I can take it if I am, honest! (Long - sorry). Maybe more of a WWYD?

[itisnotgoingwelltoday]

I'm having a lot of what I think are small irritations with my ex husband and I need some perspective.

DD's are 12 and 9.

I've posted before about how he expects me to remember what he is doing with the kids and remind him

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1157907-To-think-my-XH-should-NOT-be-ringing-me-about-this

So, anyway, last week he was supposed to be picking the kids up after school on Thursday (as I work early on a Friday he takes them to school on Friday morning).

But it didn't suit him so he phoned me and asked if I would get them - which I did, I can do a good bit of stuff from home so I organised myself and collected them.

I'd asked him what time he'd be picking them up from mine at, he said 5.15, so I said "So, you'll give them tea then?" Obviously, he said yes he would.

To cut a long story short (coz this is long enough already lol) he was uncontactable on his mobile so I gave the kids their tea and he eventually turned up at 7.20pm

So this week he turned up on Tuesday to drop some stuff off, and DD1 realised she'd left some uniform things at his. He totally went off on one, kicking the kerb and shouting at me. I said "How did you not realise she'd gone in sports stuff from yours in the morning"

Again, to cut a long story short, it has transpired that he does not get up in the morning before DD1 goes to school, she gets herself and DD2 ready, they muck out horses, she makes packed lunches for them and then she gets the bus to school. He then gets up in time to take DD2 to school.

He has also gone back on a promise he made to DD2 to go to a show she has on Saturday night.

So, WWYD? I need to get him to turn up on time or call me if he's going to be late.

And I am very unhappy about the kids getting themselves up and out in the morning.

Beeismo - my DP comes with me to events with the girls. Why would he not?

I don't get why I am billy bullshitting - you seem to have an issue with my DD's having ponies. You have implied that I have neglected the ponies in previous posts.

FWIW the reason DP is DP is because we met through DD and the ponies

I live in a rural area, farmers or vets are about all there is

AND if you look my other thread, which is linked to on the first post here, I state that I have a BF which XH knows about.

I never said that he goes TO XH's I said he sees the ponies regularly which is a different thing.

Although, again not that it matters and not that you'll believe me, but if one of the ponies was sick and needed vet care I am 100% positive that XH would phone me and I would go up with my DP - XH fundamentally is a tight arse and wouldn't want to pay for vet if he could avoid it, plus he knows that my DP is a bloody good vet. (DP was, as I said, the family vet when me and XH were still married)

Why is it hard to believe that I would meet my new partner at the thing I spend most of my spare time doing? Isn't that normal? For people to meet new partners at the hobbies that they do?

Beesimo, nothing the op has said places any concern on the care of the ponies. You are being an IPOAT.

Op, My dc are similar ages and have ponies/horses. We are on a shared yard and have quite a few families around. The dc look after their own ponies at all times, they feed, muck out, hack and anything else that comes along however there is always at least one adult who is "in charge" and on the yard at all times. If an adult wants to leave they tell the others where they are going, what the dc are doing and with which ponies.
There are clear cut rules about which horses can be used/worked with and which are off limits because of size/behaviour and so on - and on and on!!

Whilst I think some of your concerns are a bit wishy washy (loading the dishwasher etc) you rconcerns about the ponies are not. An adult should always be on hand and in control - no matter how reliable a pony is.

Taking care of the ponies is your dds job - and rightly so, they have other chores, and so they should but they are not old enough to be responsible for their own safety around any animal of this size, it is like starting a car, taking the handbrake off and handing them a bucket and sponge to wash it with and saying "it is safe because the car is on level ground"!

I'm posting on my Phone but I am sure I've posted before about dp being a vet I think last weekend when I was having a bad time around an anniversary and I posted about my son who was born too soon 16 years ago on the bereavement boards. I think I said he came round but had to leave as he'd had a call out - will look properly when I'm home and on the computer

That last post of yours beeismo is totally out of order and uncalled for.

Don't bother looking anything up I have said all I am going to say to you. I am sure you are very good at convincing people what you say is true but I no longer interested.

goodness, what a very peculiar poster! Why on earth get so antsy about stuff?
ignore her, it'snotgoingsowell. There are other people on here with horse-experience who have no issue with what you have said.

I know I've said on another thread that my dp is a vet. I'm really upset.

I've no idea what I've said that is derserving of this

really, don't get upset - it's not worth worrying what some random internet sprite thinks of you, especially when it appears to be another axe-grinder (or possibly the same one with a different agenda?)~
I have no idea why your posts attract them, but please do your best to ignore them because they can't hurt you unless you let them. As Scottishmummy would say, "it's just words on a screen" - and while I don't agree much with her, sometimes what she says is useful. :)

Don't be upset, as you can see she is a lone nutter voice in a crowd. Stick to the useful advice and ignore the insane, it is the only way to survive internet forums!

fwiw I don't think the issue is the ponies, or the DDs not getting parenting. I think he is assuming that you will do all that. I think the issue is his continued determination to control you.

