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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL (or other relative) folding up our smalls?!

244 replies

BigGingerCat · 11/03/2011 14:15

Yes, I realise this is not up there with "AIBU to not want my MIL to put her cigarette out on my baby's arm?" But I'm not sure if I'm peeved for no reason on this one, so turning it over to the Mumsnet jury!

I know she was only trying to help, and was probably trying to find something to do while I was out and she was very kindly watching baby DS. But I came back to find all the dried washing sorted out into piles: mine, DH's and baby's, all folded (even the underwear), and my DH's socks put into pairs and balled together. Lucky boy to have mummy on hand -I never bother to do this for him. Grin Maybe I would have been less funny about it if it was just bedlinen or something but, I dunno, it felt a little intrusive. Confused

This is not a gripe against MILs per se. Mine is generally lovely. I think I'd be funny about my mum or stepmum doing the same, and I certainly wouldn't start sorting laundry in a relative or good friend's house without asking if they wanted help. Is it then a question of boundaries and not automatically treating another woman's household as an extension of your own?

Didn't say anything of course as I know it is a v. minor point, but is anyone else a bit funny about this sort of thing???

OP posts:
gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 18:00

usualsuspect if so he will be extremely lucky

but perhaps you will be a lovely mil ..for his wife's sake I hope so

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 18:02

and I am indeed a very, very lovely dil

after all I haven't committed a homicide yet

I am a saint of self control

bibbitybobbityhat · 11/03/2011 18:07

Yanbu. I would feel exactly the same. I hate it when people come to my house and offer to do housework for me - if I wanted help, I would ask! And I would ask dh first!!!

exoticfruits · 11/03/2011 18:14

How strange-I am quite happy if someone wants to volunteer!

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 18:18

Really? So if the PTA chairwoman offered to take care of the entire committee's period pants - you'd be first in line?

GotArt · 11/03/2011 18:27

I don't you are being unreasonable. I've encountered this with my MIL a few times. Never with my mother as I was made to do my own laundry since I was 10, but even last time I was there in the summer, MIL actually tugged at my clothes I started to put in the washer, saying she doesn't mind doing it. I said that I do and yanked back. She's never done this with any other chore around the house. She is more than welcome to vacuum, but laundry is just a little personal.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2011 19:06

I think that is a bit silly-we are talking about folding underwear!

Ormirian · 11/03/2011 19:12

I agree with you exotic. But I think I inhabit a different universe to quite a few of the posters on here. Everything seems to get people so flustered and outraged Confused

If there is washing hanging around waiting to be ironed/sorted my mum or MIL will do it. It's not meant to belittle or humiliate, it's meant to he helpful.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2011 19:15

If you really have something that you want to keep extremely private I don't think you should have it in the general wash.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2011 19:16

My mother and MIL have always done my ironing if it is sitting around. If I didn't want them to do it I would hide it away! Simple, and something to bear in mind for the future.

MosEisley · 11/03/2011 19:26

Haven't read the whole thread, but in reply to the OP, it depends on your relationship.

Personally I would love to find all my washing sorted and folded and would feel comfortable enough with MIL doing this. It isn't as if I wear lacy thongs to be a bit Blush about her seeing.

BUT I can see why you might feel uncomfortable. My Mum oversteps boundaries all the time and sometimes what seem like nice gestures can actually feel a bit intrusive.

So without a full understanding of your relationship with your MIL, I can't say if YABU or YANBU.

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 19:31

"If you really have something that you want to keep extremely private I don't think you should have it in the general wash."

In your own house?

Yes, I agree people who don't mind others ferretting around in their smalls live in a different universe to those who do Smile

FleeBee · 11/03/2011 19:32

This reminds me of my MIL. A few years ago she stayed with me and DH for a few weeks to visit her mother (MIL lives abroad and DH Gran in a nursing home in UK). During that time DH went to visit friends for a weekend away leaving MIL behind to look after the cat and house. I really thought it was a terrible idea as MIL and I don't get on, but DH insisted it would be fine.

When we got home she told DH she had got bored so had rearranged all my wardrobe and drawers (even underwear drawer!!!) Everything was in a different place and as I was pregnant at the time all my maternity clothes were mixed in with pre-pregnancy clothes so it took me ages to find everything and put it back to how I liked it arranged. But to make matters worse, DH and I lived a distance apart prior to our wedding and I'd kept all the letters he'd written to me in a small box in my drawer (this was before e-mail and text because I'm v. old). I was horrified that she had read the letters, I'm convinced that she would have read them. I'm more horified that she'd rummaged around my underwear drawer !!! There were some bedroom only things in there!!!! Blush

exoticfruits · 11/03/2011 19:33

I haven't got anything that doesn't hang in full view in the garden and can be folded by anyone who wants to be helpful, so I couldn't say! If you don't want it to hang in the garden then I would suggest that you keep it out of sight if visitors are coming around!

exoticfruits · 11/03/2011 19:35

Rearranging drawers is different! Washing isn't private, if it has been on the line.

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 19:37

Mils are just "visitors" but they are allowed to ferret around in underwear?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Much more normal to not worry about having the ironing board up or washing basket out for a family member, and also not worry that underwear will be ferreted in by family member.

exoticfruits · 11/03/2011 19:38

I would call MIL family.

usualsuspect · 11/03/2011 19:40

my pants dry on the radiators in full view of unsuspecting visitors Grin

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 19:41

Me too. That's why I wouldn't mind if the washing basket was out when she came round. I wouldn't however consider it an invitation to underwear ferreting. I wouldn't expect to have to select items of underwear considered "extremely private" and remove them to a safe and secure distance in case ferreting occurred.

usualsuspect · 11/03/2011 19:43

folding pants is hardly ferreting ,and byw I am a MIl to 2 sils who don't mind me folding their boxers Grin

usualsuspect · 11/03/2011 19:43

btw*

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 19:45

It is too ferretting Smile

But then.. I wouldn't consider leaving the washing basket out to be an invitation to take my underwear out of the basket and do things with it.

cantspel · 11/03/2011 19:48

some of you really have issues and god forbid that you ever need any sort of care as strangers and even family members will be doing a lot more personal things than folding your knickers.

gooseberrybushes · 11/03/2011 19:49

Oh my god. Must hand period pants to mil at once because one day I might be in a care home. Crumbs I never thought of that.

bibbitybobbityhat · 11/03/2011 19:51

Cantspel - don't be ridiculous. If I need care in the future, I'll need care and that will be that.

Meanwhile I am an able bodied fully functioning adult (thank God) and I do not want anyone else going through my laundry. No issues at all, other than being a grown up and in control of my own life. Thanks.