and with a bit of luck also pisses off the daughter in law in a way that renders said daughter in law incapable of complaining without looking churlish and ungrateful.

Washing and folding the family underwear would be an absolutely perfect example.

And...

But now you've learned that lots of people think differently, and that a person who thinks this way might marry your son. That's the magic of conversation.

I'm with Gooseberry on this. It's about being sensitive to other people's boundaries.

I don't have a cleaner, but if I did I would not expect or want them to clean my loo either.

VajazzHands · 12/03/2011 11:10

female member of your family

I married DH, I did not marry his family. Not that I want anyone touching my pants.. but just because you have married someone's son does not mean you have an automatic amount of intimacy with them that comes form years of living with someone (like you would with yor sister or mum)

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 11:14

It's seeker doing her friends' dirty laundry. Oh well at least you wouldn't do that, exotic.

My mil would freak out to hell and back if I helpfully sorted out her pants, clean or otherwise. She'd do mine though.

exoticfruits · 12/03/2011 11:16

When someone marries my DS they get me too! They become part of the same family. I hate to think we get some woman who thinks he comes alone and wants to completely cut him off from all friends and relations! Luckily I don't think that he would be attracted to someone so possessive!

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 11:17

I don't want anybody doing these things unless I've asked them. Why would I? I'm not incapable. I'm just not in the house. It doesn't help. It's annoying. Leave my stuff alone. Go and clean your own house.

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 11:18

Yeah -- I think "don't touch my underwear" is not on the same scale as "get out of our lives". Not really.

pommedeterre · 12/03/2011 11:25

Exoticfruits - not liking people doing your laundry is being possessive? WTF? How would your DIL not wanting you to do her housework equal cutting you off?? Do. Not. Comprehend.
My house. My laundry. As per Gooseberry - got a cleaning urge? Then go home. Same rules for my mum and dad, my PILS and my friends. Nothing persona.l I just don't like people doing my housework.

VajazzHands · 12/03/2011 11:27

No they don't.. Cutting DH off from his family is not the same as expecting his parents to respect my privacy! If I don't like something why shoudl I put up with it.

Melly19MummyToBe · 12/03/2011 11:33

The way I see it, I'm big enough and ugly enough to be able to do my own housework without any interference help from MIL.

Simples

bronze · 12/03/2011 11:36

I love my mil
I've sung her praises on here and in other places. We chat more than her and dh do
But
I don't want her touching my smalls

I don't see how not wanting her touching my underwear amounts to me not wanting to have anything to do with her

Toffeefudgecake · 12/03/2011 11:56

I married DH, not my MIL. I am dutiful to my MIL. I try to be a good DIL. I certainly don't cut my DH off from any of his family. But his family are most definitely not my family and I don't consider them as such.

My knickers - clean or otherwise - are certainly out of bounds to them!

Toffeefudgecake · 12/03/2011 11:58

Exotic - When someone marries my DS they get me too!

I can see your future DIL on the AIBU thread in a few years' time....

Toffeefudgecake · 12/03/2011 12:46

Have I killed the thread?

Sorry .

cornsilk678 · 12/03/2011 12:48

my mum does this and it drives me crazy

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 12:50

"I hate to think we get some woman who thinks he comes alone"

Something about this makes me feel very uncomfortable. I also predict DiL trauma.

gooseberrybushes · 12/03/2011 12:51

I mean "we get some woman" ??

Your boundaries need renovation work.

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