Next time he is late can you pretend not to have noticed? Also, what contingency plans can you get in place should he spit out dummy again and you are left without childcare? Have you considered taking your DDs to church at a different denomination on 'your' Sunday? I am a bible reading believer that does NOT subscribe to your ex's opinion, and I would hate for your daughters to think that only that narrowness represented church. Would he accept that as okay for the faith (most reasonable churchgoers would)? Also your DDs could find extra social activities there while you got a little further away from his control.

Also you sound lovely for your daughers. Good luck.

Am just in and about to search for the post.

But I feel obliged to point out that the only reason that I mentioned what my new-ish DP does is that I was getting pasted on this thread for not taking adequate care of the ponies. Albeit in a very passive aggressive "I'm not specifically talking about you but..." sort of way.

My DP and what he does is irrelevant to the issue with my ex. The issue with my ex is the issue with my ex - my DP doesn't come into that.

It seems to be beyond the realms of some posters to understand that me and my ex are trying, as best as we can, to co-parent and I am trying to do this in as unargumentative and unagressive way as possible.

First I get pasted because I am trying to interfere with what he does when he has the kids.

Then I'm told I am putting my kids in danger

Then I'm pasted for the kids having ponies

Then when I point out that it isn't expensive as you might think I'm pasted for that and for breaking the ponies myself

Then I'm pasted for having a DP who is a vet and who looks at the ponies and I haven't mentioned him.

Well I wasn't keeping him a secret, I said on the other thread I had a BF that my ex knew about, and as I said I am almost certain I've mentioned before that my DP/BF is a vet.

Why shouldn't he vet my daughter's ponies for me? Why would I bother getting anyone else? He was the farm and family vet before me and him got together as a couple why whould I change that?

Thank goodness I found it.

On a thread about Sunday shopping

"itisnotgoingwelltoday Sun 06-Mar-11 16:15:54

I am on my weekend "off" because the kids are with XH.

DP came round last night and stayed over but he got called out first thing this morning (he's a vet) and I've told him to stay away - I feel crap and I don't want to have to be pleasant to him grin

And my XH is a born again Christian who believes in the keeping Sunday special attitude.

I don't - I'd love a Sunday to be different but by the time I do all the running around the rest of the week it's just not practical."

Thumbwitch I am not a sprite whatever that means this is all a bit new to me I am on MM cos I am laid up with a badly broken leg yes I did it falling of a horse hence my post about how unpredicatable they can be. If you read my first few posts I was genuinely trying to help OP I am not sure what passive aggressive is meant to mean I am from County Durham and we say it as we see it hence the sarky comment to OP which was deleted. Just because I have a different opinion to you it dosen't make me a nutter. I agree I have a axe to grind regarding animal welfare but I clearly said to OP I was not judging her I don't know the lass and her place may well be topnotch

OP I apoligise unreservedly to you for what I said re chip shops and elvis it was snide and I wish I hadn't written it

Bloody hell OP, you have had a pasting, haven't you? And all because you asked for some advice about getting your Narc XH to pick up his kids on time. I know this is AIBU but I don't understood the vitriol you've attracted at all.

Please don't feel you have to go into any more detail in order to explain yourself to anyone on this thread.

Beeismo

Firstly thank you for the apology over the chip shop comment. I hope you now believe that my DP/BF is a vet Still don't understand why you would have gone off on one over that.

These are the things I take particular issue with.

"BUT I have been around horses since I was born and the only thing you can predict about them is that there unpredictable.I don't like the fact that you purchased 2 horses for less than a grand because they hadn't been broken and they couldn't be ridden"

I too have been around horses all my life. Why am I not allowed to buy an unbroken horse and break it? Someone has to, I've been doing so since I was a teenager, why shouldn't I? Especially since if I do it, then I know the pony is properly broken? Why would I pay three times the price for something that DD and I can spend time doing ourselves?

"I started to go on a poor ponies rant it would be very unfair as your upset enough already. I am sure when you purchased said ponies you thought you had adequate means both financial and practical to look after them. However it was you that first raised the issue of care for the ponies. I am making no judgment on you what so ever but want now to get the point across that as a general observation I am sick of people who pay buttons for a animal and then out of ignorance or change of cirumstances neglect them.You can keep ponies on the cheap but not if you do it right vets bill, proper feed adequate covers for winter regular blacksmithing ect. I am never going to believe that especially in the current climate you are making a profit. We do it as part of our living and the is no profit to be had."

I do have adequate means to look after the ponies, both financial and practical. You have no idea of the hoops I jump through to make sure that the ponies are well looked after. DD1 is more than capable of feeding/watering the ponies, the only issue I have is that I think that there should be an adult on the yard but for you, who doesn't know me, to say that I am neglecting my daughters ponies is insulting and nasty.

And my now DP is a vet and checks the ponies for me - why would I pay someone to do that for me when he can do it? And he comes to events with me and the girls - mostly coz he's better at reversing the horsebox than I am and he enjoys it. Why wouldn't he?

FWIW the first pony DD1 had was a reject - the wee girl who had her couldn't ride her and she was for being sent to the knackers. We took her on, bought her for peanuts literally buttons, it took over a year, and we sold her for six times what we paid for her.

And I am still totally bewildered as to why I'm not believed that my DP is a vet. Literally every spare minute I'm around horses and animals. The only place I get to meet people is horse events or work.

Why any of this would lead anyone to assume that I am making stuff up I have no clue.

I am sorry that you've broken your leg, but you seem to have a grudge against me and I really have no idea why.

Blondepinhead - thank you. I don't understand why the focus is on the care of the ponies and the fact that I bought unbroken ponies and broke them myself? The issue, as I have said, is my XH NOT the ponies, or at least not if they are adequately cared for, and it is totally irrelevant what my DP does. I only mentioned he's a vet because I was being accused of not caring enough for the ponies.

You are still not reading what I have actually written I have never said You are neglecting your girls ponies I don't know you and as I said I make no judgment on you regarding welfare issues. I am sorry what I wrote has led you to being upset I was making a general comment regarding what is going on at the moment. Regarding the rest of your post I haven't time to answer all but please believe me I have absolutely no grudge against you and wish you and your girls well in the future. I don't know who is more crackers you for getting upset over what a total stranger thinks or MAY think or me for spending hours getting vexed because you are reading far more into what I have said than what I meant by it. I think we have both tied ourselves in knots now. Hoping things get better for you in the near future brigx

Beeismo - all I am going to say is that in the post above, I quoted directly what you said.

And I honestly think some of what you said is out of order.

But, then, as you have said before, we will have to agree to disagree.

And BTW personal insults on MN are not really on. I am not crackers.

I actually remember you from the Sunday shopping thread..! Because you posted what I was about to say, about keeping Sunday special (when I were a lass) by chaining up the bloody swings in the park. Still bitter after 30 years, me Er, sorry.

I have noticed on MN that if you post anything that loosely mentions a pet, at least one person will tell you you're doing it all wrong, and get really het up about it. It's always a bit mystifying to me, as someone generally well-disposed towards animals but with no particular interest in them.

Mind you, I suppose the same thing happens when you post about a parenting issue!

Hee Hee TheHeathenOfSuburbia - was it Ballymena by any chance lmao

OP I feel bad for you. You've come on here looking for advice regarding your ex husbands parenting of you children (and his ability to keep them safe) and all you've got is rants about ponnies and loading the dishwasher! Neither of which helps you at all and totally misses the point of the thread and your question!

Holy hell, itsnotgoingwell, you've had a real pasting on here! I don't think you deserve it at all. Your ex is clearly a complete nightmare and I really cannot believe the attitudes on this thread.

If this was a man posting from your ex's perspective he'd have been hounded off in about three posts.

I do think you need to see a solicitor... I can only envisage how difficult this is going to get as your girls get older and, hopefully, tell him to do his own chores!

Thank you folks - I don't feel quite so misunderstood now!

I think the point of the thread got lost somewhere in the middle

I only mentioned ponies as I didn't think it was safe for my 12 year old to be in charge in the mornings and I only mentioned the dishwasher and stuff to illustrate that he isn't actually doing any day to day chores and caring

Fwiw I just got an email from him this morning - well he sent it last night. Dd1 has had a letter through to his address about a hospital appointment. He has actually scanned the letter in and emailed it to me and then attached it to an email with the comment "you need to telephone and arrange appointment"

By the time he did that, surely he could have rung and organised the appointment and shock horror maybe even taken her himself ??

No chance of that he's far too important that's my job!

Did you point that out to him?

Haven't yet - don't want to put it in writing unless I can get it 100% right iyswim?

That's what I mean about passive aggressive and controlling. If he wants 50/50 care that means 50/50 of the hospital appointments, activities, trailing here there and everywhere

He's not answering house phone or mobile.

And it's snowing so I get a day off - no riding today - event's cancelled!

What I forgot to say earlier is that he barely seems to bother about them whilst they are there, so I doubt that 50/50 would be a good idea.

And what if they were ill/appointments etc "on his watch"?

Is he only thinking about that now that they are old enough to look after him themselves?